My ‘Jaws’ Movie Prequel Script

We all know it goes without saying that Jaws is among the greatest movies ever committed to celluloid. It should never be remade. However nothing is sacred today and so, if it is remade, I’d like to throw my concept in the ring.                    

This isn’t an entire script. It details some of the back story on both Quint and Chief Brody that  the beginning of the main story we all know and love…

 

 

  JAWS 

(Prequel)

Screenplay

By Chris Gay

Film opens on the USS Indianapolis on the water, with the sun setting around it.

Mess Hall, USS Indianapolis

July 30, 1945

Sam Quint & Herbie Robinson are sitting at a table across from each other. There are empty plates in front of them and they’re both drinking coffee.

Robinson:

“You think this’ll be the end of it then, Sam?”

Quint:

“Can’t really tell. Bastards are dug in, an’ looks like they’re willin’ to fight to the last man. Why? You got somewhere better to be?”

Robinson:

“Signed a contract with the Indians. If the war ends by next spring they’re gonna give me a tryout.”

Quint:

“Big Leagues, eh? Didn’t know I was sailin’ with a bona fide star.”

Robinson modestly rolls his eyes, but smiles.

Robinson:

“Not likely, my friend. (Finishes his coffee in one last swig and puts the cup down.) Can’t make The Show from the middle of the ocean.”

Quint:

“Don’t you be worrying about that, Herbie. What we’ve delivered’ll end this war. You see if it don’t.”

Robinson:

“You sound confident we’ll get it there. Must be that new tattoo.” (Says with a smile.)

 Quint:

(Throwing a cursory glance down at his fresh USS Indianapolis tattoo) “Well I don’t know about that, Mr. Robinson. Tattoos don’t win wars, but a weapon like this one sure as hell does… (Pauses for a moment, and then continues more positively.) Anyway, cheer up. Come next spring you’ll be trading your guns for gloves and fightin’ for the AL Pennant. Beats the hell outta this.”

Robinson:

(Smiling) “Hopefully. What’ll you be doing?”

Quint:

“Back home to New England; gonna be a carpenter. I got a feelin’ there’s gonna be a lot of work building houses in the comin’ years.”

Robinson:

“Carpenter, huh? That’ll be the day. Thought you were a fisherman?”

Quint:

“Whatever pays the bills, Herbie. Whatever pays th-” (Suddenly, an explosion rocks the boat and both are thrown from their chairs to the ground.)

Robinson:

“What the hell was…”

Quint:

 “Torpedo! Let’s get topside! C’mon, now!”

The two head for the exit with water starting to pour in from one side. Other sailors in the mess hall are scrambling around to get out, too. One has fallen; Quint and Robinson stop, pick him up, & together they carry him out of the mess hall.

They’re moving up the stairs as the ship starts to list. The sailor they were carrying is okay to walk. The three of them move through a growing shower of seawater.

Quint:

“Faster, men! We gotta get up an’ outta here if we don’t wanna end up on the bottom with her!”

Other Sailor:

(Shouting above the noise) “How much time?!”

Quint:

“Vessel’s got ten minutes. Fifteen at most!” (They reach the deck, with men already there putting a few lifeboats into the water. Others were flinging as many life jackets overboard as they could.)

Robinson:

“Let’s get to the-“

Quint:

(Interrupting) “No time! Get in that goddamn water and swim as far from the boat as you can!”

Robinson:

“What?! Why?!”

Other sailor:

“Suction!” (Quint looks from the sailor to Herbie, and nods silently in agreement. The ship is listing badly now.)

Quint:

“It’s time, my friend. Go, go! (Robinson joins him at the rail and together they jump into the water and swim away.)

After getting about a hundred yards out they stop, turn around, and watch the vessel founder. They look at each other in the oily water, and then swim back toward a couple of floating life jackets. They put them on and join a few others treading water nearby.

Smitty:

“Quint? That you?”

Quint:

“Yeah. Me an’ Herbie.”

Smitty:

“You two stay with us. We’ve gotta band together; keep close! When those damn sharks start circling, we’re gonna be better off in a group.

Quint:

“We’re sitting ducks out here, Smitty.”

Robinson:

(Spitting out oily seawater) “We shouldn’t be long in the water. Theyd’ve radioed our position before the Indy foundered.”

Smitty:

“Nah, Robinson. Clandestine mission. No one knows we’re here. We could floating out here for days.” (Reality sinks in for Herbie.)

In the distance they hear a scream. They look up and see a solitary sailor a hundred yards away being eaten by a shark. Quint starts to swim toward the sailor, & Smitty grabs him by the back of the life jacket.

Quint:

“Get offa me, ya bastard!”

Smitty:

(Pulling him around so they’re face to face.) “Sam, listen! (Quint squirms to break free, Smitty’s grip holds.) Listen to me, damn it! He’s gone, all you’d do over there is get yourself killed. We gotta keep our wits about us now. We gotta stay together!”

Quint:

“Jesus H. Christ!”

Smitty:

“We’re gonna need him.” (Smitty’s words are audible only to himself.)

Scene fades out. When it fades back in it’s daytime. Quint and Smitty are sleeping while being kept afloat by their life jackets. Quint wakes up.

Quint:

“Smitty…Smitty!”

 Smitty:

“I’m here, Sam. I’m up.”

Quint:

“How long we been out here?”

Smitty:

“‘Bout four days now, at least.”

Quint:

“Sounds right. Damn it, I’m starving. (Quint looks over to Robinson, who’s twenty yards away) Herbie…Herbie wake up, man. (Quint swims the short distance over to Robinson. He’s still apparently asleep. Quint pushes him on the shoulder to wake him, and Herbie’s torso bobs over and he floats face-first in the water) Jesus H. Christ! Herbie! Herbie!”

Smitty:

“Sam! (Quint turns and looks back,) He’s gone, man. He’s gone…Come back to the group. It’s safer.”

Quint remains for a moment; a look of fury on his face. Then he reluctantly swims back to the others. As he does, Smitty turns his head to a noise in the distance. Quint, along with the camera, follows his eyes to a ship in the distance getting closer to their position.

Smitty:

“Is it a…”

Quint:

“Yeah.”

As the ship gets closer, Quint looks back on Robinson.  

Smitty:

(Puts his hand on Quint’s shoulder.) “That plane musta saw us! We made it, Sam. We made it!’

Quint:

(Still staring at their rescue ship.)“Yeah. We did…”

 Scene fades to black

New York City, April, 1973

A foot chase is in progress. NYPD Officer Martin Brody is pursuing a suspect, whom he corners in an alley.

 Martin Brody:

“Freeze!”

(Corned, the hoodlum Brody was chasing slowly turns around. He suddenly pulls his hand out of his sweatshirt pocket and fires a round at Brody, He barely misses him, and the bullet removes a good-sized chunk of the brick from the wall behind him. Brody returns fire, and connects with the hoodlum’s shoulder. He then moves in to make the arrest.) 

“Jesus man, that fuckin’ hurts!”

Brody:

(Slapping handcuffs on him) “It’ll hurt a helluva lot more if you don’t shut the hell up.” (Sirens wail in the background. As Brody drags the suspect to his feet, he’s approached by another uniformed officer.)

Brody:

(To arriving officer) “Book this asshole. Took a goddamn shot at me.”

(Brody nods his head to the wall and the officer looks over at it.)

Officer:

 “Jesus…Want to ride back with him?” (The implication is that Brody would have a chance to exact some revenge on the drive back to the Precinct.)

Brody:

“No, I’ll walk it.”

Officer:

“Whatever you say, Marty. (Speaking to the suspect as he lifts him up by the shoulder.) All right, asshole. Let’s go.” (The arriving officer takes the suspect to the squad car and roughly shoves him in. Brody watches the car until it’s out of sight. Then he backs up to the brick wall and stares silently at the damage inflicted upon it by the bullet that was meant for him. After a moment he lets out a sigh, then slowly slides down till he’s in a crouch, then stares blankly across the alleyway the way Quint stared at the approaching rescue ship. Scene fades out.)

Amity Island, Massachusetts. September, 1973

Amity Mayor Larry Vaughn:

(Reading a piece of paper in front of him, and then looking up) “This is a very impressive resume, Martin. It’s even better than what you told me over the phone. I have to ask; are you sure you’d want to trade the excitement of New York City in for the monotony of Amity Island? While it’s still police work, it’s a totally different world. There hasn’t been a singe killing in over 25 years. “

 Brody:

“I’ve talked it over with my wife, Mr. Vaughn. The fresh start for our family in a much safer place is the best move for us. The promotion and raise don’t hurt too much, either.” (Brody smiles.)

 Vaughn:

“All right, then. Oh, and it’s just Larry, by the way. Listen, you’re the most qualified candidate we’ve had in here so far. I’ll need to get a rubber stamp from the selectmen, but that’s just a formality. Can you start October 1^st?”

Brody:

“I’m good with that, Larry.”

Vaughn:

“Right. Go find yourself some temporary lodging. Should be no problem in September. I’ll call you in a week, Martin.”

Brody:

“Good enough. Thanks the offer; I look forward to the job.” (Brody stands up and the two shake hands. Scene fades out.)

June 1975

A group of twenty-somethings are sitting around a campfire on the beach. One of the men is drinking, and eyeing an attractive brunette. She’s returning his gaze.

 

(Following her while stumbling) “Wait! Wait for me!”

This brings the script up to where the original movie begins.

God. The Devil. The Bet. The Fate of Mankind in the Balance. Check out Chris Gay’s new theological, paranormal crime thriller, Ghost of a Chance.

What if a late 20th Century Jack the Ripper tearing apart a small Connecticut town was the result of a pancake shop bet between God and the devil? Imagine if Satan’s impact on the world in the new millennium hinged entirely on one police officer’s skill in hunting down a ruthless killer…hiding in plain sight. Detective Danny Seabrook is an unwitting pawn in a divine chess match with immeasurable consequences for all mankind. Set primarily in 1995, this action-packed suspense thriller features clever dialogue, humor and romance-with an ending you will never forget.

*     *     *     *

‘Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal’ by Chris Gay

As the end draws near for long-retired Sherlock Holmes in Sussex Downs, he calls one last time for the company of his best friend and colleague, Dr. John Watson. What was meant to be four last days of camaraderie and reminiscing instead leads to the most shocking, explosive revelation both of the great detective’s career, and his life.

Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal is a Holmes tale like none other ever conceived. Fans of Baker Street’s legendary detective will be left with the insatiable need to contemplate its extraordinary conclusion forevermore.

*     *     *     *

Chris Gay is an author, freelance writer, voice-over artist, broadcaster and actor. For 7 years he wrote and broadcast a daily, minute radio humor spot in Hartford, Connecticut. He’s been published nationally in Writer’s Digest and has written the paranormal, theological thriller novel Ghost of a Chance, Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal, (an original, extraordinary short story on the great detective with a spectacular twist) and four humor books: And That’s the Way It Was…Give or Take: A Daily Dose of My Radio Writings, Shouldn’t Ice Cold Beer Be Frozen? My 365 Random Thoughts to Improve Your Life Not One Iota, and The Bachelor Cookbook: Edible Meals with a Side of Sarcasm & Another Round of Ice Cold Beer: My 365 More Random Thoughts to Improve Your Life Not One Iota. He’s written and voiced radio commercials, authored both comedic and non-comedic freelance articles, scripts, press releases, website, media and technical content, done occasional radio color commentary for local sports, and acted in a couple of movies and plays. His website is chrisjgay.com, and his humor blog can be found at chrisgay.wordpress.com.

http://www.chrisjgay.com

Author Page (on Facebook)

Chris Gay Author/Writer/ Humorist (on Facebook)

Ghost of a Chance (on Facebook)

Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal (on Facebook)

The Bachelor Cookbook: Edible Meals with a Side of Sarcasm (on Facebook)

And That’s the Way it Was…Give or Take: A Daily Dose of My Radio Writings (on Facebook)

Shouldn’t Ice Cold Beer Be Frozen? My 365 Random Thoughts to Improve Your Life Not One Iota (on Facebook)

Another Round of Ice Cold Beer: My 365 More Random Thoughts to Improve Your Life Not One Iota (on Facebook)

https://chrisgay.wordpress.com

Movies:

2012: Hope Springs (Barfly)

2009: Testimonies of a Quiet New England Town (Constable John Gilbert)

Advertisement

Faux-Chef Chris vs. Garlic: Round 2

Those of you who are familiar with my writings and books are aware that I’m a writer and author. But did you know that I’m also an awful karaoke singer? Anyway, we’ll move on from the latter. Today my focus is on food.

The Tale of Writer vs. Vegetable

For nearly all my life, my relationship with food has been rather simple. If it’s a meal that your average nutritionist would reflexively gasp at in horror, it was probably something you’d find on my personal menu. A steady diet of flavored corn chips and ice cream was my regular fare. Pepperoni pizza was also a regular staple, as it is a perfect representation of the Four Food Groups. (Well, technically.)

I was so proud of my culinary creations as a divorced bachelor in possession of fewer cooking skills than a politician’s cache of morals, I decided to write one of my books on them.

As a quick aside, allow me to show you an example of a cheap, shameless personal plug: That humor book, The Bachelor Cookbook: Edible Meals with a Side of Sarcasm, is easily available via paperback or on Kindle by clicking on the link thoughtfully and conveniently below. But I digress.

I’ve been putting in a lot of time at the gym for awhile now and have been looking for ways to augment my fitness efforts. Coincidentally, I recently came across an article on something called “fruits” and “vegetables”.

As someone who was previously unfamiliar with those terms, I was intrigued and read further. It turns out you can buy these alleged food items in something called the Produce Department of any grocery store. So I went to one and, sure enough, such a department exists.

I bought a selection of this so-called “produce” and tried it. The items varied from moderately tolerable to royally sucking. (The Cherry-flavored Mike & Ike’s were okay, though.)

However, since I’d committed to marrying a better diet to my workouts, I began trying to incorporate some of these things into my meals-rotation. And that is what brings us to the crux of the story…

Writer vs. Garlic

I’ve never had an issue with garlic; I’ve used its’ spice form for years when cooking pierogies. (It’s a Lithuanian thing.) I’ve also always loved store and restaurant-prepared garlic bread.

But to buy a bulb and try cooking one myself? Well, I’m nothing if not courageous; so I got one. Immediately, like any other red-blooded American would, I went to YouTube to find out whatever I could.

There wasn’t much on preparation, but there were several items on how to easily open it. You just shake the bulb between the closed space created by putting two equally-sized plastic bowls together.

Once done, I peeled off the remnants (of what; garlic tissue, maybe?) began chopping, (after my research revealed a simple, lousy garlic press costs $16) and then tossed the 13 cloves that the bulb had surrendered into a frying pan full of butter.

Once they started sizzling I, as required by United States and International Law, snapped a picture of my accomplishment; then proudly posted it to social media while I waited for the cloves’ ultimate destination of spaghetti sauce to simmer.

As I stirred the cloves around while enveloped within a cloud of heavenly aroma, I received a comment notification on my posted picture from my cousin who exclaimed something along the lines of, “Chris, you’re not supposed to use the whole bulb!”

Well damn it, how would I have known? There was no note stamped on the lone bulb I purchased. You know, they actually print “Contains nuts” warnings on jars of peanuts; they affix “Do not use in shower” tags to hair dryers. Is it not reasonable to expect such a heads up on garlic?

Anyway, I still tried the spaghetti and discovered two things rather quickly: I needed a tall glass of cold water stat; and that I’d never have to worry about loitering vampires again.

I didn’t finish the pasta, and it took me a month to try and contend with the plucky spice again. And so today brought the world Round 2 of Faux-Chef Chris vs. Garlic. Just like Rocky in Rocky II, I finally bested my nemesis and reigning champion Garlic to claim the belt for myself.

I ditched the bulb, peeled only 3 cloves, and put the rest in a bag for storage. I fried them in butter and this time mixed it in with meat tortellini; (ricotta blows) and it was de-li-ci-ous.

After teaching Garlic what’s what, my next kitchen-ionic mountain to climb is to tame the mighty Bell Pepper in a contest of stir fry.

I’m counting on my new reputation as Culinary King to dishearten all varieties of Bell Peppers before we even begin. I’m certain it will.

God. The Devil. The Bet. The Fate of Mankind in the Balance. Check out Chris Gay’s new theological, paranormal crime thriller, Ghost of a Chance.

What if a late 20th Century Jack the Ripper tearing apart a small Connecticut town was the result of a pancake shop bet between God and the devil? Imagine if Satan’s impact on the world in the new millennium hinged entirely on one police officer’s skill in hunting down a ruthless killer…hiding in plain sight. Detective Danny Seabrook is an unwitting pawn in a divine chess match with immeasurable consequences for all mankind. Set primarily in 1995, this action-packed suspense thriller features clever dialogue, humor and romance-with an ending you will never forget.

*     *     *     *

‘Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal’ by Chris Gay

As the end draws near for long-retired Sherlock Holmes in Sussex Downs, he calls one last time for the company of his best friend and colleague, Dr. John Watson. What was meant to be four last days of camaraderie and reminiscing instead leads to the most shocking, explosive revelation both of the great detective’s career, and his life.

Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal is a Holmes tale like none other ever conceived. Fans of Baker Street’s legendary detective will be left with the insatiable need to contemplate its extraordinary conclusion forevermore.

*     *     *     *

Chris Gay is an author, freelance writer, voice-over artist, broadcaster and actor. For 7 years he wrote and broadcast a daily, minute radio humor spot in Hartford, Connecticut. He’s been published nationally in Writer’s Digest and has written the paranormal, theological thriller novel Ghost of a Chance, Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal, (an original, extraordinary short story on the great detective with a spectacular twist) and four humor books: And That’s the Way It Was…Give or Take: A Daily Dose of My Radio Writings, Shouldn’t Ice Cold Beer Be Frozen? My 365 Random Thoughts to Improve Your Life Not One Iota, and The Bachelor Cookbook: Edible Meals with a Side of Sarcasm & Another Round of Ice Cold Beer: My 365 More Random Thoughts to Improve Your Life Not One Iota. He’s written and voiced radio commercials, authored both comedic and non-comedic freelance articles, scripts, press releases, website, media and technical content, done occasional radio color commentary for local sports, and acted in a couple of movies and plays. His website is chrisjgay.com, and his humor blog can be found at chrisgay.wordpress.com.

http://www.chrisjgay.com

Author Page (on Facebook)

Chris Gay Author/Writer/ Humorist (on Facebook)

Ghost of a Chance (on Facebook)

Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal (on Facebook)

The Bachelor Cookbook: Edible Meals with a Side of Sarcasm (on Facebook)

And That’s the Way it Was…Give or Take: A Daily Dose of My Radio Writings (on Facebook)

Shouldn’t Ice Cold Beer Be Frozen? My 365 Random Thoughts to Improve Your Life Not One Iota (on Facebook)

Another Round of Ice Cold Beer: My 365 More Random Thoughts to Improve Your Life Not One Iota (on Facebook)

https://chrisgay.wordpress.com

Movies:

2012: Hope Springs (Barfly)

2009: Testimonies of a Quiet New England Town (Constable John Gilbert)

Chris’s English Language Tips

I write everything. From the serious to the humorous. I’m the author of six books. I’ve been published in a national writing magazine, sold a TV script, & have written a combined hundreds of blog posts, articles and advertisements.

Although this blog primarily consists of humor, today I’d like to give back. This post contains no comedy or sarcasm; it’s merely a guide to help those who are trying to learn the English language navigate through some of its trickiest parts. As the months go by, I’ll keep updating it. I truly hope that this guide helps people to learn arguably the hardest language in the world.

Produce: To make something (“There’s no way that I can possibly produce one hundred custom t-shirts an hour!”) (Pro-DUCE)

Produce: To show something (“I had to produce my license for the bartender.”) (Pro-DUCE)

Produce: Fruits & vegetables (“All of that fresh produce looks delicious!”) (PRO-duce)

Pronunciations differ as per above

____________________________________________________________________________________________

Read: The activity of viewing & understanding words (“I read all the time.”) (REED)

Read: The past tense of read: (“I just read a terrific book!”) (RED)

Read: To believe that there’s more to something than there appears to be (“That woman is just a friend, dear; don’t read anything into it.”) (REED)

Pronunciations differ as per above

____________________________________________________________________________________________

There: Indicates location (“My keys are over there.”)

Their: Indicates possession (“That’s their car.”)

They’re: The contraction of “they” & “are” (“They’re already at the concert.”)

All 3 are pronounced the same

____________________________________________________________________________________________

To: Signifies direction (“I’m going to the gym.”)

Too: Also (“Would you like to go, too?”)

Two: The number between 1 & 3 (“I’ll have two tacos, please.”)

All 3 are pronounced the same

____________________________________________________________________________________________

*Where: Signifies location (“Where are we going?”)

We’re: The contraction of “we” & “are” (“We’re leaving now.”) (WEER)

Were: The past tense of “are” (“We were there earlier, but we’re home now.”) (WUR)

*Wear: To have on clothing, jewelry, etc. (“I think I’ll wear my coat tonight.”)

*Ware(s): Item(s) sold to others  (“Over two hundred vendors are expected to showcase their wares at the local flea market today.”) (“Suzie said she spent over an hour setting out her wares for the tag sale.”)

Wary: Suspicious, cautious (“I’m wary of inviting her again after how she acted at our last party.”) (WARE-ee)

Weary: Tired (“I’ve grown weary of your poor attitude.”) (WEER-ee)

Weird: Odd (“The platypus is very weird looking.”) (WEERD)

*”Where”, “Wear”, & “Ware” are all pronounced the same

____________________________________________________________________________________________

Lose: To misplace something that you can’t find (“Did you lose your keys?”) (LUZE)

Lose: To not win a game or contest (“Did you win or lose the hockey game?”) (LUZE)

Loose: Not tight- (“The front leg on this chair is loose.”) (LUCE)

For some reason that I don’t understand, a great many people use “Loose” in place of “Lose”, & vice-versa. Just remember that their meanings are totally different.

____________________________________________________________________________________________

It’s: The contraction of “it” & “is” (“It’s snowing out!”)

Its: The possessive pronoun of “it” (“I programmed that light to shut off on its own.”)

Both are pronounced the same

____________________________________________________________________________________________

Then: To reference a period of time (“I didn’t have my cat back then.”) (THEN)

Than: To compare (“I’d rather have the ice cream than the cake.”) (THAN)

____________________________________________________________________________________________

Very: To stress or emphasize something (“It’s very hot outside today.”)

Vary: To showcase difference (“The weatherman said today’s temperatures will vary quite a bit.”) (“I didn’t like that movie at all, but I’m sure opinions will vary.”)

Both are pronounced the same

____________________________________________________________________________________________

Steak: A cut of meat or fish (“Waiter, I’ll have the sirloin steak with a baked potato.”)

Stake:  A pole or similar object with a single sharpened end that’s driven into the ground to keep something in place, such as a tent or volleyball net (“We’ll have to hammer in one more stake to fully secure our tent.”)

Stake: Signifies risk (“Hurry up! You know what’s at stake if we don’t quickly repair the hole in this boat!”)

Stake: To loan or give something; usually money (“You’re broke? I’ll stake you the cash to keep gambling.”)

Stake(s): Prize money, usually associated with horse races. (“The stakes are high at the Kentucky Derby.”)

All 5 are pronounced the same

____________________________________________________________________________________________

Purse: A woman’s handbag (“I think there’s some gum in my purse.”)

Purse: Prize money, usually associated with boxing matches (“I hear the purse for this fight is $4 million dollars.”)

Both are pronounced the same

____________________________________________________________________________________________

Here: Signifies location (“We’re here!”)

Hear: The activity of listening to words or noises (“Did you hear that bird singing this morning?”)

Both are pronounced the same

____________________________________________________________________________________________

Could’ve: A contraction of “could” & “have” (“The iced tea could’ve used more sugar.”)

Would’ve: A contraction of “would” & “have” (“I would’ve gone last week if I hadn’t had the flu.”)

There is no such thing as “could of”, or “would of”, but you’ll see them used a lot, anyway

____________________________________________________________________________________________

Bare: Unclothed, naked (“Her sleeveless dress left her arms bare.”) (“I worked outside all day in my bare feet.”)

Bear: A large animal (“Be careful hiking, there have been recent reports of a large bear on that trail.”)

Bear: To hold, support or deliver; literally & figuratively (“I still bear a grudge against him for eating all of my pizza.”) (“I can’t bear the weight of this couch we’re carrying much longer.”) (“We’ve found a surrogate mother to bear our son.”)

Bear: A limit (“The pain caused by our divorce is very hard to bear.”)

All 4 are pronounced the same

____________________________________________________________________________________________

Our: Signifies possession (“That is our house.”)

Hour: A measurement of time consisting of 60 minutes (“The hockey game will start in one hour.”)

Both are pronounced the same

____________________________________________________________________________________________

Peel: To strip away (“Since my political candidate lost the election, I’m going to peel that bumper sticker off my car.”)

Peel: A natural fruit covering such as is found on an orange, banana or apple (“Please don’t leave that orange peel on the table.”)

Both are pronounced the same

____________________________________________________________________________________________

Through: Completed or finished (“I’m through with my dinner.”) (“I’m breaking up with you; we’re through.”)

Through: Going into and emerging from something; literally & figuratively (“To get here we had to go through the tunnel.”) (“Don’t worry, I’ll help you get through this difficult time.”)

Threw: Past tense of “throw”. (“We went down to the park earlier and threw the football around.”)

All 3 are pronounced the same

____________________________________________________________________________________________

Miner: Someone who extracts a resource from a mine or cave; associated most often with coal, diamonds, gold & silver (“Claustrophobia is not a something a miner would ever want to have.”) (MINE-er)

Minor: Any person who is not yet an adult (“No minor can watch that movie without a parent or guardian present.”) (MINE-or)

____________________________________________________________________________________________

Employed: Used (“Once I employed my electric screwdriver, installing that door was much easier.”)

Employed: To have a job (“I’m employed as a foreman at the Smile-Rite toothpaste company.”)

Both are pronounced the same

____________________________________________________________________________________________

Tip: To doff or remove, most often associated with a cap or hat (“How nice of that gentleman to tip his cap to me.”)

Tip: A gratuity given for a provided service (“I’m going to tip our waitress 20%.”)

Tip: To unbalance something (“Be careful while cleaning the desk to not tip over the lamp.”)

All 3 are pronounced the same

____________________________________________________________________________________________

Your: Signifies possession (“Here, this one is your sandwich.”)

You’re: The contraction of “You” & “Are” (“You’re a really great guy, Chris.”)

Yore: A general time in the distant past (“Oh, how I long for the Christmases of yore”.)

All 3 are pronounced the same

____________________________________________________________________________________________

Address: To speak or talk to others (“The president will address the nation at 9 o’clock tonight.”)

Address: To give attention to (“I’ll address that issue after I return from my vacation.”)

Address: The location of a residence or business (“My address is 126 Maple Street Bismarck, North Dakota.”)

All 3 are pronounced the same

____________________________________________________________________________________________

Light: A source of natural or artificial illumination (“Please turn the light on in the living room.”) (“We’ve been up all night, it’ll be light outside soon.”)

Light: Not heavy (“This feather is very light.”)

Light: Less than expected (“The pot for this poker game looks a little light.”)

All 3 are pronounced the same

____________________________________________________________________________________________

Stationary: To remain in place (“Bill wisely remained quiet and stationary until the grizzly bear left his campsite.”)

Stationery: Writing supplies such as paper & ink (“I’ll write her a letter on some of the hotel stationery.”)

Both are pronounced the same

____________________________________________________________________________________________

Poker: A popular card game (“Let’s call a few friends and play poker tonight.”)

Poker: A long, hand-held metal rod used to adjust wood burning in a fireplace (“He used the poker to spread out the logs.”)

Both are pronounced the same

____________________________________________________________________________________________

See: The act of viewing anything (“I can see much better with my new glasses.”)

See: To understand (“Oh, okay. Now I see what you mean.”)

Sea: The ocean (“Those sword fishermen are going out to sea today.”)

All 3 are pronounced the same

____________________________________________________________________________________________

Type: To use keyboard or typewriter keys to produce words (“I have to type my report by tomorrow.”)

Type: A personal preference (“That woman is just my type.”)

Both are pronounced the same

____________________________________________________________________________________________

Further: Something extra, a figurative measurement of distance (“I have nothing further to add to this conversation.”) (“I’m further along with this book than I thought I was.”)

Farther: A measurement of actual distance (“We still have twenty miles farther to go before we reach the hotel.”)

____________________________________________________________________________________________

Holy: Sacred, Divine, having to do with God (“The ground where Saint Bartholomew is buried is holy.”)

Wholly: Completely (“The Acme golf ball company is a wholly-owned subsidiary of the Smith Corporation.”)

Both are pronounced the same

____________________________________________________________________________________________

Great: Expansive (“I’ve traveled a great distance to try what I’m told are New Mexico’s finest iced cinnamon buns.”)

Great: Fantastic (“You did a great job redecorating your home.”)

Grate: A covering (“I dropped my smartphone through that sewer grate.”)

Grate: To shave off, most often associated with food (“Dinner will be ready as soon as I grate this parmesan cheese.”)

Grate: To annoy (“She continues to grate on my every nerve.”)

All 5 are pronounced the same

____________________________________________________________________________________________

Later: A future time (“I’ll wash my car later.”) (LAY-ter)

Latter: The last thing mentioned (“I’ll eat hot dogs, french fries and hamburgers; but the latter is my favorite.”) (Latter)

____________________________________________________________________________________________

By: By way of (“You can get to Main Street easier by taking a right turn here.”)

Buy: To purchase (“I think it’s time to buy a new television.”)

Bye: Good-bye (“Bye! I’ll see you soon!”)

All 3 are pronounced the same

____________________________________________________________________________________________

One: The number before two (“I’ll just have one doughnut.”)

Won: To achieve victory in a game or contest (“We won the championship!”) (“I won the lottery!”)

Both are pronounced the same

____________________________________________________________________________________________

Present: A gift (“This year I want to give Chris a very expensive birthday present.”)

Present: The current point in time (“The present time is 3:18p.m.”)

Present: To be in attendance (“I was present at my nephew’s graduation.”)

Present: To deliver (“Due to your extraordinary heroism Fireman Jones, on behalf of the citizens of Minneapolis, I’d like to present you with this key to the city.”)

All 4 are pronounced the same

____________________________________________________________________________________________

Medal: An award (“The 1980 U.S. Men’s Ice hockey team won the gold medal.”)

Metal: A material such as steel (“This ship’s anchor is made of very heavy metal.”)

Mettle: Courage, valor (“He showed tremendous mettle in fighting off that Great White shark so his wife could swim to safety.”)

Meddle: To interfere (“For the last time, do not ever meddle in my affairs again!”)

All 4 are pronounced the same

____________________________________________________________________________________________

Waste: The left-over byproduct of anything (“That food is spoiled and is now waste. Throw it away.”)

Waist: The middle area of the body that a belt would cover (“The size of his waist has shrunk since he went on a diet.”)

Both are pronounced the same

____________________________________________________________________________________________

Right: An answer or statement that is correct (“You’re right. The capital of Connecticut is Hartford.”)

Right: Politically, a term to describe Republicans & Conservatives (The Right strongly believes in the U.S. Constitution.”)

Write: To inscribe words onto paper or on other areas (“Let me just write a note before we leave, so if she shows up she’ll know where we are.”)

All 3 are pronounced the same

____________________________________________________________________________________________

Miscellaneous Items

• Pro means for (“I am pro-life.”) It’s also a very common abbreviation of Professional
• Anti means to be against or to dislike something (“I’m very anti-summer because I love wintry weather!”)
• The & symbol is called an ampersand. It’s used as a substitute for the word and
• The * symbol is called an asterisk. It’s used to let readers know that a more in-depth explanation (or disclaimer) about something they’ve read is provided elsewhere. It’s usually at the bottom of the same page or advertisement
• A palindrome is a word that is spelled the same backward & forward, such as Level or Radar
• You drive on a parkway & park in a driveway. I know it doesn’t make sense…but it is what it is
• Flammable & Inflammable both mean the same thing: something combustible. (Very easily catches on fire) (“Don’t leave the newspaper on the stove, it’s very (in)flammable!”)
• “Literally” is overused & often misused. It should only be used when it exactly matches what you are saying. WRONG WAYS: “I was literally beside myself in anger.” “I literally ate a million doughnuts.” Those uses are wrong because both don’t make literal sense. RIGHT WAYS: “I literally ate an entire pizza.” If you did in fact eat a whole pizza, that would be a correct usage. “I read Chris’s spectacular novel literally overnight.” If that’s what you did, then that is also correct.
• Vice-Versa means the reverse of something (“Let’s change it up. You do my job today, and vice-versa.”)
• Deja-vu is the feeling that you’ve experienced something before that you don’t ever remember experiencing (“This is the first time I’ve eaten at this restaurant, but I can’t shake the feeling I’ve of having been here before. It must be deja-vu.”)
• An Acronym is a term or phrase that is shortened into a much easier representative word (“SCUBA is an acronym for Self-Contained Underwater Breathing Apparatus.”)
• West Hartford, Connecticut native Noah Webster wrote the first American dictionary. As the United States had recently become independent from England, he dropped letters in words that he felt were unnecessary. That’s why British & Canadian words such as “Humour”, “Honour” & “Neighbour” are not spelled the same in America
• Penultimate is the second-to-last of something (“This is the penultimate episode of this sitcom. The series will end after next week’s show.”) (“As they missed the playoffs yet again, this is the Buffalo Bills penultimate game of their season. There’s only one more game left.”)
• A is used before words that begin with a consonant, (“What a tremendously gifted writer Chris is!”) while an is used before words that begin with a vowel (“Buying Chris’s books is an excellent decision.”) However, an exception for an exists with some words that begin with the consonant H (“Yorktown, Virginia is an historic site in American history.”) (“We make fresh bagels once an hour.”)
• Etcetera is a word that means and so forth or and so on (“For the family picnic let’s get several varieties of deli meat; turkey, ham, salami, etcetera.”) Etcetera in written form is almost always abbreviated to Etc.
• Miscellaneous is a general term that refers to a variety of items, sometimes extra, that don’t fit into a specific category (“Please put the plates and glassware in this box, the utensils in that box, and all of the miscellaneous stuff from the junk drawer in this bag.”) In written form, miscellaneous is very often abbreviated to Misc.
• Starboard & Port are nautical directional terms. On a boat or ship, starboard means right & port means left.

God. The Devil. The Bet. The Fate of Mankind in the Balance. Check out Chris Gay’s new theological, paranormal crime thriller, Ghost of a Chance.

What if a late 20th Century Jack the Ripper tearing apart a small Connecticut town was the result of a pancake shop bet between God and the devil? Imagine if Satan’s impact on the world in the new millennium hinged entirely on one police officer’s skill in hunting down a ruthless killer…hiding in plain sight. Detective Danny Seabrook is an unwitting pawn in a divine chess match with immeasurable consequences for all mankind. Set primarily in 1995, this action-packed suspense thriller features clever dialogue, humor and romance-with an ending you will never forget.

*     *     *     *

‘Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal’ by Chris Gay

As the end draws near for long-retired Sherlock Holmes in Sussex Downs, he calls one last time for the company of his best friend and colleague, Dr. John Watson. What was meant to be four last days of camaraderie and reminiscing instead leads to the most shocking, explosive revelation both of the great detective’s career, and his life.

Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal is a Holmes tale like none other ever conceived. Fans of Baker Street’s legendary detective will be left with the insatiable need to contemplate its extraordinary conclusion forevermore.

*     *     *     *

Chris Gay is an author, freelance writer, voice-over artist, broadcaster and actor. For 7 years he wrote and broadcast a daily, minute radio humor spot in Hartford, Connecticut. He’s been published nationally in Writer’s Digest and has written the paranormal, theological thriller novel Ghost of a Chance, Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal, (an original, extraordinary short story on the great detective with a spectacular twist) and four humor books: And That’s the Way It Was…Give or Take: A Daily Dose of My Radio Writings, Shouldn’t Ice Cold Beer Be Frozen? My 365 Random Thoughts to Improve Your Life Not One Iota, and The Bachelor Cookbook: Edible Meals with a Side of Sarcasm & Another Round of Ice Cold Beer: My 365 More Random Thoughts to Improve Your Life Not One Iota. He’s written and voiced radio commercials, authored both comedic and non-comedic freelance articles, scripts, press releases, website, media and technical content, done occasional radio color commentary for local sports, and acted in a couple of movies and plays. His website is chrisjgay.com, and his humor blog can be found at chrisgay.wordpress.com.

http://www.chrisjgay.com

Author Page (on Facebook)

Chris Gay Author/Writer/ Humorist (on Facebook)

Ghost of a Chance (on Facebook)

Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal (on Facebook)

The Bachelor Cookbook: Edible Meals with a Side of Sarcasm (on Facebook)

And That’s the Way it Was…Give or Take: A Daily Dose of My Radio Writings (on Facebook)

Shouldn’t Ice Cold Beer Be Frozen? My 365 Random Thoughts to Improve Your Life Not One Iota (on Facebook)

Another Round of Ice Cold Beer: My 365 More Random Thoughts to Improve Your Life Not One Iota (on Facebook)

https://chrisgay.wordpress.com

Movies:

2012: Hope Springs (Barfly)

2009: Testimonies of a Quiet New England Town (Constable John Gilbert)

Ads, Ads, Everywhere!

There once was a simpler time; a time well before mine, in which advertisements were nostalgic and classy. Well, they weren’t nostalgic during their original run, of course; but to us now. Let’s not quibble, though. Ah…at long last, I’ve finally gotten to use quibble in a sentence. But I digress. I digress a lot.

Ads have been with us seemingly forever; actually. And they have served useful purposes. They’ve been the lifeblood of the commercial TV, radio and newspaper mediums since their beginnings.

And frankly without their influence they, along with many other business entities, would’ve (and it is would’ve; there’s no such thing as would of, could of or should of. The ‘ve part is short for have. But as I’ve mentioned I digress a lot) failed before they even got started.

But now, frankly, they are out of control.

Generations before us had the extraordinarily clever Burma Shave ads, dish nights at movie theaters, a jolly, obese Santa Claus downing an icy Coca Cola, and dancing hot dogs at drive-ins. (look them up, Millennials) Today, they’re just annoying interruptions- and they’re everywhere, pitching everything. There is simply no escaping them.

Every time I pump gas, drive or even relieve myself at a concert or sporting event, I’m held hostage by ads for junk I don’t care about. Unless I’m in my personal abode, everywhere I go; everywhere I look, there they are.

Ever try to read a story on your smartphone or computer- and just give up due to the blizzard of pop-ups you’re showered with throughout its wholly unnecessary slide-show format? I’d bet you have.

It doesn’t stop there. Listening to the Yankees game and want to know the score? Sure thing. They’ll bring it to you directly from the Lowe’s Broadcast Booth.

The Buffalo Bills sideline injury reports are sponsored by a law firm. Hopefully the day never comes when we hear: “Looks like Smith snapped his spine and had both legs severed on the play. This report brought to you by the law offices of Dewey, Cheatem and Howe.* Back to you, John”.

During election season, lawn signs sprout up like crabgrass. Honestly, in the history of politics, has anyone ever opted to change his or her vote based on viewing a lawn sign? I’d place the Over/Under on that at, roughly, zero.

These days, it seems political lawn signs are far more likely to invite vandalism by supporters of the opposing party than to spark any change-of-heart introspection.

I love sports, but there are no words to describe how little I care about any given product just because it’s endorsed by any athlete. Okay, sure; I do have a George Foreman grill. And while Mr. Foreman is certainly charismatic and fun to watch, I got it only because it’s a darn good grill.

I could go on and on, (I didn’t even get to the blatant product placements in movies and television shows) but I think the length of my rant is now sufficient. So I’ll move along to another topic.

Oh, and if you liked my anti-ad post, be sure to buy my six books, available at my website and online retailers everywhere.

This post has been sponsored by chrisjgay.com. Chris Gay- a great writer, a great author, a great voice-over artist, a great actor…in fact, just a great guy all-around.

*Three Stooges reference

God. The Devil. The Bet. The Fate of Mankind in the Balance. Check out Chris Gay’s new theological, paranormal crime thriller, Ghost of a Chance.

What if a late 20th Century Jack the Ripper tearing apart a small Connecticut town was the result of a pancake shop bet between God and the devil? Imagine if Satan’s impact on the world in the new millennium hinged entirely on one police officer’s skill in hunting down a ruthless killer…hiding in plain sight. Detective Danny Seabrook is an unwitting pawn in a divine chess match with immeasurable consequences for all mankind. Set primarily in 1995, this action-packed suspense thriller features clever dialogue, humor and romance-with an ending you will never forget.

*     *     *     *

‘Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal’ by Chris Gay

As the end draws near for long-retired Sherlock Holmes in Sussex Downs, he calls one last time for the company of his best friend and colleague, Dr. John Watson. What was meant to be four last days of camaraderie and reminiscing instead leads to the most shocking, explosive revelation both of the great detective’s career, and his life.

Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal is a Holmes tale like none other ever conceived. Fans of Baker Street’s legendary detective will be left with the insatiable need to contemplate its extraordinary conclusion forevermore.

*     *     *     *

Chris Gay is an author, freelance writer, voice-over artist, broadcaster and actor. For 7 years he wrote and broadcast a daily, minute radio humor spot in Hartford, Connecticut. He’s been published nationally in Writer’s Digest and has written the paranormal, theological thriller novel Ghost of a Chance, Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal, (an original, extraordinary short story on the great detective with a spectacular twist) and four humor books: And That’s the Way It Was…Give or Take: A Daily Dose of My Radio Writings, Shouldn’t Ice Cold Beer Be Frozen? My 365 Random Thoughts to Improve Your Life Not One Iota, and The Bachelor Cookbook: Edible Meals with a Side of Sarcasm & Another Round of Ice Cold Beer: My 365 More Random Thoughts to Improve Your Life Not One Iota. He’s written and voiced radio commercials, authored both comedic and non-comedic freelance articles, scripts, press releases, website, media and technical content, done occasional radio color commentary for local sports, and acted in a couple of movies and plays. His website is chrisjgay.com, and his humor blog can be found at chrisgay.wordpress.com.

http://www.chrisjgay.com

Author Page (on Facebook)

Chris Gay Author/Writer/ Humorist (on Facebook)

Ghost of a Chance (on Facebook)

Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal (on Facebook)

The Bachelor Cookbook: Edible Meals with a Side of Sarcasm (on Facebook)

And That’s the Way it Was…Give or Take: A Daily Dose of My Radio Writings (on Facebook)

Shouldn’t Ice Cold Beer Be Frozen? My 365 Random Thoughts to Improve Your Life Not One Iota (on Facebook)

Another Round of Ice Cold Beer: My 365 More Random Thoughts to Improve Your Life Not One Iota (on Facebook)

https://chrisgay.wordpress.com

Movies:

2012: Hope Springs (Barfly)

2009: Testimonies of a Quiet New England Town (Constable John Gilbert)

The Epic Saga of Brad’s Wife

Once in a while, we as Americans put aside our petty differences and band together to right an obvious wrong. We become One in the name of justice. Now is just such an occasion.

I, like many of you, love Cracker Barrel. The 60 lbs of food for $10; the attached Old Country Store bursting with Americana. But this time they’ve crossed the line, and no excuses will be tolerated.

To fire Brad’s wife, on his birthday, no less! is a travesty unlike any the world will ever see. This small-town Indiana woman was ruthlessly pink-slipped from a job she’d proudly held for 11 years.

And for what? Well, the truth is no one knows.

But that’s what we do in this country- jump to conclusions before all (or in this case, any,) facts are in about pretty much everything. Hey, it’s just how we roll.

And so, with just a mere half-dozen words on a Facebook page, Brad has ignited a social media firestorm. And We The People demand an answer that we are in no way entitled to!

This time, there’ll be no buying us off with those free corn bread squares and tasty biscuits. Well, maybe the biscuits. But I digress.

This is a matter that must be gotten to the bottom of. Because, as Jack Nicholson so eloquently said in A Few Good Men, in the (semi) fast food industry, “we use words like ‘honor’, ‘code’, ‘loyalty’…”

There’s no honor or loyalty in callously showing a dedicated long-time employee the door. Unless it was legitimately deserved; in which case forget the whole thing and click on some other blog post of mine.

We, America, insist that you provide us with this woman’s confidential information. In fact, throw in her medical records, too.

This isn’t some trite, boring issue like Obama’s still-sealed college transcripts or Trump’s unreleased tax returns.

No, this question must be answered to the Internet’s complete satisfaction Cracker Barrel; else we may just get all Edward Snowden on your backside.

God. The Devil. The Bet. The Fate of Mankind in the Balance. Check out Chris Gay’s new theological, paranormal crime thriller, Ghost of a Chance.

What if a late 20th Century Jack the Ripper tearing apart a small Connecticut town was the result of a pancake shop bet between God and the devil? Imagine if Satan’s impact on the world in the new millennium hinged entirely on one police officer’s skill in hunting down a ruthless killer…hiding in plain sight. Detective Danny Seabrook is an unwitting pawn in a divine chess match with immeasurable consequences for all mankind. Set primarily in 1995, this action-packed suspense thriller features clever dialogue, humor and romance-with an ending you will never forget.

*     *     *     *

‘Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal’ by Chris Gay

As the end draws near for long-retired Sherlock Holmes in Sussex Downs, he calls one last time for the company of his best friend and colleague, Dr. John Watson. What was meant to be four last days of camaraderie and reminiscing instead leads to the most shocking, explosive revelation both of the great detective’s career, and his life.

Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal is a Holmes tale like none other ever conceived. Fans of Baker Street’s legendary detective will be left with the insatiable need to contemplate its extraordinary conclusion forevermore.

*     *     *     *

Chris Gay is an author, freelance writer, voice-over artist, broadcaster and actor. For 7 years he wrote and broadcast a daily, minute radio humor spot in Hartford, Connecticut. He’s been published nationally in Writer’s Digest and has written the paranormal, theological thriller novel Ghost of a Chance, Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal, (an original, extraordinary short story on the great detective with a spectacular twist) and four humor books: And That’s the Way It Was…Give or Take: A Daily Dose of My Radio Writings, Shouldn’t Ice Cold Beer Be Frozen? My 365 Random Thoughts to Improve Your Life Not One Iota, and The Bachelor Cookbook: Edible Meals with a Side of Sarcasm & Another Round of Ice Cold Beer: My 365 More Random Thoughts to Improve Your Life Not One Iota. He’s written and voiced radio commercials, authored both comedic and non-comedic freelance articles, scripts, press releases, website, media and technical content, done occasional radio color commentary for local sports, and acted in a couple of movies and plays. His website is chrisjgay.com, and his humor blog can be found at chrisgay.wordpress.com.

http://www.chrisjgay.com

Author Page (on Facebook)

Chris Gay Author/Writer/ Humorist (on Facebook)

Ghost of a Chance (on Facebook)

Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal (on Facebook)

The Bachelor Cookbook: Edible Meals with a Side of Sarcasm (on Facebook)

And That’s the Way it Was…Give or Take: A Daily Dose of My Radio Writings (on Facebook)

Shouldn’t Ice Cold Beer Be Frozen? My 365 Random Thoughts to Improve Your Life Not One Iota (on Facebook)

Another Round of Ice Cold Beer: My 365 More Random Thoughts to Improve Your Life Not One Iota (on Facebook)

https://chrisgay.wordpress.com

Movies:

2012:

Hope Springs (Barfly)

2009:

Testimonies of a Quiet New England Town (Constable John Gilbert)

Chris’s Wholly Unorthodox, Yet Great, Technically Christmas Movies

Chris’s 5 Wholly Unorthodox, Yet Great, Technically Christmas Movies:

5) Lethal Weapon (1987) Danny Glover & Mel Gibson (both playing much older than they were) come together in what may well be Hollywood’s best ‘buddy cop’ movie ever.

4) The Ice Harvest (2006) John Cusack & Billy Bob Thornton opt to betray an oddly cast mob kingpin, (Randy Quaid) & later themselves, in likely the first major film set in Kansas since ‘The Wizard of Oz’.

3) In Bruges (2008) Colin Farrell, Ralph Fiennes & Brendan Gleeson film one of those fantastically quirky British crime movies; this time set in scenic Belgium.

2) Die Hard (1988) Bruce Willis left one of the coolest TV shows of all time (Moonlighting,1985-89) to embark on an action movie career in a part that numerous A-list stars passed on. Based on Roderick Thorp’s fantastic 1979 novel ‘Nothing Lasts Forever’.

1) Joyeux Noel (2005) The extraordinary, beautiful & heartbreaking re-telling of the real life World War I Christmas Truce in 1914. British, French & Scottish troops, & their German enemies, in the trenches of No-Man’s Land, stopped killing each other on Christmas Day to fraternize, exchange gifts, play soccer, & bury their dead. This movie will make you smile & cry. It’ll also repulse & sicken you at how much more sense these young commanders had over their ‘superiors’, whose idiocy & arrogance cost millions of innocent lives over 4 years during a war fought over nothing.

God. The Devil. The Bet. The Fate of Mankind in the Balance. Check out Chris Gay’s new theological, paranormal crime thriller, Ghost of a Chance.

What if a late 20th Century Jack the Ripper tearing apart a small Connecticut town was the result of a pancake shop bet between God and the devil? Imagine if Satan’s impact on the world in the new millennium hinged entirely on one police officer’s skill in hunting down a ruthless killer…hiding in plain sight. Detective Danny Seabrook is an unwitting pawn in a divine chess match with immeasurable consequences for all mankind. Set primarily in 1995, this action-packed suspense thriller features clever dialogue, humor and romance-with an ending you will never forget.

*     *     *     *

‘Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal’ by Chris Gay

As the end draws near for long-retired Sherlock Holmes in Sussex Downs, he calls one last time for the company of his best friend and colleague, Dr. John Watson. What was meant to be four last days of camaraderie and reminiscing instead leads to the most shocking, explosive revelation both of the great detective’s career, and his life.

Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal is a Holmes tale like none other ever conceived. Fans of Baker Street’s legendary detective will be left with the insatiable need to contemplate its extraordinary conclusion forevermore.

*     *     *     *

‘The Bachelor Cookbook: Edible Meals with a Side of Sarcasm’ by Chris Gay

The Bachelor Cookbook is the perfect (and likely only) addition to any guy’s collection of sarcastic culinary literature. If you’re between relationships and looking to make the most of whatever foodstuffs you’ve got until you meet that next special woman, then your prayers have been answered. Unless you’re an atheist; in which case coming across this book just means your luck was in today. For men looking for sustenance over style, I give you this spectacular cookbook. Well, I don’t “give it” to you, per se. You have to pay for it.

Featuring such taste-bud tempting recipes as:

Popcorn Salad

Meat on a Bed of Rice

Cheese and Crackers

Spaghetti Sandwich

Plus Miscellaneous Cookbook Humor, too!

*     *     *     *

Chris Gay is an author, freelance writer, voice-over artist, broadcaster and actor. For 7 years he wrote and broadcast a daily, minute radio humor spot in Hartford, Connecticut. He’s been published nationally in Writer’s Digest and has written the paranormal, theological thriller novel Ghost of a Chance, Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal, (an original, extraordinary short story on the great detective with a spectacular twist) and four humor books: And That’s the Way It Was…Give or Take: A Daily Dose of My Radio Writings, Shouldn’t Ice Cold Beer Be Frozen? My 365 Random Thoughts to Improve Your Life Not One Iota, and The Bachelor Cookbook: Edible Meals with a Side of Sarcasm & Another Round of Ice Cold Beer: My 365 More Random Thoughts to Improve Your Life Not One Iota. He’s written and voiced radio commercials, authored both comedic and non-comedic freelance articles, scripts, press releases, website, media and technical content, done occasional radio color commentary for local sports, and acted in a couple of movies and plays. His website is chrisjgay.com, and his humor blog can be found at chrisgay.wordpress.com.

http://www.chrisjgay.com

Author Page on Facebook

Chris Gay Author/Writer/ Humorist on Facebook

Ghost of a Chance on Facebook

Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal on Facebook

https://chrisgay.wordpress.com

Twitter: @chrisgay13

Movies:

2012:

Hope Springs (Barfly)

2009:

Testimonies of a Quiet New England Town (Constable John Gilbert)

Valentine’s Day: A Humorous Exposition

And here we are again. With barely enough time for the nation to have collectively recovered from its annual raucous Groundhog Day celebrations, along comes the granddaddy of all Hallmark Holidays: Valentine’s Day.

The Power of Frivolity

Somewhere, somebody’s great-grandchildren are probably still living off the residuals earned by whoever it was that first came up with the idea to create a dumb holiday around an obscure Saint. A holiday that somehow has the power to prop up the greeting card, chocolate, flower, restaurant and bed & breakfast industries annually for an entire fiscal quarter. To be honest that’s pretty impressive.

Too Much, Too Soon

Is it really fair that guys have to trek right back out and search for another “perfect gift” seven lousy weeks after Christmas? Not to mention (but I will) that those men who aren’t botanists, (all of us, for example) must once again try to decipher the overly complex Carnation Color Code Chart. Or figure out the difference between long and short stem roses while debating the necessity of ferns, ribbons- and whatever the hell baby’s breath is?

Once that stuff is corralled to the best of our abilities, we must then decide on where to make reservations. And as any man who’s ever lived will tell you, whatever restaurant he picks likely won’t be the right one; unless it’s called ‘I Don’t Know,’ ‘I Don’t Care’, or ‘Anywhere Is Fine With Me’. Which brings me to the next point…

A One-Sided Affair

Although there are always exceptions to any rule, this “holiday” clearly exists for the benefit of one gender which shall women nameless. Sorry, I meant remain nameless. Men really don’t care as far as they themselves are concerned, and are just happy if they can get past it with their spouses sufficiently contented. (Though if she leaves that Whitman’s Sampler around, there’s a good chance she’ll later discover that a couple of chocolates went AWOL.) If given a vote to mothball V-Day, polling places nationwide would resemble rugby matches, with guys rushing for the chance to pull that Aye lever. And why?

Because Good Men…

Because good men who love their significant others don’t need an over-hyped day to show that love. They don’t want to give a few corporations the power to try and guilt them into performing like automatons for the benefit of those corporations’ bottom lines. A good man will remember birthdays, anniversaries, et cetera, and treat his lady well throughout the year. And also make certain to take a few other random days annually on which he’ll do something extra special. And if he doesn’t-or if she doesn’t-maybe one, or both, are settling. Ponder that, if you will.

Cupid, Draw Back Your Bow

I’ve really got nothing much to say in this paragraph. It’s just that as I’m writing this, that catchy Spinners 70’s tune about the cherubic matchmaker popped into my head. And it’s only fair that I now try to stick it into yours for the rest of the day. You’re welcome.

Singles

As of this writing, I too will be among the millions of you this year who’ll be single on Valentine’s Day. And yes, I realize that on February 14th it’ll feel like the music’s stopped and we’re left without chairs. (Though how we could be missing millions of chairs I’ll never know. Maybe they’re hanging out with all of those dryer socks.) Anyway, don’t fret.

Someday, perhaps as soon as next year, you’ll be able to join in the fun and expense of this annual bacchanalia of February romance again. So for now, just bask in the happiness that can only be truly known through binge-eating Chinese food- and having a free reign over your TV.

And if that’s not enough, just remember that the return of McDonald’s Shamrock Shakes is just around the corner!

God. The Devil. The Bet. The Fate of Mankind in the Balance. Check out Chris Gay’s new theological, paranormal crime thriller, Ghost of a Chance.

What if a late 20th Century Jack the Ripper tearing apart a small Connecticut town was the result of a pancake shop bet between God and the devil? Imagine if Satan’s impact on the world in the new millennium hinged entirely on one police officer’s skill in hunting down a ruthless killer…hiding in plain sight. Detective Danny Seabrook is an unwitting pawn in a divine chess match with immeasurable consequences for all mankind. Set primarily in 1995, this action-packed suspense thriller features clever dialogue, humor and romance-with an ending you will never forget.

*     *     *     *

‘Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal’ by Chris Gay

As the end draws near for long-retired Sherlock Holmes in Sussex Downs, he calls one last time for the company of his best friend and colleague, Dr. John Watson. What was meant to be four last days of camaraderie and reminiscing instead leads to the most shocking, explosive revelation both of the great detective’s career, and his life.

Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal is a Holmes tale like none other ever conceived. Fans of Baker Street’s legendary detective will be left with the insatiable need to contemplate its extraordinary conclusion forevermore.

*     *     *     *

Chris Gay is an author, freelance writer, voice-over artist, broadcaster and actor. For 7 years he wrote and broadcast a daily, minute radio humor spot in Hartford, Connecticut. He’s been published nationally in Writer’s Digest and has written the paranormal, theological thriller novel Ghost of a Chance, Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal, (an original, extraordinary short story on the great detective with a spectacular twist) and four humor books: And That’s the Way It Was…Give or Take: A Daily Dose of My Radio Writings, Shouldn’t Ice Cold Beer Be Frozen? My 365 Random Thoughts to Improve Your Life Not One Iota, and The Bachelor Cookbook: Edible Meals with a Side of Sarcasm & Another Round of Ice Cold Beer: My 365 More Random Thoughts to Improve Your Life Not One Iota. He’s written and voiced radio commercials, authored both comedic and non-comedic freelance articles, scripts, press releases, website, media and technical content, done occasional radio color commentary for local sports, and acted in a couple of movies and plays. His website is chrisjgay.com, and his humor blog can be found at chrisgay.wordpress.com.

http://www.chrisjgay.com

Author Page (on Facebook)

Chris Gay Author/Writer/ Humorist (on Facebook)

Ghost of a Chance (on Facebook)

Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal (on Facebook)

The Bachelor Cookbook: Edible Meals with a Side of Sarcasm (on Facebook)

And That’s the Way it Was…Give or Take: A Daily Dose of My Radio Writings (on Facebook)

Shouldn’t Ice Cold Beer Be Frozen? My 365 Random Thoughts to Improve Your Life Not One Iota (on Facebook)

Another Round of Ice Cold Beer: My 365 More Random Thoughts to Improve Your Life Not One Iota (on Facebook)

https://chrisgay.wordpress.com

Movies:

2012:

Hope Springs (Barfly)

2009:

Testimonies of a Quiet New England Town (Constable John Gilbert)

Folklore Musings: The Loch Ness Monster & Bermuda Triangle

The Loch Ness Monster

Embedded within the Highlands of Scotland lies Loch Ness, an abyssal freshwater lake that has gained widespread notoriety due to its most reclusive inhabitant, Nessie. The “Loch Ness Monster.”

Perhaps the most integral question raised in the previous paragraph is, were it not for that damned salty lake in Utah, would writers get to bypass the silly requirement of specifying “freshwater” when referencing lakes in articles?

I suppose if there’s one salt lake, there must be another. But if there isn’t, that dumb condiment bog is creating a lot of extra work. But I digress.

Now, as this is a blog post and not a novel we’ll skip ahead hundreds of years and begin this speculation in the 20th Century.

Eye Witness Accounts

Some accounts dating back to the 1930’s had various people supposedly encountering an amphibious creature both in and out of the loch’s water.

These versions vary from the improbable-sounding to the ludicrously outlandish. Sure, perhaps the latter was somewhat hyperbolic. But it sounds good and I’ve never had the opportunity to use ludicrously outlandish in a sentence before.

At any rate as the saying goes, pictures, or it didn’t happen. Speaking of which, what a perfect segue.

Fake Photographs

An assortment of photos spanning decades have purported to depict Nessie. However, through various means many of these pictures were ultimately revealed to be fake.

But the truth is that every photograph was an authentic photo; it was merely the depicted content of some that turned out to be shams. And while in context that is an unnecessary and meaningless distinction, explaining the difference was exceedingly crucial in swelling the word count of this article.

The Loch Ness Monster Itself

If Nessie does exist, he’s/she’s kind of lame for a so-called “monster.” While you can reasonably expect monsters to maintain some semblance of seclusion, sooner or later the job description obliges them to come out and scare folks. Not play hide-and-seek over the course of a millennium.

Yet this one never does. Not even to the requisite group of annoying campers who goof-off during the day, and then pair up at night to fornicate in abandoned cabins. Per the countless reels of celluloid devoted to this, you’d almost think that’s a requirement.

It’s no wonder there are so few horror flicks made featuring this bloke. For God’s sake, at one point somebody even swam the entire lake at once without so much as a glimpse of a nefarious fin. Or tail. Or anything. That’s just plain laziness, Nessie.

Nessie’s Greatest Impact

Nevertheless, while the ol’ leviathan rarely puts in a public appearance, it doesn’t mean his impact isn’t still felt across the globe.

Nessie and his theorized likeness have been godsends for both the local tourism industry, and companies producing tee shirts and bric-a-brac. Whether he exists is irrelevant, because the dough he rakes in certainly does.

In fact, while he may appear to some as a seal, fish or Plesiosaur, in reality what he resembles most is a Cash Cow.

And don’t forget his American cousin Champ in Vermont’s Lake Champlain, who’s been evading cameras while filling coffers himself for decades.

So to all of you budding knick-knack entrepreneurs, remember: you don’t really need an actual dinosaur to prosper with a roadside stand. Just a lake and a legend.

The Bermuda Triangle

The Bermuda Triangle has long been a subject of great interest for many. Is it real? Does it exist? Well, sure. Miami, San Juan and Bermuda are three relatively equidistant points which together form a triangle. That’s no mystery, it’s just simple geometry.

Unfortunately, that’s the easy part.

For decades believers in Triangle lore have considered it to be some kind of Roach Motel, where transport vehicles check in, but they don’t check out.

However the reality is that if the amount of traffic it receives is taken into consideration, there’s not much difference between the Bermuda Triangle and the less famous Acapulco Misplaced Sock Trapezoid; an area of Acapulco Bay in which, legend has it, millions of missing socks lost in dryers the world over are hiding out.

While there’s never been any real proof of anything abnormal or supernatural regarding the Triangle, there is one interesting hypothesis that’s tough to laugh off, and it’s put forth by those who think  the fabled lost continent of Atlantis lies somewhere beneath the Triangle’s enigmatic waves.

If that’s true, then perhaps there are beautiful mermaids and cold beverages down there, too. In that instance I’m not too sure I’d want to go home, either.

The truth is that tales like this can be very beneficial. For instance they created shows like In Search Of…; thereby giving Leonard Nimoy something to appear in between television Star Trek, and motion pictures Star Trek, that didn’t require a bowl cut and applied prosthetics.

Besides, what would the world be without a little cool speculative fun to ponder every now and again?

*     *     *     *

God. The Devil. The Bet. The Fate of Mankind in the Balance. Check out Chris Gay’s new theological, paranormal crime thriller, Ghost of a Chance.

What if a late 20th Century Jack the Ripper tearing apart a small Connecticut town was the result of a pancake shop bet between God and the devil? Imagine if Satan’s impact on the world in the new millennium hinged entirely on one police officer’s skill in hunting down a ruthless killer…hiding in plain sight. Detective Danny Seabrook is an unwitting pawn in a divine chess match with immeasurable consequences for all mankind. Set primarily in 1995, this action-packed suspense thriller features clever dialogue, humor and romance-with an ending you will never forget.

*     *     *     *

‘Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal’ by Chris Gay

As the end draws near for long-retired Sherlock Holmes in Sussex Downs, he calls one last time for the company of his best friend and colleague, Dr. John Watson. What was meant to be four last days of camaraderie and reminiscing instead leads to the most shocking, explosive revelation both of the great detective’s career, and his life.

Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal is a Holmes tale like none other ever conceived. Fans of Baker Street’s legendary detective will be left with the insatiable need to contemplate its extraordinary conclusion forevermore.

*     *     *     *

‘The Bachelor Cookbook: Edible Meals with a Side of Sarcasm’ by Chris Gay

The Bachelor Cookbook is the perfect (and likely only) addition to any guy’s collection of sarcastic culinary literature. If you’re between relationships and looking to make the most of whatever foodstuffs you’ve got until you meet that next special woman, then your prayers have been answered. Unless you’re an atheist; in which case coming across this book just means your luck was in today. For men looking for sustenance over style, I give you this spectacular cookbook. Well, I don’t “give it” to you, per se. You have to pay for it.

Featuring such taste-bud tempting recipes as:

Popcorn Salad

Meat on a Bed of Rice

Cheese and Crackers

Spaghetti Sandwich

Plus Miscellaneous Cookbook Humor, too!

Click the book poster below to visit my website’s online bookstore:

Chris Gay is an author, freelance writer, voice-over artist, broadcaster and actor. He writes and broadcasts a daily, minute radio humor spot in Hartford, Connecticut. He’s also written the paranormal, theological thriller novel Ghost of a Chance, the novella Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal, (an original, extraordinary short story on the great detective) Santa Claus: Kris Kringle From Man to Myth, a unique, realistic take of a classic tale, and several humor books:Something Witty this Way Comes, And That’s the Way It Was…Give or Take: A Daily Dose of My Radio Writings, Shouldn’t Ice Cold Beer Be Frozen? My 365 Random Thoughts to Improve Your Life Not One Iota, The Bachelor Cookbook: Edible Meals with a Side of Sarcasm and Another Round of Ice Cold Beer: My 365 More Random Thoughts to Improve Your Life Not One Iota. He’s been published nationally in Writer’s Digest and is currently writing the Ghost of a Chance sequel Perdition’s Wrath. Chris has written and voiced radio commercials, authored comedic, non-comedic and sports freelance articles, scripts, press releases, website, media and technical content, done occasional radio color commentary for local sports, and acted in a couple of movies and plays. His website is chrisjgay.com.

Facebook

Twitter: @chrisgay13

Movies:

2012: Hope Springs (Barfly)

2009: Testimonies of a Quiet New England Town (Constable John Gilbert)

The Big Business of Ghost Busting

 

There’s a huge uptick in interest regarding both ghost hunting and ghost haunting these days. In fact, according to the entirely fabricated Bureau of Fictitious Statistics, nearly one in every two television shows are devoted, or in some way connected, to the post-life life.

The difficulty for the public, of course, is determining which shows’ casts, “psychic mediums” and “haunted business” owners are legitimate, (or at least believe themselves to be) and which are as sincere as a politician’s outrage.

Things that Go ‘Cha-Ching!’ In the Night

It’s hard for a layman, or anyone, really, to distinguish which perceived phenomenon is real, which is unknown or misunderstood science, and which is simply an overactive imagination.

However, it’s not hard to imagine some business owners being unaware of the untapped potential publicity and profits that might come their way, should the rumor of a haunting in the edifice housing their various saloons and eateries spread.

But to give them the benefit of the doubt, is it really necessary for these owners-who are mere proprietors untrained in matters of the occult-to speculate on odd occurrences?

I mean, how are they really to discern if a glass of beer spills due to gravity or faulty craftsmanship, or if an 1880’s temperance advocate was blowing off a little steam in the 21st Century?

Instead it’s much better for them to call the producers of a highly-rated cable show and ask if they wouldn’t mind investigating; to make sure. You know, not for a piece of the action; just peace of mind.

One Psychic Medium, Hold the Theatrics

As far as Great Unknowns go, the Afterlife is the reigning king. It’s the largest question mark of our existence.

And while everyone has different interests, it’s probably safe to assume that if given the chance at an honest reply, the one query we’d all ask the world over is: What happens next? (Although we’d skip the italics)

Well, thank G- okay; thank whomever you may believe in (if applicable) that there are people who can answer that question.

You’ve heard of psychic mediums. And surely you’ve seen many of them on TV helping others out of the goodness of their hearts. Any ancillary promotional benefits or book sales they may receive are grudgingly tolerated merely as part of the cost of assisting mankind.

Unfortunately, that’s not how some skeptics see it. And the jealousy born of that skepticism rears its ugly head in the form of these non-believers spreading sordid tales of unbridled chicanery.

They introduce deceptive terms like “Cold Readings” and speak of “mic’d up audience seats,” as if the Gifted Ones would ever resort to such disreputable tactics.

However, to be fair, I will say that some of their results are beyond me. Who would’ve thought that so many spirits would fight their way back from the Great Beyond to enlist the aid of a psychic standing two feet from a loved one; and then choose that specific moment to start playing word games with them?

You see I can’t help but wonder why on these shows, whenever “Uncle Joe” makes a cameo from the Hereafter, he just doesn’t simply say “Hi. Tell Mary it’s me, her Uncle Joe. Thanks for your help.”

Instead the medium usually seems to state things to his or her client like:

“Have you ever had a male family member who has passed on? Yes? Okay, well I’m sensing he’s here now, and that his name starts with either a consonant or a vowel. I’m also sensing he may be your brother, father, husband uncle, cousin, second cousin or third cousin twice-removed. Wait, now he’s saying that in life he enjoyed making love to women and quaffing occasional beers. Does this sound like any man you might know, Mary?”

I also wonder why, to my knowledge, not a single one of them has ever asked while on camera of a visiting spirit: “Hey, wait! Before you go, Joe-like, is there a God?” It just seems like such an opportune time to ask such an obvious question.

But what do I know?

My Experiences

I myself have lived in a couple places where the unexplained has occurred. In fact one time many years ago my mom called in a pair of very well-known names in the field of parapsychology to check out our house. Which they, and later their assistants, did.

Now I hadn’t seen anything there first-hand, but I did see a thing or two after the fact that had piqued my interest in their findings. They themselves visited only once, but on that day the performance of medium-half of this team as we all walked the cellar together was a sight to behold.

Before they came I was unsure if we’d had any ghosts, or if they even existed at all. But by the time they’d finished they almost had me convinced that not only were there ghosts there, but enough to consider asking them for rent.

See, that’s the thing. On the one hand we want answers, but on the other we know many charlatans are out there looking to make a buck off our curiosities and bereavements.

Too be honest I’m of the opinion that there are indeed a few authentic psychics here and there looking to do good for people; but I also think they’re overshadowed by many who aren’t.

And I don’t mean the $5 county-fair palm readers, I speak of those who happily profit from inconsolable people by claiming a “gift” they know full well that they don’t have. They’re unconscionable, those morals-bereft swindlers.

The TV People

Those famous guys and gals all over cable TV who run from city to city with Radio Shack’s latest hardware in tow are a different story, however. You know going in that it’s merely entertainment, and as such sometimes you’re happy and willing to suspend disbelief in exchange for a few laughs and a night on the couch with a bowl of popcorn.

Also, it can be funny to see how far they’ll go to try and turn a century-old creaking floorboard into Satan himself.

Just once though I’d like to see them do a live show during which Casper or Sam Wheat actually shows up at 3a.m. to be interviewed. But I digress.

In Conclusion

Over the past several years I’ve seen a couple of things in my home that have given me pause, along with a few Kodak moments that have produced goosebumps rather than memories. But it’s difficult not to try and think of rational, scientific explanations for things. Even when there doesn’t seem to be any.

There are millions who’ve claimed to see ghosts or ghostly phenomenon but, even with all of this new technology it’s still been difficult to produce anything concrete. And that’s without even addressing how many ordinary people can now produce full length-movies, including effects, on their smartphones and laptops.

One thing is certain, though. As long as this Great Unknown remains just that, there will be folks trying to convince us something beyond exists. And for the most part, who cares? That’s cool.

Their shows are often entertaining, and we can always console ourselves in the knowledge that sooner or later we’re all going to find out the answer, anyway.

*     *     *     *

God. The Devil. The Bet. The Fate of Mankind in the Balance. Check out Chris Gay’s new theological, paranormal crime thriller, Ghost of a Chance.

What if a late 20th Century Jack the Ripper tearing apart a small Connecticut town was the result of a pancake shop bet between God and the devil? Imagine if Satan’s impact on the world in the new millennium hinged entirely on one police officer’s skill in hunting down a ruthless killer…hiding in plain sight. Detective Danny Seabrook is an unwitting pawn in a divine chess match with immeasurable consequences for all mankind. Set primarily in 1995, this action-packed suspense thriller features clever dialogue, humor and romance-with an ending you will never forget.

*     *     *     *

‘Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal’ by Chris Gay

As the end draws near for long-retired Sherlock Holmes in Sussex Downs, he calls one last time for the company of his best friend and colleague, Dr. John Watson. What was meant to be four last days of camaraderie and reminiscing instead leads to the most shocking, explosive revelation both of the great detective’s career, and his life.

Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal is a Holmes tale like none other ever conceived. Fans of Baker Street’s legendary detective will be left with the insatiable need to contemplate its extraordinary conclusion forevermore.

*     *     *     *

‘The Bachelor Cookbook: Edible Meals with a Side of Sarcasm’ by Chris Gay

The Bachelor Cookbook is the perfect (and likely only) addition to any guy’s collection of sarcastic culinary literature. If you’re between relationships and looking to make the most of whatever foodstuffs you’ve got until you meet that next special woman, then your prayers have been answered. Unless you’re an atheist; in which case coming across this book just means your luck was in today. For men looking for sustenance over style, I give you this spectacular cookbook. Well, I don’t “give it” to you, per se. You have to pay for it.

Featuring such taste-bud tempting recipes as:

Popcorn Salad

Meat on a Bed of Rice

Cheese and Crackers

Spaghetti Sandwich

Plus Miscellaneous Cookbook Humor, too!

Click the book poster below to visit my website’s online bookstore:

Chris Gay is an author, freelance writer, voice-over artist, broadcaster and actor. He writes and broadcasts a daily, minute radio humor spot in Hartford, Connecticut. He’s also written the paranormal, theological thriller novel Ghost of a Chance, the novella Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal, (an original, extraordinary short story on the great detective) Santa Claus: Kris Kringle From Man to Myth, a unique, realistic take of a classic tale, and several humor books:Something Witty this Way Comes, And That’s the Way It Was…Give or Take: A Daily Dose of My Radio Writings, Shouldn’t Ice Cold Beer Be Frozen? My 365 Random Thoughts to Improve Your Life Not One Iota, The Bachelor Cookbook: Edible Meals with a Side of Sarcasm and Another Round of Ice Cold Beer: My 365 More Random Thoughts to Improve Your Life Not One Iota. He’s been published nationally in Writer’s Digest and is currently writing the Ghost of a Chance sequel Perdition’s Wrath. Chris has written and voiced radio commercials, authored comedic, non-comedic and sports freelance articles, scripts, press releases, website, media and technical content, done occasional radio color commentary for local sports, and acted in a couple of movies and plays. His website is chrisjgay.com.

Facebook

Twitter: @chrisgay13

Movies:

2012: Hope Springs (Barfly)

2009: Testimonies of a Quiet New England Town (Constable John Gilbert)

Chris Explains the Actual Meaning of 11 Common Signs & Statements

Every day we pass by numerous retail stores signs without really thinking much about them. But it seems that some of them have a greater meaning behind what they actually state. For your convenience, provided here are a few of the real meanings of those common announcements.
1) Sign: “So that our employees may enjoy the holiday with their families, we will be closed on Christmas”

2) Meaning: We have no intention of doling out Holiday Pay on a day when no customers will show. However please check the list of remaining holidays, including Black Friday, on which you may find our seemingly benevolent policy somewhat more, uh, flexible.

3) Sign: “No Soliciting”
Meaning: Don’t stand in front of our establishment with flyers attempting to grow your business. Oh by the way, please watch this week for the flyers and junk mail promoting our company that you didn’t ask for but we sent you anyway.

4) Sign: “All Sale Items in This Rack From 80% Off”
Meaning: We placed one item on this rack at 80% off so we could justify this sign. You’ll find everything left to be discounted at around 20%.

5) Sign: “Buy 1 Get 1 Free!
Meaning: That the cost of the item is now twice as much this week only is merely coincidental. Nothing to see here, please move along.

6) Sign: “Get them now while supplies last!”
Meaning: Well, duh.

7) Sign: “Price and Participation May Vary”
Meaning: As long as this deal is available somewhere within our family of franchisees and we tack on this caveat, we can promote it country-wide.

8) Sign: “Tax Included”
Meaning: The sales tax has simply been added to the full amount of what we were going to charge anyway, rounded down one penny as usual so that we may maintain the ‘$.99’ charade, regardless.

9) Statement: “I Approve this Message”
Meaning: What you’ve just heard excludes any relevant information that would end all hope of any rational person’s support for my candidacy. It is comprised of as much embellishment of any positive results which have accidently occurred while acting in my own self-interest I’ve ever accomplished that, not coincidentally, are still able to fit into 30 seconds with time to spare. (After my lawyers reviewed, modified and approved the script)

10) Statement: “Consuming our Product While Pregnant May Result in Birth Defects”
Meaning: The Surgeon General has required us to print one of several warnings on our products. And while all are horrible, after an internal review we’ve determined that at any given time the majority of US women are not pregnant, and 100% of US men are definitely not. So we’ve opted to go with this one.

11) Statement: “The Following Movie has Been Edited for Time”
Meaning: Brace yourselves for a laughably absurd amount of commercials.

God. The Devil. The Bet. The Fate of Mankind in the Balance. Check out Chris Gay’s new theological, paranormal crime thriller, Ghost of a Chance.

What if a late 20th Century Jack the Ripper tearing apart a small Connecticut town was the result of a pancake shop bet between God and the devil? Imagine if Satan’s impact on the world in the new millennium hinged entirely on one police officer’s skill in hunting down a ruthless killer…hiding in plain sight. Detective Danny Seabrook is an unwitting pawn in a divine chess match with immeasurable consequences for all mankind. Set primarily in 1995, this action-packed suspense thriller features clever dialogue, humor and romance-with an ending you will never forget.

*     *     *     *

‘Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal’ by Chris Gay

As the end draws near for long-retired Sherlock Holmes in Sussex Downs, he calls one last time for the company of his best friend and colleague, Dr. John Watson. What was meant to be four last days of camaraderie and reminiscing instead leads to the most shocking, explosive revelation both of the great detective’s career, and his life.

Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal is a Holmes tale like none other ever conceived. Fans of Baker Street’s legendary detective will be left with the insatiable need to contemplate its extraordinary conclusion forevermore.

*     *     *     *

‘The Bachelor Cookbook: Edible Meals with a Side of Sarcasm’ by Chris Gay

The Bachelor Cookbook is the perfect (and likely only) addition to any guy’s collection of sarcastic culinary literature. If you’re between relationships and looking to make the most of whatever foodstuffs you’ve got until you meet that next special woman, then your prayers have been answered. Unless you’re an atheist; in which case coming across this book just means your luck was in today. For men looking for sustenance over style, I give you this spectacular cookbook. Well, I don’t “give it” to you, per se. You have to pay for it.

Featuring such taste-bud tempting recipes as:

Popcorn Salad

Meat on a Bed of Rice

Cheese and Crackers

Spaghetti Sandwich

Plus Miscellaneous Cookbook Humor, too!

*     *     *     *

Chris Gay is an author, freelance writer, voice-over artist, broadcaster and actor. He writes and broadcasts a daily, minute radio humor spot in Hartford, Connecticut. He’s also written the paranormal, theological thriller novel Ghost of a Chance, the novella Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal, (an original, extraordinary short story on the great detective) ‘Santa Claus: Kris Kringle From Man to Myth,’ a unique, realistic take of a classic tale, and several humor books: And That’s the Way It Was…Give or Take: A Daily Dose of My Radio Writings, Shouldn’t Ice Cold Beer Be Frozen? My 365 Random Thoughts to Improve Your Life Not One Iota, The Bachelor Cookbook: Edible Meals with a Side of Sarcasm, Another Round of Ice Cold Beer: My 365 More Random Thoughts to Improve Your Life Not One Iota,  and Something Witty this Way Comes He’s been published nationally in Writer’s Digest and is currently writing the Ghost of a Chance sequel Perdition’s Wrath. Chris has written and voiced radio commercials, authored comedic, non-comedic and sports freelance articles, scripts, press releases, website, media and technical content, done occasional radio color commentary for local sports, and acted in a couple of movies and plays. His website is chrisjgay.com.

Facebook

Twitter: @chrisgay13

Movies:

2012: Hope Springs (Barfly)

2009: Testimonies of a Quiet New England Town (Constable John Gilbert)