The Passion of the Chris

‘The Bachelor Cookbook: Edible Meals with a Side of Sarcasm’ by Chris Gay

Each November, millions of families and friends get together to give thanks on a holiday conveniently created for that very purpose. (October, if you’re Canadian. But that’s another faux history.) In honor of Thanksgiving, I’ve written a brief, albeit fictitious, history of Turkey Day. Enjoy.

The Freedom to Shop

During the early years of the 17th Century, Englishmen and women were subject to the overtly restrictive shopping guidelines set by the British Crown. When traveling out to purchase cheap, unnecessary trinkets for the upcoming Christmas holiday, the King’s subjects were limited to the few Royal strip malls that were mainly located around suburban London.

Most of the citizenry complied so as not to rock the boat, but for some who felt they should have the freedom to purchase as they saw fit, the frustration began to mount. These people were labeled “Pilgrims”, for their desire to be granted the right to make “Pilgrimages” to the United Kingdom’s big box stores deemed off-limits to the common folk.

The Secret Plan

These brave Pilgrims began to meet in secret to discuss ways to throw off the King’s heavy yoke, and end his persecution of purchasers purchasing unsanctioned purchases. Eventually, they opted to form a new settlement on the distant shores of the New World…America. But the burning question was, how could they ever afford a ship and the cost of supplies? Then, one day, it hit them. Sponsorship.

The Mayflower Compact

Ultimately, they were able to carry out their plan with sponsorship money from multiple sources. First, they contracted with the Mayflower Moving and Storage Company. This allowed them to stock the boat with food, clothing and first aid in exchange for the ship’s naming rights. Later, this became known as the Mayflower Compact.

The ship itself was built by materials donated by The Home Depot on the condition that upon arrival in Virginia, (the colony they were originally slated to settle in) the Pilgrims would grant them exclusivity rights to the entire Chesapeake Bay region. And also that the official Virginia state motto be permanently changed to “More Saving. More Doing. That’s the power of the Home Depot.”

The Voyage to America

In the summer of 1620, the Mayflower and her crew loaded on two sets of travelers; the British Shopping Separatists, and another group from Holland. The latter assemblage was added because the ship’s Captain, Christopher Jones, (No relation) thought the trip would go much smoother and the passengers more manageable if everyone on board had a steady supply of Dutch cocoa…and those tasty, cool-looking windmill cookies.

The trip lasted several long, arduous months, with the crew and passengers alike suffering everything from Cabin Fever to Scurvy. In fact, this might’ve been the one time a group of people would’ve been ecstatic if Life had handed them lemons. (Trust me, that joke will get funnier the more you think about it. Unless you’re stupid.)

At long last, the Mayflower came upon Cape Cod, Massachusetts, where it dropped anchor on November 21st. Captain Jones and future Plymouth Colony Governor William Bradford went ashore with a search party to find a Denny’s, as well as a place to establish their permanent settlement.

The question of why they didn’t continue south as planned was answered by Bradford’s journal entry dated 21 November 1620: “T’is unbearably cold. The journey took months longer than anticipated, and we are completely out of beer. Screw Virginia, I’ve decreed that we shall settle right here. Sorry, Home Depot. You win some, you lose some.”

Land Ahoy!

In early spring 1621, the remaining passengers joined the scouting parties on shore and built cabins on their new settlement grounds. Shortly thereafter, an English-speaking Native American named Samoset came by to welcome the settlers at the Plymouth Colony. He asked William Bradford if there was anything he could get them and, according to witnesses, Bradford replied: “Sure. How about some pumpkins, a little squash, a few turkeys…and the entire Eastern Seaboard?”

With the help of another English-speaking Native American, Squanto, the Pilgrims were able to not only successfully farm the land, but also pour the foundation for the very first Papa Gino’s fast food pizzeria in North America.

Summer of 1621

Throughout the summer of 1621, the Pilgrims labored furiously to erect their dream settlement. By early July, they had already constructed an Applebee’s, Ruby Tuesday’s and, for a taste of home, Arthur Treacher’s Fish & Chips.

By late August, the ‘Plymouth Colony Mall & Buckle-Focused Haberdashery’ was completed in its entirety. Its grand opening featured a ribbon-cutting ceremony attended by Neil Diamond, who happily performed ‘Sweet Caroline’ for the assembled crowd.

The First Thanksgiving

In November, Plymouth governor William Bradford extended an invitation to Wampanoag chief Massasoit (namesake of Massachusetts) to join the Pilgrims at a banquet to celebrate the success of their initial harvest, as well as the completion of the glamorous new mall and adjacent 18-theater Movie Cineplex.

For the main feast, Massasoit sent four men to the North Truro Boston Market (then known as Boston Chicken) to pick up the dinner they’d called ahead and ordered the day before. Bradford had planned to make popcorn as an appetizer, until his wife reminded him that they’d left their microwave oven back in England.

When they returned, the Pilgrims and Wampanoags gorged themselves on turkey, stuffing, mashed potatoes with gravy, cole slaw and the awesome macaroni and cheese Boston Market makes using that spiraled pasta.

Dessert was Dutch apple pie (forgot about that Holland group, didn’t you?) with a topping choice of Hood Cookie Dough ice cream, or Cool Whip.

Post-Feast Activities

After the meal had been eaten and the plastic plates and utensils placed in the recycling bin, the members of both groups retired indoors to watch the Dallas Cowboys play the Detroit Lions on a 52-inch HDTV Bradford had bought from Best Buy. By halftime, the effects of the poultry’s tryptophan kicked in and both the Wampanoags and Pilgrims alike had passed out asleep on the floor, and the three available couches.

Later that evening, both groups toasted each other continuously with huge mugs of Narragansett beer until Bradford broke up the party, announcing that he needed a few more hours of shuteye so he’d be rested enough to fight through the early morning Black Friday crowds.

The Day After

That Friday afternoon, after all the shopping had been done and the Christmas trees set up throughout the settlement, Bradford gathered his people around the ‘McDonald’s Gazebo’ in the middle of the ‘State Farm Insurance Town Square’ to address them

An excerpt from his journal entry that day chronicles his speech:

“Fellow Englishmen and Hollandaise; no wait, I think that’s a sauce. Fellow Englishmen and Dutch persons. Today we gather to celebrate the completion of a dream. We have at long last shaken off the reigns of Great Britain and here, in the New World, we can now shop where we choose without fear. This is what America is all about: Commerce. The freedom to buy what we want, where we want, when we want and in the quantities we want. However, for no reason whatsoever, aside from perhaps the perpetual annoyance of this blog post’s author, I resolve that liquor stores in the Colony of Connecticut will remain closed on Sundays for the next 400 years. Amen.”

And that my friends, is the fabricated history of the first Thanksgiving.

God. The Devil. The Bet. The Fate of Mankind in the Balance. Check out Chris Gay’s new theological, paranormal crime thriller, Ghost of a Chance.

* * * *

‘Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal’ by Chris Gay

* * * *

Featuring such taste-bud tempting recipes as:

Popcorn Salad

Meat on a Bed of Rice

Cheese and Crackers

Spaghetti Sandwich

Plus Miscellaneous Cookbook Humor, too!

* * * *

Chris Gay is an author, freelance writer, voice-over artist, broadcaster and actor. For 7 years he wrote and broadcast a daily, minute radio humor spot in Hartford, Connecticut. He’s been published nationally in Writer’s Digest and has written the paranormal, theological thriller novel Ghost of a Chance, Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal, (an original, extraordinary short story on the great detective with a spectacular twist) and four humor books: And That’s the Way It Was…Give or Take: A Daily Dose of My Radio Writings, Shouldn’t Ice Cold Beer Be Frozen? My 365 Random Thoughts to Improve Your Life Not One Iota, and The Bachelor Cookbook: Edible Meals with a Side of Sarcasm & Another Round of Ice Cold Beer: My 365 More Random Thoughts to Improve Your Life Not One Iota. He’s written and voiced radio commercials, authored both comedic and non-comedic freelance articles, scripts, press releases, website, media and technical content, done occasional radio color commentary for local sports, and acted in a couple of movies and plays. His website is chrisjgay.com, and his humor blog can be found at chrisgay.wordpress.com.

Twitter: @chrisgay13

Movies:

2012:

Hope Springs (Barfly)

2009:

Testimonies of a Quiet New England Town (Constable John Gilbert)

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on November 8, 2013 at 12:37 am Leave a Comment
Tags: broadcaster, Cape Cod, Chris Gay, chrisgay.net, chrisjgay.com, Christmas, Christopher Gay, Christopher J Gay, christopherjgay.com, comedy, Connecticut, CT, Food, Freelance Writer, Hartford, Hartford Connecticut, History, Home Depot, humor, Manchester, Mayflower, New England, Pilgrim, Plymouth Colony, Radio advertisement, sarcasm, Sherlock Holmes, Television, Thanksgiving, thepassionofthechris.com, United States, Voice acting, voice-over artist, William Bradford, writer, Writer's Digest

Halloween Fun: My Obituary

‘The Bachelor Cookbook: Edible Meals with a Side of Sarcasm’ by Chris Gay

October 31, 2137

Hartford County: Gay, Christopher J

Chris Gay, the local bestselling author and hugely popular radio/television personality who was well known for maintaining ruggedly-handsome good looks throughout his lifetime, passed away this morning at 165.

He leaves behind his impossibly-buxom 31 year-old wife, who said of her husband’s passing, “It’s obvious God needed a talented right-wing for His hockey team and He just couldn’t wait any longer.”

Christopher James Gay was born in Hartford, CT on July 21 to Susan and James Gay and, until Hollywood super-stardom came calling, had lived in Greater Hartford for most of his life.

For over two and a half decades, the 2002 Connecticut School of Broadcasting graduate worked soul-sucking jobs in retail and cubicle hell, where his disgust with political correctness, distaste for BS, and penchant for honesty kept him from advancement despite his titanic intellect.

He taught himself how to read by age four and, despite never having attended college, went on to become the literary voice of several generations. His talent for effortlessly shifting between comedy, sarcasm, and serious writing allowed him to provide a variety of literature to suit everyone’s tastes, and is what elevated him to his monumental status. It’s widely believed that he single-handedly reintroduced reading as a popular form of entertainment back into world’s consciousness.

His peerless voice and lightning-quick wit assured that he wouldn’t spend his lifetime entirely behind the keyboard. In 2014 his serious books Ghost of a Chance and Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal were optioned by Tinseltown, and subsequently made into blockbuster movies; ultimately winning Gay a pair of Best Screenplay Oscars for adapting his own books into scripts.

Having already appeared as a drunken lobsterman in the Meryl Streep/Tommy Lee Jones vehicle Hope Springs (2012) and a nearly illiterate 18^th Century constable in Testimonies of a Quiet New England Town, (2009) Gay was the obvious choice to star as the hero in both of his own films, as well. Indeed, Ghost of a Chance still holds the #2 all-time box office sales record, second only to its own sequel, Perdition’s Wrath; (2015) the movie version of which Gay also wrote and starred in.

With his popularity soaring, Gay later simultaneously became America’s #1 radio and television talk show host. But he never forgot his roots, writing thirty-nine more novels and humor books for his adoring fans; as well as doing all he could to bring attention to his beloved Greater Hartford.

As the saying goes, women wanted him, and men wanted to be him.

In 2016, after having gone from a lifetime of rags to multi-billionaire status, he bought an NHL expansion team for Hartford, CT, named it the Whalers, and became the team’s first GM and head coach. In 2017, he became the first man to ever coach a first-year expansion team to the Stanley Cup Championship and, in fact, scored the Cup-winning goal himself after deciding on a whim to suit up and take an overtime shift in Game 7.

His media dominance continued for decades and, having little desire for big city life, the born-and-bred New Englander instead spent most of his non-working time shuttling between his oceanside mansion in Maine, lakeside mansion in New Hampshire, and garden variety mansion in central Connecticut.

On his 100^th birthday, his home state honored him with a 21-foot solid gold statue on the grounds of the Old State House in Hartford, and also renamed a section of Manchester, CT “Christopherville.” In appreciation of the gestures, Gay arrived at the Old State House that day by water-skiing up the Connecticut River and performing an amazing jump onto its banks; where he then tossed $1,000,000 of his own money at intervals into the gathered crowd.

A lock of his incredibly thick hair-which never turned gray-and a picture of his sparkling blue eyes, will be placed on permanent display at the Smithsonian Institute so that future generations of women can see what they missed out on.

In 2086, Gay’s off-the-cuff suggestion to the Department of Agriculture resulted in an end to World Hunger.

To celebrate, he cut a song with the descendants of Stevie Wonder, Cyndi Lauper, Bruce Springsteen, and Dionne Warwick, which went double-platinum in its first week of release.

He donated his share of the profits to his fund for building heaters under I-84, so that Connecticut highway drivers could commute without fear of ice. Well, I mean going east and west, at least. He selflessly left I-91 as is, so that some other philanthropist would have the chance to get recognition for do-gooding.

Gay generously granted Medical Science’s request to be cryogenically frozen, in their hopes that they will someday be able to give him back to the world.

Reportedly, his last words were “I never did learn to iron properly; and I couldn’t care less. And incidentally, it’s “couldn’t.” When you say you “could care less,” it means that there is something you care less about, which is not what you’re trying to say. How could that not be obvious to everyone by now? And don’t get me started on ‘loser’ vs. ‘looser’ or ‘your’ vs. ‘you’re.’ It’s basic grammar, people; learn it!” After which, he expired peacefully.

In lieu of flowers, Chris Gay specifically left instructions asking mourners to buy dinner for random homeless people. That’s just the kind of guy he was.

God. The Devil. The Bet. The Fate of Mankind in the Balance. Check out Chris Gay’s new theological, paranormal crime thriller, Ghost of a Chance.

* * * *

‘Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal’ by Chris Gay

* * * *

Featuring such taste-bud tempting recipes as:

Popcorn Salad

Meat on a Bed of Rice

Cheese and Crackers

Spaghetti Sandwich

Plus Miscellaneous Cookbook Humor, too!

* * * *

Chris Gay is an author, freelance writer, voice-over artist, broadcaster and actor. He writes and broadcasts a daily, minute radio humor spot in Hartford, Connecticut. He’s also written the paranormal, theological thriller novel Ghost of a Chance and three humor books: And That’s the Way It Was…Give or Take: A Daily Dose of My Radio Writings, Shouldn’t Ice Cold Beer Be Frozen? My 365 Random Thoughts to Improve Your Life Not One Iota, and The Bachelor Cookbook: Edible Meals with a Side of Sarcasm. He’s been published nationally in Writer’s Digest and is currently writing his fourth and fifth humor books, Another Round of Ice Cold Beer: My 365 More Random Thoughts to Improve Your Life Not One Iota and Something Witty this Way Comes; the latter being a collection of pieces written for his humor blog. His book Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal, is an original, extraordinary short story on the great detective. Also, he’s writing the Ghost of a Chance sequel Perdition’s Wrath, and has written and voiced radio commercials, authored both comedic and non-comedic freelance articles, scripts, press releases, website, media and technical content, done occasional radio color commentary for local sports, and acted in a couple of movies and plays. His website is chrisjgay.com, and his humor blog can be found at chrisgay.wordpress.com.

Twitter: @chrisgay13

Movies:

2012:

Hope Springs (Barfly)

2009:

Testimonies of a Quiet New England Town (Constable John Gilbert)

Published in:

Uncategorized

on October 31, 2013 at 10:36 pm Leave a Comment
Tags: broadcaster, Bruce Springsteen, Chris Gay, chrisgay.net, chrisjgay.com, Christopher Gay, Christopher J Gay, comedy, Connecticut, CT, Dionne Warwick, Freelance Writer, Greater Hartford, Hartford, Hartford Connecticut, Hartford Whalers, History Christopherjgay.com, Holidays, Hope Springs, humor, Manchester, New England, Old State House, Radio advertisement, sarcasm, Sherlock Holmes, Stevie Wonder, thepassionofthechris.com, United States, Voice acting, voice-over artist, writer, Writer's Digest

My Nephew’s Humorous First Birthday Card (1.16.2004)

‘The Bachelor Cookbook: Edible Meals with a Side of Sarcasm’ by Chris Gay

January 16, 2004

Dear Jaeden,

Congratulations on reaching your milestone first birthday. Celebrations such as this one often call for a gift of some sort in order to properly mark such a momentous occasion. So I hereby present yours. Oh, there’ll be no money. Instead, I offer you sound financial advice that will carry you far into the future.

Now I realize the temptation to think of yourself as both young and carefree may be overwhelming, but it’s never too early to start building a strong foundation. You may very well feel like you’re in the springtime of your life but, believe you me, those calendar pages start to fly by once they’re set in motion. And after all let’s be realistic, shall we? The odds of a viable Social Security still being existent in its present form by the time you become aged enough to be eligible for it are, quite frankly, not very much in your favor.

What to do then, you ask? Good question, Jaeden. Undoubtedly, you will be inundated with checks, cash and the like by various relatives as a token gesture commemorating your aforementioned initial birthday. All in all, not a bad deal, as all you really had to do was hang around for a year…Heck, you can’t even walk; how difficult could it have been? At any rate, you might consider some government bonds although, after careful consideration, you may find them a bit too conservative for your taste and age group.

Take care that if you decide to go the Mutual Fund route, you enlist the services of a decent financial adviser, and make sure to ask pertinent questions regarding tax ramifications. There’s nothing worse than investing the lion’s share of your funds into a vehicle that will only bring heartbreak when you discover the tax hit you’ll incur from the IRS for being under age 59 ½.

If college is your primary consideration, there are plenty of options available, if only you know where to look. Be prudent, ask around. Keep in mind that when the dust settles, it is you, and only you, who will ultimately bear the responsibility for your own financial management.

Oh, and if you’re counting on a pension, forget it. Most companies don’t offer them any more, and for the ones that do, they’re going the way of the DoDo bird.

Well, Jaeden, this concludes my sermon to you. Take heed and be wary of investing in fly by night and get rich quick schemes. The only tried and true method for becoming wealthy and successful is by laying the foundation yourself through hard work. There’s always somebody who is more than willing to separate you from your hard earned money. Ask your mother, as I’m sure she’ll back me up on this.

Best of luck on all of your future endeavors, and remember, you’re not getting any younger!

Your Uncle,

–Chris

(When I first read this to my nephew at Age 1, he just looked at me as if he’d had no idea what I was talking about. (Though my sister laughed) Years later, when I read it to him again, he seemed to understand it much better and laughed, too. Of course, he’d learned how to talk by then.)

God. The Devil. The Bet. The Fate of Mankind in the Balance. Check out Chris Gay’s new theological, paranormal crime thriller, Ghost of a Chance.

* * * *

‘Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal’ by Chris Gay

* * * *

Featuring such taste-bud tempting recipes as:

Popcorn Salad

Meat on a Bed of Rice

Cheese and Crackers

Spaghetti Sandwich

Plus Miscellaneous Cookbook Humor, too!

* * * *

Chris Gay is an author, freelance writer, voice-over artist, broadcaster and actor. He writes and broadcasts a daily, minute radio humor spot in Hartford, Connecticut. He’s also written the paranormal, theological thriller novel Ghost of a Chance and three humor books: And That’s the Way It Was…Give or Take: A Daily Dose of My Radio Writings, Shouldn’t Ice Cold Beer Be Frozen? My 365 Random Thoughts to Improve Your Life Not One Iota, and The Bachelor Cookbook: Edible Meals with a Side of Sarcasm. He’s been published nationally in Writer’s Digest and is currently writing his fourth and fifth humor books, Another Round of Ice Cold Beer: My 365 More Random Thoughts to Improve Your Life Not One Iota and Something Witty this Way Comes; the latter being a collection of pieces written for his humor blog. His book Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal, is an original, extraordinary short story on the great detective. Also, he’s writing the Ghost of a Chance sequel Perdition’s Wrath, and has written and voiced radio commercials, authored both comedic and non-comedic freelance articles, scripts, press releases, website, media and technical content, done occasional radio color commentary for local sports, and acted in a couple of movies and plays. His website is chrisjgay.com, and his humor blog can be found at chrisgay.wordpress.com.

‘The Bachelor Cookbook: Edible Meals with a Side of Sarcasm’ by Chris Gay

Twitter: @chrisgay13

Movies:

2012:

Hope Springs (Barfly)

2009:

Testimonies of a Quiet New England Town (Constable John Gilbert)

Published in:

Uncategorized

on July 24, 2013 at 4:56 pm Leave a Comment
Tags: broadcaster, Chris Gay, chrisgay.net, chrisjgay.com, Christopher Gay, Christopher J Gay, comedy, Connecticut, CT, Devil, Freelance Writer, Get-rich-quick scheme, Hartford, Hartford Connecticut, History Christopherjgay.com, humor, Humour, Internal Revenue Service, Jack the Ripper, Manchester, Mutual Fund, New England, Satan, Sherlock Holmes, thepassionofthechris.com, Thriller (genre), United States, writer

25 Things I’ve Learned from Watching the ‘Die Hard’ Movie Series

By Chris Gay

Generally when starting one of my humor posts I ease into it with a sarcastic paragraph; then finish it up with several more sarcastic paragraphs. In this case however, the entire post is simply a list; even I can’t really stretch it out.

So read it and laugh. Or don’t. I don’t care; you’ve already clicked on it so I get credit regardless.

Luckily for you though I do have integrity, and as such actually made an effort here. Don’t thank me, my name is on this. I have to at least try. So without further ado, I present:

25 Things I’ve Learned from Watching the ‘Die Hard’ Movie Series

25. While in your 30’s, walking barefoot over broken glass can cause a serious, debilitating injury. In your 50’s however, you can crash through multiple panes of glass at various high rates of speed, and emerge almost completely unscathed. Then make a wise-crack and continue on with your day.

24. Villainous German henchmen seem to better understand commands given to them in English, rather than in their native German.

23. No matter how many times you spend Christmas vacation single-handedly saving your wife from the clutches of unsympathetic, highly paid professional mercenaries, she’ll still call you selfish and want a divorce.

22. After faking out the entire NYPD and walking off with billions in gold, never try to hide your army in a Canadian truck stop long enough to have a quickie with your mistress. It’s better to just keep going and wait till you’re back in Germany.

21. A limo driver will allow himself to remain stuck in a parking garage; and then easily break through the gate hours later after all of the villains have been defeated.

20. Movie grenades used against the hero will inexplicably have a 40-second long fuse.

19. A lobby security guard will watch you spend 5 minutes struggling to figure out how to use a computerized directory before casually mentioning that the only people left in the building anyway are on the 30th floor.

18. When trying to thwart a villain who has taken over our entire computer infrastructure and whom no agency can stop, it really pays to know Silent Bob.

17. Apparently, some stores sell 60-gallon bottles of maple syrup.

16. A guard assigned to watch one of the world’s biggest criminals will be paid the compliment of being an “excellent soldier,” simply because he was smart enough to deny that criminal’s own request to remove his handcuffs for him.

15. Seemingly, you can buy dugout tickets to Yankee Stadium for days they’re not even playing. Then just walk right down, take your seat, and watch the grounds crew manicure the lawn.

14. When leaving your adversary to an unverifiable doom, never toss him a bottle of aspirin with the name of your hotel stamped on the bottle.

13. A cop coming across an angry, menacing right-handed villain who has already escaped a vicious hanging, will believe that the best way to stop him is with 5 straight rounds to the same spot in his left-shoulder.

12. The highly-educated head of the American division of a billion dollar corporation will be too busy making wise-cracks to notice that his third-in-command is a blatantly drug-addicted slime ball womanizer.

11. After barely surviving your own efforts at bringing down an entire platoon of corrupt soldiers and mercenaries in order to get your wife back safely, you’ll pause momentarily with real concern over whether the police chief whose job and backside you just saved will or won’t forgive your earlier $40 parking ticket.

10. A villain who is precise enough to take out a deodorant spray can held by John McClane from 50 feet away, will still not be good enough a marksman to strike McClane himself.

9. While checking out the rooftop in a building he completely controls, a villain will take time to memorize a few random names from a wall directory; just on the off-chance he needs an alias if unexpectedly confronted by a previously neutralized, shoeless cop.

8. While in a room desperately trying to remain hidden in an effort to evade villains who are diligently searching for you, it’s a good idea to chain smoke cigarettes.

7. After finally securing the grizzled detective and his Agency son who you’ve been chasing, the most effective way to intimidate them is to eat a carrot and do a nice little dance.

6. After a broken-down cop has spent hours alone risking his life to take out your entire crew of mercenaries one by one, and then finally gets to you-who he finds holding his wife-it’s safe to assume that that’s the point at which he’d decide to laugh and give himself up with no backup plan whatsoever.

5. When trying to get the jump on a group of villainous mercenaries, your best ally would be a dim-witted janitor who somehow has access to the all of the extensive blueprints and architectural floor plans necessary for you to do so.

4. A villain will believe that if he hires someone to drop billions of dollars worth of gold bullion 30 feet to the bottom of Long Island Sound, the state, feds, and every single person with a scuba license or a snorkeling mask the entire world over would just leave it there, forever.

3. Of all possible moments, it’s with mere seconds left to figure out how to escape their near-certain, mutual doom that is the best time for two men to get into a heated debate on race relations.

2. The odds of running into the same narcissistic, adversarial news reporter during two separate but similar evil mercenary schemes, one apiece on each coast, are not nearly as long as you might think they’d be.

1. Instead of assisting in any way, the ranking officer at the LAPD Emergency Dispatch Call Center will tell a man, who is under fire, to hang up and phone a slightly more appropriate Emergency Dispatch Call Center.

God. The Devil. The Bet. The Fate of Mankind in the Balance. Check out Chris Gay’s new theological, paranormal crime thriller, Ghost of a Chance.

* * * *

‘Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal’ by Chris Gay

* * * *

Featuring such taste-bud tempting recipes as:

Popcorn Salad

Meat on a Bed of Rice

Cheese and Crackers

Spaghetti Sandwich

Plus Miscellaneous Cookbook Humor, too!

* * * *

Chris Gay is an author, freelance writer, voice-over artist, broadcaster and actor. He writes and broadcasts a daily, minute radio humor spot in Hartford, Connecticut. He’s also written the paranormal, theological thriller novel Ghost of a Chance and three humor books: And That’s the Way It Was…Give or Take: A Daily Dose of My Radio Writings, Shouldn’t Ice Cold Beer Be Frozen? My 365 Random Thoughts to Improve Your Life Not One Iota, and The Bachelor Cookbook: Edible Meals with a Side of Sarcasm. He’s been published nationally in Writer’s Digest and is currently writing his fourth and fifth humor books, Another Round of Ice Cold Beer: My 365 More Random Thoughts to Improve Your Life Not One Iota and Something Witty this Way Comes; the latter being a collection of pieces written for his humor blog. His book Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal, is an original, extraordinary short story on the great detective. Also, he’s writing the Ghost of a Chance sequel Perdition’s Wrath, and has written and voiced radio commercials, authored both comedic and non-comedic freelance articles, scripts, press releases, website, media and technical content, done occasional radio color commentary for local sports, and acted in a couple of movies and plays. His website is chrisjgay.com, and his humor blog can be found at chrisgay.wordpress.com.

Twitter: @chrisgay13

Movies:

2012:

Hope Springs (Barfly)

2009:

Testimonies of a Quiet New England Town (Constable John Gilbert)

Published in:

Uncategorized

on June 14, 2013 at 10:21 pm Leave a Comment
Tags: A Good Day to Die Hard, broadcaster, CBS, Chris Gay, chrisgay.net, chrisjgay.com, Christopher Gay, Christopher J Gay, comedy, Connecticut, CT, Die Hard, Die Hard II, Die Hard with a Vengeance, Freelance Writer, Hartford, History Christopherjgay.com, humor, Humour, John McClane, Live Free or Die Hard, Manchester, New England, Radio advertisement, sarcasm, thepassionofthechris.com, United States, Voice acting, voice-over artist, writer, Writer's Digest

Why Jaws is the “Quint”essential 1970’s Movie

Though I was only seven and change when the ball dropped in Times Square on New Year’s Day 1980, I still have a few fond memories of the Disco Decade. And while it’s tempting to write a piece on long gas lines, awful hair, absurd fashions, or the Bee Gees, I’ll instead discuss an often overlooked reality of the 1970’s; namely that it was America’s last ten years of naivety.

Some may argue that I’m a decade late; that that ship sailed in the 1960’s. That using three that’s in a single sentence such as I did in the one prior is lazy writing. Not so fast. (On the former points at least. The latter may have some merit).

If all of the technological advancements created for use by the common (wo)man were combined, from the time we crawled out of the oceans up until slightly past the final out of the Pittsburgh Pirates 1979 We Are Family World Series Championship, they’d pale laughably by comparison to the thirty-eight years that have followed.

This made much of the 1970’s similar in that respect to the eras preceding it. The difference though was that by the time they’d ended, our world had taken its first steps toward an irreversible course regarding technology and the societal changes it brought.

At any rate, you may wonder what made a time period from our very recent past so vastly different from today. Since you’re still reading this, I assume you do. So I’ll proceed.

Consider that in the 1970’s:

Grocery stores had no register scanners. Consequently, you were stuck waiting for uninspired cashiers to type your order into a machine roughly equivalent to what Rutherford B. Hayes used to compose his inaugural address on.

The closest thing to microwave popcorn was Jiffy Pop. Although, it was way cooler to make.

There were three television networks for 227,000,000 people. So if a variety of TV programming was the spice of your life, the technical term for you was “SOL.”

Almost everything was closed on Sundays. I can only guess that that was so everyone could feel like they lived in Connecticut from the comfort of virtually any other state.

If your idea of tasteful interior design included a significant amount of the colors Garish Yellow, Avocado Green, and Something Kind of Like Orange, you had hit the jackpot.

You weren’t stuck watching a cheesy TV series like That ’70’s Show, which was a 1990’s sitcom set in 1970’s Wisconsin. Instead, you could watch a quality TV series like Happy Days; a 1970’s sitcom set in 1950’s Wisconsin.

Each December, in the spirit of good will, the secular and religious alike greeted each other with a festive “Merry Christmas,” and yet somehow managed to go on with their daily lives without media backlash or interference from agenda-driven protest groups.

Birthdays were celebrated using cakes decorated with real frosting; not a whipped cream concoction tasting like it was made by someone’s aunt giving a magazine recipe for diet desserts “the old college try.”

What’s known today as a Tamagotchi, was known then as a “Pet Rock.” The Pet Rock was great for apathetic people because it was impossible to neglect. And with its personality and intellect, there was also the possibility that it might get elected to some public office or another.

When you called someone who was already on the telephone, you received what was termed a busy signal. To combat that, as part of your unlimited monthly plan, Bell Atlantic offered you a popular feature they referred to as “Hang up & Call Back Later.”

Approximately no one had a home computer. It wasn’t that big a deal though, as you could easily snag a pocket calculator for around $150.00.

Although few people had VCR’s and DVDs were science fiction, if you’d managed to stay awake till 3a.m. you still might catch a re-run of The Six Million Dollar Man.

There was no X-Box, but there was Pong; a graphics-laden video game in which the difference between hockey and tennis was a few more vertical hyphens and the speed of what was, inexplicably, a square ball.

To be fair however, before we go on let’s look at a few things that were better in the 1970’s:

Even stupid people used decent grammar.

Most people had a sense of humor.
The music was WAY better.

Lots more food was made with real butter.
No one knew or cared what Johnny Carson’s political affiliation was.
Quality TV shows were given more than 45 seconds to prove themselves.

95% fewer ordinary, everyday events ended up in some sort of litigation.

Nosy busybodies had to work much, much harder to acquire gossip on their friends.

More often than not, people disagreed with each other using their “inside voices.”

One could pump gas or patronize a urinal without being subjected to a product advertisement that there was no possible way to avoid.

Elton John somehow had less hair than he does now.

No one thought that either The Captain & Tennille’s Daryl Dragon or Cap’n Crunch were authentic Naval officers.

Instead of a magical, portable telephone possessing nearly all the world’s collective knowledge, people carried around a Library Card. And somehow still seemed more informed than we are today. Not you though. You’re a smart one, you are.

So, what does any of this have to do with Jaws? Fair enough. Jaws is regarded as the first summer “blockbuster,” and it forever changed the way that movies were marketed and conceptualized.

It was also among the last non-period movies to perfectly capture the very essence of its own time period. There, preserved for all time, are scenes depicting the remnants of the old days we knew, yet would soon know no more. That it almost certainly did so unknowingly is inconsequential and, indeed, adds to its allure.

Here are some examples of scenes you would not have seen had Jaws been filmed just a scant few years later:

Beach-goers listening to music and ballgames on transistor radios similar to what MacGyver might have constructed out of a coat hanger and dental floss.

Quint ripping the pull-tab off his beer. Pull-tabs were the brilliantly-conceived, curled-up pieces of razor-sharp metal left over from carbonated beverage cans. They were typically dropped into the cans and forgotten. That is, until the consumer finished the contents only to discover he’d just given himself an involuntary tonsillectomy.

Any municipality actually thinking it could get away with hiring a shark hunter without nationwide press vilification and a public protest from PETA claiming that Jaws itself was the real victim.

Hooper crushing a Styrofoam cup and casually tossing it on the deck. Today, he’d be hauled in by the Green Police and heavily reprimanded for utilizing Environmentally un-friendly beverage containers, and then fined three figures for littering. Afterward, they’d go back for Quint to scold him about the waste associated with using the standard light bulb he dared to install in the lamp over the Orca’s dining table.

A mayor voluntarily wearing a suit publicly and on television that looked like it was stolen from Popeye’s closet.

Communications accomplished only through land-line phones, CB radios, or walkie-talkies similar to what I once bought at Radio Shack after saving up two-weeks’ allowance.

Amity’s beaches were re-opened after a confirmed shark attack for the sole purpose of maintaining profit; yet not a single lawyer endeavored to cash in at the expense of either the town or the bereaved.

Now, here are some scenes you might not expect to see regardless of the decade:

Any kid asking for coffee ice cream.

After spending hours in the ocean, a 20-foot wooden boat still remaining afloat with a head-sized hole in the hull a foot below the waterline.

A large group of people simultaneously deciding to throw caution to the wind and swim in great white shark-infested waters, simply because four cops and an oceanographer are cruising around the Atlantic Ocean on a couple of modified dinghies.

Quint seriously thinking the town council would even consider paying him $3,000 to “find” the shark. And then what; ask it nicely to stay put? Hell, Chrissie Watkins found it for free.

A newspaper publisher actually believing that the “grocery ads” are the least relevant section of the paper to its subscribers.

Quint attempting to catch a 25-foot great white shark on the open ocean using such sophisticated equipment as a rod-and-reel fishing pole, and in a boat that I wouldn’t trust to get me across the Connecticut River during a mid-summer drought.

Well, that’s all for now. Thank you for taking a trip down Seventies Lane with me. Oh, and as if you didn’t see this coming: Have a nice day 🙂

* Though you may think it’s grammatically incorrect to begin a sentence with the conjunction “And,” in actuality there are different schools of thought on that. If you’re still drawn back to it however, there’s really not much I can do. Take heart that, at some point, you’ll most likely get past this.

God. The Devil. The Bet. The Fate of Mankind in the Balance. Check out Chris Gay’s new theological, paranormal crime thriller, Ghost of a Chance.

* * * *

‘Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal’ by Chris Gay

* * * *

Movies:

2012:

Hope Springs (Barfly)

2009:

Testimonies of a Quiet New England Town (Constable John Gilbert)

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on June 6, 2013 at 10:06 pm Leave a Comment
Tags: 1970's, Bee Gees, broadcaster, CBS, Chinese style name, Chris Gay, chrisgay.net, chrisjgay.com, Christmas, Christopher Gay, Christopher J Gay, comedy, Connecticut, CT, Freelance Writer, Hartford Connecticut, History Christopherjgay.com, humor, Humour, Jaws, Jiffy Pop, Manchester, New England, Radio advertisement, Rutherford B. Hayes, sarcasm, thepassionofthechris.com, Times Roman, Typeface, United States, voice-over artist, Wisconsin, writer, Writer's Digest

Enjoying Super Bowl Parties for the Sarcastically Inclined

By Chris Gay

Super Bowl Sunday Arrives

There are many ways in which to maximize your comfort and amusement while watching the game at a Super Bowl party. In that spirit, listed here are a few helpful hints to help you enjoy our unique football holiday. (Listen, if others cared enough about their own Super Bowl party comfort, they’d be reading this instead of you. They snoozed, they lost.)

Play the Food Fool

If you generally spend Super Bowl Sunday with the same people, this works along the same principle as Thanksgiving does. Either make it a point to loudly mock your own pathetic cooking skills, or prepare a dish so bland that it’d make a plate of raw zucchini drizzled with maple syrup seem more appetizing.

If you’re successful in this effort, no one will bother asking you to cook anything ever again. Then the most you’ll ever have to do in the future is make a quick stop for some whipped cream or a few bags of potato chips. (By the way, in the latter instance buy your favorite brand. As there are usually plenty of varieties to choose from at any party, you might as well assure yourself of there being a flavor that you like.)

Mockery

Have some fun at the expense of the resident Know-it-All. Each year, there’s usually someone at every party who loves to show off his or her sports knowledge. (Most often, it’s a his) There are even rumors that, sometimes, that arrogant bastard is me. Whatever. Jealousy is an ugly color.

But I digress. Make the party experience more pleasurable for all by occasionally asking him legitimate-sounding football questions.

First feign your sports ignorance, and then specifically request his expert definition of an Incarnate Interception. Or even better, ask him to explain how the Secondary is employed in the Penny Defensive Package. Even though no such terms exist, there will still be a decent chance that rather than admitting he has no clue what you’re talking about, he’ll actually try to answer. If so, it’ll provide everyone there with years of laughter as you all reminiscence annually. (“Hey, remember the time this clown tried to tell us that…”)

Clean Up and Leftovers

As the party winds down, it’s vitally important to always make a sincerity-laden request to your hostess to help clean up. The benefits of this faux generosity are twofold.
First, she’ll almost always say “No, thank you,” anyway; especially if you’re a guy. Our well-earned reputation for being uncaring, lazy cleaners really pays off here. Plus you’ll get credit for volunteering without even having to do anything to earn it. (Note: If the host is a guy, don’t bother asking. He won’t expect you to anyway, and if you do ask he’ll accept because he doesn’t care either and just wants the mess cleaned up.)

At the end of the evening, you’ll probably be asked to take some food home with you. If so, don’t decline. I mean really, why would you? You could easily snag a few days’ worth of simple meals and/or snacks for yourself. However:

Beware the Cookware Trap!

If at all possible when packing up your gratis party leftovers, use disposable plates and plastic wrap. No guy wants to be stuck with a plate or over-sized casserole dish he’ll have to chip “Mary’s Famous Chili Cheese Dip” out of for an hour, once it’s hardened into a victuals-based cement.

Not to mention having to remember its whereabouts while simultaneously ensuring it remains intact for six months to a year.

Saying Goodnight and Your Sham Promise to Host Next Time

On your way out make sure to not only thank your host/hosts, but also to mention your requisite promise to return the favor.

Yes, you’ll both know that it ain’t happening, but there is that annoying etiquette requirement thing to consider. Besides, it’s a small price to pay if you’re walking out of there with an entire plate of Buffalo wings.

God. The Devil. The Bet. The Fate of Mankind in the Balance. Check out Chris Gay’s new theological, paranormal crime thriller, Ghost of a Chance.

* * * *

‘Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal’ by Chris Gay

* * * *

Author Page (on Facebook)

Chris Gay Author/Writer/ Humorist (on Facebook)

Ghost of a Chance (on Facebook)

Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal (on Facebook)

The Bachelor Cookbook: Edible Meals with a Side of Sarcasm (on Facebook)

And That’s the Way it Was…Give or Take: A Daily Dose of My Radio Writings (on Facebook)

Shouldn’t Ice Cold Beer Be Frozen? My 365 Random Thoughts to Improve Your Life Not One Iota (on Facebook)

Another Round of Ice Cold Beer: My 365 More Random Thoughts to Improve Your Life Not One Iota (on Facebook)

Movies:

2012:

Hope Springs (Barfly)

2009:

Testimonies of a Quiet New England Town (Constable John Gilbert)

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on February 25, 2013 at 7:55 pm Comments (1)
Tags: Big Mac, broadcaster, Chris Gay, chrisgay.net, chrisjgay.com, Christopher Gay, Christopher J Gay, comedy, Connecticut, CT, ESPN, Freelance Writer, Hartford, Hartford Connecticut, Home, Jack the Ripper, Manchester, New England, sarcasm, Satan, Super Bowl, Super Bowl Sunday, Television, Thanksgiving, thepassionofthechris.com, United States, Voice acting, voice-over artist, writer, Writer's Digest

The Hartford County Diet: Chris Gay’s 1-Step, Guaranteed Weight-Loss Plan for the New Millennium

The Hartford County Diet: Chris Gay’s 1-Step, Guaranteed Weight-Loss Plan for the New Millennium

Dedication

To Irony. This humor pamphlet, (The antithesis to my upcoming humor book ‘The Bachelor Cookbook’) was written years before I decided to take my food comedy in the opposite direction. Initially this was to be a full humor book, and pre-dates all those which I’ve already written and published. Look for ‘The Bachelor Cookbook’ in 2013; look for ‘The Hartford County Diet’ blog post directly below these words.

Prologue

This book was conceived for two simple reasons: to make money and help people; necessarily in that order. The notion of the ‘self-help’ book has been around for decades. Just recently we’ve been inundated with the likes of The South Beach Diet, The Atkins Diet and their endlessly multiplying cousins.

While these diet plans may be initially effective they are, in fact, little more than glorified, temporary shortcuts. And not the beneficial kind either, such as deftly avoiding mall traffic by taking an alternate route to a Buffalo Wild Wings in order to make it in time for the opening face-off.

Diet Shortcuts and Dating Advice

These ‘shortcuts’ most often fail for the same reason that changing your persona on a first date ultimately does: No matter how hard you try to be someone you’re not, it’s nearly impossible not to eventually revert back to your true nature. And in the case of food, take that to mean your established eating habits.

With dating you might as well be yourself and hope she falls for the real you. Then, she won’t be surprised when three month’s later you’re still the same chore-avoiding, video game playing, non-communicative couch potato she thought she’d be able to change whom she first met. With victuals, you might as well eat whatever junk you like, ignore the sarcasm, and be happy.

So, you ask, “How do I eat what I want then and still lose weight, Chris?” This is a great question; one easily answered in the following page with great accuracy. In fact, no reputable doctor could refute it.

If followed correctly, you can absolutely eat anything you’d ever want and still shed pounds. What’s better, you can maintain it for life as well. No more PLINKO chips crop-dusted with cheese powder, (rice cakes) or energy bars chalky enough for use in writing mathematical equations on a blackboard. Unless you enjoy those things. Hey, some people like anisette-flavored licorice, so to each his or her own. I guess.

Well, Obviously

If, at this pamphlet’s conclusion, you wonder why you paid good money for the blatantly self-evident, please bear this in mind: professional comedians get paid, some quite handsomely, for pointing out the obvious. What makes you laugh is their assistance in helping you see common happenstances in a new light. Kind of makes you hold them in a somewhat greater esteem, eh?

What you shouldn’t forget though, is that the obvious is still true. Why should you buy this then, when you can simply read it in a typical wait on line in a grocery store check-out line? For one, I would appreciate the money, and two, eventually, you’ll realize that this book is the bargain of a lifetime, if I do say so myself. And I do. Good luck to you, Reader, and God bless Capitalism.

Chapter One

The first and only step to consistent and enduring weight-loss is the following:

1) Burn off more calories than you consume.

Epilogue

Well, now you know. That’s all there is to it. It is mathematically impossible to gain weight if your various activities cause you to expend more calories than you take in. It’s foolproof! However conscience compels me to add this little tidbit: I’m certainly no doctor or nutritionist, and I must speculate that if you asked one, he or she would likely recommend eating the proper amounts of fruits, vegetables, lean meat, grain, dairy, less junk food, blah, blah, etc, etc. There, got that out of the way.

Which is the more correct of these methods is a subject for debate in the sequel to be written later for an additional cash-grab. This book only concerns itself with the weight-loss aspect of dieting. I mean, who am I to judge you? Especially since the only time I eat fruit is when it’s on the inside of a Pop-Tart. So if you want to eat a cheese danish with lemonade three meals a day, go ahead. And while that can work for you, I would think it through a bit first.

Here’s a nickel’s worth of free advice: if you work in an office where every woman has a bowl of chocolate on her desk that she herself never seems to eat, ignore them. (The candy, not the woman. You never know where a relationship might start) Keep a large, ice-filled cup of water by your side. Eat the ice too, as it tends to be considerably low in calories. And although your dentist may discourage this particular practice, well, I’m not a dentist either so it makes me no never mind.

Add a lot more lettuce to your sandwich. It’s filling, with much fewer calories. Iceberg lettuce gets a bad rap, incidentally. Some smart-alec will always tell you it’s the ‘junk food’ of lettuce. Really? It’s essentially green, solidified water, so how bad can it be? Unless you’re allergic to it in which case yeah, avoid it.

Also, go to bed earlier, wake up later,or both; as fictitious studies show it’s difficult to eat while sleeping.

If you order a pizza, share it. If you manage to change your eating habits enough to make a real difference, who knows? You may end up as an annoying yet highly compensated spokesman for a national submarine sandwich chain. But hey, if you do, don’t worry what others think of you as long as the checks clear.

Bettercreme Frosting

If you’re going to eat cake, eat cake-with real frosting. Not one with that horrifying Bettercreme. Sure, people drink a lot of diet soda, so that’s a practical switch. But how much cake do you really eat? If you learn one thing and one thing only from this book, please, let it be that life is much too short for Bettercreme frosting.

In Conclusion

Okay, last thing: Some habits are good. If you can hang on to this mathematical solution long enough to make eating less a habit, it will then become routine. Oh, and don’t eat when you’re not hungry. In fact, here’s a formula to cut out and magnet to your refrigerator. Not Hungry=Don’t Eat.

That’s it. Off you go. Oh wait, one more thing. Get off your backside and move around once in awhile. You’ll thank me later. And if you don’t, who cares? I don’t even know you. Ciao.

God. The Devil. The Bet. The Fate of Mankind in the Balance. Check out my new theological, paranormal crime thriller, Ghost of a Chance.

Chris Gay is an author, freelance writer, voice-over artist, broadcaster and actor. He writes and broadcasts a daily, sponsored minute radio humor spot in Hartford, Connecticut. He’s written three humor books: Shouldn’t Ice Cold Beer Be Frozen? My 365 Random Thoughts to Improve Your Life Not One Iota, And That’s the Way It Was…Give or Take: A Daily Dose of My Radio Writings, and The Bachelor Cookbook: Recipes with a Side of Sarcasm for the Single Guy. He’s currently writing his fourth humor book, Another Round of Ice Cold Beer: My 365 More Random Thoughts to Improve Your Life Not One Iota, along with the Ghost of a Chance sequel Perdition’s Wrath. He has written and voiced radio commercials, authored both comedic and non-comedic freelance articles, scripts, press releases, website, media and technical content, done occasional radio color commentary for local sports, and acted in a couple of movies and plays. He lives in Connecticut.

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Movies:

2012:

Hope Springs (Barfly)

2009:

Testimonies of a Quiet New England Town (Constable John Gilbert)

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Uncategorized

on January 9, 2013 at 8:15 pm Leave a Comment
Tags: Atkins Diet, broadcaster, Buffalo Wild Wings, Chris Gay, chrisgay.net, chrisjgay.com, Christopher Gay, Christopher J Gay, comedy, Connecticut, CT, diet, Food, Freelance Writer, Hartford, Hartford Connecticut, Health, History Christopherjgay.com, humor, Humour, Junk food, Manchester, Radio advertisement, sarcasm, South Beach Diet, Starbucks, thepassionofthechris.com, United States, Voice acting, voice-over artist, Weight loss, writer, Writer's Digest

A Toast to Carrier, the Patron Saint of Air Conditioning

It’s hard to believe that a century has passed since Willis Carrier bestowed upon civilization its greatest man-made gift. Looking back on the 20th Century, it’s not hard to discern its most important contribution to mankind.

Okay, I’ll grant that maybe penicillin is up there. And maybe…okay, okay. Let’s just stipulate all the medical advances. And definitely yoga pants.

So, what’s left?

Before you all answer at once, (which would be odd, as this isn’t a traditional conversation) remember that the telephone, radio, motorcar, movie camera, record player, fax machine, Coca-Cola, Pepsi-Cola, and even television (well, technically) all have their roots planted firmly in the 19th Century and therefore don’t count. Nice try, though.

If you care about my opinion on the matter and, since you’re reading the fourth paragraph I’m guessing you do, (unless you’re just bored, which is still cool; as either way you’ve already increased my page views) it is without question air conditioning.

Yes, I’d give up DVD’s, stuffed crust pizza, the treadmill-and even the microchips that allow me to write these very words before I’d ever part with my AC.

I was born and bred in New England. So I’m sure there are people reading this in Georgia, Texas or Louisiana laughing heartily at my inability to abide our semi-annual fluctuating inferno by comparison to Southerners’ ability to handle the relentless, even sweltering-er version, of theirs.

Fair enough. In fact, I’ll even showcase our famed Northern Hospitality by not mentioning it’s their ridiculous choice to live there.

Ironically Mr. Carrier, the man who made possible such a large exodus to our South, invented modern air conditioning in Buffalo, New York. In fact his company remained a mainstay in nearby Syracuse for decades. These, of course, are two cities where spring and autumn are myths, summer is encompassed between July 16th through July 20th, and in which winter resides the rest of the year.

The reality is that nothing can truly be enjoyed when you’re surrounded by oppressive heat. I’d rather be comfortable and bored than lose a quart of water weight sitting on the couch watching a ballgame in 50-inch high definition. Besides, there’s always a book to read. (Though I guess it does depend on the game.)

So the next time someone comes up for Canonization or Beautification, (As I’m about 25% Catholic and 75% Agnostic, I can never quite remember which one applies. As a writer though, I did know to capitalize them) I’d like to nominate Willis Haviland Carrier. At the very least he was truly, literally, one cool dude.

God. The Devil. The Bet. The Fate of Mankind in the Balance. Check out Chris Gay’s new theological, paranormal crime thriller, Ghost of a Chance.

* * * *

‘Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal’ by Chris Gay

* * * *

Movies:

2012:

Hope Springs (Barfly)

2009:

Testimonies of a Quiet New England Town (Constable John Gilbert)

Published in:

Uncategorized

on May 12, 2012 at 10:16 am Leave a Comment
Tags: Air conditioning, broadcaster, Chris Gay, chrisgay.net, chrisjgay.com, Christopher Gay, Christopher J Gay, Coca-Cola, comedy, Connecticut, CT, Freelance Writer, Hartford, Hartford Connecticut, History Christopherjgay.com, Hope Springs, Manchester, New England Town, New York, Patron saint, Radio advertisement, sarcasm, thepassionofthechris.com, United States, Voice acting, Willis Carrier, writer

“Haha” versus “Lol”-So What’ll it Be?

By Chris Gay

So, you’re about to send or respond to a text or email; or perhaps comment on a social media thread. With your thought completed, you now seek to punctuate your words with something to indicate a humorous intent, as you fear your recipient may be too much of a simpleton to grasp the underlying comedy. You now face a choice that will likely define you for years, nay, decades to come.

‘Haha’…or ‘Lol’?

With the exception of the occasional miscreant who insists on bucking the system and utilizing some other suffix to denote a droll post, most of us are going to pick from the two. Why? For the same reason that nobody really wants to buy domain names if they can’t get what they want to end in .com or .net. Indeed, domain merchants practically pay you to take the .infos off their hands.

At any rate, what you go with at the outset of your texting career will almost certainly set the tone for a lifetime. If this last sentence sounds a lot like the one that concluded the first paragraph, it’s because some topics don’t lend themselves well to my self-imposed ‘minimum four hundred words per humor blog post,’ and so filler is required. Even clever-er is that that unnecessary explanation, for that which you likely didn’t even notice anyway, brought me even further toward my goal. In fact it went so well, I’m even tempted to go into the reason one would use ‘further’ in place of ‘farther’ just then. However that might be pushing it. So moving along, decisions like this take time as well as consideration. As a service to you, let’s take them in turn shall we? We shall.

Lol. What does that even mean? Yes, I realize that literally it expands to Laughing out Loud. But it’s nonsensical. No one actually ‘laughs out loud’ at nearly any of the electronic correspondence he or she receives. Indeed, the funniest thing about a text or email from a friend is likely the ludicrous grammar used by someone who you otherwise thought was an adult of reasonable intelligence.

It’s even more absurd when someone inexplicably uses it after a blatant insult. For instance, you might receive a text reading something like: “Btw thanx 4 the bday gift, but next time don’t get me clothes. U seem 2 have the fashion sense of a far-sighted circus clown. lol.”

It’s to the point where people now believe they can write anything in a message, so long as they tack on an lol. So now texts like these become commonplace:

“It was nice meeting you for lunch after so long, although I was somewhat surprised at how fat you’d gotten. Hopefully, that buffet we ate at will still be able to stay in business. lol”

Or, “Wow, the plastic surgeon really screwed up your nose job. Well maybe now you can get work posing for comic strip characters. lol.”

Haha, while not ideal, is more practical. It’s used for the most part to compassionately explain that the writer’s intent is not meant to be serious, as it’s sometimes difficult to determine the context of a given message. For example, which one of these two texts would you rather receive?

1) “Dude, the doctor just said my “issue” should clear up on its own in a few weeks. So is it okay now if I call your sister?”

2) “Dude, the doctor just said my “issue” should clear up on its own in a few weeks. So is it okay now if I call your sister? Haha.”

Or these:

1) “Thanks for letting me borrow your credit card to fill up the Toyota, honey. Oh btw, I also decided to buy $700 worth of Omaha steaks to stock our new freezer.”

2) “Thanks for letting me borrow your credit card to fill up the Toyota, honey. Oh btw, I also decided to buy $700 worth of Omaha steaks to stock our new freezer, haha.”

So you see, there is a measurable difference between the two and, now that you know it, the choice is yours. So as not to influence your decision I won’t give you my own preference, haha.

God. The Devil. The Bet. The Fate of Mankind in the Balance. Check out my new theological, paranormal crime thriller, Ghost of a Chance.

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