By Chris Gay
1) Orange peels are waste products. Belts are waist products.
2) If you’re feeling blew, you’re almost certainly not feeling blue. Especially if you’re a guy.
3) The Book of Job is not the Bible’s classified section. It’s pronounced Jobe.
4) A pizza role is more like a product placement than an actual character portrayal. What you’re eating is a pizza roll.
5) Epitome is pronounced e-pit-oh-me. It’s not epi-tome; which I can only guess is some kind of First Aid device used on books with bee sting allergies.
6) You’re not sewing seeds. And if you are, you’re going to end up performing the least effective &/or most frustrating clothing repair job, like, ever. It’s Sowing.
7) The only time you’ll come across a windowpain is if you crash through one. It’s windowpane.
8) An undertoe might be some sort of unfortunate disfigurement, but an undertow is what you try to avoid while swimming.
9) Balling your eyes out sounds like an R-rated euphemism. If you’re crying hard, you’re bawling.
10) I’m no doctor, but I can guarantee you that no one in human history- no matter how sick -has ever fallen into a comma.
11) Looser is something that’s no longer as tight as it once was. A loser is someone who doesn’t understand the difference by now.
12) Wholly Trinity? Well that’s just stupid.
What if a late 20th Century Jack the Ripper tearing apart a small Connecticut town was the result of a pancake shop bet between God and the devil? Imagine if Satan’s impact on the world in the new millennium hinged entirely on one police officer’s skill in hunting down a ruthless killer…hiding in plain sight. Detective Danny Seabrook is an unwitting pawn in a divine chess match with immeasurable consequences for all mankind. Set primarily in 1995, this action-packed suspense thriller features clever dialogue, humor and romance-with an ending you will never forget.
* * * *
As the end draws near for long-retired Sherlock Holmes in Sussex Downs, he calls one last time for the company of his best friend and colleague, Dr. John Watson. What was meant to be four last days of camaraderie and reminiscing instead leads to the most shocking, explosive revelation both of the great detective’s career, and his life.
Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal is a Holmes tale like none other ever conceived. Fans of Baker Street’s legendary detective will be left with the insatiable need to contemplate its extraordinary conclusion forevermore.
* * * *
The Bachelor Cookbook is the perfect (and likely only) addition to any guy’s collection of sarcastic culinary literature. If you’re between relationships and looking to make the most of whatever foodstuffs you’ve got until you meet that next special woman, then your prayers have been answered. Unless you’re an atheist; in which case coming across this book just means your luck was in today. For men looking for sustenance over style, I give you this spectacular cookbook. Well, I don’t “give it” to you, per se. You have to pay for it.
Featuring such taste-bud tempting recipes as:
Meat on a Bed of Rice
Cheese and Crackers
Plus Miscellaneous Cookbook Humor, too!
* * * *
Chris Gay is an author, freelance writer, voice-over artist, broadcaster and actor. For 7 years he wrote and broadcast a daily, minute radio humor spot in Hartford, Connecticut. He’s been published nationally in Writer’s Digest and has written the paranormal, theological thriller novel Ghost of a Chance, Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal, (an original, extraordinary short story on the great detective with a spectacular twist) and four humor books: And That’s the Way It Was…Give or Take: A Daily Dose of My Radio Writings, Shouldn’t Ice Cold Beer Be Frozen? My 365 Random Thoughts to Improve Your Life Not One Iota, and The Bachelor Cookbook: Edible Meals with a Side of Sarcasm & Another Round of Ice Cold Beer: My 365 More Random Thoughts to Improve Your Life Not One Iota. He’s written and voiced radio commercials, authored both comedic and non-comedic freelance articles, scripts, press releases, website, media and technical content, done occasional radio color commentary for local sports, and acted in a couple of movies and plays. His website is chrisjgay.com, and his humor blog can be found at chrisgay.wordpress.com.
Hope Springs (Barfly)