Ads, Ads, Everywhere!

There once was a simpler time; a time well before mine, in which advertisements were nostalgic and classy. Well, they weren’t nostalgic during their original run, of course; but to us now. Let’s not quibble, though. Ah…at long last, I’ve finally gotten to use quibble in a sentence. But I digress. I digress a lot.

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Ads have been with us seemingly forever; actually. And they have served useful purposes. They’ve been the lifeblood of the commercial TV, radio and newspaper mediums since their beginnings.

And frankly without their influence they, along with many other business entities, would’ve (and it is would’ve; there’s no such thing as would of, could of or should of. The ‘ve part is short for have. But as I’ve mentioned I digress a lot) failed before they even got started.

But now, frankly, they are out of control.

Generations before us had the extraordinarily clever Burma Shave ads, dish nights at movie theaters, a jolly, obese Santa Claus downing an icy Coca Cola, and dancing hot dogs at drive-ins. (look them up, Millennials) Today, they’re just annoying interruptions- and they’re everywhere, pitching everything. There is simply no escaping them.

Every time I pump gas, drive or even relieve myself at a concert or sporting event, I’m held hostage by ads for junk I don’t care about. Unless I’m in my personal abode, everywhere I go; everywhere I look, there they are.

Ever try to read a story on your smartphone or computer- and just give up due to the blizzard of pop-ups you’re showered with throughout its wholly unnecessary slide-show format? I’d bet you have.

It doesn’t stop there. Listening to the Yankees game and want to know the score? Sure thing. They’ll bring it to you directly from the Lowe’s Broadcast Booth.

The Buffalo Bills sideline injury reports are sponsored by a law firm. Hopefully the day never comes when we hear: “Looks like Smith snapped his spine and had both legs severed on the play. This report brought to you by the law offices of Dewey, Cheatem and Howe.* Back to you, John”.

During election season, lawn signs sprout up like crabgrass. Honestly, in the history of politics, has anyone ever opted to change his or her vote based on viewing a lawn sign? I’d place the Over/Under on that at, roughly, zero.

These days, it seems political lawn signs are far more likely to invite vandalism by supporters of the opposing party than to spark any change-of-heart introspection.

I love sports, but there are no words to describe how little I care about any given product just because it’s endorsed by any athlete. Okay, sure; I do have a George Foreman grill. And while Mr. Foreman is certainly charismatic and fun to watch, I got it only because it’s a darn good grill.

I could go on and on, (I didn’t even get to the blatant product placements in movies and television shows) but I think the length of my rant is now sufficient. So I’ll move along to another topic.

Oh, and if you liked my anti-ad post, be sure to buy my six books, available at my website and online retailers everywhere.

This post has been sponsored by chrisjgay.com. Chris Gay- a great writer, a great author, a great voice-over artist, a great actor…in fact, just a great guy all-around.

*Three Stooges reference

God. The Devil. The Bet. The Fate of Mankind in the Balance. Check out Chris Gay’s new theological, paranormal crime thriller, Ghost of a Chance.

Jpeg front cover with bleeds

What if a late 20th Century Jack the Ripper tearing apart a small Connecticut town was the result of a pancake shop bet between God and the devil? Imagine if Satan’s impact on the world in the new millennium hinged entirely on one police officer’s skill in hunting down a ruthless killer…hiding in plain sight. Detective Danny Seabrook is an unwitting pawn in a divine chess match with immeasurable consequences for all mankind. Set primarily in 1995, this action-packed suspense thriller features clever dialogue, humor and romance-with an ending you will never forget.

*     *     *     *

‘Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal’ by Chris Gay

CJGSherlock1c

As the end draws near for long-retired Sherlock Holmes in Sussex Downs, he calls one last time for the company of his best friend and colleague, Dr. John Watson. What was meant to be four last days of camaraderie and reminiscing instead leads to the most shocking, explosive revelation both of the great detective’s career, and his life.

Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal is a Holmes tale like none other ever conceived. Fans of Baker Street’s legendary detective will be left with the insatiable need to contemplate its extraordinary conclusion forevermore.

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*     *     *     *

Chris Gay is an author, freelance writer, voice-over artist, broadcaster and actor. For 7 years he wrote and broadcast a daily, minute radio humor spot in Hartford, Connecticut. He’s been published nationally in Writer’s Digest and has written the paranormal, theological thriller novel Ghost of a Chance, Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal, (an original, extraordinary short story on the great detective with a spectacular twist) and four humor books: And That’s the Way It Was…Give or Take: A Daily Dose of My Radio Writings, Shouldn’t Ice Cold Beer Be Frozen? My 365 Random Thoughts to Improve Your Life Not One Iota, and The Bachelor Cookbook: Edible Meals with a Side of Sarcasm & Another Round of Ice Cold Beer: My 365 More Random Thoughts to Improve Your Life Not One Iota. He’s written and voiced radio commercials, authored both comedic and non-comedic freelance articles, scripts, press releases, website, media and technical content, done occasional radio color commentary for local sports, and acted in a couple of movies and plays. His website is chrisjgay.com, and his humor blog can be found at chrisgay.wordpress.com.

http://www.chrisjgay.com

Author Page (on Facebook)

Chris Gay Author/Writer/ Humorist (on Facebook)

Ghost of a Chance (on Facebook)

Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal (on Facebook)

The Bachelor Cookbook: Edible Meals with a Side of Sarcasm (on Facebook)

And That’s the Way it Was…Give or Take: A Daily Dose of My Radio Writings (on Facebook)

Shouldn’t Ice Cold Beer Be Frozen? My 365 Random Thoughts to Improve Your Life Not One Iota (on Facebook)

Another Round of Ice Cold Beer: My 365 More Random Thoughts to Improve Your Life Not One Iota (on Facebook)

https://chrisgay.wordpress.com

Movies:

2012: Hope Springs (Barfly)

2009: Testimonies of a Quiet New England Town (Constable John Gilbert)

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Valentine’s Day: A Humorous Exposition

And here we are again. With barely enough time for the nation to have 12036753_10205276543134823_1249559569961522867_ncollectively recovered from its annual raucous Groundhog Day celebrations, along comes the granddaddy of all Hallmark Holidays: Valentine’s Day.

The Power of Frivolity

Somewhere, somebody’s great-grandchildren are probably still living off the residuals earned by whoever it was that first came up with the idea to create a dumb holiday around an obscure Saint. A holiday that somehow has the power to prop up the greeting card, chocolate, flower, restaurant and bed & breakfast industries annually for an entire fiscal quarter. To be honest that’s pretty impressive.

Too Much, Too Soon

Is it really fair that guys have to trek right back out and search for another “perfect gift” seven lousy weeks after Christmas? Not to mention (but I will) that those men who aren’t botanists, (all of us, for example) must once again try to decipher the overly complex Carnation Color Code Chart. Or figure out the difference between long and short stem roses while debating the necessity of ferns, ribbons- and whatever the hell baby’s breath is?

Once that stuff is corralled to the best of our abilities, we must then decide on where to make reservations. And as any man who’s ever lived will tell you, whatever restaurant he picks likely won’t be the right one; unless it’s called ‘I Don’t Know,’ ‘I Don’t Care’, or ‘Anywhere Is Fine With Me’. Which brings me to the next point…

A One-Sided Affair

Although there are always exceptions to any rule, this “holiday” clearly exists for the benefit of one gender which shall women nameless. Sorry, I meant remain nameless. Men really don’t care as far as they themselves are concerned, and are just happy if they can get past it with their spouses sufficiently contented. (Though if she leaves that Whitman’s Sampler around, there’s a good chance she’ll later discover that a couple of chocolates went AWOL.) If given a vote to mothball V-Day, polling places nationwide would resemble rugby matches, with guys rushing for the chance to pull that Aye lever. And why?

Because Good Men…

Because good men who love their significant others don’t need an over-hyped day to show that love. They don’t want to give a few corporations the power to try and guilt them into performing like automatons for the benefit of those corporations’ bottom lines. A good man will remember birthdays, anniversaries, et cetera, and treat his lady well throughout the year. And also make certain to take a few other random days annually on which he’ll do something extra special. And if he doesn’t-or if she doesn’t-maybe one, or both, are settling. Ponder that, if you will.

Cupid, Draw Back Your Bow

I’ve really got nothing much to say in this paragraph. It’s just that as I’m writing this, that catchy Spinners 70’s tune about the cherubic matchmaker popped into my head. And it’s only fair that I now try to stick it into yours for the rest of the day. You’re welcome.

Singles

As of this writing, I too will be among the millions of you this year who’ll be single on Valentine’s Day. And yes, I realize that on February 14th it’ll feel like the music’s stopped and we’re left without chairs. (Though how we could be missing millions of chairs I’ll never know. Maybe they’re hanging out with all of those dryer socks.) Anyway, don’t fret.

Someday, perhaps as soon as next year, you’ll be able to join in the fun and expense of this annual bacchanalia of February romance again. So for now, just bask in the happiness that can only be truly known through binge-eating Chinese food- and having a free reign over your TV.

And if that’s not enough, just remember that the return of McDonald’s Shamrock Shakes is just around the corner!

God. The Devil. The Bet. The Fate of Mankind in the Balance. Check out Chris Gay’s new theological, paranormal crime thriller, Ghost of a Chance.

Jpeg front cover with bleeds

What if a late 20th Century Jack the Ripper tearing apart a small Connecticut town was the result of a pancake shop bet between God and the devil? Imagine if Satan’s impact on the world in the new millennium hinged entirely on one police officer’s skill in hunting down a ruthless killer…hiding in plain sight. Detective Danny Seabrook is an unwitting pawn in a divine chess match with immeasurable consequences for all mankind. Set primarily in 1995, this action-packed suspense thriller features clever dialogue, humor and romance-with an ending you will never forget.

*     *     *     *

‘Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal’ by Chris Gay

CJGSherlock1c

As the end draws near for long-retired Sherlock Holmes in Sussex Downs, he calls one last time for the company of his best friend and colleague, Dr. John Watson. What was meant to be four last days of camaraderie and reminiscing instead leads to the most shocking, explosive revelation both of the great detective’s career, and his life.

Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal is a Holmes tale like none other ever conceived. Fans of Baker Street’s legendary detective will be left with the insatiable need to contemplate its extraordinary conclusion forevermore.

1977287_10152267078273756_2109539589_n

*     *     *     *

Chris Gay is an author, freelance writer, voice-over artist, broadcaster and actor. For 7 years he wrote and broadcast a daily, minute radio humor spot in Hartford, Connecticut. He’s been published nationally in Writer’s Digest and has written the paranormal, theological thriller novel Ghost of a Chance, Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal, (an original, extraordinary short story on the great detective with a spectacular twist) and four humor books: And That’s the Way It Was…Give or Take: A Daily Dose of My Radio Writings, Shouldn’t Ice Cold Beer Be Frozen? My 365 Random Thoughts to Improve Your Life Not One Iota, and The Bachelor Cookbook: Edible Meals with a Side of Sarcasm & Another Round of Ice Cold Beer: My 365 More Random Thoughts to Improve Your Life Not One Iota. He’s written and voiced radio commercials, authored both comedic and non-comedic freelance articles, scripts, press releases, website, media and technical content, done occasional radio color commentary for local sports, and acted in a couple of movies and plays. His website is chrisjgay.com, and his humor blog can be found at chrisgay.wordpress.com.

http://www.chrisjgay.com

Author Page (on Facebook)

Chris Gay Author/Writer/ Humorist (on Facebook)

Ghost of a Chance (on Facebook)

Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal (on Facebook)

The Bachelor Cookbook: Edible Meals with a Side of Sarcasm (on Facebook)

And That’s the Way it Was…Give or Take: A Daily Dose of My Radio Writings (on Facebook)

Shouldn’t Ice Cold Beer Be Frozen? My 365 Random Thoughts to Improve Your Life Not One Iota (on Facebook)

Another Round of Ice Cold Beer: My 365 More Random Thoughts to Improve Your Life Not One Iota (on Facebook)

https://chrisgay.wordpress.com

Movies:

2012:

Hope Springs (Barfly)

2009:

Testimonies of a Quiet New England Town (Constable John Gilbert)

Folklore Musings: The Loch Ness Monster & Bermuda Triangle

The Loch Ness Monster388982_3377538558968_401329802_n

Embedded within the Highlands of Scotland lies Loch Ness, an abyssal freshwater lake that has gained widespread notoriety due to its most reclusive inhabitant, Nessie. The “Loch Ness Monster.”

Perhaps the most integral question raised in the previous paragraph is, were it not for that damned salty lake in Utah, would writers get to bypass the silly requirement of specifying “freshwater” when referencing lakes in articles?

I suppose if there’s one salt lake, there must be another. But if there isn’t, that dumb condiment bog is creating a lot of extra work. But I digress.

Now, as this is a blog post and not a novel we’ll skip ahead hundreds of years and begin this speculation in the 20th Century.

Eye Witness Accounts

Some accounts dating back to the 1930’s had various people supposedly encountering an amphibious creature both in and out of the loch’s water.

These versions vary from the improbable-sounding to the ludicrously outlandish. Sure, perhaps the latter was somewhat hyperbolic. But it sounds good and I’ve never had the opportunity to use ludicrously outlandish in a sentence before.

At any rate as the saying goes, pictures, or it didn’t happen. Speaking of which, what a perfect segue.

Fake Photographs

An assortment of photos spanning decades have purported to depict Nessie. However, through various means many of these pictures were ultimately revealed to be fake.

But the truth is that every photograph was an authentic photo; it was merely the depicted content of some that turned out to be shams. And while in context that is an unnecessary and meaningless distinction, explaining the difference was exceedingly crucial in swelling the word count of this article.

The Loch Ness Monster Itself

If Nessie does exist, he’s/she’s kind of lame for a so-called “monster.” While you can reasonably expect monsters to maintain some semblance of seclusion, sooner or later the job description obliges them to come out and scare folks. Not play hide-and-seek over the course of a millennium.

Yet this one never does. Not even to the requisite group of annoying campers who goof-off during the day, and then pair up at night to fornicate in abandoned cabins. Per the countless reels of celluloid devoted to this, you’d almost think that’s a requirement.

It’s no wonder there are so few horror flicks made featuring this bloke. For God’s sake, at one point somebody even swam the entire lake at once without so much as a glimpse of a nefarious fin. Or tail. Or anything. That’s just plain laziness, Nessie.

Nessie’s Greatest Impact

Nevertheless, while the ol’ leviathan rarely puts in a public appearance, it doesn’t mean his impact isn’t still felt across the globe.

Nessie and his theorized likeness have been godsends for both the local tourism industry, and companies producing tee shirts and bric-a-brac. Whether he exists is irrelevant, because the dough he rakes in certainly does.

In fact, while he may appear to some as a seal, fish or Plesiosaur, in reality what he resembles most is a Cash Cow.

And don’t forget his American cousin Champ in Vermont’s Lake Champlain, who’s been evading cameras while filling coffers himself for decades.

So to all of you budding knick-knack entrepreneurs, remember: you don’t really need an actual dinosaur to prosper with a roadside stand. Just a lake and a legend.

The Bermuda Triangle

The Bermuda Triangle has long been a subject of great interest for many. Is it real? Does it exist? Well, sure. Miami, San Juan and Bermuda are three relatively equidistant points which together form a triangle. That’s no mystery, it’s just simple geometry.

Unfortunately, that’s the easy part.

For decades believers in Triangle lore have considered it to be some kind of Roach Motel, where transport vehicles check in, but they don’t check out.

However the reality is that if the amount of traffic it receives is taken into consideration, there’s not much difference between the Bermuda Triangle and the less famous Acapulco Misplaced Sock Trapezoid; an area of Acapulco Bay in which, legend has it, millions of missing socks lost in dryers the world over are hiding out.

While there’s never been any real proof of anything abnormal or supernatural regarding the Triangle, there is one interesting hypothesis that’s tough to laugh off, and it’s put forth by those who think  the fabled lost continent of Atlantis lies somewhere beneath the Triangle’s enigmatic waves.

If that’s true, then perhaps there are beautiful mermaids and cold beverages down there, too. In that instance I’m not too sure I’d want to go home, either.

The truth is that tales like this can be very beneficial. For instance they created shows like In Search Of…; thereby giving Leonard Nimoy something to appear in between television Star Trek, and motion pictures Star Trek, that didn’t require a bowl cut and applied prosthetics.

Besides, what would the world be without a little cool speculative fun to ponder every now and again?

*     *     *     *

God. The Devil. The Bet. The Fate of Mankind in the Balance. Check out Chris Gay’s new theological, paranormal crime thriller, Ghost of a Chance.

What if a late 20th Century Jack the Ripper tearing apart a small Connecticut town was the result of a pancake shop bet between God and the devil? Imagine if Satan’s impact on the world in the new millennium hinged entirely on one police officer’s skill in hunting down a ruthless killer…hiding in plain sight. Detective Danny Seabrook is an unwitting pawn in a divine chess match with immeasurable consequences for all mankind. Set primarily in 1995, this action-packed suspense thriller features clever dialogue, humor and romance-with an ending you will never forget.

*     *     *     *

‘Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal’ by Chris Gay

As the end draws near for long-retired Sherlock Holmes in Sussex Downs, he calls one last time for the company of his best friend and colleague, Dr. John Watson. What was meant to be four last days of camaraderie and reminiscing instead leads to the most shocking, explosive revelation both of the great detective’s career, and his life.

Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal is a Holmes tale like none other ever conceived. Fans of Baker Street’s legendary detective will be left with the insatiable need to contemplate its extraordinary conclusion forevermore.

*     *     *     *

‘The Bachelor Cookbook: Edible Meals with a Side of Sarcasm’ by Chris Gay

The Bachelor Cookbook is the perfect (and likely only) addition to any guy’s collection of sarcastic culinary literature. If you’re between relationships and looking to make the most of whatever foodstuffs you’ve got until you meet that next special woman, then your prayers have been answered. Unless you’re an atheist; in which case coming across this book just means your luck was in today. For men looking for sustenance over style, I give you this spectacular cookbook. Well, I don’t “give it” to you, per se. You have to pay for it.

Featuring such taste-bud tempting recipes as:

Popcorn Salad

Meat on a Bed of Rice

Cheese and Crackers

Spaghetti Sandwich

Plus Miscellaneous Cookbook Humor, too!

Click the book poster below to visit my website’s online bookstore:

1977287_10152267078273756_2109539589_n

Chris Gay is an author, freelance writer, voice-over artist, broadcaster and actor. He writes and broadcasts a daily, minute radio humor spot in Hartford, Connecticut. He’s also written the paranormal, theological thriller novel Ghost of a Chance, the novella Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal, (an original, extraordinary short story on the great detective) Santa Claus: Kris Kringle From Man to Myth, a unique, realistic take of a classic tale, and several humor books:Something Witty this Way Comes, And That’s the Way It Was…Give or Take: A Daily Dose of My Radio Writings, Shouldn’t Ice Cold Beer Be Frozen? My 365 Random Thoughts to Improve Your Life Not One Iota, The Bachelor Cookbook: Edible Meals with a Side of Sarcasm and Another Round of Ice Cold Beer: My 365 More Random Thoughts to Improve Your Life Not One Iota. He’s been published nationally in Writer’s Digest and is currently writing the Ghost of a Chance sequel Perdition’s Wrath. Chris has written and voiced radio commercials, authored comedic, non-comedic and sports freelance articles, scripts, press releases, website, media and technical content, done occasional radio color commentary for local sports, and acted in a couple of movies and plays. His website is chrisjgay.com.

Facebook

Twitter: @chrisgay13

Movies:

2012: Hope Springs (Barfly)

2009: Testimonies of a Quiet New England Town (Constable John Gilbert)

25 Things I’ve Learned from Watching James Bond Movies

By Chris Gay1531953_10201253358477721_1937314015_n

25) The U.S. military would actually sign off on a plan that allows a lunatic to waltz right into Fort Knox with an atomic device.

24) Highly-budgeted Casino Royale will be lavishly praised by critics, despite its climax being nearly identical to that of the Mel Gibson-Jodie Foster comedy Maverick.

23) There are haberdashers who will not only impeccably craft a bowler hat to your personal taste and comfort, but also customize it with a razor-sharp steel brim.

22) A secret agent will walk past a snake charmer and actually recognize that the guy is playing his own theme song.

21) The parents of gorgeous ‘60’s, ‘70’s & ‘80’s women were both cunningly creative and remarkably prophetic while naming their daughters.

20) MI6 will allow one single agent to bring the head of its organization to his secluded-and-fully-exposed home, let a treacherous villain and his gang of mercenaries know its exact location and then…provide no backup whatsoever and wait around to hear how it all turned out.

19) There exists people who are unable to notice a full-sized blimp flying so close behind them that a passenger can actually scoop them up right off the ground.

18) No matter where a secret agent goes in the world, be it a sunken ship or a cargo plane, there’s a better than average chance he’ll run into his boss sitting in an improvised-yet-fully-furnished office.

17) Neither a brilliant super-villain nor his team of pilots seem to have the capability of grasping the consequences of sudden cabin depressurization.

16) A satellite which could easily spot a 300 meter-wide satellite dish would not notice it being built into a massive lake that had been drained, cemented over, and refilled again.

15) A hundred miles from Earth with a space station crumbling around you is the best time to turn your focus toward celebrating a blossoming romance.

14) There are multi-billionaire newspaper magnates who believe that anonymously starting a full-scale nuclear war, just so their media empire can cover it, is a perfectly rational way to earn a little extra coin.

13) The British military actually allows milkmen to deliver to its top-secret safe houses.

12) A villain will be sadistic enough to set up an elaborate demise showcasing the evisceration of his adversary with a laser beam, but not be sadistic enough to stick around and watch.

11) Evil, bald, disfigured, cat-stroking megalomaniacal CEO’s who dismiss incompetent employees via piranha-infested indoor office ponds, are still overwhelmed with job applications for henchmen.

10) Q Branch has the capability to design the exact gadgets Bond will need for every predicament that he’ll find himself in during a mission…prior to that mission.

9) Two outwardly intelligent adults will look upon a flame-throwing tank with teeth literally painted on it…and actually believe that it’s a real dragon.

8) Two people sliding down a mountain in a cello case can outrun a small army of skiing mercenaries all the way into another country.

7) The best ways for a secret agent to maintain his anonymity are to ski off a mountain while employing a huge, Union Jack-adorned parachute, and to convert his submarine into a car then drive it directly out of the ocean and over the sand through a crowded beach.

6) With laughably-cheap eye prosthetics and a bad toupee, you can easily pass off a hairy, 6’2” heavily- accented Scottish man as Japanese, and no one will ever be the wiser.

5) There are casting directors and movie producers who truly believe that anyone, anywhere, at any time would buy Denise Richards as a nuclear physicist.

4) There are casting directors and movie producers who truly believe that anyone, anywhere, at any time would buy Madonna as a fencing instructor.

3) Regardless of strength or intellect, villains with peroxide-blond hair will have exceptionally short lifespans.

2) Hired mercenaries will still go to great lengths to carry out their contract on Bond even after the villain who commissioned them has been liquidated.

1) It’s seemingly an MI6 requirement that James Bond must dispatch his adversaries while simultaneously delivering a complementary wise-crack.

God. The Devil. The Bet. The Fate of Mankind in the Balance. Check out Chris Gay’s new theological, paranormal crime thriller, Ghost of a Chance.

Ghost of a Chance Cover jpeg What if a late 20th Century Jack the Ripper tearing apart a small Connecticut town was the result of a pancake shop bet between God and the devil? Imagine if Satan’s impact on the world in the new millennium hinged entirely on one police officer’s skill in hunting down a ruthless killer…hiding in plain sight. Detective Danny Seabrook is an unwitting pawn in a divine chess match with immeasurable consequences for all mankind. Set primarily in 1995, this action-packed suspense thriller features clever dialogue, humor and romance-with an ending you will never forget.

*     *     *     *

‘Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal’ by Chris Gay #1(A!A)CJGSherlockHomesCoverCMYK1d

As the end draws near for long-retired Sherlock Holmes in Sussex Downs, he calls one last time for the company of his best friend and colleague, Dr. John Watson. What was meant to be four last days of camaraderie and reminiscing instead leads to the most shocking, explosive revelation both of the great detective’s career, and his life.

Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal is a Holmes tale like none other ever conceived. Fans of Baker Street’s legendary detective will be left with the insatiable need to contemplate its extraordinary conclusion forevermore.

*     *     *     *

‘The Bachelor Cookbook: Edible Meals with a Side of Sarcasm’ by Chris Gay

CJG Full Kindle Cover For Promotions

The Bachelor Cookbook is the perfect (and likely only) addition to any guy’s collection of sarcastic culinary literature. If you’re between relationships and looking to make the most of whatever foodstuffs you’ve got until you meet that next special woman, then your prayers have been answered. Unless you’re an atheist; in which case coming across this book just means your luck was in today. For men looking for sustenance over style, I give you this spectacular cookbook. Well, I don’t “give it” to you, per se. You have to pay for it.

Featuring such taste-bud tempting recipes as:

Popcorn Salad

Meat on a Bed of Rice

Cheese and Crackers

Spaghetti Sandwich

Plus Miscellaneous Cookbook Humor, too!

*     *     *     *

Chris Gay is an author, freelance writer, voice-over artist, broadcaster and actor. He writes and broadcasts a daily, minute radio humor spot in Hartford, Connecticut. He’s also written the paranormal, theological thriller novel Ghost of a Chance, the novella Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal, (an original, extraordinary short story on the great detective) and three humor books: And That’s the Way It Was…Give or Take: A Daily Dose of My Radio Writings, Shouldn’t Ice Cold Beer Be Frozen? My 365 Random Thoughts to Improve Your Life Not One Iota, and The Bachelor Cookbook: Edible Meals with a Side of Sarcasm. He’s been published nationally in Writer’s Digest and is currently writing his fourth, fifth and sixth humor books, Another Round of Ice Cold Beer: My 365 More Random Thoughts to Improve Your Life Not One Iota,  Something Witty this Way Comes and Politically Correct Movie Reviews.

Also, he’s writing the Ghost of a Chance sequel Perdition’s Wrath, and has written and voiced radio commercials, authored both comedic and non-comedic freelance articles, scripts, press releases, website, media and technical content, done occasional radio color commentary for local sports, and acted in a couple of movies and plays. His website is chrisjgay.com, and his humor blog can be found at chrisgay.wordpress.com.

Jpeg front cover with bleedsKindle Cookbook Cover 7.12.2013

book2book1CJGSherlock1c

Twitter: @chrisgay13

Movies:

2012: Hope Springs (Barfly)

2009: Testimonies of a Quiet New England Town (Constable John Gilbert)

My More Realistic, Yet Still Fun, Bucket List

By Chris Gay 1531953_10201253358477721_1937314015_n

Someday I’d like to bravely:

•Walk through a shark-infested aquarium

• Play a guitar while telling jokes onstage in front of a huge crowd, & see how long it takes them to realize that I have no idea whatsoever how to play a guitar

• Ask a proud, family-owned pizzeria if I might special order two dozen authentic, Old World pies made just like my great-grandma used to & then, after they agree, tell them she was Lithuanian

• Accept defeat at a round of miniature golf in a manner proportionate to losing a round of miniature golf

• Walk into an Apple store & ask an associate where they keep the typewriter ribbons

• Call the manager of a Mall Food Court burger stand & stubbornly insist that his staff got my order wrong at the drive-thru

• Call every rock station in Cincinnati, Ohio & stubbornly insist that they put Dr. Johnny Fever back on the air

• Drive up to the front of an Antique Shop in a DeLorean, run in, & demand all of my stuff back

• Attend a baseball card show featuring mid-‘80’s ballplayers &, upon reaching their table, off-handedly mention that isn’t it extraordinary how much athletes’ salaries have skyrocketed since 1990

• Challenge myself to pour into the washer not a single drop of laundry detergent more than is instructed on the bottle

• Write the Hershey Corporation to request they discontinue both Mounds & Almond Joy because, after years of trying, I just can’t decide between them & no longer wish to try

• Take my watch to a repair shop & tell the owner that I need it set to Western Standard Time

• Request to perform the lengthiest song in a Karaoke DJ’s catalogue & then, after she calls me to the stage, lip sync to it

• Wait until a Karaoke DJ is completely overwhelmed, then walk over & demand to see his list of instrumentals

• Walk up to a Convent with a dozen roses, knock on the door & when someone answers, ask her if she wouldn’t mind seeing if Sister Catherine is ready, as we’re already running late for the movie.

• Drive into a parking lot blaring, at maximum bass & volume levels, an ‘80’s pop song like ‘C’mon, Eileen’ or ‘The Safety Dance

• Wear a monocle while out & about with jeans, sneakers & a tee shirt

• See if Pamplona also hosts an annual ‘Running of the Kittens’ &, if so, do that one instead

• Smugly ask a European when they finally plan on abandoning the Metric System for ours.

• Make a spectacle of successfully parachuting into my parking space from the curb

• Ask a shorter person if he or she’d mind getting me a grocery item from the bottom shelf for once, instead of it always being the other way around

• Come across one of those model-laden, late night Super Bra infomercials & see if at least just once I can bring myself to click past before it ends

• Shave my head completely bald, then walk into a barbershop & tell the barber not to shorten my bangs too much

• See if I can finish a 4 Meter Road Race

• Try & produce a neatly-signed book autograph with a quill pen & ink on the very first try

• Play chess by telephone during a thunderstorm that’s no closer than two counties away

• Notice a small grammatical error within an internet post of mine, & then see if I can let myself just leave it be

• Try to consume an order of chain restaurant chicken tenders in such a manner as to see if it’s scientifically possible to leave even an atom of sauce in the thimble-sized container that accompanies them

• Hang around an appliance store with a few paper towels till some customers ask to buy a self-cleaning oven, then walk over, introduce myself as Mr. Self, & ask if they think I’ll enjoy my new home

• Write to Lionel Richie & nicely ask if he wouldn’t mind getting me the autograph of an obscure Commodore

• Leave a restaurant buffet for home without trying to stuff down at least one form of dessert

• Finally put in the effort & patience to see if I can for once actually wrap a single present as well as any woman I’ve ever dated

• Waste not a second more time wondering if, after hearing an ad in which friends have an absurdly enthusiastic dialogue about a name brand of butter, a similar conversation has ever occurred between two people in real life at any point in recorded history

• Successfully pitch a Syndicate on the concept of a witty, cleverly written comic strip featuring nothing but stick figures so I could do the whole thing myself

• Graciously accept a compliment without instinctively tossing out a self-depreciative quip

• Know when to stop writing these occasional humor lists I craft for my blog without trying to think of just one joke more.

• No, really

God. The Devil. The Bet. The Fate of Mankind in the Balance. Check out Chris Gay’s new theological, paranormal crime thriller, Ghost of a Chance.

Ghost of a Chance Cover jpeg What if a late 20th Century Jack the Ripper tearing apart a small Connecticut town was the result of a pancake shop bet between God and the devil? Imagine if Satan’s impact on the world in the new millennium hinged entirely on one police officer’s skill in hunting down a ruthless killer…hiding in plain sight. Detective Danny Seabrook is an unwitting pawn in a divine chess match with immeasurable consequences for all mankind. Set primarily in 1995, this action-packed suspense thriller features clever dialogue, humor and romance-with an ending you will never forget.

*     *     *     *

‘Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal’ by Chris Gay #1(A!A)CJGSherlockHomesCoverCMYK1d

As the end draws near for long-retired Sherlock Holmes in Sussex Downs, he calls one last time for the company of his best friend and colleague, Dr. John Watson. What was meant to be four last days of camaraderie and reminiscing instead leads to the most shocking, explosive revelation both of the great detective’s career, and his life.

Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal is a Holmes tale like none other ever conceived. Fans of Baker Street’s legendary detective will be left with the insatiable need to contemplate its extraordinary conclusion forevermore.

*     *     *     *

‘The Bachelor Cookbook: Edible Meals with a Side of Sarcasm’ by Chris Gay

CJG Full Kindle Cover For Promotions

The Bachelor Cookbook is the perfect (and likely only) addition to any guy’s collection of sarcastic culinary literature. If you’re between relationships and looking to make the most of whatever foodstuffs you’ve got until you meet that next special woman, then your prayers have been answered. Unless you’re an atheist; in which case coming across this book just means your luck was in today. For men looking for sustenance over style, I give you this spectacular cookbook. Well, I don’t “give it” to you, per se. You have to pay for it.

Featuring such taste-bud tempting recipes as:

Popcorn Salad

Meat on a Bed of Rice

Cheese and Crackers

Spaghetti Sandwich

Plus Miscellaneous Cookbook Humor, too!

*     *     *     *

Chris Gay is an author, freelance writer, voice-over artist, broadcaster and actor. He writes and broadcasts a daily, minute radio humor spot in Hartford, Connecticut. He’s also written the paranormal, theological thriller novel Ghost of a Chance, the novella Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal, (an original, extraordinary short story on the great detective) and three humor books: And That’s the Way It Was…Give or Take: A Daily Dose of My Radio Writings, Shouldn’t Ice Cold Beer Be Frozen? My 365 Random Thoughts to Improve Your Life Not One Iota, and The Bachelor Cookbook: Edible Meals with a Side of Sarcasm. He’s been published nationally in Writer’s Digest and is currently writing his fourth, fifth and sixth humor books, Another Round of Ice Cold Beer: My 365 More Random Thoughts to Improve Your Life Not One Iota,  Something Witty this Way Comes and Politically Correct Movie Reviews.

Also, he’s writing the Ghost of a Chance sequel Perdition’s Wrath, and has written and voiced radio commercials, authored both comedic and non-comedic freelance articles, scripts, press releases, website, media and technical content, done occasional radio color commentary for local sports, and acted in a couple of movies and plays. His website is chrisjgay.com, and his humor blog can be found at chrisgay.wordpress.com.

Jpeg front cover with bleedsKindle Cookbook Cover 7.12.2013

book2book1CJGSherlock1c

Twitter: @chrisgay13

Movies:

2012: Hope Springs (Barfly)

2009: Testimonies of a Quiet New England Town (Constable John Gilbert)

25 Things I’ve Learned from Watching It’s a Wonderful Life

By Chris Gay1469975_10201000610079169_1984329585_n

1) In some bars, regardless of what you order you’ll get bourbon and like it.

2) During the time an angel is showing a man how his family and friends are affected by his no longer having been born, his current born/not born status somehow also determines whether or not it snows.

3) It’s a good idea for a financial institution to leave its safe, which is located in full view of the public and blocked only by a counter so easy to hurdle that its own CEO routinely jumps over it, completely unlocked and open.

4) Despite the almost comical number of Keep off the Grass signs a town places along the median strip of its main street, that is exactly where the townsfolk will choose to stand on or run across at every chance they get.

5) In response to being punched by a drunk who then runs off into the night, a senior police officer, while surrounded by hundreds of people, will pull his piece and, without really aiming, casually squeeze off multiple rounds through the center of town.

6) In some towns, snow will visibly remain on you and your clothes not only long after you’ve entered a home or business, but also while you’re submerged in a river.

7) When a man’s date is interrupted by an uncle driving up to him with urgent news, instead of offering her a ride back with them, he’ll leave the woman standing on the street in the dark of night wearing only a bathrobe.

8) A man who will otherwise do anything for anyone, will consistently mock and ignore the only friend in town who has, despite his annoying “Hee-Haw!” catchphrase, tried to legitimately make him rich throughout his entire adult life.

9) Unless you’re a relatively dim-witted angel, the type of tasks you’re assigned by Heaven to successfully complete in order to earn your wings are apparently not all that difficult.

10) A movie theater with the capacity to show only two films would rather its customers try and guess what the second feature is, instead of just listing it by its name below the first one on the marquee.

11) When a group of men arrive at a house to talk to its owner and find that neither he nor his wife are home, they’ll simply walk in and hang out in the living room.

12) The maximum depth of the Bedford Falls High School swimming pool is approximately four feet.

13) A town in which a man and an elderly angel can walk completely around and across in less than ten minutes needs a full-time taxi driver.

14) An uncle so daft as to forget his nephew’s wedding, which the entire town attends and occurs three blocks away, is the logical choice to be entrusted with handling the family business’s large cash transactions.

15) A police officer is able to leave a small town bridge during a blizzard and drive to the nearest airport to pick up a man who he didn’t even know was coming, then drive all the way back to that man’s brother’s house…in around eight minutes.

16) An old, blighted house with no windows intact, broken-fencing and a desperate need for grounds-keeping maintenance will be allowed to sit in its decrepit, condemnable state for years in the middle of a residential neighborhood.

17) An angel will somehow be able to acquire and read a book that was published 223 years after he passed away.

18) While on-duty, a town’s only police officer has plenty of time to spend on its outskirts hanging leisure and travel destination posters all over the house of a grown man.

19) A man’s impromptu workday can apparently be so busy, he’ll actually forget that he was married in an immense ceremony a few hours earlier.

20) A county will knowingly appoint its most unscrupulous, despised citizen head of the local draft board.

21) A man will get angry at his uncle for carelessly waving thousands of dollars around, even though both he and his wife did the same thing earlier in the back of a taxi.

22) A customer can sit at a drug store counter and eat the same chocolate coconut ice cream sundae for over an hour without it melting at all whatsoever.

23) There somewhere exists a newly married, nearly-broke man who would turn down the equivalent of a $300,000 annual salary plus extensive perks, to continue doing the same job for the equivalent $35,000.

24) A public financial institution is the best place for its senior officer to keep and let roam free his pet squirrel, raven, owl, dog and parakeet.

25) No one in Bedford Falls, including the owner of its only-and thriving- bar, apparently has enough credit to receive a small home loan from the town’s primary bank; begging the question as to how Henry F. Potter could be so filthy rich without seemingly ever lending out money to anyone. Even Ebenezer Scrooge lent money to the riff-raff.

God. The Devil. The Bet. The Fate of Mankind in the Balance. Check out Chris Gay’s new theological, paranormal crime thriller, Ghost of a Chance.

Ghost of a Chance Cover jpeg What if a late 20th Century Jack the Ripper tearing apart a small Connecticut town was the result of a pancake shop bet between God and the devil? Imagine if Satan’s impact on the world in the new millennium hinged entirely on one police officer’s skill in hunting down a ruthless killer…hiding in plain sight. Detective Danny Seabrook is an unwitting pawn in a divine chess match with immeasurable consequences for all mankind. Set primarily in 1995, this action-packed suspense thriller features clever dialogue, humor and romance-with an ending you will never forget.

*     *     *     *

‘Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal’ by Chris Gay #1(A!A)CJGSherlockHomesCoverCMYK1d

As the end draws near for long-retired Sherlock Holmes in Sussex Downs, he calls one last time for the company of his best friend and colleague, Dr. John Watson. What was meant to be four last days of camaraderie and reminiscing instead leads to the most shocking, explosive revelation both of the great detective’s career, and his life.

Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal is a Holmes tale like none other ever conceived. Fans of Baker Street’s legendary detective will be left with the insatiable need to contemplate its extraordinary conclusion forevermore.

*     *     *     *

‘The Bachelor Cookbook: Edible Meals with a Side of Sarcasm’ by Chris Gay

CJG Full Kindle Cover For Promotions

The Bachelor Cookbook is the perfect (and likely only) addition to any guy’s collection of sarcastic culinary literature. If you’re between relationships and looking to make the most of whatever foodstuffs you’ve got until you meet that next special woman, then your prayers have been answered. Unless you’re an atheist; in which case coming across this book just means your luck was in today. For men looking for sustenance over style, I give you this spectacular cookbook. Well, I don’t “give it” to you, per se. You have to pay for it.

Featuring such taste-bud tempting recipes as:

Popcorn Salad

Meat on a Bed of Rice

Cheese and Crackers

Spaghetti Sandwich

Plus Miscellaneous Cookbook Humor, too!

*     *     *     *

Chris Gay is an author, freelance writer, voice-over artist, broadcaster and actor. He writes and broadcasts a daily, minute radio humor spot in Hartford, Connecticut. He’s also written the paranormal, theological thriller novel Ghost of a Chance, the novella Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal, (an original, extraordinary short story on the great detective) and three humor books: And That’s the Way It Was…Give or Take: A Daily Dose of My Radio Writings, Shouldn’t Ice Cold Beer Be Frozen? My 365 Random Thoughts to Improve Your Life Not One Iota, and The Bachelor Cookbook: Edible Meals with a Side of Sarcasm. He’s been published nationally in Writer’s Digest and is currently writing his fourth, fifth and sixth humor books, Another Round of Ice Cold Beer: My 365 More Random Thoughts to Improve Your Life Not One Iota,  Something Witty this Way Comes and Politically Correct Movie Reviews.

Also, he’s writing the Ghost of a Chance sequel Perdition’s Wrath, and has written and voiced radio commercials, authored both comedic and non-comedic freelance articles, scripts, press releases, website, media and technical content, done occasional radio color commentary for local sports, and acted in a couple of movies and plays. His website is chrisjgay.com, and his humor blog can be found at chrisgay.wordpress.com.

Jpeg front cover with bleedsKindle Cookbook Cover 7.12.2013

book2book1CJGSherlock1c

Twitter: @chrisgay13

Movies:

2012: Hope Springs (Barfly)

2009: Testimonies of a Quiet New England Town (Constable John Gilbert)

You Might be a D-Bag if…

By Chris Gay1469975_10201000610079169_1984329585_n

You Might be a D-Bag if…

1) …you think that when 30 people are behind you is the best time to order a quarter pound of every single kind of luncheon meat displayed in your supermarket’s deli case.

2) …the last championship won by the team you constantly brag on occurred so long ago that, if human, it could legitimately buy itself a beer.

3) …rush hour be damned, you’re going to rubberneck that flat tire change.

4) …you pull right out in front of an oncoming car, & then proceed to drive 20 MPH below the speed limit in front of it.

5) …your vanity license plate reads ‘IMA DBAG.’

6) …you pull into a parking space directly facing a parked car whose driver is clearly on the phone, and then sit there for no reason with your headlights on.

7) …you go out of your way to use a term like ”holiday carols.”

8) …while seated in any crowded audience, you’re perfectly okay with just letting your un-silenced smart phone ring until whatever point the caller decides to hang up.

9) …your car is covered with more lecturing bumper stickers than it is paint.

10) …you think the No Talking, Please message on a movie theater screen applies to everyone but you.

11) …you park your car less than a foot away from the driver’s side door of another car in an otherwise deserted parking lot.

12) …you hold an elected office.

God. The Devil. The Bet. The Fate of Mankind in the Balance. Check out Chris Gay’s new theological, paranormal crime thriller, Ghost of a Chance. Ghost of a Chance Cover jpeg What if a late 20th Century Jack the Ripper tearing apart a small Connecticut town was the result of a pancake shop bet between God and the devil? Imagine if Satan’s impact on the world in the new millennium hinged entirely on one police officer’s skill in hunting down a ruthless killer…hiding in plain sight. Detective Danny Seabrook is an unwitting pawn in a divine chess match with immeasurable consequences for all mankind. Set primarily in 1995, this action-packed suspense thriller features clever dialogue, humor and romance-with an ending you will never forget.

*     *     *     *

‘Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal’ by Chris Gay #1(A!A)CJGSherlockHomesCoverCMYK1d

As the end draws near for long-retired Sherlock Holmes in Sussex Downs, he calls one last time for the company of his best friend and colleague, Dr. John Watson. What was meant to be four last days of camaraderie and reminiscing instead leads to the most shocking, explosive revelation both of the great detective’s career, and his life.

Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal is a Holmes tale like none other ever conceived. Fans of Baker Street’s legendary detective will be left with the insatiable need to contemplate its extraordinary conclusion forevermore.

*     *     *     *

‘The Bachelor Cookbook: Edible Meals with a Side of Sarcasm’ by Chris Gay

CJG Full Kindle Cover For Promotions

The Bachelor Cookbook is the perfect (and likely only) addition to any guy’s collection of sarcastic culinary literature. If you’re between relationships and looking to make the most of whatever foodstuffs you’ve got until you meet that next special woman, then your prayers have been answered. Unless you’re an atheist; in which case coming across this book just means your luck was in today. For men looking for sustenance over style, I give you this spectacular cookbook. Well, I don’t “give it” to you, per se. You have to pay for it.

Featuring such taste-bud tempting recipes as:

Popcorn Salad

Meat on a Bed of Rice

Cheese and Crackers

Spaghetti Sandwich

Plus Miscellaneous Cookbook Humor, too!

*     *     *     *

Chris Gay is an author, freelance writer, voice-over artist, broadcaster and actor. For 7 years he wrote and broadcast a daily, minute radio humor spot in Hartford, Connecticut. He’s been published nationally in Writer’s Digest and has written the paranormal, theological thriller novel Ghost of a Chance, Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal, (an original, extraordinary short story on the great detective with a spectacular twist) and four humor books: And That’s the Way It Was…Give or Take: A Daily Dose of My Radio Writings, Shouldn’t Ice Cold Beer Be Frozen? My 365 Random Thoughts to Improve Your Life Not One Iota, and The Bachelor Cookbook: Edible Meals with a Side of Sarcasm & Another Round of Ice Cold Beer: My 365 More Random Thoughts to Improve Your Life Not One Iota. He’s written and voiced radio commercials, authored both comedic and non-comedic freelance articles, scripts, press releases, website, media and technical content, done occasional radio color commentary for local sports, and acted in a couple of movies and plays. His website is chrisjgay.com, and his humor blog can be found at chrisgay.wordpress.com.

Jpeg front cover with bleedsKindle Cookbook Cover 7.12.2013

book2book1CJGSherlock1c http://www.chrisjgay.com Author Page on Facebook Chris Gay Author/Writer/ Humorist on Facebook Ghost of a Chance on Facebook Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal on Facebook https://chrisgay.wordpress.com Twitter: @chrisgay13 Movies: 2012: Hope Springs (Barfly) 2009: Testimonies of a Quiet New England Town (Constable John Gilbert)

The Sarcastic Writer Says:

By Chris Gay 1469975_10201000610079169_1984329585_n

1) Orange peels are waste products. Belts are waist products.

2) If you’re feeling blew, you’re almost certainly not feeling blue. Especially if you’re a guy.

3) The Book of Job is not the Bible’s classified section. It’s pronounced Jobe.

4) A pizza role is more like a product placement than an actual character portrayal. What you’re eating is a pizza roll.

5) Epitome is pronounced e-pit-oh-me. It’s not epi-tome; which I can only guess is some kind of First Aid device used on books with bee sting allergies.

6) You’re not sewing seeds. And if you are, you’re going to end up performing the least effective &/or most frustrating clothing repair job, like, ever. It’s Sowing.

7) The only time you’ll come across a windowpain is if you crash through one. It’s windowpane.

8) An undertoe might be some sort of unfortunate disfigurement, but an undertow is what you try to avoid while swimming.

9) Balling your eyes out sounds like an R-rated euphemism. If you’re crying hard, you’re bawling.

10) I’m no doctor, but I can guarantee you that no one in human history- no matter how sick -has ever fallen into a comma.

11) Looser is something that’s no longer as tight as it once was. A loser is someone who doesn’t understand the difference by now.

12) Wholly Trinity? Well that’s just stupid.

God. The Devil. The Bet. The Fate of Mankind in the Balance. Check out Chris Gay’s new theological, paranormal crime thriller, Ghost of a Chance.

Ghost of a Chance Cover jpeg

What if a late 20th Century Jack the Ripper tearing apart a small Connecticut town was the result of a pancake shop bet between God and the devil? Imagine if Satan’s impact on the world in the new millennium hinged entirely on one police officer’s skill in hunting down a ruthless killer…hiding in plain sight. Detective Danny Seabrook is an unwitting pawn in a divine chess match with immeasurable consequences for all mankind. Set primarily in 1995, this action-packed suspense thriller features clever dialogue, humor and romance-with an ending you will never forget.

*     *     *     *

‘Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal’ by Chris Gay

#1(A!A)CJGSherlockHomesCoverCMYK1d

As the end draws near for long-retired Sherlock Holmes in Sussex Downs, he calls one last time for the company of his best friend and colleague, Dr. John Watson. What was meant to be four last days of camaraderie and reminiscing instead leads to the most shocking, explosive revelation both of the great detective’s career, and his life.

Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal is a Holmes tale like none other ever conceived. Fans of Baker Street’s legendary detective will be left with the insatiable need to contemplate its extraordinary conclusion forevermore.

*     *     *     *

‘The Bachelor Cookbook: Edible Meals with a Side of Sarcasm’ by Chris Gay

CJG Full Kindle Cover For Promotions

The Bachelor Cookbook is the perfect (and likely only) addition to any guy’s collection of sarcastic culinary literature. If you’re between relationships and looking to make the most of whatever foodstuffs you’ve got until you meet that next special woman, then your prayers have been answered. Unless you’re an atheist; in which case coming across this book just means your luck was in today. For men looking for sustenance over style, I give you this spectacular cookbook. Well, I don’t “give it” to you, per se. You have to pay for it.

Featuring such taste-bud tempting recipes as:

Popcorn Salad

Meat on a Bed of Rice

Cheese and Crackers

Spaghetti Sandwich

Plus Miscellaneous Cookbook Humor, too!

*     *     *     *

Chris Gay is an author, freelance writer, voice-over artist, broadcaster and actor. For 7 years he wrote and broadcast a daily, minute radio humor spot in Hartford, Connecticut. He’s been published nationally in Writer’s Digest and has written the paranormal, theological thriller novel Ghost of a Chance, Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal, (an original, extraordinary short story on the great detective with a spectacular twist) and four humor books: And That’s the Way It Was…Give or Take: A Daily Dose of My Radio Writings, Shouldn’t Ice Cold Beer Be Frozen? My 365 Random Thoughts to Improve Your Life Not One Iota, and The Bachelor Cookbook: Edible Meals with a Side of Sarcasm & Another Round of Ice Cold Beer: My 365 More Random Thoughts to Improve Your Life Not One Iota. He’s written and voiced radio commercials, authored both comedic and non-comedic freelance articles, scripts, press releases, website, media and technical content, done occasional radio color commentary for local sports, and acted in a couple of movies and plays. His website is chrisjgay.com, and his humor blog can be found at chrisgay.wordpress.com.

Jpeg front cover with bleedsKindle Cookbook Cover 7.12.2013

book2book1

http://www.chrisjgay.com

Author Page on Facebook

Chris Gay Author/Writer/ Humorist on Facebook

Ghost of a Chance on Facebook

Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal on Facebook

https://chrisgay.wordpress.com

Twitter: @chrisgay13

Movies:

2012:

Hope Springs (Barfly)

2009:

Testimonies of a Quiet New England Town (Constable John Gilbert)

It’s a Wonderful Life II: Mr. Potter Gets His

By Chris Gay 1469975_10201000610079169_1984329585_n

It’s a Wonderful Life is a treasured celluloid classic, with its annual broadcast eagerly anticipated by many. However regardless of the typical happy Hollywood ending, many viewers are still left unsatisfied with the evil Mr. Potter nearly ruining George Bailey’s life out of pure greed only to get off scot-free.

This humor blog post/sequel seeks to address that issue by theorizing what may have occurred after the good tidings wore off. We pick up the story just after George is given the money, and the townsfolk have finished singing their rendition of Auld Lang Syne in the Bailey’s living room.

By Chris Gay

“Oh, George. Wasn’t this just the most wonderful surprise?! The town really came through for us tonight; I couldn’t be more proud.”

“Yeah. They did. Could you hand me my hat, Mary?”

“Your hat? Where could you possibly be going?”

As George buttoned up his overcoat he turned to Mary and, under the cover of the drunken revelry in the background, answered her.

“When these guys sober up tomorrow they’re gonna realize how much dough they just coughed up here tonight. And in the clear light of day and without the influence of Christmas and its spirits, they’re gonna be irked.”

“Whatever do you mean, George? These people love you; they’d never ask for the money back!”

“Maybe not. But from here on out every time I stop into Martini’s for a cold one, I’m gonna hear his cracks about how he “busted the jukebox” for me. You think Sam Wainwright’s gonna ever let me live down that offer of $25K? I’ll be hearing that damn “Hee haw” line till the end of my days. No. Wherever I go in this town I’ll see the looks; the stares. And the people pouring into the Building and Loan trying to guilt me into dropping the interest rate on their mortgage. I’ll never live this down.”

As Mary had made no move to get his hat, he stepped around her, picked it up off the desk, and put it on.

“That’s an awful way to think, George! How could you? These people are your friends! And even if what you’ve said were true, how would trudging out into the snow solve anything?”

“It won’t, Mary.” He paused momentarily to scoop a mug of rum-soaked eggnog out of the bowl, and then downed in two quick gulps.

“But Uncle Billy finally remembered about the eight-thousand. That idiotic simpleton just handed it right to Potter. And that evil bastard just sat there in his office and mocked me while I begged him for a loan. He had my cash the whole time! The son of a bitch even called the sheriff!”

Mary put her hand to her mouth in surprise. “Oh my God. That’s…awful.”

“You’re damn right it is. I’ll be back in a while, Mary. Save me some of that turkey in the icebox, will ya?”

“Wait, George. What are you going to do?”

“I’m going to find that bastard and take eight-thousand dollars out of his ass!”

“You can’t!”

“I can. And save me some gravy, too.” With that George pushed his way through the crowd of inebriated do-gooders toward his front door, opened it, and stepped through.

Bedford Falls, Bedford River Bridge

The snowfall had intensified as Mr. Potter’s car pulled to a stop at the toll taker’s cabin in front of the Bedford River Bridge.

Before it could proceed, George Bailey stepped out of the shadows and walked to its front bumper. There he stopped, remaining silent and stationary. The lanky 6’4” banker, standing there in his hat and overcoat, made for an imposing figure.

From the back seat of his car, Henry F. Potter squinted as he tried to make out the the identity of the man before them.

“Joe, check it out.”

“Yes, sir.” As Joe exited, Potter rolled down his window enough to be able to hear the upcoming exchange.

Once out of the car, Joe recognized the man now facing him. Knowing that he had, George broke the momentary silence between them.

“I’m not here for you, Joe. Sit your ass back in that driver’s seat.”

“You know I can’t do that, Bailey. Either back up, or you’re going down.”

“Not tonight, bitch.”

From the open window in the rear of the car, Potter’s raspy voice cut through the wind.

“Bailey? What are you doing here? Get out of the way and let us pass!”

“Listen up, Potter. I know what you did and you’re gonna pay, you avaricious ass-clown. Just as soon as I dust your pet goon here.”

Potter went quiet as the grave, and only the roar of the Bedford River could be heard as George sized up Potter’s bulky manservant. Joe had the build and oft-broken nose of a man who may have boxed at one time or another.

But since that information was never disclosed in the story or on the DVD liner notes, he had no way of knowing for sure.

As the chauffer moved toward him, George realized the best approach was to go on the offensive. As soon as they were face to face he slugged him in the gut, causing Joe to double over. Immediately George followed the blow with an uppercut to the chin, knocking his opponent backward where he laid sprawled out on the hood of the car.

With the bout over, Bailey walked around the side of the car toward the back seat. He stood on the narrow sidewalk, his back two feet from the low steel barrier of the bridge he’d jumped off only hours earlier. He looked into the automobile and locked eyes with his nemesis.

“Your turn,” he growled in a sinister, yet still awkwardly shrill voice. As he reached for the door he noticed at the last second Joe lumbering at him through the snow like a linebacker; albeit not a very good one.

George used Joe’s own momentum against him by lowering his torso so that when Joe struck him it was shoulder to waist. In one beautiful maneuver Bailey stood up, bringing the butler with him. He hoisted him six feet off the ground, and then neatly flipped him over the guardrail, sending him plunging headlong into the raging, frigid waters of the river below.

Having fallen into the guardrail in the process of dispatching the caretaker, George got up, dusted the snow off his pants, and resumed walking toward Potter’s car door. Just then, he heard a voice to his left. Turning, he saw that it came from the cherubic of his guardian angel, Clarence Odbody, AS2.

“You can’t do this, George. You know that.”

“Why not?”

“Because I won’t get my wings if you do.”

“Jesus, man. Is that all you ever think about you, selfish SOB? After three hundred years, did you ever think that maybe you’re not cut out to be an angel? Maybe you could be a heavenly custodian or librarian. It’s obvious you’re too incompetent for the position.”

Clarence shrugged at him sheepishly. “It’s for the benefits, mostly. With your wings you get full dental and vision coverage.”

It was then that Potter chimed in. “Do I need to be here for this? Why don’t you guys go down to Gower’s drugstore, get a malted, and talk it out.”

George turned toward him. “Shut up, Hank. I’m going to tear you a new one.”

“Wait, George Bailey! I can explain.”

“There’s nothing to explain. You took my money.”

“Yes, yes I did. I took it. But it wasn’t my fault.”

From behind them, Clarence seconded Potter. “He’s right, George. It isn’t his fault.”

“What the hell are you two talking about?” He shouted, flustered.

“I had to take it, George. It was in the script.”

“The what?!”

“The script, George” echoed Clarence, who then took over the narrative.

“There is no Mr. Potter. That’s Lionel Barrymore. There’s no real snow, no Building and Loan, no Mary. She’s Donna Reed. In fact, it was supposed to be Jean Arthur in her part, anyway. There’s no eight-thousand dollars. And ‘Uncle Billy’ isn’t really a simpleton. In fact, he played the intellectual opposite to your own naïve congressman just seven years back in Mr. Smith Goes to Washington.”

“Don’t you remember, George?” Potter continued for Clarence. “You’re not even “George.” You’re Jimmy Stewart, a war hero from Indiana, Pennsylvania.”

George looked around for a moment, stunned. Then at last, he spoke. “So that’s why it’s snowing laundry soap in 90 degree weather; and why Mr. Gower looks so much like that guy who played Jesus Christ in The King of Kings.”

“Yes,” Potter jumped in. “I myself have played Ebenezer Scrooge several times. Hell, my great-niece was in E.T. Anyway, tomorrow the storefront sets come down, and you’ll go back to your comfortable home.”

George Bailey turned back to look at Clarence, as if to look for some further confirmation. “Clarence?”

“No, I’m Henry Travers. Soon, you’ll marry a model and live fifty more years. You see George, you really have a wonderful life.”

“I guess…I guess I do at that.”

“You’ve been given a great gift George. A chance to see what this sequel would’ve been like if it had been made in the 1990’s. All Steven Seagal-ish and whatnot.”

“Yes, I see. So what now Clarence? How do we fix this for the movie?”

“I don’t know. Maybe one of those cheesy dream sequences that sucked on Dallas but worked surprisingly well on Newhart. Anyhow, I’m an actor, not a writer. What the hell do I care?”

“And Joe?”

“He’s fine. He landed on a mat and then headed off to the commissary for lunch.”

“Tell you what,” Potter said, “let’s get out of here and head out for a few beers.”

“Sounds good to me,” Clarence said as the three of them walked off the set together. “By the way, Jimmy; where did you come up with “avaricious ass-clown”?

“I don’t know. I guess the line came from the guy writing this blog piece. Catchy though, ain’t it?”

The three of them shared a hearty laugh in agreement as the scene faded to black.

God. The Devil. The Bet. The Fate of Mankind in the Balance. Check out Chris Gay’s new theological, paranormal crime thriller, Ghost of a Chance.

Ghost of a Chance Cover jpeg

What if a late 20th Century Jack the Ripper tearing apart a small Connecticut town was the result of a pancake shop bet between God and the devil? Imagine if Satan’s impact on the world in the new millennium hinged entirely on one police officer’s skill in hunting down a ruthless killer…hiding in plain sight. Detective Danny Seabrook is an unwitting pawn in a divine chess match with immeasurable consequences for all mankind. Set primarily in 1995, this action-packed suspense thriller features clever dialogue, humor and romance-with an ending you will never forget.

*     *     *     *

‘Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal’ by Chris Gay

#1(A!A)CJGSherlockHomesCoverCMYK1d

As the end draws near for long-retired Sherlock Holmes in Sussex Downs, he calls one last time for the company of his best friend and colleague, Dr. John Watson. What was meant to be four last days of camaraderie and reminiscing instead leads to the most shocking, explosive revelation both of the great detective’s career, and his life.

Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal is a Holmes tale like none other ever conceived. Fans of Baker Street’s legendary detective will be left with the insatiable need to contemplate its extraordinary conclusion forevermore.

*     *     *     *

‘The Bachelor Cookbook: Edible Meals with a Side of Sarcasm’ by Chris Gay

CJG Full Kindle Cover For Promotions

The Bachelor Cookbook is the perfect (and likely only) addition to any guy’s collection of sarcastic culinary literature. If you’re between relationships and looking to make the most of whatever foodstuffs you’ve got until you meet that next special woman, then your prayers have been answered. Unless you’re an atheist; in which case coming across this book just means your luck was in today. For men looking for sustenance over style, I give you this spectacular cookbook. Well, I don’t “give it” to you, per se. You have to pay for it.

Featuring such taste-bud tempting recipes as:

Popcorn Salad

Meat on a Bed of Rice

Cheese and Crackers

Spaghetti Sandwich

Plus Miscellaneous Cookbook Humor, too!

*     *     *     *

Chris Gay is an author, freelance writer, voice-over artist, broadcaster and actor. He writes and broadcasts a daily, minute radio humor spot in Hartford, Connecticut. He’s also written the paranormal, theological thriller novel Ghost of a Chance and three humor books: And That’s the Way It Was…Give or Take: A Daily Dose of My Radio Writings, Shouldn’t Ice Cold Beer Be Frozen? My 365 Random Thoughts to Improve Your Life Not One Iota, and The Bachelor Cookbook: Edible Meals with a Side of Sarcasm. He’s been published nationally in Writer’s Digest and is currently writing his fourth and fifth humor books, Another Round of Ice Cold Beer: My 365 More Random Thoughts to Improve Your Life Not One Iota  and  Something Witty this Way Comes; the latter being a collection of pieces written for his humor blog. His book Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal, is an original, extraordinary short story on the great detective. Also, he’s writing the Ghost of a Chance sequel Perdition’s Wrath, and has written and voiced radio commercials, authored both comedic and non-comedic freelance articles, scripts, press releases, website, media and technical content, done occasional radio color commentary for local sports, and acted in a couple of movies and plays. His website is chrisjgay.com, and his humor blog can be found at chrisgay.wordpress.com.

Jpeg front cover with bleedsKindle Cookbook Cover 7.12.2013

book2book1

http://www.chrisjgay.com

Author Page on Facebook

Chris Gay Author/Writer/ Humorist on Facebook

Ghost of a Chance on Facebook

Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal on Facebook

https://chrisgay.wordpress.com

Twitter: @chrisgay13

Movies:

2012:

Hope Springs (Barfly)

2009:

Testimonies of a Quiet New England Town (Constable John Gilbert)

A Fabricated History of the First Thanksgiving

By Chris Gay 388982_3377538558968_401329802_n

Each November, millions of families and friends get together to give thanks on a holiday conveniently created for that very purpose. (October, if you’re Canadian. But that’s another faux history.) In honor of Thanksgiving, I’ve written a brief, albeit fictitious, history of Turkey Day. Enjoy.
 
The Freedom to Shop
 
During the early years of the 17th Century, Englishmen and women were subject to the overtly restrictive shopping guidelines set by the British Crown. When traveling out to purchase cheap, unnecessary trinkets for the upcoming Christmas holiday, the King’s subjects were limited to the few Royal strip malls that were mainly located around suburban London.
 
Most of the citizenry complied so as not to rock the boat, but for some who felt they should have the freedom to purchase as they saw fit, the frustration began to mount. These people were labeled “Pilgrims”, for their desire to be granted the right to make “Pilgrimages” to the United Kingdom’s big box stores deemed off-limits to the common folk.
 
The Secret Plan
 
These brave Pilgrims began to meet in secret to discuss ways to throw off the King’s heavy yoke, and end his persecution of purchasers purchasing unsanctioned purchases. Eventually, they opted to form a new settlement on the distant shores of the New World…America. But the burning question was, how could they ever afford a ship and the cost of supplies? Then, one day, it hit them. Sponsorship.
 
The Mayflower Compact
 
Ultimately, they were able to carry out their plan with sponsorship money from multiple sources. First, they contracted with the Mayflower Moving and Storage Company. This allowed them to stock the boat with food, clothing and first aid in exchange for the ship’s naming rights. Later, this became known as the Mayflower Compact.
 
The ship itself was built by materials donated by The Home Depot on the condition that upon arrival in Virginia, (the colony they were originally slated to settle in) the Pilgrims would grant them exclusivity rights to the entire Chesapeake Bay region. And also that the official Virginia state motto be permanently changed to “More Saving. More Doing. That’s the power of the Home Depot.”
 
The Voyage to America
 
In the summer of 1620, the Mayflower and her crew loaded on two sets of travelers; the British Shopping Separatists, and another group from Holland. The latter assemblage was added because the ship’s Captain, Christopher Jones, (No relation) thought the trip would go much smoother and the passengers more manageable if everyone on board had a steady supply of Dutch cocoa…and those tasty, cool-looking windmill cookies.
 
The trip lasted several long, arduous months, with the crew and passengers alike suffering everything from Cabin Fever to Scurvy. In fact, this might’ve been the one time a group of people would’ve been ecstatic if Life had handed them lemons. (Trust me, that joke will get funnier the more you think about it. Unless you’re stupid.)
 
At long last, the Mayflower came upon Cape Cod, Massachusetts, where it dropped anchor on November 21st. Captain Jones and future Plymouth Colony Governor William Bradford went ashore with a search party to find a Denny’s, as well as a place to establish their permanent settlement.
 
The question of why they didn’t continue south as planned was answered by Bradford’s journal entry dated 21 November 1620: “T’is unbearably cold. The journey took months longer than anticipated, and we are completely out of beer. Screw Virginia, I’ve decreed that we shall settle right here. Sorry, Home Depot. You win some, you lose some.”
 
Land Ahoy!
 
In early spring 1621, the remaining passengers joined the scouting parties on shore and built cabins on their new settlement grounds. Shortly thereafter, an English-speaking Native American named Samoset came by to welcome the settlers at the Plymouth Colony. He asked William Bradford if there was anything he could get them and, according to witnesses, Bradford replied: “Sure. How about some pumpkins, a little squash, a few turkeys…and the entire Eastern Seaboard?”
 
With the help of another English-speaking Native American, Squanto, the Pilgrims were able to not only successfully farm the land, but also pour the foundation for the very first Papa Gino’s fast food pizzeria in North America.
 
Summer of 1621
 
Throughout the summer of 1621, the Pilgrims labored furiously to erect their dream settlement. By early July, they had already constructed an Applebee’s, Ruby Tuesday’s and, for a taste of home, Arthur Treacher’s Fish & Chips.
 
By late August, the ‘Plymouth Colony Mall & Buckle-Focused Haberdashery’ was completed in its entirety. Its grand opening featured a ribbon-cutting ceremony attended by Neil Diamond, who happily performed ‘Sweet Caroline’ for the assembled crowd.
 
The First Thanksgiving
 
In November, Plymouth governor William Bradford extended an invitation to Wampanoag chief Massasoit (namesake of Massachusetts) to join the Pilgrims at a banquet to celebrate the success of their initial harvest, as well as the completion of the glamorous new mall and adjacent 18-theater Movie Cineplex.
 
For the main feast, Massasoit sent four men to the North Truro Boston Market (then known as Boston Chicken) to pick up the dinner they’d called ahead and ordered the day before. Bradford had planned to make popcorn as an appetizer, until his wife reminded him that they’d left their microwave oven back in England.
 
When they returned, the Pilgrims and Wampanoags gorged themselves on turkey, stuffing, mashed potatoes with gravy, cole slaw and the awesome macaroni and cheese Boston Market makes using that spiraled pasta.
 
Dessert was Dutch apple pie (forgot about that Holland group, didn’t you?) with a topping choice of Hood Cookie Dough ice cream, or Cool Whip.
 
Post-Feast Activities
 
After the meal had been eaten and the plastic plates and utensils placed in the recycling bin, the members of both groups retired indoors to watch the Dallas Cowboys play the Detroit Lions on a 52-inch HDTV Bradford had bought from Best Buy. By halftime, the effects of the poultry’s tryptophan kicked in and both the Wampanoags and Pilgrims alike had passed out asleep on the floor, and the three available couches.
 
Later that evening, both groups toasted each other continuously with huge mugs of Narragansett beer until Bradford broke up the party, announcing that he needed a few more hours of shuteye so he’d be rested enough to fight through the early morning Black Friday crowds.
 
The Day After
 
That Friday afternoon, after all the shopping had been done and the Christmas trees set up throughout the settlement, Bradford gathered his people around the ‘McDonald’s Gazebo’ in the middle of the ‘State Farm Insurance Town Square’ to address them
An excerpt from his journal entry that day chronicles his speech:
 
“Fellow Englishmen and Hollandaise; no wait, I think that’s a sauce. Fellow Englishmen and Dutch persons. Today we gather to celebrate the completion of a dream. We have at long last shaken off the reigns of Great Britain and here, in the New World, we can now shop where we choose without fear. This is what America is all about: Commerce. The freedom to buy what we want, where we want, when we want and in the quantities we want. However, for no reason whatsoever, aside from perhaps the perpetual annoyance of this blog post’s author, I resolve that liquor stores in the Colony of Connecticut will remain closed on Sundays for the next 400 years. Amen.”
 
And that my friends, is the fabricated history of the first Thanksgiving.

God. The Devil. The Bet. The Fate of Mankind in the Balance. Check out Chris Gay’s new theological, paranormal crime thriller, Ghost of a Chance.

Ghost of a Chance Cover jpeg

What if a late 20th Century Jack the Ripper tearing apart a small Connecticut town was the result of a pancake shop bet between God and the devil? Imagine if Satan’s impact on the world in the new millennium hinged entirely on one police officer’s skill in hunting down a ruthless killer…hiding in plain sight. Detective Danny Seabrook is an unwitting pawn in a divine chess match with immeasurable consequences for all mankind. Set primarily in 1995, this action-packed suspense thriller features clever dialogue, humor and romance-with an ending you will never forget.

*     *     *     *

‘Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal’ by Chris Gay

#1(A!A)CJGSherlockHomesCoverCMYK1d

As the end draws near for long-retired Sherlock Holmes in Sussex Downs, he calls one last time for the company of his best friend and colleague, Dr. John Watson. What was meant to be four last days of camaraderie and reminiscing instead leads to the most shocking, explosive revelation both of the great detective’s career, and his life.

Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal is a Holmes tale like none other ever conceived. Fans of Baker Street’s legendary detective will be left with the insatiable need to contemplate its extraordinary conclusion forevermore.

*     *     *     *

‘The Bachelor Cookbook: Edible Meals with a Side of Sarcasm’ by Chris Gay

CJG Full Kindle Cover For Promotions

The Bachelor Cookbook is the perfect (and likely only) addition to any guy’s collection of sarcastic culinary literature. If you’re between relationships and looking to make the most of whatever foodstuffs you’ve got until you meet that next special woman, then your prayers have been answered. Unless you’re an atheist; in which case coming across this book just means your luck was in today. For men looking for sustenance over style, I give you this spectacular cookbook. Well, I don’t “give it” to you, per se. You have to pay for it.

Featuring such taste-bud tempting recipes as:

Popcorn Salad

Meat on a Bed of Rice

Cheese and Crackers

Spaghetti Sandwich

Plus Miscellaneous Cookbook Humor, too!

*     *     *     *

Chris Gay is an author, freelance writer, voice-over artist, broadcaster and actor. For 7 years he wrote and broadcast a daily, minute radio humor spot in Hartford, Connecticut. He’s been published nationally in Writer’s Digest and has written the paranormal, theological thriller novel Ghost of a Chance, Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal, (an original, extraordinary short story on the great detective with a spectacular twist) and four humor books: And That’s the Way It Was…Give or Take: A Daily Dose of My Radio Writings, Shouldn’t Ice Cold Beer Be Frozen? My 365 Random Thoughts to Improve Your Life Not One Iota, and The Bachelor Cookbook: Edible Meals with a Side of Sarcasm & Another Round of Ice Cold Beer: My 365 More Random Thoughts to Improve Your Life Not One Iota. He’s written and voiced radio commercials, authored both comedic and non-comedic freelance articles, scripts, press releases, website, media and technical content, done occasional radio color commentary for local sports, and acted in a couple of movies and plays. His website is chrisjgay.com, and his humor blog can be found at chrisgay.wordpress.com.

1977287_10152267078273756_2109539589_n

http://www.chrisjgay.com

Author Page on Facebook

Chris Gay Author/Writer/ Humorist on Facebook

Ghost of a Chance on Facebook

Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal on Facebook

https://chrisgay.wordpress.com

Twitter: @chrisgay13

Movies:

2012:

Hope Springs (Barfly)

2009:

Testimonies of a Quiet New England Town (Constable John Gilbert)

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