Faux-Chef Chris vs. Garlic: Round 2

Those of you who are familiar with my writings and books are aware that I’m a writer and author. But did you know that I’m also an awful karaoke singer? Anyway, we’ll move on from the latter. Today my focus is on food.


The Tale of Writer vs. Vegetable

For nearly all my life, my relationship with food has been rather simple. If it’s a meal that your average nutritionist would reflexively gasp at in horror, it was probably something you’d find on my personal menu. A steady diet of flavored corn chips and ice cream was my regular fare. Pepperoni pizza was also a regular staple, as it is a perfect representation of the Four Food Groups. (Well, technically.)

I was so proud of my culinary creations as a divorced bachelor in possession of fewer cooking skills than a politician’s cache of morals, I decided to write one of my books on them.

As a quick aside, allow me to show you an example of a cheap, shameless personal plug: That humor book, The Bachelor Cookbook: Edible Meals with a Side of Sarcasm, is easily available via paperback or on Kindle by clicking on the link thoughtfully and conveniently below. But I digress.

I’ve been putting in a lot of time at the gym for awhile now and have been looking for ways to augment my fitness efforts. Coincidentally, I recently came across an article on something called “fruits” and “vegetables”.

As someone who was previously unfamiliar with those terms, I was intrigued and read further. It turns out you can buy these alleged food items in something called the Produce Department of any grocery store. So I went to one and, sure enough, such a department exists.

I bought a selection of this so-called “produce” and tried it. The items varied from moderately tolerable to royally sucking. (The Cherry-flavored Mike & Ike’s were okay, though.)

However, since I’d committed to marrying a better diet to my workouts, I began trying to incorporate some of these things into my meals-rotation. And that is what brings us to the crux of the story…

Writer vs. Garlic

I’ve never had an issue with garlic; I’ve used its’ spice form for years when cooking pierogies. (It’s a Lithuanian thing.) I’ve also always loved store and restaurant-prepared garlic bread.

But to buy a bulb and try cooking one myself? Well, I’m nothing if not courageous; so I got one. Immediately, like any other red-blooded American would, I went to YouTube to find out whatever I could.

There wasn’t much on preparation, but there were several items on how to easily open it. You just shake the bulb between the closed space created by putting two equally-sized plastic bowls together.

Once done, I peeled off the remnants (of what; garlic tissue, maybe?) began chopping, (after my research revealed a simple, lousy garlic press costs $16) and then tossed the 13 cloves that the bulb had surrendered into a frying pan full of butter.

Once they started sizzling I, as required by United States and International Law, snapped a picture of my accomplishment; then proudly posted it to social media while I waited for the cloves’ ultimate destination of spaghetti sauce to simmer.

As I stirred the cloves around while enveloped within a cloud of heavenly aroma, I received a comment notification on my posted picture from my cousin who exclaimed something along the lines of, “Chris, you’re not supposed to use the whole bulb!”

Well damn it, how would I have known? There was no note stamped on the lone bulb I purchased. You know, they actually print “Contains nuts” warnings on jars of peanuts; they affix “Do not use in shower” tags to hair dryers. Is it not reasonable to expect such a heads up on garlic?

Anyway, I still tried the spaghetti and discovered two things rather quickly: I needed a tall glass of cold water stat; and that I’d never have to worry about loitering vampires again.

I didn’t finish the pasta, and it took me a month to try and contend with the plucky spice again. And so today brought the world Round 2 of Faux-Chef Chris vs. Garlic. Just like Rocky in Rocky II, I finally bested my nemesis and reigning champion Garlic to claim the belt for myself.

I ditched the bulb, peeled only 3 cloves, and put the rest in a bag for storage. I fried them in butter and this time mixed it in with meat tortellini; (ricotta blows) and it was de-li-ci-ous.

After teaching Garlic what’s what, my next kitchen-ionic mountain to climb is to tame the mighty Bell Pepper in a contest of stir fry.

I’m counting on my new reputation as Culinary King to dishearten all varieties of Bell Peppers before we even begin. I’m certain it will.

God. The Devil. The Bet. The Fate of Mankind in the Balance. Check out Chris Gay’s new theological, paranormal crime thriller, Ghost of a Chance.

Jpeg front cover with bleeds

What if a late 20th Century Jack the Ripper tearing apart a small Connecticut town was the result of a pancake shop bet between God and the devil? Imagine if Satan’s impact on the world in the new millennium hinged entirely on one police officer’s skill in hunting down a ruthless killer…hiding in plain sight. Detective Danny Seabrook is an unwitting pawn in a divine chess match with immeasurable consequences for all mankind. Set primarily in 1995, this action-packed suspense thriller features clever dialogue, humor and romance-with an ending you will never forget.

*     *     *     *

‘Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal’ by Chris Gay


As the end draws near for long-retired Sherlock Holmes in Sussex Downs, he calls one last time for the company of his best friend and colleague, Dr. John Watson. What was meant to be four last days of camaraderie and reminiscing instead leads to the most shocking, explosive revelation both of the great detective’s career, and his life.

Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal is a Holmes tale like none other ever conceived. Fans of Baker Street’s legendary detective will be left with the insatiable need to contemplate its extraordinary conclusion forevermore.


*     *     *     *

Chris Gay is an author, freelance writer, voice-over artist, broadcaster and actor. For 7 years he wrote and broadcast a daily, minute radio humor spot in Hartford, Connecticut. He’s been published nationally in Writer’s Digest and has written the paranormal, theological thriller novel Ghost of a Chance, Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal, (an original, extraordinary short story on the great detective with a spectacular twist) and four humor books: And That’s the Way It Was…Give or Take: A Daily Dose of My Radio Writings, Shouldn’t Ice Cold Beer Be Frozen? My 365 Random Thoughts to Improve Your Life Not One Iota, and The Bachelor Cookbook: Edible Meals with a Side of Sarcasm & Another Round of Ice Cold Beer: My 365 More Random Thoughts to Improve Your Life Not One Iota. He’s written and voiced radio commercials, authored both comedic and non-comedic freelance articles, scripts, press releases, website, media and technical content, done occasional radio color commentary for local sports, and acted in a couple of movies and plays. His website is chrisjgay.com, and his humor blog can be found at chrisgay.wordpress.com.


Author Page (on Facebook)

Chris Gay Author/Writer/ Humorist (on Facebook)

Ghost of a Chance (on Facebook)

Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal (on Facebook)

The Bachelor Cookbook: Edible Meals with a Side of Sarcasm (on Facebook)

And That’s the Way it Was…Give or Take: A Daily Dose of My Radio Writings (on Facebook)

Shouldn’t Ice Cold Beer Be Frozen? My 365 Random Thoughts to Improve Your Life Not One Iota (on Facebook)

Another Round of Ice Cold Beer: My 365 More Random Thoughts to Improve Your Life Not One Iota (on Facebook)



2012: Hope Springs (Barfly)

2009: Testimonies of a Quiet New England Town (Constable John Gilbert)

%d bloggers like this: