My ‘Jaws’ Movie Prequel Script

We all know it goes without saying that Jaws is among the greatest movies ever committed to celluloid. It should never be remade. However nothing is sacred today and so, if it is remade, I’d like to throw my concept in the ring.                    1187215_10200564375653581_1729544547_n

This isn’t an entire script. It details some of the back story on both Quint and Chief Brody that  the beginning of the main story we all know and love…

 

 

  JAWS 

(Prequel)

Screenplay

By Chris Gay

Film opens on the USS Indianapolis on the water, with the sun setting around it.

Mess Hall, USS Indianapolis

July 30, 1945

Sam Quint & Herbie Robinson are sitting at a table across from each other. There are empty plates in front of them and they’re both drinking coffee.

Robinson:

“You think this’ll be the end of it then, Sam?”

Quint:

“Can’t really tell. Bastards are dug in, an’ looks like they’re willin’ to fight to the last man. Why? You got somewhere better to be?”

Robinson:

“Signed a contract with the Indians. If the war ends by next spring they’re gonna give me a tryout.”

Quint:

“Big Leagues, eh? Didn’t know I was sailin’ with a bona fide star.”

Robinson modestly rolls his eyes, but smiles.

Robinson:

“Not likely, my friend. (Finishes his coffee in one last swig and puts the cup down.) Can’t make The Show from the middle of the ocean.”

Quint:

“Don’t you be worrying about that, Herbie. What we’ve delivered’ll end this war. You see if it don’t.”

Robinson:

“You sound confident we’ll get it there. Must be that new tattoo.” (Says with a smile.)

 Quint:

(Throwing a cursory glance down at his fresh USS Indianapolis tattoo) “Well I don’t know about that, Mr. Robinson. Tattoos don’t win wars, but a weapon like this one sure as hell does… (Pauses for a moment, and then continues more positively.) Anyway, cheer up. Come next spring you’ll be trading your guns for gloves and fightin’ for the AL Pennant. Beats the hell outta this.”

Robinson:

(Smiling) “Hopefully. What’ll you be doing?”

Quint:

“Back home to New England; gonna be a carpenter. I got a feelin’ there’s gonna be a lot of work building houses in the comin’ years.”

Robinson:

“Carpenter, huh? That’ll be the day. Thought you were a fisherman?”

Quint:

“Whatever pays the bills, Herbie. Whatever pays th-” (Suddenly, an explosion rocks the boat and both are thrown from their chairs to the ground.)

Robinson:

What the hell was…”

Quint:

 “Torpedo! Let’s get topside! C’mon, now!”

The two head for the exit with water starting to pour in from one side. Other sailors in the mess hall are scrambling around to get out, too. One has fallen; Quint and Robinson stop, pick him up, & together they carry him out of the mess hall.

They’re moving up the stairs as the ship starts to list. The sailor they were carrying is okay to walk. The three of them move through a growing shower of seawater.

Quint:

“Faster, men! We gotta get up an’ outta here if we don’t wanna end up on the bottom with her!”

Other Sailor:

(Shouting above the noise) “How much time?!”

Quint:

“Vessel’s got ten minutes. Fifteen at most!” (They reach the deck, with men already there putting a few lifeboats into the water. Others were flinging as many life jackets overboard as they could.)

Robinson:

“Let’s get to the-“

Quint:

(Interrupting) “No time! Get in that goddamn water and swim as far from the boat as you can!”

Robinson:

“What?! Why?!”

Other sailor:

“Suction!” (Quint looks from the sailor to Herbie, and nods silently in agreement. The ship is listing badly now.)

Quint:

“It’s time, my friend. Go, go! (Robinson joins him at the rail and together they jump into the water and swim away.)

After getting about a hundred yards out they stop, turn around, and watch the vessel founder. They look at each other in the oily water, and then swim back toward a couple of floating life jackets. They put them on and join a few others treading water nearby.

Smitty:

“Quint? That you?”

Quint:

“Yeah. Me an’ Herbie.”

Smitty:

“You two stay with us. We’ve gotta band together; keep close! When those damn sharks start circling, we’re gonna be better off in a group.

Quint:

“We’re sitting ducks out here, Smitty.”

Robinson:

(Spitting out oily seawater) “We shouldn’t be long in the water. Theyd’ve radioed our position before the Indy foundered.”

Smitty:

“Nah, Robinson. Clandestine mission. No one knows we’re here. We could floating out here for days.” (Reality sinks in for Herbie.)

In the distance they hear a scream. They look up and see a solitary sailor a hundred yards away being eaten by a shark. Quint starts to swim toward the sailor, & Smitty grabs him by the back of the life jacket.

Quint:

“Get offa me, ya bastard!”

Smitty:

(Pulling him around so they’re face to face.) “Sam, listen! (Quint squirms to break free, Smitty’s grip holds.) Listen to me, damn it! He’s gone, all you’d do over there is get yourself killed. We gotta keep our wits about us now. We gotta stay together!”

Quint:

“Jesus H. Christ!”

Smitty:

“We’re gonna need him.” (Smitty’s words are audible only to himself.)

Scene fades out. When it fades back in it’s daytime. Quint and Smitty are sleeping while being kept afloat by their life jackets. Quint wakes up.

Quint:

Smitty…Smitty!”

 Smitty:

“I’m here, Sam. I’m up.”

Quint:

“How long we been out here?”

Smitty:

“‘Bout four days now, at least.”

Quint:

“Sounds right. Damn it, I’m starving. (Quint looks over to Robinson, who’s twenty yards away) Herbie…Herbie wake up, man. (Quint swims the short distance over to Robinson. He’s still apparently asleep. Quint pushes him on the shoulder to wake him, and Herbie’s torso bobs over and he floats face-first in the water) Jesus H. Christ! Herbie! Herbie!”

Smitty:

“Sam! (Quint turns and looks back,) He’s gone, man. He’s gone…Come back to the group. It’s safer.”

Quint remains for a moment; a look of fury on his face. Then he reluctantly swims back to the others. As he does, Smitty turns his head to a noise in the distance. Quint, along with the camera, follows his eyes to a ship in the distance getting closer to their position.

Smitty:

“Is it a…”

Quint:

“Yeah.”

As the ship gets closer, Quint looks back on Robinson.  

Smitty:

(Puts his hand on Quint’s shoulder.) “That plane musta saw us! We made it, Sam. We made it!’

Quint:

(Still staring at their rescue ship.)“Yeah. We did…”

 Scene fades to black

New York City, April, 1973

A foot chase is in progress. NYPD Officer Martin Brody is pursuing a suspect, whom he corners in an alley.

 Martin Brody:

Freeze!”

(Corned, the hoodlum Brody was chasing slowly turns around. He suddenly pulls his hand out of his sweatshirt pocket and fires a round at Brody, He barely misses him, and the bullet removes a good-sized chunk of the brick from the wall behind him. Brody returns fire, and connects with the hoodlum’s shoulder. He then moves in to make the arrest.) 

“Jesus man, that fuckin’ hurts!”

Brody:

(Slapping handcuffs on him) “It’ll hurt a helluva lot more if you don’t shut the hell up.” (Sirens wail in the background. As Brody drags the suspect to his feet, he’s approached by another uniformed officer.)

Brody:

(To arriving officer) “Book this asshole. Took a goddamn shot at me.”

(Brody nods his head to the wall and the officer looks over at it.)

Officer:

 “Jesus…Want to ride back with him?” (The implication is that Brody would have a chance to exact some revenge on the drive back to the Precinct.)

Brody:

“No, I’ll walk it.”

Officer:

“Whatever you say, Marty. (Speaking to the suspect as he lifts him up by the shoulder.) All right, asshole. Let’s go.” (The arriving officer takes the suspect to the squad car and roughly shoves him in. Brody watches the car until it’s out of sight. Then he backs up to the brick wall and stares silently at the damage inflicted upon it by the bullet that was meant for him. After a moment he lets out a sigh, then slowly slides down till he’s in a crouch, then stares blankly across the alleyway the way Quint stared at the approaching rescue ship. Scene fades out.)

Amity Island, Massachusetts. September, 1973

Amity Mayor Larry Vaughn:

(Reading a piece of paper in front of him, and then looking up) “This is a very impressive resume, Martin. It’s even better than what you told me over the phone. I have to ask; are you sure you’d want to trade the excitement of New York City in for the monotony of Amity Island? While it’s still police work, it’s a totally different world. There hasn’t been a singe killing in over 25 years. “

 Brody:

“I’ve talked it over with my wife, Mr. Vaughn. The fresh start for our family in a much safer place is the best move for us. The promotion and raise don’t hurt too much, either.” (Brody smiles.)

 Vaughn:

All right, then. Oh, and it’s just Larry, by the way. Listen, you’re the most qualified candidate we’ve had in here so far. I’ll need to get a rubber stamp from the selectmen, but that’s just a formality. Can you start October 1st?”

Brody:

“I’m good with that, Larry.”

Vaughn:

“Right. Go find yourself some temporary lodging. Should be no problem in September. I’ll call you in a week, Martin.”

Brody:

“Good enough. Thanks the offer; I look forward to the job.” (Brody stands up and the two shake hands. Scene fades out.)

June 1975

A group of twenty-somethings are sitting around a campfire on the beach. One of the men is drinking, and eyeing an attractive brunette. She’s returning his gaze.

 

(Following her while stumbling) “Wait! Wait for me!”

This brings the script up to where the original movie begins.

God. The Devil. The Bet. The Fate of Mankind in the Balance. Check out Chris Gay’s new theological, paranormal crime thriller, Ghost of a Chance.

Jpeg front cover with bleeds

What if a late 20th Century Jack the Ripper tearing apart a small Connecticut town was the result of a pancake shop bet between God and the devil? Imagine if Satan’s impact on the world in the new millennium hinged entirely on one police officer’s skill in hunting down a ruthless killer…hiding in plain sight. Detective Danny Seabrook is an unwitting pawn in a divine chess match with immeasurable consequences for all mankind. Set primarily in 1995, this action-packed suspense thriller features clever dialogue, humor and romance-with an ending you will never forget.

*     *     *     *

‘Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal’ by Chris Gay

CJGSherlock1c

As the end draws near for long-retired Sherlock Holmes in Sussex Downs, he calls one last time for the company of his best friend and colleague, Dr. John Watson. What was meant to be four last days of camaraderie and reminiscing instead leads to the most shocking, explosive revelation both of the great detective’s career, and his life.

Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal is a Holmes tale like none other ever conceived. Fans of Baker Street’s legendary detective will be left with the insatiable need to contemplate its extraordinary conclusion forevermore.

1977287_10152267078273756_2109539589_n

*     *     *     *

Chris Gay is an author, freelance writer, voice-over artist, broadcaster and actor. For 7 years he wrote and broadcast a daily, minute radio humor spot in Hartford, Connecticut. He’s been published nationally in Writer’s Digest and has written the paranormal, theological thriller novel Ghost of a Chance, Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal, (an original, extraordinary short story on the great detective with a spectacular twist) and four humor books: And That’s the Way It Was…Give or Take: A Daily Dose of My Radio Writings, Shouldn’t Ice Cold Beer Be Frozen? My 365 Random Thoughts to Improve Your Life Not One Iota, and The Bachelor Cookbook: Edible Meals with a Side of Sarcasm & Another Round of Ice Cold Beer: My 365 More Random Thoughts to Improve Your Life Not One Iota. He’s written and voiced radio commercials, authored both comedic and non-comedic freelance articles, scripts, press releases, website, media and technical content, done occasional radio color commentary for local sports, and acted in a couple of movies and plays. His website is chrisjgay.com, and his humor blog can be found at chrisgay.wordpress.com.

http://www.chrisjgay.com

Author Page (on Facebook)

Chris Gay Author/Writer/ Humorist (on Facebook)

Ghost of a Chance (on Facebook)

Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal (on Facebook)

The Bachelor Cookbook: Edible Meals with a Side of Sarcasm (on Facebook)

And That’s the Way it Was…Give or Take: A Daily Dose of My Radio Writings (on Facebook)

Shouldn’t Ice Cold Beer Be Frozen? My 365 Random Thoughts to Improve Your Life Not One Iota (on Facebook)

Another Round of Ice Cold Beer: My 365 More Random Thoughts to Improve Your Life Not One Iota (on Facebook)

https://chrisgay.wordpress.com

Movies:

2012: Hope Springs (Barfly)

2009: Testimonies of a Quiet New England Town (Constable John Gilbert)

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Valentine’s Day: A Humorous Exposition

And here we are again. With barely enough time for the nation to have 12036753_10205276543134823_1249559569961522867_ncollectively recovered from its annual raucous Groundhog Day celebrations, along comes the granddaddy of all Hallmark Holidays: Valentine’s Day.

The Power of Frivolity

Somewhere, somebody’s great-grandchildren are probably still living off the residuals earned by whoever it was that first came up with the idea to create a dumb holiday around an obscure Saint. A holiday that somehow has the power to prop up the greeting card, chocolate, flower, restaurant and bed & breakfast industries annually for an entire fiscal quarter. To be honest that’s pretty impressive.

Too Much, Too Soon

Is it really fair that guys have to trek right back out and search for another “perfect gift” seven lousy weeks after Christmas? Not to mention (but I will) that those men who aren’t botanists, (all of us, for example) must once again try to decipher the overly complex Carnation Color Code Chart. Or figure out the difference between long and short stem roses while debating the necessity of ferns, ribbons- and whatever the hell baby’s breath is?

Once that stuff is corralled to the best of our abilities, we must then decide on where to make reservations. And as any man who’s ever lived will tell you, whatever restaurant he picks likely won’t be the right one; unless it’s called ‘I Don’t Know,’ ‘I Don’t Care’, or ‘Anywhere Is Fine With Me’. Which brings me to the next point…

A One-Sided Affair

Although there are always exceptions to any rule, this “holiday” clearly exists for the benefit of one gender which shall women nameless. Sorry, I meant remain nameless. Men really don’t care as far as they themselves are concerned, and are just happy if they can get past it with their spouses sufficiently contented. (Though if she leaves that Whitman’s Sampler around, there’s a good chance she’ll later discover that a couple of chocolates went AWOL.) If given a vote to mothball V-Day, polling places nationwide would resemble rugby matches, with guys rushing for the chance to pull that Aye lever. And why?

Because Good Men…

Because good men who love their significant others don’t need an over-hyped day to show that love. They don’t want to give a few corporations the power to try and guilt them into performing like automatons for the benefit of those corporations’ bottom lines. A good man will remember birthdays, anniversaries, et cetera, and treat his lady well throughout the year. And also make certain to take a few other random days annually on which he’ll do something extra special. And if he doesn’t-or if she doesn’t-maybe one, or both, are settling. Ponder that, if you will.

Cupid, Draw Back Your Bow

I’ve really got nothing much to say in this paragraph. It’s just that as I’m writing this, that catchy Spinners 70’s tune about the cherubic matchmaker popped into my head. And it’s only fair that I now try to stick it into yours for the rest of the day. You’re welcome.

Singles

As of this writing, I too will be among the millions of you this year who’ll be single on Valentine’s Day. And yes, I realize that on February 14th it’ll feel like the music’s stopped and we’re left without chairs. (Though how we could be missing millions of chairs I’ll never know. Maybe they’re hanging out with all of those dryer socks.) Anyway, don’t fret.

Someday, perhaps as soon as next year, you’ll be able to join in the fun and expense of this annual bacchanalia of February romance again. So for now, just bask in the happiness that can only be truly known through binge-eating Chinese food- and having a free reign over your TV.

And if that’s not enough, just remember that the return of McDonald’s Shamrock Shakes is just around the corner!

God. The Devil. The Bet. The Fate of Mankind in the Balance. Check out Chris Gay’s new theological, paranormal crime thriller, Ghost of a Chance.

Jpeg front cover with bleeds

What if a late 20th Century Jack the Ripper tearing apart a small Connecticut town was the result of a pancake shop bet between God and the devil? Imagine if Satan’s impact on the world in the new millennium hinged entirely on one police officer’s skill in hunting down a ruthless killer…hiding in plain sight. Detective Danny Seabrook is an unwitting pawn in a divine chess match with immeasurable consequences for all mankind. Set primarily in 1995, this action-packed suspense thriller features clever dialogue, humor and romance-with an ending you will never forget.

*     *     *     *

‘Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal’ by Chris Gay

CJGSherlock1c

As the end draws near for long-retired Sherlock Holmes in Sussex Downs, he calls one last time for the company of his best friend and colleague, Dr. John Watson. What was meant to be four last days of camaraderie and reminiscing instead leads to the most shocking, explosive revelation both of the great detective’s career, and his life.

Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal is a Holmes tale like none other ever conceived. Fans of Baker Street’s legendary detective will be left with the insatiable need to contemplate its extraordinary conclusion forevermore.

1977287_10152267078273756_2109539589_n

*     *     *     *

Chris Gay is an author, freelance writer, voice-over artist, broadcaster and actor. For 7 years he wrote and broadcast a daily, minute radio humor spot in Hartford, Connecticut. He’s been published nationally in Writer’s Digest and has written the paranormal, theological thriller novel Ghost of a Chance, Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal, (an original, extraordinary short story on the great detective with a spectacular twist) and four humor books: And That’s the Way It Was…Give or Take: A Daily Dose of My Radio Writings, Shouldn’t Ice Cold Beer Be Frozen? My 365 Random Thoughts to Improve Your Life Not One Iota, and The Bachelor Cookbook: Edible Meals with a Side of Sarcasm & Another Round of Ice Cold Beer: My 365 More Random Thoughts to Improve Your Life Not One Iota. He’s written and voiced radio commercials, authored both comedic and non-comedic freelance articles, scripts, press releases, website, media and technical content, done occasional radio color commentary for local sports, and acted in a couple of movies and plays. His website is chrisjgay.com, and his humor blog can be found at chrisgay.wordpress.com.

http://www.chrisjgay.com

Author Page (on Facebook)

Chris Gay Author/Writer/ Humorist (on Facebook)

Ghost of a Chance (on Facebook)

Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal (on Facebook)

The Bachelor Cookbook: Edible Meals with a Side of Sarcasm (on Facebook)

And That’s the Way it Was…Give or Take: A Daily Dose of My Radio Writings (on Facebook)

Shouldn’t Ice Cold Beer Be Frozen? My 365 Random Thoughts to Improve Your Life Not One Iota (on Facebook)

Another Round of Ice Cold Beer: My 365 More Random Thoughts to Improve Your Life Not One Iota (on Facebook)

https://chrisgay.wordpress.com

Movies:

2012:

Hope Springs (Barfly)

2009:

Testimonies of a Quiet New England Town (Constable John Gilbert)

Folklore Musings: The Loch Ness Monster & Bermuda Triangle

The Loch Ness Monster388982_3377538558968_401329802_n

Embedded within the Highlands of Scotland lies Loch Ness, an abyssal freshwater lake that has gained widespread notoriety due to its most reclusive inhabitant, Nessie. The “Loch Ness Monster.”

Perhaps the most integral question raised in the previous paragraph is, were it not for that damned salty lake in Utah, would writers get to bypass the silly requirement of specifying “freshwater” when referencing lakes in articles?

I suppose if there’s one salt lake, there must be another. But if there isn’t, that dumb condiment bog is creating a lot of extra work. But I digress.

Now, as this is a blog post and not a novel we’ll skip ahead hundreds of years and begin this speculation in the 20th Century.

Eye Witness Accounts

Some accounts dating back to the 1930’s had various people supposedly encountering an amphibious creature both in and out of the loch’s water.

These versions vary from the improbable-sounding to the ludicrously outlandish. Sure, perhaps the latter was somewhat hyperbolic. But it sounds good and I’ve never had the opportunity to use ludicrously outlandish in a sentence before.

At any rate as the saying goes, pictures, or it didn’t happen. Speaking of which, what a perfect segue.

Fake Photographs

An assortment of photos spanning decades have purported to depict Nessie. However, through various means many of these pictures were ultimately revealed to be fake.

But the truth is that every photograph was an authentic photo; it was merely the depicted content of some that turned out to be shams. And while in context that is an unnecessary and meaningless distinction, explaining the difference was exceedingly crucial in swelling the word count of this article.

The Loch Ness Monster Itself

If Nessie does exist, he’s/she’s kind of lame for a so-called “monster.” While you can reasonably expect monsters to maintain some semblance of seclusion, sooner or later the job description obliges them to come out and scare folks. Not play hide-and-seek over the course of a millennium.

Yet this one never does. Not even to the requisite group of annoying campers who goof-off during the day, and then pair up at night to fornicate in abandoned cabins. Per the countless reels of celluloid devoted to this, you’d almost think that’s a requirement.

It’s no wonder there are so few horror flicks made featuring this bloke. For God’s sake, at one point somebody even swam the entire lake at once without so much as a glimpse of a nefarious fin. Or tail. Or anything. That’s just plain laziness, Nessie.

Nessie’s Greatest Impact

Nevertheless, while the ol’ leviathan rarely puts in a public appearance, it doesn’t mean his impact isn’t still felt across the globe.

Nessie and his theorized likeness have been godsends for both the local tourism industry, and companies producing tee shirts and bric-a-brac. Whether he exists is irrelevant, because the dough he rakes in certainly does.

In fact, while he may appear to some as a seal, fish or Plesiosaur, in reality what he resembles most is a Cash Cow.

And don’t forget his American cousin Champ in Vermont’s Lake Champlain, who’s been evading cameras while filling coffers himself for decades.

So to all of you budding knick-knack entrepreneurs, remember: you don’t really need an actual dinosaur to prosper with a roadside stand. Just a lake and a legend.

The Bermuda Triangle

The Bermuda Triangle has long been a subject of great interest for many. Is it real? Does it exist? Well, sure. Miami, San Juan and Bermuda are three relatively equidistant points which together form a triangle. That’s no mystery, it’s just simple geometry.

Unfortunately, that’s the easy part.

For decades believers in Triangle lore have considered it to be some kind of Roach Motel, where transport vehicles check in, but they don’t check out.

However the reality is that if the amount of traffic it receives is taken into consideration, there’s not much difference between the Bermuda Triangle and the less famous Acapulco Misplaced Sock Trapezoid; an area of Acapulco Bay in which, legend has it, millions of missing socks lost in dryers the world over are hiding out.

While there’s never been any real proof of anything abnormal or supernatural regarding the Triangle, there is one interesting hypothesis that’s tough to laugh off, and it’s put forth by those who think  the fabled lost continent of Atlantis lies somewhere beneath the Triangle’s enigmatic waves.

If that’s true, then perhaps there are beautiful mermaids and cold beverages down there, too. In that instance I’m not too sure I’d want to go home, either.

The truth is that tales like this can be very beneficial. For instance they created shows like In Search Of…; thereby giving Leonard Nimoy something to appear in between television Star Trek, and motion pictures Star Trek, that didn’t require a bowl cut and applied prosthetics.

Besides, what would the world be without a little cool speculative fun to ponder every now and again?

*     *     *     *

God. The Devil. The Bet. The Fate of Mankind in the Balance. Check out Chris Gay’s new theological, paranormal crime thriller, Ghost of a Chance.

What if a late 20th Century Jack the Ripper tearing apart a small Connecticut town was the result of a pancake shop bet between God and the devil? Imagine if Satan’s impact on the world in the new millennium hinged entirely on one police officer’s skill in hunting down a ruthless killer…hiding in plain sight. Detective Danny Seabrook is an unwitting pawn in a divine chess match with immeasurable consequences for all mankind. Set primarily in 1995, this action-packed suspense thriller features clever dialogue, humor and romance-with an ending you will never forget.

*     *     *     *

‘Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal’ by Chris Gay

As the end draws near for long-retired Sherlock Holmes in Sussex Downs, he calls one last time for the company of his best friend and colleague, Dr. John Watson. What was meant to be four last days of camaraderie and reminiscing instead leads to the most shocking, explosive revelation both of the great detective’s career, and his life.

Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal is a Holmes tale like none other ever conceived. Fans of Baker Street’s legendary detective will be left with the insatiable need to contemplate its extraordinary conclusion forevermore.

*     *     *     *

‘The Bachelor Cookbook: Edible Meals with a Side of Sarcasm’ by Chris Gay

The Bachelor Cookbook is the perfect (and likely only) addition to any guy’s collection of sarcastic culinary literature. If you’re between relationships and looking to make the most of whatever foodstuffs you’ve got until you meet that next special woman, then your prayers have been answered. Unless you’re an atheist; in which case coming across this book just means your luck was in today. For men looking for sustenance over style, I give you this spectacular cookbook. Well, I don’t “give it” to you, per se. You have to pay for it.

Featuring such taste-bud tempting recipes as:

Popcorn Salad

Meat on a Bed of Rice

Cheese and Crackers

Spaghetti Sandwich

Plus Miscellaneous Cookbook Humor, too!

Click the book poster below to visit my website’s online bookstore:

1977287_10152267078273756_2109539589_n

Chris Gay is an author, freelance writer, voice-over artist, broadcaster and actor. He writes and broadcasts a daily, minute radio humor spot in Hartford, Connecticut. He’s also written the paranormal, theological thriller novel Ghost of a Chance, the novella Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal, (an original, extraordinary short story on the great detective) Santa Claus: Kris Kringle From Man to Myth, a unique, realistic take of a classic tale, and several humor books:Something Witty this Way Comes, And That’s the Way It Was…Give or Take: A Daily Dose of My Radio Writings, Shouldn’t Ice Cold Beer Be Frozen? My 365 Random Thoughts to Improve Your Life Not One Iota, The Bachelor Cookbook: Edible Meals with a Side of Sarcasm and Another Round of Ice Cold Beer: My 365 More Random Thoughts to Improve Your Life Not One Iota. He’s been published nationally in Writer’s Digest and is currently writing the Ghost of a Chance sequel Perdition’s Wrath. Chris has written and voiced radio commercials, authored comedic, non-comedic and sports freelance articles, scripts, press releases, website, media and technical content, done occasional radio color commentary for local sports, and acted in a couple of movies and plays. His website is chrisjgay.com.

Facebook

Twitter: @chrisgay13

Movies:

2012: Hope Springs (Barfly)

2009: Testimonies of a Quiet New England Town (Constable John Gilbert)

25 Things I’ve Learned from Watching James Bond Movies

By Chris Gay1531953_10201253358477721_1937314015_n

25) The U.S. military would actually sign off on a plan that allows a lunatic to waltz right into Fort Knox with an atomic device.

24) Highly-budgeted Casino Royale will be lavishly praised by critics, despite its climax being nearly identical to that of the Mel Gibson-Jodie Foster comedy Maverick.

23) There are haberdashers who will not only impeccably craft a bowler hat to your personal taste and comfort, but also customize it with a razor-sharp steel brim.

22) A secret agent will walk past a snake charmer and actually recognize that the guy is playing his own theme song.

21) The parents of gorgeous ‘60’s, ‘70’s & ‘80’s women were both cunningly creative and remarkably prophetic while naming their daughters.

20) MI6 will allow one single agent to bring the head of its organization to his secluded-and-fully-exposed home, let a treacherous villain and his gang of mercenaries know its exact location and then…provide no backup whatsoever and wait around to hear how it all turned out.

19) There exists people who are unable to notice a full-sized blimp flying so close behind them that a passenger can actually scoop them up right off the ground.

18) No matter where a secret agent goes in the world, be it a sunken ship or a cargo plane, there’s a better than average chance he’ll run into his boss sitting in an improvised-yet-fully-furnished office.

17) Neither a brilliant super-villain nor his team of pilots seem to have the capability of grasping the consequences of sudden cabin depressurization.

16) A satellite which could easily spot a 300 meter-wide satellite dish would not notice it being built into a massive lake that had been drained, cemented over, and refilled again.

15) A hundred miles from Earth with a space station crumbling around you is the best time to turn your focus toward celebrating a blossoming romance.

14) There are multi-billionaire newspaper magnates who believe that anonymously starting a full-scale nuclear war, just so their media empire can cover it, is a perfectly rational way to earn a little extra coin.

13) The British military actually allows milkmen to deliver to its top-secret safe houses.

12) A villain will be sadistic enough to set up an elaborate demise showcasing the evisceration of his adversary with a laser beam, but not be sadistic enough to stick around and watch.

11) Evil, bald, disfigured, cat-stroking megalomaniacal CEO’s who dismiss incompetent employees via piranha-infested indoor office ponds, are still overwhelmed with job applications for henchmen.

10) Q Branch has the capability to design the exact gadgets Bond will need for every predicament that he’ll find himself in during a mission…prior to that mission.

9) Two outwardly intelligent adults will look upon a flame-throwing tank with teeth literally painted on it…and actually believe that it’s a real dragon.

8) Two people sliding down a mountain in a cello case can outrun a small army of skiing mercenaries all the way into another country.

7) The best ways for a secret agent to maintain his anonymity are to ski off a mountain while employing a huge, Union Jack-adorned parachute, and to convert his submarine into a car then drive it directly out of the ocean and over the sand through a crowded beach.

6) With laughably-cheap eye prosthetics and a bad toupee, you can easily pass off a hairy, 6’2” heavily- accented Scottish man as Japanese, and no one will ever be the wiser.

5) There are casting directors and movie producers who truly believe that anyone, anywhere, at any time would buy Denise Richards as a nuclear physicist.

4) There are casting directors and movie producers who truly believe that anyone, anywhere, at any time would buy Madonna as a fencing instructor.

3) Regardless of strength or intellect, villains with peroxide-blond hair will have exceptionally short lifespans.

2) Hired mercenaries will still go to great lengths to carry out their contract on Bond even after the villain who commissioned them has been liquidated.

1) It’s seemingly an MI6 requirement that James Bond must dispatch his adversaries while simultaneously delivering a complementary wise-crack.

God. The Devil. The Bet. The Fate of Mankind in the Balance. Check out Chris Gay’s new theological, paranormal crime thriller, Ghost of a Chance.

Ghost of a Chance Cover jpeg What if a late 20th Century Jack the Ripper tearing apart a small Connecticut town was the result of a pancake shop bet between God and the devil? Imagine if Satan’s impact on the world in the new millennium hinged entirely on one police officer’s skill in hunting down a ruthless killer…hiding in plain sight. Detective Danny Seabrook is an unwitting pawn in a divine chess match with immeasurable consequences for all mankind. Set primarily in 1995, this action-packed suspense thriller features clever dialogue, humor and romance-with an ending you will never forget.

*     *     *     *

‘Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal’ by Chris Gay #1(A!A)CJGSherlockHomesCoverCMYK1d

As the end draws near for long-retired Sherlock Holmes in Sussex Downs, he calls one last time for the company of his best friend and colleague, Dr. John Watson. What was meant to be four last days of camaraderie and reminiscing instead leads to the most shocking, explosive revelation both of the great detective’s career, and his life.

Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal is a Holmes tale like none other ever conceived. Fans of Baker Street’s legendary detective will be left with the insatiable need to contemplate its extraordinary conclusion forevermore.

*     *     *     *

‘The Bachelor Cookbook: Edible Meals with a Side of Sarcasm’ by Chris Gay

CJG Full Kindle Cover For Promotions

The Bachelor Cookbook is the perfect (and likely only) addition to any guy’s collection of sarcastic culinary literature. If you’re between relationships and looking to make the most of whatever foodstuffs you’ve got until you meet that next special woman, then your prayers have been answered. Unless you’re an atheist; in which case coming across this book just means your luck was in today. For men looking for sustenance over style, I give you this spectacular cookbook. Well, I don’t “give it” to you, per se. You have to pay for it.

Featuring such taste-bud tempting recipes as:

Popcorn Salad

Meat on a Bed of Rice

Cheese and Crackers

Spaghetti Sandwich

Plus Miscellaneous Cookbook Humor, too!

*     *     *     *

Chris Gay is an author, freelance writer, voice-over artist, broadcaster and actor. He writes and broadcasts a daily, minute radio humor spot in Hartford, Connecticut. He’s also written the paranormal, theological thriller novel Ghost of a Chance, the novella Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal, (an original, extraordinary short story on the great detective) and three humor books: And That’s the Way It Was…Give or Take: A Daily Dose of My Radio Writings, Shouldn’t Ice Cold Beer Be Frozen? My 365 Random Thoughts to Improve Your Life Not One Iota, and The Bachelor Cookbook: Edible Meals with a Side of Sarcasm. He’s been published nationally in Writer’s Digest and is currently writing his fourth, fifth and sixth humor books, Another Round of Ice Cold Beer: My 365 More Random Thoughts to Improve Your Life Not One Iota,  Something Witty this Way Comes and Politically Correct Movie Reviews.

Also, he’s writing the Ghost of a Chance sequel Perdition’s Wrath, and has written and voiced radio commercials, authored both comedic and non-comedic freelance articles, scripts, press releases, website, media and technical content, done occasional radio color commentary for local sports, and acted in a couple of movies and plays. His website is chrisjgay.com, and his humor blog can be found at chrisgay.wordpress.com.

Jpeg front cover with bleedsKindle Cookbook Cover 7.12.2013

book2book1CJGSherlock1c

Twitter: @chrisgay13

Movies:

2012: Hope Springs (Barfly)

2009: Testimonies of a Quiet New England Town (Constable John Gilbert)

My More Realistic, Yet Still Fun, Bucket List

By Chris Gay 1531953_10201253358477721_1937314015_n

Someday I’d like to bravely:

•Walk through a shark-infested aquarium

• Play a guitar while telling jokes onstage in front of a huge crowd, & see how long it takes them to realize that I have no idea whatsoever how to play a guitar

• Ask a proud, family-owned pizzeria if I might special order two dozen authentic, Old World pies made just like my great-grandma used to & then, after they agree, tell them she was Lithuanian

• Accept defeat at a round of miniature golf in a manner proportionate to losing a round of miniature golf

• Walk into an Apple store & ask an associate where they keep the typewriter ribbons

• Call the manager of a Mall Food Court burger stand & stubbornly insist that his staff got my order wrong at the drive-thru

• Call every rock station in Cincinnati, Ohio & stubbornly insist that they put Dr. Johnny Fever back on the air

• Drive up to the front of an Antique Shop in a DeLorean, run in, & demand all of my stuff back

• Attend a baseball card show featuring mid-‘80’s ballplayers &, upon reaching their table, off-handedly mention that isn’t it extraordinary how much athletes’ salaries have skyrocketed since 1990

• Challenge myself to pour into the washer not a single drop of laundry detergent more than is instructed on the bottle

• Write the Hershey Corporation to request they discontinue both Mounds & Almond Joy because, after years of trying, I just can’t decide between them & no longer wish to try

• Take my watch to a repair shop & tell the owner that I need it set to Western Standard Time

• Request to perform the lengthiest song in a Karaoke DJ’s catalogue & then, after she calls me to the stage, lip sync to it

• Wait until a Karaoke DJ is completely overwhelmed, then walk over & demand to see his list of instrumentals

• Walk up to a Convent with a dozen roses, knock on the door & when someone answers, ask her if she wouldn’t mind seeing if Sister Catherine is ready, as we’re already running late for the movie.

• Drive into a parking lot blaring, at maximum bass & volume levels, an ‘80’s pop song like ‘C’mon, Eileen’ or ‘The Safety Dance

• Wear a monocle while out & about with jeans, sneakers & a tee shirt

• See if Pamplona also hosts an annual ‘Running of the Kittens’ &, if so, do that one instead

• Smugly ask a European when they finally plan on abandoning the Metric System for ours.

• Make a spectacle of successfully parachuting into my parking space from the curb

• Ask a shorter person if he or she’d mind getting me a grocery item from the bottom shelf for once, instead of it always being the other way around

• Come across one of those model-laden, late night Super Bra infomercials & see if at least just once I can bring myself to click past before it ends

• Shave my head completely bald, then walk into a barbershop & tell the barber not to shorten my bangs too much

• See if I can finish a 4 Meter Road Race

• Try & produce a neatly-signed book autograph with a quill pen & ink on the very first try

• Play chess by telephone during a thunderstorm that’s no closer than two counties away

• Notice a small grammatical error within an internet post of mine, & then see if I can let myself just leave it be

• Try to consume an order of chain restaurant chicken tenders in such a manner as to see if it’s scientifically possible to leave even an atom of sauce in the thimble-sized container that accompanies them

• Hang around an appliance store with a few paper towels till some customers ask to buy a self-cleaning oven, then walk over, introduce myself as Mr. Self, & ask if they think I’ll enjoy my new home

• Write to Lionel Richie & nicely ask if he wouldn’t mind getting me the autograph of an obscure Commodore

• Leave a restaurant buffet for home without trying to stuff down at least one form of dessert

• Finally put in the effort & patience to see if I can for once actually wrap a single present as well as any woman I’ve ever dated

• Waste not a second more time wondering if, after hearing an ad in which friends have an absurdly enthusiastic dialogue about a name brand of butter, a similar conversation has ever occurred between two people in real life at any point in recorded history

• Successfully pitch a Syndicate on the concept of a witty, cleverly written comic strip featuring nothing but stick figures so I could do the whole thing myself

• Graciously accept a compliment without instinctively tossing out a self-depreciative quip

• Know when to stop writing these occasional humor lists I craft for my blog without trying to think of just one joke more.

• No, really

God. The Devil. The Bet. The Fate of Mankind in the Balance. Check out Chris Gay’s new theological, paranormal crime thriller, Ghost of a Chance.

Ghost of a Chance Cover jpeg What if a late 20th Century Jack the Ripper tearing apart a small Connecticut town was the result of a pancake shop bet between God and the devil? Imagine if Satan’s impact on the world in the new millennium hinged entirely on one police officer’s skill in hunting down a ruthless killer…hiding in plain sight. Detective Danny Seabrook is an unwitting pawn in a divine chess match with immeasurable consequences for all mankind. Set primarily in 1995, this action-packed suspense thriller features clever dialogue, humor and romance-with an ending you will never forget.

*     *     *     *

‘Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal’ by Chris Gay #1(A!A)CJGSherlockHomesCoverCMYK1d

As the end draws near for long-retired Sherlock Holmes in Sussex Downs, he calls one last time for the company of his best friend and colleague, Dr. John Watson. What was meant to be four last days of camaraderie and reminiscing instead leads to the most shocking, explosive revelation both of the great detective’s career, and his life.

Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal is a Holmes tale like none other ever conceived. Fans of Baker Street’s legendary detective will be left with the insatiable need to contemplate its extraordinary conclusion forevermore.

*     *     *     *

‘The Bachelor Cookbook: Edible Meals with a Side of Sarcasm’ by Chris Gay

CJG Full Kindle Cover For Promotions

The Bachelor Cookbook is the perfect (and likely only) addition to any guy’s collection of sarcastic culinary literature. If you’re between relationships and looking to make the most of whatever foodstuffs you’ve got until you meet that next special woman, then your prayers have been answered. Unless you’re an atheist; in which case coming across this book just means your luck was in today. For men looking for sustenance over style, I give you this spectacular cookbook. Well, I don’t “give it” to you, per se. You have to pay for it.

Featuring such taste-bud tempting recipes as:

Popcorn Salad

Meat on a Bed of Rice

Cheese and Crackers

Spaghetti Sandwich

Plus Miscellaneous Cookbook Humor, too!

*     *     *     *

Chris Gay is an author, freelance writer, voice-over artist, broadcaster and actor. He writes and broadcasts a daily, minute radio humor spot in Hartford, Connecticut. He’s also written the paranormal, theological thriller novel Ghost of a Chance, the novella Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal, (an original, extraordinary short story on the great detective) and three humor books: And That’s the Way It Was…Give or Take: A Daily Dose of My Radio Writings, Shouldn’t Ice Cold Beer Be Frozen? My 365 Random Thoughts to Improve Your Life Not One Iota, and The Bachelor Cookbook: Edible Meals with a Side of Sarcasm. He’s been published nationally in Writer’s Digest and is currently writing his fourth, fifth and sixth humor books, Another Round of Ice Cold Beer: My 365 More Random Thoughts to Improve Your Life Not One Iota,  Something Witty this Way Comes and Politically Correct Movie Reviews.

Also, he’s writing the Ghost of a Chance sequel Perdition’s Wrath, and has written and voiced radio commercials, authored both comedic and non-comedic freelance articles, scripts, press releases, website, media and technical content, done occasional radio color commentary for local sports, and acted in a couple of movies and plays. His website is chrisjgay.com, and his humor blog can be found at chrisgay.wordpress.com.

Jpeg front cover with bleedsKindle Cookbook Cover 7.12.2013

book2book1CJGSherlock1c

Twitter: @chrisgay13

Movies:

2012: Hope Springs (Barfly)

2009: Testimonies of a Quiet New England Town (Constable John Gilbert)

25 Things I’ve Learned from Watching It’s a Wonderful Life

By Chris Gay1469975_10201000610079169_1984329585_n

1) In some bars, regardless of what you order you’ll get bourbon and like it.

2) During the time an angel is showing a man how his family and friends are affected by his no longer having been born, his current born/not born status somehow also determines whether or not it snows.

3) It’s a good idea for a financial institution to leave its safe, which is located in full view of the public and blocked only by a counter so easy to hurdle that its own CEO routinely jumps over it, completely unlocked and open.

4) Despite the almost comical number of Keep off the Grass signs a town places along the median strip of its main street, that is exactly where the townsfolk will choose to stand on or run across at every chance they get.

5) In response to being punched by a drunk who then runs off into the night, a senior police officer, while surrounded by hundreds of people, will pull his piece and, without really aiming, casually squeeze off multiple rounds through the center of town.

6) In some towns, snow will visibly remain on you and your clothes not only long after you’ve entered a home or business, but also while you’re submerged in a river.

7) When a man’s date is interrupted by an uncle driving up to him with urgent news, instead of offering her a ride back with them, he’ll leave the woman standing on the street in the dark of night wearing only a bathrobe.

8) A man who will otherwise do anything for anyone, will consistently mock and ignore the only friend in town who has, despite his annoying “Hee-Haw!” catchphrase, tried to legitimately make him rich throughout his entire adult life.

9) Unless you’re a relatively dim-witted angel, the type of tasks you’re assigned by Heaven to successfully complete in order to earn your wings are apparently not all that difficult.

10) A movie theater with the capacity to show only two films would rather its customers try and guess what the second feature is, instead of just listing it by its name below the first one on the marquee.

11) When a group of men arrive at a house to talk to its owner and find that neither he nor his wife are home, they’ll simply walk in and hang out in the living room.

12) The maximum depth of the Bedford Falls High School swimming pool is approximately four feet.

13) A town in which a man and an elderly angel can walk completely around and across in less than ten minutes needs a full-time taxi driver.

14) An uncle so daft as to forget his nephew’s wedding, which the entire town attends and occurs three blocks away, is the logical choice to be entrusted with handling the family business’s large cash transactions.

15) A police officer is able to leave a small town bridge during a blizzard and drive to the nearest airport to pick up a man who he didn’t even know was coming, then drive all the way back to that man’s brother’s house…in around eight minutes.

16) An old, blighted house with no windows intact, broken-fencing and a desperate need for grounds-keeping maintenance will be allowed to sit in its decrepit, condemnable state for years in the middle of a residential neighborhood.

17) An angel will somehow be able to acquire and read a book that was published 223 years after he passed away.

18) While on-duty, a town’s only police officer has plenty of time to spend on its outskirts hanging leisure and travel destination posters all over the house of a grown man.

19) A man’s impromptu workday can apparently be so busy, he’ll actually forget that he was married in an immense ceremony a few hours earlier.

20) A county will knowingly appoint its most unscrupulous, despised citizen head of the local draft board.

21) A man will get angry at his uncle for carelessly waving thousands of dollars around, even though both he and his wife did the same thing earlier in the back of a taxi.

22) A customer can sit at a drug store counter and eat the same chocolate coconut ice cream sundae for over an hour without it melting at all whatsoever.

23) There somewhere exists a newly married, nearly-broke man who would turn down the equivalent of a $300,000 annual salary plus extensive perks, to continue doing the same job for the equivalent $35,000.

24) A public financial institution is the best place for its senior officer to keep and let roam free his pet squirrel, raven, owl, dog and parakeet.

25) No one in Bedford Falls, including the owner of its only-and thriving- bar, apparently has enough credit to receive a small home loan from the town’s primary bank; begging the question as to how Henry F. Potter could be so filthy rich without seemingly ever lending out money to anyone. Even Ebenezer Scrooge lent money to the riff-raff.

God. The Devil. The Bet. The Fate of Mankind in the Balance. Check out Chris Gay’s new theological, paranormal crime thriller, Ghost of a Chance.

Ghost of a Chance Cover jpeg What if a late 20th Century Jack the Ripper tearing apart a small Connecticut town was the result of a pancake shop bet between God and the devil? Imagine if Satan’s impact on the world in the new millennium hinged entirely on one police officer’s skill in hunting down a ruthless killer…hiding in plain sight. Detective Danny Seabrook is an unwitting pawn in a divine chess match with immeasurable consequences for all mankind. Set primarily in 1995, this action-packed suspense thriller features clever dialogue, humor and romance-with an ending you will never forget.

*     *     *     *

‘Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal’ by Chris Gay #1(A!A)CJGSherlockHomesCoverCMYK1d

As the end draws near for long-retired Sherlock Holmes in Sussex Downs, he calls one last time for the company of his best friend and colleague, Dr. John Watson. What was meant to be four last days of camaraderie and reminiscing instead leads to the most shocking, explosive revelation both of the great detective’s career, and his life.

Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal is a Holmes tale like none other ever conceived. Fans of Baker Street’s legendary detective will be left with the insatiable need to contemplate its extraordinary conclusion forevermore.

*     *     *     *

‘The Bachelor Cookbook: Edible Meals with a Side of Sarcasm’ by Chris Gay

CJG Full Kindle Cover For Promotions

The Bachelor Cookbook is the perfect (and likely only) addition to any guy’s collection of sarcastic culinary literature. If you’re between relationships and looking to make the most of whatever foodstuffs you’ve got until you meet that next special woman, then your prayers have been answered. Unless you’re an atheist; in which case coming across this book just means your luck was in today. For men looking for sustenance over style, I give you this spectacular cookbook. Well, I don’t “give it” to you, per se. You have to pay for it.

Featuring such taste-bud tempting recipes as:

Popcorn Salad

Meat on a Bed of Rice

Cheese and Crackers

Spaghetti Sandwich

Plus Miscellaneous Cookbook Humor, too!

*     *     *     *

Chris Gay is an author, freelance writer, voice-over artist, broadcaster and actor. He writes and broadcasts a daily, minute radio humor spot in Hartford, Connecticut. He’s also written the paranormal, theological thriller novel Ghost of a Chance, the novella Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal, (an original, extraordinary short story on the great detective) and three humor books: And That’s the Way It Was…Give or Take: A Daily Dose of My Radio Writings, Shouldn’t Ice Cold Beer Be Frozen? My 365 Random Thoughts to Improve Your Life Not One Iota, and The Bachelor Cookbook: Edible Meals with a Side of Sarcasm. He’s been published nationally in Writer’s Digest and is currently writing his fourth, fifth and sixth humor books, Another Round of Ice Cold Beer: My 365 More Random Thoughts to Improve Your Life Not One Iota,  Something Witty this Way Comes and Politically Correct Movie Reviews.

Also, he’s writing the Ghost of a Chance sequel Perdition’s Wrath, and has written and voiced radio commercials, authored both comedic and non-comedic freelance articles, scripts, press releases, website, media and technical content, done occasional radio color commentary for local sports, and acted in a couple of movies and plays. His website is chrisjgay.com, and his humor blog can be found at chrisgay.wordpress.com.

Jpeg front cover with bleedsKindle Cookbook Cover 7.12.2013

book2book1CJGSherlock1c

Twitter: @chrisgay13

Movies:

2012: Hope Springs (Barfly)

2009: Testimonies of a Quiet New England Town (Constable John Gilbert)

It’s a Wonderful Life II: Mr. Potter Gets His

By Chris Gay 1469975_10201000610079169_1984329585_n

It’s a Wonderful Life is a treasured celluloid classic, with its annual broadcast eagerly anticipated by many. However regardless of the typical happy Hollywood ending, many viewers are still left unsatisfied with the evil Mr. Potter nearly ruining George Bailey’s life out of pure greed only to get off scot-free.

This humor blog post/sequel seeks to address that issue by theorizing what may have occurred after the good tidings wore off. We pick up the story just after George is given the money, and the townsfolk have finished singing their rendition of Auld Lang Syne in the Bailey’s living room.

By Chris Gay

“Oh, George. Wasn’t this just the most wonderful surprise?! The town really came through for us tonight; I couldn’t be more proud.”

“Yeah. They did. Could you hand me my hat, Mary?”

“Your hat? Where could you possibly be going?”

As George buttoned up his overcoat he turned to Mary and, under the cover of the drunken revelry in the background, answered her.

“When these guys sober up tomorrow they’re gonna realize how much dough they just coughed up here tonight. And in the clear light of day and without the influence of Christmas and its spirits, they’re gonna be irked.”

“Whatever do you mean, George? These people love you; they’d never ask for the money back!”

“Maybe not. But from here on out every time I stop into Martini’s for a cold one, I’m gonna hear his cracks about how he “busted the jukebox” for me. You think Sam Wainwright’s gonna ever let me live down that offer of $25K? I’ll be hearing that damn “Hee haw” line till the end of my days. No. Wherever I go in this town I’ll see the looks; the stares. And the people pouring into the Building and Loan trying to guilt me into dropping the interest rate on their mortgage. I’ll never live this down.”

As Mary had made no move to get his hat, he stepped around her, picked it up off the desk, and put it on.

“That’s an awful way to think, George! How could you? These people are your friends! And even if what you’ve said were true, how would trudging out into the snow solve anything?”

“It won’t, Mary.” He paused momentarily to scoop a mug of rum-soaked eggnog out of the bowl, and then downed in two quick gulps.

“But Uncle Billy finally remembered about the eight-thousand. That idiotic simpleton just handed it right to Potter. And that evil bastard just sat there in his office and mocked me while I begged him for a loan. He had my cash the whole time! The son of a bitch even called the sheriff!”

Mary put her hand to her mouth in surprise. “Oh my God. That’s…awful.”

“You’re damn right it is. I’ll be back in a while, Mary. Save me some of that turkey in the icebox, will ya?”

“Wait, George. What are you going to do?”

“I’m going to find that bastard and take eight-thousand dollars out of his ass!”

“You can’t!”

“I can. And save me some gravy, too.” With that George pushed his way through the crowd of inebriated do-gooders toward his front door, opened it, and stepped through.

Bedford Falls, Bedford River Bridge

The snowfall had intensified as Mr. Potter’s car pulled to a stop at the toll taker’s cabin in front of the Bedford River Bridge.

Before it could proceed, George Bailey stepped out of the shadows and walked to its front bumper. There he stopped, remaining silent and stationary. The lanky 6’4” banker, standing there in his hat and overcoat, made for an imposing figure.

From the back seat of his car, Henry F. Potter squinted as he tried to make out the the identity of the man before them.

“Joe, check it out.”

“Yes, sir.” As Joe exited, Potter rolled down his window enough to be able to hear the upcoming exchange.

Once out of the car, Joe recognized the man now facing him. Knowing that he had, George broke the momentary silence between them.

“I’m not here for you, Joe. Sit your ass back in that driver’s seat.”

“You know I can’t do that, Bailey. Either back up, or you’re going down.”

“Not tonight, bitch.”

From the open window in the rear of the car, Potter’s raspy voice cut through the wind.

“Bailey? What are you doing here? Get out of the way and let us pass!”

“Listen up, Potter. I know what you did and you’re gonna pay, you avaricious ass-clown. Just as soon as I dust your pet goon here.”

Potter went quiet as the grave, and only the roar of the Bedford River could be heard as George sized up Potter’s bulky manservant. Joe had the build and oft-broken nose of a man who may have boxed at one time or another.

But since that information was never disclosed in the story or on the DVD liner notes, he had no way of knowing for sure.

As the chauffer moved toward him, George realized the best approach was to go on the offensive. As soon as they were face to face he slugged him in the gut, causing Joe to double over. Immediately George followed the blow with an uppercut to the chin, knocking his opponent backward where he laid sprawled out on the hood of the car.

With the bout over, Bailey walked around the side of the car toward the back seat. He stood on the narrow sidewalk, his back two feet from the low steel barrier of the bridge he’d jumped off only hours earlier. He looked into the automobile and locked eyes with his nemesis.

“Your turn,” he growled in a sinister, yet still awkwardly shrill voice. As he reached for the door he noticed at the last second Joe lumbering at him through the snow like a linebacker; albeit not a very good one.

George used Joe’s own momentum against him by lowering his torso so that when Joe struck him it was shoulder to waist. In one beautiful maneuver Bailey stood up, bringing the butler with him. He hoisted him six feet off the ground, and then neatly flipped him over the guardrail, sending him plunging headlong into the raging, frigid waters of the river below.

Having fallen into the guardrail in the process of dispatching the caretaker, George got up, dusted the snow off his pants, and resumed walking toward Potter’s car door. Just then, he heard a voice to his left. Turning, he saw that it came from the cherubic of his guardian angel, Clarence Odbody, AS2.

“You can’t do this, George. You know that.”

“Why not?”

“Because I won’t get my wings if you do.”

“Jesus, man. Is that all you ever think about you, selfish SOB? After three hundred years, did you ever think that maybe you’re not cut out to be an angel? Maybe you could be a heavenly custodian or librarian. It’s obvious you’re too incompetent for the position.”

Clarence shrugged at him sheepishly. “It’s for the benefits, mostly. With your wings you get full dental and vision coverage.”

It was then that Potter chimed in. “Do I need to be here for this? Why don’t you guys go down to Gower’s drugstore, get a malted, and talk it out.”

George turned toward him. “Shut up, Hank. I’m going to tear you a new one.”

“Wait, George Bailey! I can explain.”

“There’s nothing to explain. You took my money.”

“Yes, yes I did. I took it. But it wasn’t my fault.”

From behind them, Clarence seconded Potter. “He’s right, George. It isn’t his fault.”

“What the hell are you two talking about?” He shouted, flustered.

“I had to take it, George. It was in the script.”

“The what?!”

“The script, George” echoed Clarence, who then took over the narrative.

“There is no Mr. Potter. That’s Lionel Barrymore. There’s no real snow, no Building and Loan, no Mary. She’s Donna Reed. In fact, it was supposed to be Jean Arthur in her part, anyway. There’s no eight-thousand dollars. And ‘Uncle Billy’ isn’t really a simpleton. In fact, he played the intellectual opposite to your own naïve congressman just seven years back in Mr. Smith Goes to Washington.”

“Don’t you remember, George?” Potter continued for Clarence. “You’re not even “George.” You’re Jimmy Stewart, a war hero from Indiana, Pennsylvania.”

George looked around for a moment, stunned. Then at last, he spoke. “So that’s why it’s snowing laundry soap in 90 degree weather; and why Mr. Gower looks so much like that guy who played Jesus Christ in The King of Kings.”

“Yes,” Potter jumped in. “I myself have played Ebenezer Scrooge several times. Hell, my great-niece was in E.T. Anyway, tomorrow the storefront sets come down, and you’ll go back to your comfortable home.”

George Bailey turned back to look at Clarence, as if to look for some further confirmation. “Clarence?”

“No, I’m Henry Travers. Soon, you’ll marry a model and live fifty more years. You see George, you really have a wonderful life.”

“I guess…I guess I do at that.”

“You’ve been given a great gift George. A chance to see what this sequel would’ve been like if it had been made in the 1990’s. All Steven Seagal-ish and whatnot.”

“Yes, I see. So what now Clarence? How do we fix this for the movie?”

“I don’t know. Maybe one of those cheesy dream sequences that sucked on Dallas but worked surprisingly well on Newhart. Anyhow, I’m an actor, not a writer. What the hell do I care?”

“And Joe?”

“He’s fine. He landed on a mat and then headed off to the commissary for lunch.”

“Tell you what,” Potter said, “let’s get out of here and head out for a few beers.”

“Sounds good to me,” Clarence said as the three of them walked off the set together. “By the way, Jimmy; where did you come up with “avaricious ass-clown”?

“I don’t know. I guess the line came from the guy writing this blog piece. Catchy though, ain’t it?”

The three of them shared a hearty laugh in agreement as the scene faded to black.

God. The Devil. The Bet. The Fate of Mankind in the Balance. Check out Chris Gay’s new theological, paranormal crime thriller, Ghost of a Chance.

Ghost of a Chance Cover jpeg

What if a late 20th Century Jack the Ripper tearing apart a small Connecticut town was the result of a pancake shop bet between God and the devil? Imagine if Satan’s impact on the world in the new millennium hinged entirely on one police officer’s skill in hunting down a ruthless killer…hiding in plain sight. Detective Danny Seabrook is an unwitting pawn in a divine chess match with immeasurable consequences for all mankind. Set primarily in 1995, this action-packed suspense thriller features clever dialogue, humor and romance-with an ending you will never forget.

*     *     *     *

‘Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal’ by Chris Gay

#1(A!A)CJGSherlockHomesCoverCMYK1d

As the end draws near for long-retired Sherlock Holmes in Sussex Downs, he calls one last time for the company of his best friend and colleague, Dr. John Watson. What was meant to be four last days of camaraderie and reminiscing instead leads to the most shocking, explosive revelation both of the great detective’s career, and his life.

Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal is a Holmes tale like none other ever conceived. Fans of Baker Street’s legendary detective will be left with the insatiable need to contemplate its extraordinary conclusion forevermore.

*     *     *     *

‘The Bachelor Cookbook: Edible Meals with a Side of Sarcasm’ by Chris Gay

CJG Full Kindle Cover For Promotions

The Bachelor Cookbook is the perfect (and likely only) addition to any guy’s collection of sarcastic culinary literature. If you’re between relationships and looking to make the most of whatever foodstuffs you’ve got until you meet that next special woman, then your prayers have been answered. Unless you’re an atheist; in which case coming across this book just means your luck was in today. For men looking for sustenance over style, I give you this spectacular cookbook. Well, I don’t “give it” to you, per se. You have to pay for it.

Featuring such taste-bud tempting recipes as:

Popcorn Salad

Meat on a Bed of Rice

Cheese and Crackers

Spaghetti Sandwich

Plus Miscellaneous Cookbook Humor, too!

*     *     *     *

Chris Gay is an author, freelance writer, voice-over artist, broadcaster and actor. He writes and broadcasts a daily, minute radio humor spot in Hartford, Connecticut. He’s also written the paranormal, theological thriller novel Ghost of a Chance and three humor books: And That’s the Way It Was…Give or Take: A Daily Dose of My Radio Writings, Shouldn’t Ice Cold Beer Be Frozen? My 365 Random Thoughts to Improve Your Life Not One Iota, and The Bachelor Cookbook: Edible Meals with a Side of Sarcasm. He’s been published nationally in Writer’s Digest and is currently writing his fourth and fifth humor books, Another Round of Ice Cold Beer: My 365 More Random Thoughts to Improve Your Life Not One Iota  and  Something Witty this Way Comes; the latter being a collection of pieces written for his humor blog. His book Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal, is an original, extraordinary short story on the great detective. Also, he’s writing the Ghost of a Chance sequel Perdition’s Wrath, and has written and voiced radio commercials, authored both comedic and non-comedic freelance articles, scripts, press releases, website, media and technical content, done occasional radio color commentary for local sports, and acted in a couple of movies and plays. His website is chrisjgay.com, and his humor blog can be found at chrisgay.wordpress.com.

Jpeg front cover with bleedsKindle Cookbook Cover 7.12.2013

book2book1

http://www.chrisjgay.com

Author Page on Facebook

Chris Gay Author/Writer/ Humorist on Facebook

Ghost of a Chance on Facebook

Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal on Facebook

https://chrisgay.wordpress.com

Twitter: @chrisgay13

Movies:

2012:

Hope Springs (Barfly)

2009:

Testimonies of a Quiet New England Town (Constable John Gilbert)

A Fabricated History of the First Thanksgiving

By Chris Gay 388982_3377538558968_401329802_n

Each November, millions of families and friends get together to give thanks on a holiday conveniently created for that very purpose. (October, if you’re Canadian. But that’s another faux history.) In honor of Thanksgiving, I’ve written a brief, albeit fictitious, history of Turkey Day. Enjoy.
 
The Freedom to Shop
 
During the early years of the 17th Century, Englishmen and women were subject to the overtly restrictive shopping guidelines set by the British Crown. When traveling out to purchase cheap, unnecessary trinkets for the upcoming Christmas holiday, the King’s subjects were limited to the few Royal strip malls that were mainly located around suburban London.
 
Most of the citizenry complied so as not to rock the boat, but for some who felt they should have the freedom to purchase as they saw fit, the frustration began to mount. These people were labeled “Pilgrims”, for their desire to be granted the right to make “Pilgrimages” to the United Kingdom’s big box stores deemed off-limits to the common folk.
 
The Secret Plan
 
These brave Pilgrims began to meet in secret to discuss ways to throw off the King’s heavy yoke, and end his persecution of purchasers purchasing unsanctioned purchases. Eventually, they opted to form a new settlement on the distant shores of the New World…America. But the burning question was, how could they ever afford a ship and the cost of supplies? Then, one day, it hit them. Sponsorship.
 
The Mayflower Compact
 
Ultimately, they were able to carry out their plan with sponsorship money from multiple sources. First, they contracted with the Mayflower Moving and Storage Company. This allowed them to stock the boat with food, clothing and first aid in exchange for the ship’s naming rights. Later, this became known as the Mayflower Compact.
 
The ship itself was built by materials donated by The Home Depot on the condition that upon arrival in Virginia, (the colony they were originally slated to settle in) the Pilgrims would grant them exclusivity rights to the entire Chesapeake Bay region. And also that the official Virginia state motto be permanently changed to “More Saving. More Doing. That’s the power of the Home Depot.”
 
The Voyage to America
 
In the summer of 1620, the Mayflower and her crew loaded on two sets of travelers; the British Shopping Separatists, and another group from Holland. The latter assemblage was added because the ship’s Captain, Christopher Jones, (No relation) thought the trip would go much smoother and the passengers more manageable if everyone on board had a steady supply of Dutch cocoa…and those tasty, cool-looking windmill cookies.
 
The trip lasted several long, arduous months, with the crew and passengers alike suffering everything from Cabin Fever to Scurvy. In fact, this might’ve been the one time a group of people would’ve been ecstatic if Life had handed them lemons. (Trust me, that joke will get funnier the more you think about it. Unless you’re stupid.)
 
At long last, the Mayflower came upon Cape Cod, Massachusetts, where it dropped anchor on November 21st. Captain Jones and future Plymouth Colony Governor William Bradford went ashore with a search party to find a Denny’s, as well as a place to establish their permanent settlement.
 
The question of why they didn’t continue south as planned was answered by Bradford’s journal entry dated 21 November 1620: “T’is unbearably cold. The journey took months longer than anticipated, and we are completely out of beer. Screw Virginia, I’ve decreed that we shall settle right here. Sorry, Home Depot. You win some, you lose some.”
 
Land Ahoy!
 
In early spring 1621, the remaining passengers joined the scouting parties on shore and built cabins on their new settlement grounds. Shortly thereafter, an English-speaking Native American named Samoset came by to welcome the settlers at the Plymouth Colony. He asked William Bradford if there was anything he could get them and, according to witnesses, Bradford replied: “Sure. How about some pumpkins, a little squash, a few turkeys…and the entire Eastern Seaboard?”
 
With the help of another English-speaking Native American, Squanto, the Pilgrims were able to not only successfully farm the land, but also pour the foundation for the very first Papa Gino’s fast food pizzeria in North America.
 
Summer of 1621
 
Throughout the summer of 1621, the Pilgrims labored furiously to erect their dream settlement. By early July, they had already constructed an Applebee’s, Ruby Tuesday’s and, for a taste of home, Arthur Treacher’s Fish & Chips.
 
By late August, the ‘Plymouth Colony Mall & Buckle-Focused Haberdashery’ was completed in its entirety. Its grand opening featured a ribbon-cutting ceremony attended by Neil Diamond, who happily performed ‘Sweet Caroline’ for the assembled crowd.
 
The First Thanksgiving
 
In November, Plymouth governor William Bradford extended an invitation to Wampanoag chief Massasoit (namesake of Massachusetts) to join the Pilgrims at a banquet to celebrate the success of their initial harvest, as well as the completion of the glamorous new mall and adjacent 18-theater Movie Cineplex.
 
For the main feast, Massasoit sent four men to the North Truro Boston Market (then known as Boston Chicken) to pick up the dinner they’d called ahead and ordered the day before. Bradford had planned to make popcorn as an appetizer, until his wife reminded him that they’d left their microwave oven back in England.
 
When they returned, the Pilgrims and Wampanoags gorged themselves on turkey, stuffing, mashed potatoes with gravy, cole slaw and the awesome macaroni and cheese Boston Market makes using that spiraled pasta.
 
Dessert was Dutch apple pie (forgot about that Holland group, didn’t you?) with a topping choice of Hood Cookie Dough ice cream, or Cool Whip.
 
Post-Feast Activities
 
After the meal had been eaten and the plastic plates and utensils placed in the recycling bin, the members of both groups retired indoors to watch the Dallas Cowboys play the Detroit Lions on a 52-inch HDTV Bradford had bought from Best Buy. By halftime, the effects of the poultry’s tryptophan kicked in and both the Wampanoags and Pilgrims alike had passed out asleep on the floor, and the three available couches.
 
Later that evening, both groups toasted each other continuously with huge mugs of Narragansett beer until Bradford broke up the party, announcing that he needed a few more hours of shuteye so he’d be rested enough to fight through the early morning Black Friday crowds.
 
The Day After
 
That Friday afternoon, after all the shopping had been done and the Christmas trees set up throughout the settlement, Bradford gathered his people around the ‘McDonald’s Gazebo’ in the middle of the ‘State Farm Insurance Town Square’ to address them
An excerpt from his journal entry that day chronicles his speech:
 
“Fellow Englishmen and Hollandaise; no wait, I think that’s a sauce. Fellow Englishmen and Dutch persons. Today we gather to celebrate the completion of a dream. We have at long last shaken off the reigns of Great Britain and here, in the New World, we can now shop where we choose without fear. This is what America is all about: Commerce. The freedom to buy what we want, where we want, when we want and in the quantities we want. However, for no reason whatsoever, aside from perhaps the perpetual annoyance of this blog post’s author, I resolve that liquor stores in the Colony of Connecticut will remain closed on Sundays for the next 400 years. Amen.”
 
And that my friends, is the fabricated history of the first Thanksgiving.

God. The Devil. The Bet. The Fate of Mankind in the Balance. Check out Chris Gay’s new theological, paranormal crime thriller, Ghost of a Chance.

Ghost of a Chance Cover jpeg

What if a late 20th Century Jack the Ripper tearing apart a small Connecticut town was the result of a pancake shop bet between God and the devil? Imagine if Satan’s impact on the world in the new millennium hinged entirely on one police officer’s skill in hunting down a ruthless killer…hiding in plain sight. Detective Danny Seabrook is an unwitting pawn in a divine chess match with immeasurable consequences for all mankind. Set primarily in 1995, this action-packed suspense thriller features clever dialogue, humor and romance-with an ending you will never forget.

*     *     *     *

‘Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal’ by Chris Gay

#1(A!A)CJGSherlockHomesCoverCMYK1d

As the end draws near for long-retired Sherlock Holmes in Sussex Downs, he calls one last time for the company of his best friend and colleague, Dr. John Watson. What was meant to be four last days of camaraderie and reminiscing instead leads to the most shocking, explosive revelation both of the great detective’s career, and his life.

Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal is a Holmes tale like none other ever conceived. Fans of Baker Street’s legendary detective will be left with the insatiable need to contemplate its extraordinary conclusion forevermore.

*     *     *     *

‘The Bachelor Cookbook: Edible Meals with a Side of Sarcasm’ by Chris Gay

CJG Full Kindle Cover For Promotions

The Bachelor Cookbook is the perfect (and likely only) addition to any guy’s collection of sarcastic culinary literature. If you’re between relationships and looking to make the most of whatever foodstuffs you’ve got until you meet that next special woman, then your prayers have been answered. Unless you’re an atheist; in which case coming across this book just means your luck was in today. For men looking for sustenance over style, I give you this spectacular cookbook. Well, I don’t “give it” to you, per se. You have to pay for it.

Featuring such taste-bud tempting recipes as:

Popcorn Salad

Meat on a Bed of Rice

Cheese and Crackers

Spaghetti Sandwich

Plus Miscellaneous Cookbook Humor, too!

*     *     *     *

Chris Gay is an author, freelance writer, voice-over artist, broadcaster and actor. For 7 years he wrote and broadcast a daily, minute radio humor spot in Hartford, Connecticut. He’s been published nationally in Writer’s Digest and has written the paranormal, theological thriller novel Ghost of a Chance, Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal, (an original, extraordinary short story on the great detective with a spectacular twist) and four humor books: And That’s the Way It Was…Give or Take: A Daily Dose of My Radio Writings, Shouldn’t Ice Cold Beer Be Frozen? My 365 Random Thoughts to Improve Your Life Not One Iota, and The Bachelor Cookbook: Edible Meals with a Side of Sarcasm & Another Round of Ice Cold Beer: My 365 More Random Thoughts to Improve Your Life Not One Iota. He’s written and voiced radio commercials, authored both comedic and non-comedic freelance articles, scripts, press releases, website, media and technical content, done occasional radio color commentary for local sports, and acted in a couple of movies and plays. His website is chrisjgay.com, and his humor blog can be found at chrisgay.wordpress.com.

1977287_10152267078273756_2109539589_n

http://www.chrisjgay.com

Author Page on Facebook

Chris Gay Author/Writer/ Humorist on Facebook

Ghost of a Chance on Facebook

Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal on Facebook

https://chrisgay.wordpress.com

Twitter: @chrisgay13

Movies:

2012:

Hope Springs (Barfly)

2009:

Testimonies of a Quiet New England Town (Constable John Gilbert)

Halloween Fun: My Obituary

By Chris Gay388982_3377538558968_401329802_n

October 31, 2137

 

Hartford County: Gay, Christopher J

 

Chris Gay, the local bestselling author and hugely popular radio/television personality who was well known for maintaining ruggedly-handsome good looks throughout his lifetime, passed away this morning at 165.

 

He leaves behind his impossibly-buxom 31 year-old wife, who said of her husband’s passing, “It’s obvious God needed a talented right-wing for His hockey team and He just couldn’t wait any longer.”

 

Christopher James Gay was born in Hartford, CT on July 21 to Susan and James Gay and, until Hollywood super-stardom came calling, had lived in Greater Hartford for most of his life.

 

For over two and a half decades, the 2002 Connecticut School of Broadcasting graduate worked soul-sucking jobs in retail and cubicle hell, where his disgust with political correctness, distaste for BS, and penchant for honesty kept him from advancement despite his titanic intellect.

 

He taught himself how to read by age four and, despite never having attended college, went on to become the literary voice of several generations. His talent for effortlessly shifting between comedy, sarcasm, and serious writing allowed him to provide a variety of literature to suit everyone’s tastes, and is what elevated him to his monumental status. It’s widely believed that he single-handedly reintroduced reading as a popular form of entertainment back into world’s consciousness.

 

His peerless voice and lightning-quick wit assured that he wouldn’t spend his lifetime entirely behind the keyboard. In 2014 his serious books Ghost of a Chance and Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal were optioned by Tinseltown, and subsequently made into blockbuster movies; ultimately winning Gay a pair of Best Screenplay Oscars for adapting his own books into scripts.

 

Having already appeared as a drunken lobsterman in the Meryl Streep/Tommy Lee Jones vehicle Hope Springs (2012) and a nearly illiterate 18th Century constable in Testimonies of a Quiet New England Town, (2009) Gay was the obvious choice to star as the hero in both of his own films, as well. Indeed, Ghost of a Chance still holds the #2 all-time box office sales record, second only to its own sequel, Perdition’s Wrath; (2015) the movie version of which Gay also wrote and starred in.

 

With his popularity soaring, Gay later simultaneously became America’s #1 radio and television talk show host. But he never forgot his roots, writing thirty-nine more novels and humor books for his adoring fans; as well as doing all he could to bring attention to his beloved Greater Hartford.

 

As the saying goes, women wanted him, and men wanted to be him.

 

In 2016, after having gone from a lifetime of rags to multi-billionaire status, he bought an NHL expansion team for Hartford, CT, named it the Whalers, and became the team’s first GM and head coach. In 2017, he became the first man to ever coach a first-year expansion team to the Stanley Cup Championship and, in fact, scored the Cup-winning goal himself after deciding on a whim to suit up and take an overtime shift in Game 7.

 

His media dominance continued for decades and, having little desire for big city life, the born-and-bred New Englander instead spent most of his non-working time shuttling between his oceanside mansion in Maine, lakeside mansion in New Hampshire, and garden variety mansion in central Connecticut.

 

On his 100th birthday, his home state honored him with a 21-foot solid gold statue on the grounds of the Old State House in Hartford, and also renamed a section of Manchester, CT “Christopherville.” In appreciation of the gestures, Gay arrived at the Old State House that day by water-skiing up the Connecticut River and performing an amazing jump onto its banks; where he then tossed $1,000,000 of his own money at intervals into the gathered crowd.

 

A lock of his incredibly thick hair-which never turned gray-and a picture of his sparkling blue eyes, will be placed on permanent display at the Smithsonian Institute so that future generations of women can see what they missed out on.

 

In 2086, Gay’s off-the-cuff suggestion to the Department of Agriculture resulted in an end to World Hunger.

To celebrate, he cut a song with the descendants of Stevie Wonder, Cyndi Lauper, Bruce Springsteen, and Dionne Warwick, which went double-platinum in its first week of release.

He donated his share of the profits to his fund for building heaters under I-84, so that Connecticut highway drivers could commute without fear of ice. Well, I mean going east and west, at least. He selflessly left I-91 as is, so that some other philanthropist would have the chance to get recognition for do-gooding.

 

Gay generously granted Medical Science’s request to be cryogenically frozen, in their hopes that they will someday be able to give him back to the world.

 

Reportedly, his last words were “I never did learn to iron properly; and I couldn’t care less. And incidentally, it’s “couldn’t.” When you say you “could care less,” it means that there is something you care less about, which is not what you’re trying to say. How could that not be obvious to everyone by now? And don’t get me started on ‘loser’ vs. ‘looser’ or ‘your’ vs. ‘you’re.’ It’s basic grammar, people; learn it!” After which, he expired peacefully.

In lieu of flowers, Chris Gay specifically left instructions asking mourners to buy dinner for random homeless people. That’s just the kind of guy he was.

God. The Devil. The Bet. The Fate of Mankind in the Balance. Check out Chris Gay’s new theological, paranormal crime thriller, Ghost of a Chance.

 

Ghost of a Chance Cover jpeg

 

What if a late 20th Century Jack the Ripper tearing apart a small Connecticut town was the result of a pancake shop bet between God and the devil? Imagine if Satan’s impact on the world in the new millennium hinged entirely on one police officer’s skill in hunting down a ruthless killer…hiding in plain sight. Detective Danny Seabrook is an unwitting pawn in a divine chess match with immeasurable consequences for all mankind. Set primarily in 1995, this action-packed suspense thriller features clever dialogue, humor and romance-with an ending you will never forget.

 

*     *     *     *

 

‘Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal’ by Chris Gay

 

#1(A!A)CJGSherlockHomesCoverCMYK1d

 

As the end draws near for long-retired Sherlock Holmes in Sussex Downs, he calls one last time for the company of his best friend and colleague, Dr. John Watson. What was meant to be four last days of camaraderie and reminiscing instead leads to the most shocking, explosive revelation both of the great detective’s career, and his life.

 

Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal is a Holmes tale like none other ever conceived. Fans of Baker Street’s legendary detective will be left with the insatiable need to contemplate its extraordinary conclusion forevermore.

 

*     *     *     *

 

‘The Bachelor Cookbook: Edible Meals with a Side of Sarcasm’ by Chris Gay

 

CJG Full Kindle Cover For Promotions

 

The Bachelor Cookbook is the perfect (and likely only) addition to any guy’s collection of sarcastic culinary literature. If you’re between relationships and looking to make the most of whatever foodstuffs you’ve got until you meet that next special woman, then your prayers have been answered. Unless you’re an atheist; in which case coming across this book just means your luck was in today. For men looking for sustenance over style, I give you this spectacular cookbook. Well, I don’t “give it” to you, per se. You have to pay for it.

 

Featuring such taste-bud tempting recipes as:

 

Popcorn Salad

 

Meat on a Bed of Rice

 

Cheese and Crackers

 

Spaghetti Sandwich

 

Plus Miscellaneous Cookbook Humor, too!

 

*     *     *     *

 

Chris Gay is an author, freelance writer, voice-over artist, broadcaster and actor. He writes and broadcasts a daily, minute radio humor spot in Hartford, Connecticut. He’s also written the paranormal, theological thriller novel Ghost of a Chance and three humor books: And That’s the Way It Was…Give or Take: A Daily Dose of My Radio Writings, Shouldn’t Ice Cold Beer Be Frozen? My 365 Random Thoughts to Improve Your Life Not One Iota, and The Bachelor Cookbook: Edible Meals with a Side of Sarcasm. He’s been published nationally in Writer’s Digest and is currently writing his fourth and fifth humor books, Another Round of Ice Cold Beer: My 365 More Random Thoughts to Improve Your Life Not One Iota  and  Something Witty this Way Comes; the latter being a collection of pieces written for his humor blog. His book Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal, is an original, extraordinary short story on the great detective. Also, he’s writing the Ghost of a Chance sequel Perdition’s Wrath, and has written and voiced radio commercials, authored both comedic and non-comedic freelance articles, scripts, press releases, website, media and technical content, done occasional radio color commentary for local sports, and acted in a couple of movies and plays. His website is chrisjgay.com, and his humor blog can be found at chrisgay.wordpress.com.

 

Jpeg front cover with bleedsKindle Cookbook Cover 7.12.2013

 

book2book1CJGSherlock1c

 

http://www.chrisjgay.com

 

Author Page on Facebook

 

Chris Gay Author/Writer/ Humorist on Facebook

 

Ghost of a Chance on Facebook

 

Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal on Facebook

 

https://chrisgay.wordpress.com

 

Twitter: @chrisgay13

 

Movies:

 

2012:

 

Hope Springs (Barfly)

 

2009:

 

Testimonies of a Quiet New England Town (Constable John Gilbert)

 

Dollar Store Flyers & Other Assorted Ridiculousness

By Chris Gay388982_3377538558968_401329802_n

Each year we seem to get collectively dumber as a society. Or, if we haven’t, we sure seem to be treated as if we are. As I look around lately I’ve noticed some things that, upon either first glance or reflection, make me feel like somebody out there thinks I’m a simpleton. Here are a few examples:

Peanut Allergy Warnings on Bags of Peanuts

Whenever you open up a bag of peanuts and happen to catch the Contains Nuts warning on the label, whom do you tend to feel sorrier for in that instant; our legal system, or our society as a whole?

‘No Diving’ Signs Above Health Club Hot Tubs

I guess that also explains the lack of any miniature life guard chairs.

The Word Ambulance Spelled Backward on Such Vehicles

I’d like to think that if I suddenly found myself being tailgated by a speeding ambulance, with sirens wailing, I’d be able to recognize it for what it was; regardless of whether or not Ambulance was spelled inversely.

No Refunds or Exchanges on Lottery Tickets

Admit it: At least once, after losing a huge $300 Million dollar jackpot, you’ve thought about going back to the convenience store and asking if they wouldn’t mind exchanging your ticket for one bearing the previous night’s winning numbers, instead.

Wash, Rinse, Repeat Shampoo Instructions

Have you ever noticed the Wash, Rinse, Repeat directions on a bottle of shampoo and wondered if, by comparison to the national average, you just had to be way smarter than you’d originally thought?

Corporate Voice Recording ‘Hang Up’ Instructions

Have you ever paid a bill or checked an account balance via phone then, when finished, heard the computer voice tell you: “If you’re through, press 9 to disconnect. Or just hang up the phone.” Thanks for the info HAL, but this ain’t my first rodeo.

Dollar Store Flyers

I opened the paper to a dollar store flyer and, curious to see if I was missing some point, I opened it up. Sure enough, every product shown had a listed price, in excessive font, of…$1. Thanks, guys. Next time though just send me a single sheet with that week’s available products. I’ll assume the price.

State Law Requires Motorists Yield to Pedestrians in Crosswalk

Tell me, in the absence of such a sign, does anyone really think he or she can mow down a pedestrian with a vehicle and then claim afterward, “Hey, what do you want from me? There was no sign.”

Bleach Bottles with ‘Don’t Use on Colors’ Warnings

If you didn’t already know that, why would you be buying a bottle of bleach in the first place?

CYA Warnings on Products Bought Specifically to Use for what they’re not intended

The King of such products has got to be Q-Tips. What percentage of its consumers do you think heed the Do Not Use in Ear Canal warning on its package?

Of course, this list could go on forever; but there’s a hockey game on in a few minutes and by leaving it open, it gives me a chance to write a sequel column somewhere down the road when I’m stuck for something original. Clever, huh? Clever, eh? The latter is for my Canadian readers.

*Some material above also appears in Shouldn’t Ice Cold Beer be Frozen? My 365 Random Thoughts to Improve Your Life Not One Iota 2nd Edition (Copyright 2011, Christopher J Gay)

God. The Devil. The Bet. The Fate of Mankind in the Balance. Check out Chris Gay’s new theological, paranormal crime thriller, Ghost of a Chance.

Ghost of a Chance Cover jpeg

What if a late 20th Century Jack the Ripper tearing apart a small Connecticut town was the result of a pancake shop bet between God and the devil? Imagine if Satan’s impact on the world in the new millennium hinged entirely on one police officer’s skill in hunting down a ruthless killer…hiding in plain sight. Detective Danny Seabrook is an unwitting pawn in a divine chess match with immeasurable consequences for all mankind. Set primarily in 1995, this action-packed suspense thriller features clever dialogue, humor and romance-with an ending you will never forget.

*     *     *     *

‘Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal’ by Chris Gay

#1(A!A)CJGSherlockHomesCoverCMYK1d

As the end draws near for long-retired Sherlock Holmes in Sussex Downs, he calls one last time for the company of his best friend and colleague, Dr. John Watson. What was meant to be four last days of camaraderie and reminiscing instead leads to the most shocking, explosive revelation both of the great detective’s career, and his life.

Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal is a Holmes tale like none other ever conceived. Fans of Baker Street’s legendary detective will be left with the insatiable need to contemplate its extraordinary conclusion forevermore.

*     *     *     *

‘The Bachelor Cookbook: Edible Meals with a Side of Sarcasm’ by Chris Gay

CJG Full Kindle Cover For Promotions

The Bachelor Cookbook is the perfect (and likely only) addition to any guy’s collection of sarcastic culinary literature. If you’re between relationships and looking to make the most of whatever foodstuffs you’ve got until you meet that next special woman, then your prayers have been answered. Unless you’re an atheist; in which case coming across this book just means your luck was in today. For men looking for sustenance over style, I give you this spectacular cookbook. Well, I don’t “give it” to you, per se. You have to pay for it.

Featuring such taste-bud tempting recipes as:

Popcorn Salad

Meat on a Bed of Rice

Cheese and Crackers

Spaghetti Sandwich

Plus Miscellaneous Cookbook Humor, too!

*     *     *     *

Chris Gay is an author, freelance writer, voice-over artist, broadcaster and actor. He writes and broadcasts a daily, minute radio humor spot in Hartford, Connecticut. He’s also written the paranormal, theological thriller novel Ghost of a Chance and three humor books: And That’s the Way It Was…Give or Take: A Daily Dose of My Radio Writings, Shouldn’t Ice Cold Beer Be Frozen? My 365 Random Thoughts to Improve Your Life Not One Iota, and The Bachelor Cookbook: Edible Meals with a Side of Sarcasm. He’s been published nationally in Writer’s Digest and is currently writing his fourth and fifth humor books, Another Round of Ice Cold Beer: My 365 More Random Thoughts to Improve Your Life Not One Iota  and  Something Witty this Way Comes; the latter being a collection of pieces written for his humor blog. His book Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal, is an original, extraordinary short story on the great detective. Also, he’s writing the Ghost of a Chance sequel Perdition’s Wrath, and has written and voiced radio commercials, authored both comedic and non-comedic freelance articles, scripts, press releases, website, media and technical content, done occasional radio color commentary for local sports, and acted in a couple of movies and plays. His website is chrisjgay.com, and his humor blog can be found at chrisgay.wordpress.com.

Jpeg front cover with bleedsKindle Cookbook Cover 7.12.2013

book2book1CJGSherlock1c

http://www.chrisjgay.com

Author Page on Facebook

Chris Gay Author/Writer/ Humorist on Facebook

Ghost of a Chance on Facebook

Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal on Facebook

https://chrisgay.wordpress.com

Twitter: @chrisgay13

Movies:

2012:

Hope Springs (Barfly)

2009:

Testimonies of a Quiet New England Town (Constable John Gilbert)

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