Every day we pass by numerous retail stores signs without really thinking much about them. But it seems that some of them have a greater meaning behind what they actually state. For your convenience, provided here are a few of the real meanings of those common announcements.
1) Sign: “So that our employees may enjoy the holiday with their families, we will be closed on Christmas”
2) Meaning: We have no intention of doling out Holiday Pay on a day when no customers will show. However please check the list of remaining holidays, including Black Friday, on which you may find our seemingly benevolent policy somewhat more, uh, flexible.
3) Sign: “No Soliciting”
Meaning: Don’t stand in front of our establishment with flyers attempting to grow your business. Oh by the way, please watch this week for the flyers and junk mail promoting our company that you didn’t ask for but we sent you anyway.
4) Sign: “All Sale Items in This Rack From 80% Off”
Meaning: We placed one item on this rack at 80% off so we could justify this sign. You’ll find everything left to be discounted at around 20%.
5) Sign: “Buy 1 Get 1 Free!
Meaning: That the cost of the item is now twice as much this week only is merely coincidental. Nothing to see here, please move along.
6) Sign: “Get them now while supplies last!”
Meaning: Well, duh.
7) Sign: “Price and Participation May Vary”
Meaning: As long as this deal is available somewhere within our family of franchisees and we tack on this caveat, we can promote it country-wide.
8) Sign: “Tax Included”
Meaning: The sales tax has simply been added to the full amount of what we were going to charge anyway, rounded down one penny as usual so that we may maintain the ‘$.99’ charade, regardless.
9) Statement: “I Approve this Message”
Meaning: What you’ve just heard excludes any relevant information that would end all hope of any rational person’s support for my candidacy. It is comprised of as much embellishment of any positive results which have accidently occurred while acting in my own self-interest I’ve ever accomplished that, not coincidentally, are still able to fit into 30 seconds with time to spare. (After my lawyers reviewed, modified and approved the script)
10) Statement: “Consuming our Product While Pregnant May Result in Birth Defects”
Meaning: The Surgeon General has required us to print one of several warnings on our products. And while all are horrible, after an internal review we’ve determined that at any given time the majority of US women are not pregnant, and 100% of US men are definitely not. So we’ve opted to go with this one.
11) Statement: “The Following Movie has Been Edited for Time”
Meaning: Brace yourselves for a laughably absurd amount of commercials.
What if a late 20th Century Jack the Ripper tearing apart a small Connecticut town was the result of a pancake shop bet between God and the devil? Imagine if Satan’s impact on the world in the new millennium hinged entirely on one police officer’s skill in hunting down a ruthless killer…hiding in plain sight. Detective Danny Seabrook is an unwitting pawn in a divine chess match with immeasurable consequences for all mankind. Set primarily in 1995, this action-packed suspense thriller features clever dialogue, humor and romance-with an ending you will never forget.
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As the end draws near for long-retired Sherlock Holmes in Sussex Downs, he calls one last time for the company of his best friend and colleague, Dr. John Watson. What was meant to be four last days of camaraderie and reminiscing instead leads to the most shocking, explosive revelation both of the great detective’s career, and his life.
Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal is a Holmes tale like none other ever conceived. Fans of Baker Street’s legendary detective will be left with the insatiable need to contemplate its extraordinary conclusion forevermore.
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The Bachelor Cookbook is the perfect (and likely only) addition to any guy’s collection of sarcastic culinary literature. If you’re between relationships and looking to make the most of whatever foodstuffs you’ve got until you meet that next special woman, then your prayers have been answered. Unless you’re an atheist; in which case coming across this book just means your luck was in today. For men looking for sustenance over style, I give you this spectacular cookbook. Well, I don’t “give it” to you, per se. You have to pay for it.
Featuring such taste-bud tempting recipes as:
Meat on a Bed of Rice
Cheese and Crackers
Plus Miscellaneous Cookbook Humor, too!
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Chris Gay is an author, freelance writer, voice-over artist, broadcaster and actor. He writes and broadcasts a daily, minute radio humor spot in Hartford, Connecticut. He’s also written the paranormal, theological thriller novel Ghost of a Chance, the novella Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal, (an original, extraordinary short story on the great detective) ‘Santa Claus: Kris Kringle From Man to Myth,’ a unique, realistic take of a classic tale, and several humor books: And That’s the Way It Was…Give or Take: A Daily Dose of My Radio Writings, Shouldn’t Ice Cold Beer Be Frozen? My 365 Random Thoughts to Improve Your Life Not One Iota, The Bachelor Cookbook: Edible Meals with a Side of Sarcasm, Another Round of Ice Cold Beer: My 365 More Random Thoughts to Improve Your Life Not One Iota, and Something Witty this Way Comes He’s been published nationally in Writer’s Digest and is currently writing the Ghost of a Chance sequel Perdition’s Wrath. Chris has written and voiced radio commercials, authored comedic, non-comedic and sports freelance articles, scripts, press releases, website, media and technical content, done occasional radio color commentary for local sports, and acted in a couple of movies and plays. His website is chrisjgay.com.
2012: Hope Springs (Barfly)