25) A planet can be located within close proximity of two massive suns & not have a surface temperature of, like, 500 degrees Fahrenheit.
24) Cantina bands apparently don’t spend all that much time working on new material.
23) In galaxies far, far away, even moderately decent dialogue isn’t all that much of a priority.
22) The Emperor of this particular galaxy seems to possess the ability to foresee everything…except that one time his top subordinate will lift up & fling him into that bottomless abyss.
21) For those Jedi deemed the Chosen Ones, it pays to be left-handed.
20) It’s unclear as to whether Sith Lords fully understand the word Destiny as, generally speaking, they really don’t fluctuate all that much.
19) Despite emerging victorious in two out of three movies, no one in the Rebel Alliance ever seems to have a good feeling about anything.
18) A ruling-class space slug will build a fully caged-in rock pit for his carnivorous pet dinosaur, yet also build a massive, unnecessary steel door within it for seemingly no other reason than to give an adversarial Jedi a credible method in which to dispatch it.
17) When the helmet of a human cyborg is removed, his British accent will immediately become American.
16) The Princesses in some galaxies are far more blue collar than they are in others.
15) Wookies can apparently speak an entire language using, roughly, five different growls.
14) Little emphasis seems to be placed on the Marksmanship section of Stormtrooper Employee Entrance Exams.
13) Some of those X-Wing fighters get an astonishing amount of miles per gallon.
12) I guess depending on its mood, a light saber can either vaporize you entirely out of your incarnate existence or merely sever a limb.
11) 900 years of life is apparently still not long enough for the highest intellect in the galaxy to learn how to speak the words of his native language with anything even close to proper sentence construction.
10) In significantly advanced societies, affluent women change hairstyles only once every three years or so.
9) Despite state-of-the-art space ships, cruisers & cockpit technology, engineers evidently don’t see the need to install even one cup holder nor place one vending machine, like, anywhere in any of them.
8) Of all the pilots in the galaxy, the Rebel Alliance will decide to entrust the guy who just betrayed their most prominent members to their worst enemy with leading their charge against that same enemy.
7) A light saber is a beam of light that can easily pass through any substance in the universe; except the beam of light produced from another one.
6) In some galaxies, everyone from pilots to droids to animals to princesses possess the mechanical knowledge and ability to repair the internal workings of virtually any gigantic spacecraft.
5) Perhaps to satisfy a glaring need for etiquette, a galaxy inhabited almost exclusively by evil scum & protective monks will feel the need to construct a remarkably significant number of protocol droids.
4) There’s a certain irony in a desert-dwelling moisture farmer suddenly having to live on a snow-covered ice planet.
3) There evidently exists a species of cattle that can not only survive on a planet that possesses not so much as a single blade of grass but, also, produce blue milk.
2) If you’re the embodiment of evil who has nonchalantly destroyed billions of humans without care, as long as at the last possible second of your life you offer up a quick, quasi-apology, you can spend the afterlife peacefully hanging out with your ghost friends.
1) While in training, Jedi Knights seem to possess an almost superhuman ability to whine.
What if a late 20th Century Jack the Ripper tearing apart a small Connecticut town was the result of a pancake shop bet between God and the devil? Imagine if Satan’s impact on the world in the new millennium hinged entirely on one police officer’s skill in hunting down a ruthless killer…hiding in plain sight. Detective Danny Seabrook is an unwitting pawn in a divine chess match with immeasurable consequences for all mankind. Set primarily in 1995, this action-packed suspense thriller features clever dialogue, humor and romance-with an ending you will never forget.
* * * *
As the end draws near for long-retired Sherlock Holmes in Sussex Downs, he calls one last time for the company of his best friend and colleague, Dr. John Watson. What was meant to be four last days of camaraderie and reminiscing instead leads to the most shocking, explosive revelation both of the great detective’s career, and his life.
Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal is a Holmes tale like none other ever conceived. Fans of Baker Street’s legendary detective will be left with the insatiable need to contemplate its extraordinary conclusion forevermore.
* * * *
The Bachelor Cookbook is the perfect (and likely only) addition to any guy’s collection of sarcastic culinary literature. If you’re between relationships and looking to make the most of whatever foodstuffs you’ve got until you meet that next special woman, then your prayers have been answered. Unless you’re an atheist; in which case coming across this book just means your luck was in today. For men looking for sustenance over style, I give you this spectacular cookbook. Well, I don’t “give it” to you, per se. You have to pay for it.
Featuring such taste-bud tempting recipes as:
Meat on a Bed of Rice
Cheese and Crackers
Plus Miscellaneous Cookbook Humor, too!
* * * *
Chris Gay is an author, freelance writer, voice-over artist, broadcaster and actor. He writes and broadcasts a daily, minute radio humor spot in Hartford, Connecticut. He’s also written the paranormal, theological thriller novel Ghost of a Chance, the novella Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal, (an original, extraordinary short story on the great detective) and several humor books: Something Witty this Way Comes, And That’s the Way It Was…Give or Take: A Daily Dose of My Radio Writings, Shouldn’t Ice Cold Beer Be Frozen? My 365 Random Thoughts to Improve Your Life Not One Iota, The Bachelor Cookbook: Edible Meals with a Side of Sarcasm and Another Round of Ice Cold Beer: My 365 More Random Thoughts to Improve Your Life Not One Iota; he’s also been published in Writer’s Digest. Currently he’s writing the Ghost of a Chance sequel Perdition’s Wrath, and has written and voiced radio commercials, authored both comedic, non-comedic and sports freelance articles, scripts, press releases, website, media and technical content, done occasional radio color commentary for local sports, and acted in a couple of movies and plays. His website is chrisjgay.com, and his humor blog can be found at chrisgay.wordpress.com.
2012: Hope Springs (Barfly)