My ‘Jaws’ Movie Prequel Script

We all know it goes without saying that Jaws is among the greatest movies ever committed to celluloid. It should never be remade. However nothing is sacred today and so, if it is remade, I’d like to throw my concept in the ring.                    1187215_10200564375653581_1729544547_n

This isn’t an entire script. It details some of the back story on both Quint and Chief Brody that  the beginning of the main story we all know and love…

 

 

  JAWS 

(Prequel)

Screenplay

By Chris Gay

Film opens on the USS Indianapolis on the water, with the sun setting around it.

Mess Hall, USS Indianapolis

July 30, 1945

Sam Quint & Herbie Robinson are sitting at a table across from each other. There are empty plates in front of them and they’re both drinking coffee.

Robinson:

“You think this’ll be the end of it then, Sam?”

Quint:

“Can’t really tell. Bastards are dug in, an’ looks like they’re willin’ to fight to the last man. Why? You got somewhere better to be?”

Robinson:

“Signed a contract with the Indians. If the war ends by next spring they’re gonna give me a tryout.”

Quint:

“Big Leagues, eh? Didn’t know I was sailin’ with a bona fide star.”

Robinson modestly rolls his eyes, but smiles.

Robinson:

“Not likely, my friend. (Finishes his coffee in one last swig and puts the cup down.) Can’t make The Show from the middle of the ocean.”

Quint:

“Don’t you be worrying about that, Herbie. What we’ve delivered’ll end this war. You see if it don’t.”

Robinson:

“You sound confident we’ll get it there. Must be that new tattoo.” (Says with a smile.)

 Quint:

(Throwing a cursory glance down at his fresh USS Indianapolis tattoo) “Well I don’t know about that, Mr. Robinson. Tattoos don’t win wars, but a weapon like this one sure as hell does… (Pauses for a moment, and then continues more positively.) Anyway, cheer up. Come next spring you’ll be trading your guns for gloves and fightin’ for the AL Pennant. Beats the hell outta this.”

Robinson:

(Smiling) “Hopefully. What’ll you be doing?”

Quint:

“Back home to New England; gonna be a carpenter. I got a feelin’ there’s gonna be a lot of work building houses in the comin’ years.”

Robinson:

“Carpenter, huh? That’ll be the day. Thought you were a fisherman?”

Quint:

“Whatever pays the bills, Herbie. Whatever pays th-” (Suddenly, an explosion rocks the boat and both are thrown from their chairs to the ground.)

Robinson:

What the hell was…”

Quint:

 “Torpedo! Let’s get topside! C’mon, now!”

The two head for the exit with water starting to pour in from one side. Other sailors in the mess hall are scrambling around to get out, too. One has fallen; Quint and Robinson stop, pick him up, & together they carry him out of the mess hall.

They’re moving up the stairs as the ship starts to list. The sailor they were carrying is okay to walk. The three of them move through a growing shower of seawater.

Quint:

“Faster, men! We gotta get up an’ outta here if we don’t wanna end up on the bottom with her!”

Other Sailor:

(Shouting above the noise) “How much time?!”

Quint:

“Vessel’s got ten minutes. Fifteen at most!” (They reach the deck, with men already there putting a few lifeboats into the water. Others were flinging as many life jackets overboard as they could.)

Robinson:

“Let’s get to the-“

Quint:

(Interrupting) “No time! Get in that goddamn water and swim as far from the boat as you can!”

Robinson:

“What?! Why?!”

Other sailor:

“Suction!” (Quint looks from the sailor to Herbie, and nods silently in agreement. The ship is listing badly now.)

Quint:

“It’s time, my friend. Go, go! (Robinson joins him at the rail and together they jump into the water and swim away.)

After getting about a hundred yards out they stop, turn around, and watch the vessel founder. They look at each other in the oily water, and then swim back toward a couple of floating life jackets. They put them on and join a few others treading water nearby.

Smitty:

“Quint? That you?”

Quint:

“Yeah. Me an’ Herbie.”

Smitty:

“You two stay with us. We’ve gotta band together; keep close! When those damn sharks start circling, we’re gonna be better off in a group.

Quint:

“We’re sitting ducks out here, Smitty.”

Robinson:

(Spitting out oily seawater) “We shouldn’t be long in the water. Theyd’ve radioed our position before the Indy foundered.”

Smitty:

“Nah, Robinson. Clandestine mission. No one knows we’re here. We could floating out here for days.” (Reality sinks in for Herbie.)

In the distance they hear a scream. They look up and see a solitary sailor a hundred yards away being eaten by a shark. Quint starts to swim toward the sailor, & Smitty grabs him by the back of the life jacket.

Quint:

“Get offa me, ya bastard!”

Smitty:

(Pulling him around so they’re face to face.) “Sam, listen! (Quint squirms to break free, Smitty’s grip holds.) Listen to me, damn it! He’s gone, all you’d do over there is get yourself killed. We gotta keep our wits about us now. We gotta stay together!”

Quint:

“Jesus H. Christ!”

Smitty:

“We’re gonna need him.” (Smitty’s words are audible only to himself.)

Scene fades out. When it fades back in it’s daytime. Quint and Smitty are sleeping while being kept afloat by their life jackets. Quint wakes up.

Quint:

Smitty…Smitty!”

 Smitty:

“I’m here, Sam. I’m up.”

Quint:

“How long we been out here?”

Smitty:

“‘Bout four days now, at least.”

Quint:

“Sounds right. Damn it, I’m starving. (Quint looks over to Robinson, who’s twenty yards away) Herbie…Herbie wake up, man. (Quint swims the short distance over to Robinson. He’s still apparently asleep. Quint pushes him on the shoulder to wake him, and Herbie’s torso bobs over and he floats face-first in the water) Jesus H. Christ! Herbie! Herbie!”

Smitty:

“Sam! (Quint turns and looks back,) He’s gone, man. He’s gone…Come back to the group. It’s safer.”

Quint remains for a moment; a look of fury on his face. Then he reluctantly swims back to the others. As he does, Smitty turns his head to a noise in the distance. Quint, along with the camera, follows his eyes to a ship in the distance getting closer to their position.

Smitty:

“Is it a…”

Quint:

“Yeah.”

As the ship gets closer, Quint looks back on Robinson.  

Smitty:

(Puts his hand on Quint’s shoulder.) “That plane musta saw us! We made it, Sam. We made it!’

Quint:

(Still staring at their rescue ship.)“Yeah. We did…”

 Scene fades to black

New York City, April, 1973

A foot chase is in progress. NYPD Officer Martin Brody is pursuing a suspect, whom he corners in an alley.

 Martin Brody:

Freeze!”

(Corned, the hoodlum Brody was chasing slowly turns around. He suddenly pulls his hand out of his sweatshirt pocket and fires a round at Brody, He barely misses him, and the bullet removes a good-sized chunk of the brick from the wall behind him. Brody returns fire, and connects with the hoodlum’s shoulder. He then moves in to make the arrest.) 

“Jesus man, that fuckin’ hurts!”

Brody:

(Slapping handcuffs on him) “It’ll hurt a helluva lot more if you don’t shut the hell up.” (Sirens wail in the background. As Brody drags the suspect to his feet, he’s approached by another uniformed officer.)

Brody:

(To arriving officer) “Book this asshole. Took a goddamn shot at me.”

(Brody nods his head to the wall and the officer looks over at it.)

Officer:

 “Jesus…Want to ride back with him?” (The implication is that Brody would have a chance to exact some revenge on the drive back to the Precinct.)

Brody:

“No, I’ll walk it.”

Officer:

“Whatever you say, Marty. (Speaking to the suspect as he lifts him up by the shoulder.) All right, asshole. Let’s go.” (The arriving officer takes the suspect to the squad car and roughly shoves him in. Brody watches the car until it’s out of sight. Then he backs up to the brick wall and stares silently at the damage inflicted upon it by the bullet that was meant for him. After a moment he lets out a sigh, then slowly slides down till he’s in a crouch, then stares blankly across the alleyway the way Quint stared at the approaching rescue ship. Scene fades out.)

Amity Island, Massachusetts. September, 1973

Amity Mayor Larry Vaughn:

(Reading a piece of paper in front of him, and then looking up) “This is a very impressive resume, Martin. It’s even better than what you told me over the phone. I have to ask; are you sure you’d want to trade the excitement of New York City in for the monotony of Amity Island? While it’s still police work, it’s a totally different world. There hasn’t been a singe killing in over 25 years. “

 Brody:

“I’ve talked it over with my wife, Mr. Vaughn. The fresh start for our family in a much safer place is the best move for us. The promotion and raise don’t hurt too much, either.” (Brody smiles.)

 Vaughn:

All right, then. Oh, and it’s just Larry, by the way. Listen, you’re the most qualified candidate we’ve had in here so far. I’ll need to get a rubber stamp from the selectmen, but that’s just a formality. Can you start October 1st?”

Brody:

“I’m good with that, Larry.”

Vaughn:

“Right. Go find yourself some temporary lodging. Should be no problem in September. I’ll call you in a week, Martin.”

Brody:

“Good enough. Thanks the offer; I look forward to the job.” (Brody stands up and the two shake hands. Scene fades out.)

June 1975

A group of twenty-somethings are sitting around a campfire on the beach. One of the men is drinking, and eyeing an attractive brunette. She’s returning his gaze.

 

(Following her while stumbling) “Wait! Wait for me!”

This brings the script up to where the original movie begins.

God. The Devil. The Bet. The Fate of Mankind in the Balance. Check out Chris Gay’s new theological, paranormal crime thriller, Ghost of a Chance.

Jpeg front cover with bleeds

What if a late 20th Century Jack the Ripper tearing apart a small Connecticut town was the result of a pancake shop bet between God and the devil? Imagine if Satan’s impact on the world in the new millennium hinged entirely on one police officer’s skill in hunting down a ruthless killer…hiding in plain sight. Detective Danny Seabrook is an unwitting pawn in a divine chess match with immeasurable consequences for all mankind. Set primarily in 1995, this action-packed suspense thriller features clever dialogue, humor and romance-with an ending you will never forget.

*     *     *     *

‘Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal’ by Chris Gay

CJGSherlock1c

As the end draws near for long-retired Sherlock Holmes in Sussex Downs, he calls one last time for the company of his best friend and colleague, Dr. John Watson. What was meant to be four last days of camaraderie and reminiscing instead leads to the most shocking, explosive revelation both of the great detective’s career, and his life.

Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal is a Holmes tale like none other ever conceived. Fans of Baker Street’s legendary detective will be left with the insatiable need to contemplate its extraordinary conclusion forevermore.

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Chris Gay is an author, freelance writer, voice-over artist, broadcaster and actor. For 7 years he wrote and broadcast a daily, minute radio humor spot in Hartford, Connecticut. He’s been published nationally in Writer’s Digest and has written the paranormal, theological thriller novel Ghost of a Chance, Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal, (an original, extraordinary short story on the great detective with a spectacular twist) and four humor books: And That’s the Way It Was…Give or Take: A Daily Dose of My Radio Writings, Shouldn’t Ice Cold Beer Be Frozen? My 365 Random Thoughts to Improve Your Life Not One Iota, and The Bachelor Cookbook: Edible Meals with a Side of Sarcasm & Another Round of Ice Cold Beer: My 365 More Random Thoughts to Improve Your Life Not One Iota. He’s written and voiced radio commercials, authored both comedic and non-comedic freelance articles, scripts, press releases, website, media and technical content, done occasional radio color commentary for local sports, and acted in a couple of movies and plays. His website is chrisjgay.com, and his humor blog can be found at chrisgay.wordpress.com.

http://www.chrisjgay.com

Author Page (on Facebook)

Chris Gay Author/Writer/ Humorist (on Facebook)

Ghost of a Chance (on Facebook)

Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal (on Facebook)

The Bachelor Cookbook: Edible Meals with a Side of Sarcasm (on Facebook)

And That’s the Way it Was…Give or Take: A Daily Dose of My Radio Writings (on Facebook)

Shouldn’t Ice Cold Beer Be Frozen? My 365 Random Thoughts to Improve Your Life Not One Iota (on Facebook)

Another Round of Ice Cold Beer: My 365 More Random Thoughts to Improve Your Life Not One Iota (on Facebook)

https://chrisgay.wordpress.com

Movies:

2012: Hope Springs (Barfly)

2009: Testimonies of a Quiet New England Town (Constable John Gilbert)

Chris’s English Language Tips

I write everything. From the serious to the humorous. I’m the author of six books. I’ve been published in a national writing magazine, sold a TV script, & have written a combined hundreds of blog posts, articles and advertisements.

Although this blog primarily consists of humor, today I’d like to give back. This post contains no comedy or sarcasm; it’s merely a guide to help those who are trying to learn the English language navigate through some of its trickiest parts. As the months go by, I’ll keep updating it. I truly hope that this guide helps people to learn arguably the hardest language in the world.

Produce: To make something (“There’s no way that I can possibly produce one hundred custom t-shirts an hour!”) (Pro-DUCE)

Produce: To show something (“I had to produce my license for the bartender.”) (Pro-DUCE)

Produce: Fruits & vegetables (“All of that fresh produce looks delicious!”) (PRO-duce)

Pronunciations differ as per above

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Read: The activity of viewing & understanding words (“I read all the time.”) (REED)

Read: The past tense of read: (“I just read a terrific book!”) (RED)

Read: To believe that there’s more to something than there appears to be (“That woman is just a friend, dear; don’t read anything into it.”) (REED)

Pronunciations differ as per above

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There: Indicates location (“My keys are over there.”)

Their: Indicates possession (“That’s their car.”)

They’re: The contraction of “they” & “are” (They’re already at the concert.”)

All 3 are pronounced the same

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To: Signifies direction (“I’m going to the gym.”)

Too: Also (“Would you like to go, too?”)

Two: The number between 1 & 3 (“I’ll have two tacos, please.”)

All 3 are pronounced the same

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*Where: Signifies location (Where are we going?”)

We’re: The contraction of “we” & “are” (We’re leaving now.”) (WEER)

Were: The past tense of “are” (“We were there earlier, but we’re home now.”) (WUR)

*Wear: To have on clothing, jewelry, etc. (“I think I’ll wear my coat tonight.”)

*Ware(s): Item(s) sold to others  (“Over two hundred vendors are expected to showcase their wares at the local flea market today.”) (“Suzie said she spent over an hour setting out her wares for the tag sale.”)

Wary: Suspicious, cautious (“I’m wary of inviting her again after how she acted at our last party.”) (WARE-ee)

Weary: Tired (“I’ve grown weary of your poor attitude.”) (WEER-ee)

Weird: Odd (“The platypus is very weird looking.”) (WEERD)

*”Where”, “Wear”, & “Ware” are all pronounced the same

____________________________________________________________________________________________

Lose: To misplace something that you can’t find (“Did you lose your keys?”) (LUZE)

Lose: To not win a game or contest (“Did you win or lose the hockey game?”) (LUZE)

Loose: Not tight- (“The front leg on this chair is loose.”) (LUCE)

For some reason that I don’t understand, a great many people use “Loose” in place of “Lose”, & vice-versa. Just remember that their meanings are totally different.

____________________________________________________________________________________________

It’s: The contraction of “it” & “is” (It’s snowing out!”)

Its: The possessive pronoun of “it” (“I programmed that light to shut off on its own.”)

Both are pronounced the same

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Then: To reference a period of time (“I didn’t have my cat back then.”) (THEN)

Than: To compare (“I’d rather have the ice cream than the cake.”) (THAN)

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Very: To stress or emphasize something (“It’s very hot outside today.”)

Vary: To showcase difference (“The weatherman said today’s temperatures will vary quite a bit.”) (“I didn’t like that movie at all, but I’m sure opinions will vary.”)

Both are pronounced the same

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Steak: A cut of meat or fish (“Waiter, I’ll have the sirloin steak with a baked potato.”)

Stake:  A pole or similar object with a single sharpened end that’s driven into the ground to keep something in place, such as a tent or volleyball net (“We’ll have to hammer in one more stake to fully secure our tent.”)

Stake: Signifies risk (“Hurry up! You know what’s at stake if we don’t quickly repair the hole in this boat!”)

Stake: To loan or give something; usually money (“You’re broke? I’ll stake you the cash to keep gambling.”)

Stake(s): Prize money, usually associated with horse races. (“The stakes are high at the Kentucky Derby.”)

All 5 are pronounced the same

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Purse: A woman’s handbag (“I think there’s some gum in my purse.”)

Purse: Prize money, usually associated with boxing matches (“I hear the purse for this fight is $4 million dollars.”)

Both are pronounced the same

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Here: Signifies location (“We’re here!”)

Hear: The activity of listening to words or noises (“Did you hear that bird singing this morning?”)

Both are pronounced the same

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Could’ve: A contraction of “could” & “have” (“The iced tea could’ve used more sugar.”)

Would’ve: A contraction of “would” & “have” (“I would’ve gone last week if I hadn’t had the flu.”)

There is no such thing as “could of”, or “would of”, but you’ll see them used a lot, anyway

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Bare: Unclothed, naked (“Her sleeveless dress left her arms bare.”) (“I worked outside all day in my bare feet.”)

Bear: A large animal (“Be careful hiking, there have been recent reports of a large bear on that trail.”)

Bear: To hold, support or deliver; literally & figuratively (“I still bear a grudge against him for eating all of my pizza.”) (“I can’t bear the weight of this couch we’re carrying much longer.”) (“We’ve found a surrogate mother to bear our son.”)

Bear: A limit (“The pain caused by our divorce is very hard to bear.”)

All 4 are pronounced the same

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Our: Signifies possession (“That is our house.”)

Hour: A measurement of time consisting of 60 minutes (“The hockey game will start in one hour.”)

Both are pronounced the same

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Peel: To strip away (“Since my political candidate lost the election, I’m going to peel that bumper sticker off my car.”)

Peel: A natural fruit covering such as is found on an orange, banana or apple (“Please don’t leave that orange peel on the table.”)

Both are pronounced the same

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Through: Completed or finished (“I’m through with my dinner.”) (“I’m breaking up with you; we’re through.”)

Through: Going into and emerging from something; literally & figuratively (“To get here we had to go through the tunnel.”) (“Don’t worry, I’ll help you get through this difficult time.”)

Threw: Past tense of “throw”. (“We went down to the park earlier and threw the football around.”)

All 3 are pronounced the same

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Miner: Someone who extracts a resource from a mine or cave; associated most often with coal, diamonds, gold & silver (“Claustrophobia is not a something a miner would ever want to have.”) (MINE-er)

Minor: Any person who is not yet an adult (“No minor can watch that movie without a parent or guardian present.”) (MINE-or)

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Employed: Used (“Once I employed my electric screwdriver, installing that door was much easier.”)

Employed: To have a job (“I’m employed as a foreman at the Smile-Rite toothpaste company.”)

Both are pronounced the same

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Tip: To doff or remove, most often associated with a cap or hat (“How nice of that gentleman to tip his cap to me.”)

Tip: A gratuity given for a provided service (“I’m going to tip our waitress 20%.”)

Tip: To unbalance something (“Be careful while cleaning the desk to not tip over the lamp.”)

All 3 are pronounced the same

____________________________________________________________________________________________

Your: Signifies possession (“Here, this one is your sandwich.”)

You’re: The contraction of “You” & “Are” (You’re a really great guy, Chris.”)

Yore: A general time in the distant past (“Oh, how I long for the Christmases of yore”.)

All 3 are pronounced the same

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Address: To speak or talk to others (“The president will address the nation at 9 o’clock tonight.”)

Address: To give attention to (“I’ll address that issue after I return from my vacation.”)

Address: The location of a residence or business (“My address is 126 Maple Street Bismarck, North Dakota.”)

All 3 are pronounced the same

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Light: A source of natural or artificial illumination (“Please turn the light on in the living room.”) (“We’ve been up all night, it’ll be light outside soon.”)

Light: Not heavy (“This feather is very light.”)

Light: Less than expected (“The pot for this poker game looks a little light.”)

All 3 are pronounced the same

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Stationary: To remain in place (“Bill wisely remained quiet and stationary until the grizzly bear left his campsite.”)

Stationery: Writing supplies such as paper & ink (“I’ll write her a letter on some of the hotel stationery.”)

Both are pronounced the same

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Poker: A popular card game (“Let’s call a few friends and play poker tonight.”)

Poker: A long, hand-held metal rod used to adjust wood burning in a fireplace (“He used the poker to spread out the logs.”)

Both are pronounced the same

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See: The act of viewing anything (“I can see much better with my new glasses.”)

See: To understand (“Oh, okay. Now I see what you mean.”)

Sea: The ocean (“Those sword fishermen are going out to sea today.”)

All 3 are pronounced the same

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Type: To use keyboard or typewriter keys to produce words (“I have to type my report by tomorrow.”)

Type: A personal preference (“That woman is just my type.”)

Both are pronounced the same

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Further: Something extra, a figurative measurement of distance (“I have nothing further to add to this conversation.”) (“I’m further along with this book than I thought I was.”)

Farther: A measurement of actual distance (“We still have twenty miles farther to go before we reach the hotel.”)

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Holy: Sacred, Divine, having to do with God (“The ground where Saint Bartholomew is buried is holy.”)

Wholly: Completely (“The Acme golf ball company is a wholly-owned subsidiary of the Smith Corporation.”)

Both are pronounced the same

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Great: Expansive (“I’ve traveled a great distance to try what I’m told are New Mexico’s finest iced cinnamon buns.”)

Great: Fantastic (“You did a great job redecorating your home.”)

Grate: A covering (“I dropped my smartphone through that sewer grate.”)

Grate: To shave off, most often associated with food (“Dinner will be ready as soon as I grate this parmesan cheese.”)

Grate: To annoy (“She continues to grate on my every nerve.”)

All 5 are pronounced the same

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Later: A future time (“I’ll wash my car later.”) (LAY-ter)

Latter: The last thing mentioned (“I’ll eat hot dogs, french fries and hamburgers; but the latter is my favorite.”) (Latter)

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By: By way of (“You can get to Main Street easier by taking a right turn here.”)

Buy: To purchase (“I think it’s time to buy a new television.”)

Bye: Good-bye (Bye! I’ll see you soon!”)

All 3 are pronounced the same

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One: The number before two (“I’ll just have one doughnut.”)

Won: To achieve victory in a game or contest (“We won the championship!”) (“I won the lottery!”)

Both are pronounced the same

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Present: A gift (“This year I want to give Chris a very expensive birthday present.”)

Present: The current point in time (“The present time is 3:18p.m.”)

Present: To be in attendance (“I was present at my nephew’s graduation.”)

Present: To deliver (“Due to your extraordinary heroism Fireman Jones, on behalf of the citizens of Minneapolis, I’d like to present you with this key to the city.”)

All 4 are pronounced the same

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Medal: An award (“The 1980 U.S. Men’s Ice hockey team won the gold medal.”)

Metal: A material such as steel (“This ship’s anchor is made of very heavy metal.”)

Mettle: Courage, valor (“He showed tremendous mettle in fighting off that Great White shark so his wife could swim to safety.”)

Meddle: To interfere (“For the last time, do not ever meddle in my affairs again!”)

All 4 are pronounced the same

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Waste: The left-over byproduct of anything (“That food is spoiled and is now waste. Throw it away.”)

Waist: The middle area of the body that a belt would cover (“The size of his waist has shrunk since he went on a diet.”)

Both are pronounced the same

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Right: An answer or statement that is correct (“You’re right. The capital of Connecticut is Hartford.”)

Right: Politically, a term to describe Republicans & Conservatives (The Right strongly believes in the U.S. Constitution.”)

Write: To inscribe words onto paper or on other areas (“Let me just write a note before we leave, so if she shows up she’ll know where we are.”)

All 3 are pronounced the same

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Miscellaneous Items

  • Pro means for (“I am pro-life.”) It’s also a very common abbreviation of Professional
  • Anti means to be against or to dislike something (“I’m very anti-summer because I love wintry weather!”)
  • The & symbol is called an ampersand. It’s used as a substitute for the word and
  • The * symbol is called an asterisk. It’s used to let readers know that a more in-depth explanation (or disclaimer) about something they’ve read is provided elsewhere. It’s usually at the bottom of the same page or advertisement
  • A palindrome is a word that is spelled the same backward & forward, such as Level or Radar
  • You drive on a parkway & park in a driveway. I know it doesn’t make sense…but it is what it is
  • Flammable & Inflammable both mean the same thing: something combustible. (Very easily catches on fire) (“Don’t leave the newspaper on the stove, it’s very (in)flammable!)
  • “Literally” is overused & often misused. It should only be used when it exactly matches what you are saying. WRONG WAYS: “I was literally beside myself in anger.” “I literally ate a million doughnuts.” Those uses are wrong because both don’t make literal sense. RIGHT WAYS: “I literally ate an entire pizza.” If you did in fact eat a whole pizza, that would be a correct usage. “I read Chris’s spectacular novel literally overnight.” If that’s what you did, then that is also correct.
  • Vice-Versa means the reverse of something (“Let’s change it up. You do my job today, and vice-versa.”)
  • Deja-vu is the feeling that you’ve experienced something before that you don’t ever remember experiencing (“This is the first time I’ve eaten at this restaurant, but I can’t shake the feeling I’ve of having been here before. It must be deja-vu.”)
  • An Acronym is a term or phrase that is shortened into a much easier representative word (SCUBA is an acronym for Self-Contained Underwater Breathing Apparatus.”)
  • West Hartford, Connecticut native Noah Webster wrote the first American dictionary. As the United States had recently become independent from England, he dropped letters in words that he felt were unnecessary. That’s why British & Canadian words such as “Humour”, “Honour” & “Neighbour” are not spelled the same in America
  • Penultimate is the second-to-last of something (“This is the penultimate episode of this sitcom. The series will end after next week’s show.”) (“As they missed the playoffs yet again, this is the Buffalo Bills penultimate game of their season. There’s only one more game left.”)
  • A is used before words that begin with a consonant, (“What a tremendously gifted writer Chris is!”) while an is used before words that begin with a vowel (“Buying Chris’s books is an excellent decision.”) However, an exception for an exists with some words that begin with the consonant H (“Yorktown, Virginia is an historic site in American history.”) (“We make fresh bagels once an hour.)
  • Etcetera is a word that means and so forth or and so on (“For the family picnic let’s get several varieties of deli meat; turkey, ham, salami, etcetera.”) Etcetera in written form is almost always abbreviated to Etc.
  • Miscellaneous is a general term that refers to a variety of items, sometimes extra, that don’t fit into a specific category (“Please put the plates and glassware in this box, the utensils in that box, and all of the miscellaneous stuff from the junk drawer in this bag.”) In written form, miscellaneous is very often abbreviated to Misc.
  • Starboard & Port are nautical directional terms. On a boat or ship, starboard means right & port means left.

God. The Devil. The Bet. The Fate of Mankind in the Balance. Check out Chris Gay’s new theological, paranormal crime thriller, Ghost of a Chance.

Jpeg front cover with bleeds

What if a late 20th Century Jack the Ripper tearing apart a small Connecticut town was the result of a pancake shop bet between God and the devil? Imagine if Satan’s impact on the world in the new millennium hinged entirely on one police officer’s skill in hunting down a ruthless killer…hiding in plain sight. Detective Danny Seabrook is an unwitting pawn in a divine chess match with immeasurable consequences for all mankind. Set primarily in 1995, this action-packed suspense thriller features clever dialogue, humor and romance-with an ending you will never forget.

*     *     *     *

‘Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal’ by Chris Gay

CJGSherlock1c

As the end draws near for long-retired Sherlock Holmes in Sussex Downs, he calls one last time for the company of his best friend and colleague, Dr. John Watson. What was meant to be four last days of camaraderie and reminiscing instead leads to the most shocking, explosive revelation both of the great detective’s career, and his life.

Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal is a Holmes tale like none other ever conceived. Fans of Baker Street’s legendary detective will be left with the insatiable need to contemplate its extraordinary conclusion forevermore.

1977287_10152267078273756_2109539589_n

*     *     *     *

Chris Gay is an author, freelance writer, voice-over artist, broadcaster and actor. For 7 years he wrote and broadcast a daily, minute radio humor spot in Hartford, Connecticut. He’s been published nationally in Writer’s Digest and has written the paranormal, theological thriller novel Ghost of a Chance, Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal, (an original, extraordinary short story on the great detective with a spectacular twist) and four humor books: And That’s the Way It Was…Give or Take: A Daily Dose of My Radio Writings, Shouldn’t Ice Cold Beer Be Frozen? My 365 Random Thoughts to Improve Your Life Not One Iota, and The Bachelor Cookbook: Edible Meals with a Side of Sarcasm & Another Round of Ice Cold Beer: My 365 More Random Thoughts to Improve Your Life Not One Iota. He’s written and voiced radio commercials, authored both comedic and non-comedic freelance articles, scripts, press releases, website, media and technical content, done occasional radio color commentary for local sports, and acted in a couple of movies and plays. His website is chrisjgay.com, and his humor blog can be found at chrisgay.wordpress.com.

http://www.chrisjgay.com

Author Page (on Facebook)

Chris Gay Author/Writer/ Humorist (on Facebook)

Ghost of a Chance (on Facebook)

Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal (on Facebook)

The Bachelor Cookbook: Edible Meals with a Side of Sarcasm (on Facebook)

And That’s the Way it Was…Give or Take: A Daily Dose of My Radio Writings (on Facebook)

Shouldn’t Ice Cold Beer Be Frozen? My 365 Random Thoughts to Improve Your Life Not One Iota (on Facebook)

Another Round of Ice Cold Beer: My 365 More Random Thoughts to Improve Your Life Not One Iota (on Facebook)

https://chrisgay.wordpress.com

Movies:

2012: Hope Springs (Barfly)

2009: Testimonies of a Quiet New England Town (Constable John Gilbert)

Published in: on May 30, 2017 at 1:19 am  Leave a Comment  

The Epic Saga of Brad’s Wife

Once in a while, we as Americans put aside our petty differences and band together to 1187215_10200564375653581_1729544547_nright an obvious wrong. We become One in the name of justice. Now is just such an occasion.

I, like many of you, love Cracker Barrel. The 60 lbs of food for $10; the attached Old Country Store bursting with Americana. But this time they’ve crossed the line, and no excuses will be tolerated.

To fire Brad’s wife, on his birthday, no less! is a travesty unlike any the world will ever see. This small-town Indiana woman was ruthlessly pink-slipped from a job she’d proudly held for 11 years.

And for what? Well, the truth is no one knows.

But that’s what we do in this country- jump to conclusions before all (or in this case, any,) facts are in about pretty much everything. Hey, it’s just how we roll.

And so, with just a mere half-dozen words on a Facebook page, Brad has ignited a social media firestorm. And We The People demand an answer that we are in no way entitled to!

This time, there’ll be no buying us off with those free corn bread squares and tasty biscuits. Well, maybe the biscuits. But I digress.

This is a matter that must be gotten to the bottom of. Because, as Jack Nicholson so eloquently said in A Few Good Men, in the (semi) fast food industry, “we use words like ‘honor’, ‘code’, ‘loyalty’…”

There’s no honor or loyalty in callously showing a dedicated long-time employee the door. Unless it was legitimately deserved; in which case forget the whole thing and click on some other blog post of mine.

We, America, insist that you provide us with this woman’s confidential information. In fact, throw in her medical records, too.

This isn’t some trite, boring issue like Obama’s still-sealed college transcripts or Trump’s unreleased tax returns.

No, this question must be answered to the Internet’s complete satisfaction Cracker Barrel; else we may just get all Edward Snowden on your backside.

God. The Devil. The Bet. The Fate of Mankind in the Balance. Check out Chris Gay’s new theological, paranormal crime thriller, Ghost of a Chance.

Jpeg front cover with bleeds

What if a late 20th Century Jack the Ripper tearing apart a small Connecticut town was the result of a pancake shop bet between God and the devil? Imagine if Satan’s impact on the world in the new millennium hinged entirely on one police officer’s skill in hunting down a ruthless killer…hiding in plain sight. Detective Danny Seabrook is an unwitting pawn in a divine chess match with immeasurable consequences for all mankind. Set primarily in 1995, this action-packed suspense thriller features clever dialogue, humor and romance-with an ending you will never forget.

*     *     *     *

‘Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal’ by Chris Gay

CJGSherlock1c

As the end draws near for long-retired Sherlock Holmes in Sussex Downs, he calls one last time for the company of his best friend and colleague, Dr. John Watson. What was meant to be four last days of camaraderie and reminiscing instead leads to the most shocking, explosive revelation both of the great detective’s career, and his life.

Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal is a Holmes tale like none other ever conceived. Fans of Baker Street’s legendary detective will be left with the insatiable need to contemplate its extraordinary conclusion forevermore.

1977287_10152267078273756_2109539589_n

*     *     *     *

Chris Gay is an author, freelance writer, voice-over artist, broadcaster and actor. For 7 years he wrote and broadcast a daily, minute radio humor spot in Hartford, Connecticut. He’s been published nationally in Writer’s Digest and has written the paranormal, theological thriller novel Ghost of a Chance, Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal, (an original, extraordinary short story on the great detective with a spectacular twist) and four humor books: And That’s the Way It Was…Give or Take: A Daily Dose of My Radio Writings, Shouldn’t Ice Cold Beer Be Frozen? My 365 Random Thoughts to Improve Your Life Not One Iota, and The Bachelor Cookbook: Edible Meals with a Side of Sarcasm & Another Round of Ice Cold Beer: My 365 More Random Thoughts to Improve Your Life Not One Iota. He’s written and voiced radio commercials, authored both comedic and non-comedic freelance articles, scripts, press releases, website, media and technical content, done occasional radio color commentary for local sports, and acted in a couple of movies and plays. His website is chrisjgay.com, and his humor blog can be found at chrisgay.wordpress.com.

http://www.chrisjgay.com

Author Page (on Facebook)

Chris Gay Author/Writer/ Humorist (on Facebook)

Ghost of a Chance (on Facebook)

Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal (on Facebook)

The Bachelor Cookbook: Edible Meals with a Side of Sarcasm (on Facebook)

And That’s the Way it Was…Give or Take: A Daily Dose of My Radio Writings (on Facebook)

Shouldn’t Ice Cold Beer Be Frozen? My 365 Random Thoughts to Improve Your Life Not One Iota (on Facebook)

Another Round of Ice Cold Beer: My 365 More Random Thoughts to Improve Your Life Not One Iota (on Facebook)

https://chrisgay.wordpress.com

Movies:

2012:

Hope Springs (Barfly)

2009:

Testimonies of a Quiet New England Town (Constable John Gilbert)

Chris’s Wholly Unorthodox, Yet Great, Technically Christmas Movies

Chris’s 5 Wholly Unorthodox, Yet Great, Technically Christmas Movies: 1187215_10200564375653581_1729544547_n

5) Lethal Weapon (1987) Danny Glover & Mel Gibson (both playing much older than they were) come together in what may well be Hollywood’s best ‘buddy cop’ movie ever.

4) The Ice Harvest (2006) John Cusack & Billy Bob Thornton opt to betray an oddly cast mob kingpin, (Randy Quaid) & later themselves, in likely the first major film set in Kansas since ‘The Wizard of Oz’.

3) In Bruges (2008) Colin Farrell, Ralph Fiennes & Brendan Gleeson film one of those fantastically quirky British crime movies; this time set in scenic Belgium.

2) Die Hard (1988) Bruce Willis left one of the coolest TV shows of all time (Moonlighting,1985-89) to embark on an action movie career in a part that numerous A-list stars passed on. Based on Roderick Thorp’s fantastic 1979 novel ‘Nothing Lasts Forever’.

1) Joyeux Noel (2005) The extraordinary, beautiful & heartbreaking re-telling of the real life World War I Christmas Truce in 1914. British, French & Scottish troops, & their German enemies, in the trenches of No-Man’s Land, stopped killing each other on Christmas Day to fraternize, exchange gifts, play soccer, & bury their dead. This movie will make you smile & cry. It’ll also repulse & sicken you at how much more sense these young commanders had over their ‘superiors’, whose idiocy & arrogance cost millions of innocent lives over 4 years during a war fought over nothing.

God. The Devil. The Bet. The Fate of Mankind in the Balance. Check out Chris Gay’s new theological, paranormal crime thriller, Ghost of a Chance.

What if a late 20th Century Jack the Ripper tearing apart a small Connecticut town was the result of a pancake shop bet between God and the devil? Imagine if Satan’s impact on the world in the new millennium hinged entirely on one police officer’s skill in hunting down a ruthless killer…hiding in plain sight. Detective Danny Seabrook is an unwitting pawn in a divine chess match with immeasurable consequences for all mankind. Set primarily in 1995, this action-packed suspense thriller features clever dialogue, humor and romance-with an ending you will never forget.

*     *     *     *

‘Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal’ by Chris Gay

As the end draws near for long-retired Sherlock Holmes in Sussex Downs, he calls one last time for the company of his best friend and colleague, Dr. John Watson. What was meant to be four last days of camaraderie and reminiscing instead leads to the most shocking, explosive revelation both of the great detective’s career, and his life.

Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal is a Holmes tale like none other ever conceived. Fans of Baker Street’s legendary detective will be left with the insatiable need to contemplate its extraordinary conclusion forevermore.

*     *     *     *

‘The Bachelor Cookbook: Edible Meals with a Side of Sarcasm’ by Chris Gay

The Bachelor Cookbook is the perfect (and likely only) addition to any guy’s collection of sarcastic culinary literature. If you’re between relationships and looking to make the most of whatever foodstuffs you’ve got until you meet that next special woman, then your prayers have been answered. Unless you’re an atheist; in which case coming across this book just means your luck was in today. For men looking for sustenance over style, I give you this spectacular cookbook. Well, I don’t “give it” to you, per se. You have to pay for it.

Featuring such taste-bud tempting recipes as:

Popcorn Salad

Meat on a Bed of Rice

Cheese and Crackers

Spaghetti Sandwich

Plus Miscellaneous Cookbook Humor, too!

*     *     *     *

Chris Gay is an author, freelance writer, voice-over artist, broadcaster and actor. For 7 years he wrote and broadcast a daily, minute radio humor spot in Hartford, Connecticut. He’s been published nationally in Writer’s Digest and has written the paranormal, theological thriller novel Ghost of a Chance, Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal, (an original, extraordinary short story on the great detective with a spectacular twist) and four humor books: And That’s the Way It Was…Give or Take: A Daily Dose of My Radio Writings, Shouldn’t Ice Cold Beer Be Frozen? My 365 Random Thoughts to Improve Your Life Not One Iota, and The Bachelor Cookbook: Edible Meals with a Side of Sarcasm & Another Round of Ice Cold Beer: My 365 More Random Thoughts to Improve Your Life Not One Iota. He’s written and voiced radio commercials, authored both comedic and non-comedic freelance articles, scripts, press releases, website, media and technical content, done occasional radio color commentary for local sports, and acted in a couple of movies and plays. His website is chrisjgay.com, and his humor blog can be found at chrisgay.wordpress.com.

http://www.chrisjgay.com

Author Page on Facebook

Chris Gay Author/Writer/ Humorist on Facebook

Ghost of a Chance on Facebook

Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal on Facebook

https://chrisgay.wordpress.com

Twitter: @chrisgay13

Movies:

2012:

Hope Springs (Barfly)

2009:

Testimonies of a Quiet New England Town (Constable John Gilbert)

Published in: on December 11, 2016 at 10:28 pm  Leave a Comment  

Valentine’s Day: A Humorous Exposition

And here we are again. With barely enough time for the nation to have 12036753_10205276543134823_1249559569961522867_ncollectively recovered from its annual raucous Groundhog Day celebrations, along comes the granddaddy of all Hallmark Holidays: Valentine’s Day.

The Power of Frivolity

Somewhere, somebody’s great-grandchildren are probably still living off the residuals earned by whoever it was that first came up with the idea to create a dumb holiday around an obscure Saint. A holiday that somehow has the power to prop up the greeting card, chocolate, flower, restaurant and bed & breakfast industries annually for an entire fiscal quarter. To be honest that’s pretty impressive.

Too Much, Too Soon

Is it really fair that guys have to trek right back out and search for another “perfect gift” seven lousy weeks after Christmas? Not to mention (but I will) that those men who aren’t botanists, (all of us, for example) must once again try to decipher the overly complex Carnation Color Code Chart. Or figure out the difference between long and short stem roses while debating the necessity of ferns, ribbons- and whatever the hell baby’s breath is?

Once that stuff is corralled to the best of our abilities, we must then decide on where to make reservations. And as any man who’s ever lived will tell you, whatever restaurant he picks likely won’t be the right one; unless it’s called ‘I Don’t Know,’ ‘I Don’t Care’, or ‘Anywhere Is Fine With Me’. Which brings me to the next point…

A One-Sided Affair

Although there are always exceptions to any rule, this “holiday” clearly exists for the benefit of one gender which shall women nameless. Sorry, I meant remain nameless. Men really don’t care as far as they themselves are concerned, and are just happy if they can get past it with their spouses sufficiently contented. (Though if she leaves that Whitman’s Sampler around, there’s a good chance she’ll later discover that a couple of chocolates went AWOL.) If given a vote to mothball V-Day, polling places nationwide would resemble rugby matches, with guys rushing for the chance to pull that Aye lever. And why?

Because Good Men…

Because good men who love their significant others don’t need an over-hyped day to show that love. They don’t want to give a few corporations the power to try and guilt them into performing like automatons for the benefit of those corporations’ bottom lines. A good man will remember birthdays, anniversaries, et cetera, and treat his lady well throughout the year. And also make certain to take a few other random days annually on which he’ll do something extra special. And if he doesn’t-or if she doesn’t-maybe one, or both, are settling. Ponder that, if you will.

Cupid, Draw Back Your Bow

I’ve really got nothing much to say in this paragraph. It’s just that as I’m writing this, that catchy Spinners 70’s tune about the cherubic matchmaker popped into my head. And it’s only fair that I now try to stick it into yours for the rest of the day. You’re welcome.

Singles

As of this writing, I too will be among the millions of you this year who’ll be single on Valentine’s Day. And yes, I realize that on February 14th it’ll feel like the music’s stopped and we’re left without chairs. (Though how we could be missing millions of chairs I’ll never know. Maybe they’re hanging out with all of those dryer socks.) Anyway, don’t fret.

Someday, perhaps as soon as next year, you’ll be able to join in the fun and expense of this annual bacchanalia of February romance again. So for now, just bask in the happiness that can only be truly known through binge-eating Chinese food- and having a free reign over your TV.

And if that’s not enough, just remember that the return of McDonald’s Shamrock Shakes is just around the corner!

God. The Devil. The Bet. The Fate of Mankind in the Balance. Check out Chris Gay’s new theological, paranormal crime thriller, Ghost of a Chance.

Jpeg front cover with bleeds

What if a late 20th Century Jack the Ripper tearing apart a small Connecticut town was the result of a pancake shop bet between God and the devil? Imagine if Satan’s impact on the world in the new millennium hinged entirely on one police officer’s skill in hunting down a ruthless killer…hiding in plain sight. Detective Danny Seabrook is an unwitting pawn in a divine chess match with immeasurable consequences for all mankind. Set primarily in 1995, this action-packed suspense thriller features clever dialogue, humor and romance-with an ending you will never forget.

*     *     *     *

‘Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal’ by Chris Gay

CJGSherlock1c

As the end draws near for long-retired Sherlock Holmes in Sussex Downs, he calls one last time for the company of his best friend and colleague, Dr. John Watson. What was meant to be four last days of camaraderie and reminiscing instead leads to the most shocking, explosive revelation both of the great detective’s career, and his life.

Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal is a Holmes tale like none other ever conceived. Fans of Baker Street’s legendary detective will be left with the insatiable need to contemplate its extraordinary conclusion forevermore.

1977287_10152267078273756_2109539589_n

*     *     *     *

Chris Gay is an author, freelance writer, voice-over artist, broadcaster and actor. For 7 years he wrote and broadcast a daily, minute radio humor spot in Hartford, Connecticut. He’s been published nationally in Writer’s Digest and has written the paranormal, theological thriller novel Ghost of a Chance, Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal, (an original, extraordinary short story on the great detective with a spectacular twist) and four humor books: And That’s the Way It Was…Give or Take: A Daily Dose of My Radio Writings, Shouldn’t Ice Cold Beer Be Frozen? My 365 Random Thoughts to Improve Your Life Not One Iota, and The Bachelor Cookbook: Edible Meals with a Side of Sarcasm & Another Round of Ice Cold Beer: My 365 More Random Thoughts to Improve Your Life Not One Iota. He’s written and voiced radio commercials, authored both comedic and non-comedic freelance articles, scripts, press releases, website, media and technical content, done occasional radio color commentary for local sports, and acted in a couple of movies and plays. His website is chrisjgay.com, and his humor blog can be found at chrisgay.wordpress.com.

http://www.chrisjgay.com

Author Page (on Facebook)

Chris Gay Author/Writer/ Humorist (on Facebook)

Ghost of a Chance (on Facebook)

Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal (on Facebook)

The Bachelor Cookbook: Edible Meals with a Side of Sarcasm (on Facebook)

And That’s the Way it Was…Give or Take: A Daily Dose of My Radio Writings (on Facebook)

Shouldn’t Ice Cold Beer Be Frozen? My 365 Random Thoughts to Improve Your Life Not One Iota (on Facebook)

Another Round of Ice Cold Beer: My 365 More Random Thoughts to Improve Your Life Not One Iota (on Facebook)

https://chrisgay.wordpress.com

Movies:

2012:

Hope Springs (Barfly)

2009:

Testimonies of a Quiet New England Town (Constable John Gilbert)

Chris Explains the Actual Meaning of 11 Common Signs & Statements

Every day we pass by numerous retail stores signs without really thinking much about them. But it seems that some of them have a greater meaning behind what they actually state. For your convenience, provided here are a few of the real meanings of those common announcements.388982_3377538558968_401329802_n
1) Sign: “So that our employees may enjoy the holiday with their families, we will be closed on Christmas”

2) Meaning: We have no intention of doling out Holiday Pay on a day when no customers will show. However please check the list of remaining holidays, including Black Friday, on which you may find our seemingly benevolent policy somewhat more, uh, flexible.

3) Sign: “No Soliciting”
Meaning: Don’t stand in front of our establishment with flyers attempting to grow your business. Oh by the way, please watch this week for the flyers and junk mail promoting our company that you didn’t ask for but we sent you anyway.

4) Sign: “All Sale Items in This Rack From 80% Off”
Meaning: We placed one item on this rack at 80% off so we could justify this sign. You’ll find everything left to be discounted at around 20%.

5) Sign: “Buy 1 Get 1 Free!
Meaning: That the cost of the item is now twice as much this week only is merely coincidental. Nothing to see here, please move along.

6) Sign: “Get them now while supplies last!”
Meaning: Well, duh.

7) Sign: “Price and Participation May Vary”
Meaning: As long as this deal is available somewhere within our family of franchisees and we tack on this caveat, we can promote it country-wide.

8) Sign: “Tax Included”
Meaning: The sales tax has simply been added to the full amount of what we were going to charge anyway, rounded down one penny as usual so that we may maintain the ‘$.99’ charade, regardless.

9) Statement: “I Approve this Message”
Meaning: What you’ve just heard excludes any relevant information that would end all hope of any rational person’s support for my candidacy. It is comprised of as much embellishment of any positive results which have accidently occurred while acting in my own self-interest I’ve ever accomplished that, not coincidentally, are still able to fit into 30 seconds with time to spare. (After my lawyers reviewed, modified and approved the script)

10) Statement: “Consuming our Product While Pregnant May Result in Birth Defects”
Meaning: The Surgeon General has required us to print one of several warnings on our products. And while all are horrible, after an internal review we’ve determined that at any given time the majority of US women are not pregnant, and 100% of US men are definitely not. So we’ve opted to go with this one.

11) Statement: “The Following Movie has Been Edited for Time”
Meaning: Brace yourselves for a laughably absurd amount of commercials.

1977287_10152267078273756_2109539589_nGod. The Devil. The Bet. The Fate of Mankind in the Balance. Check out Chris Gay’s new theological, paranormal crime thriller, Ghost of a Chance.

What if a late 20th Century Jack the Ripper tearing apart a small Connecticut town was the result of a pancake shop bet between God and the devil? Imagine if Satan’s impact on the world in the new millennium hinged entirely on one police officer’s skill in hunting down a ruthless killer…hiding in plain sight. Detective Danny Seabrook is an unwitting pawn in a divine chess match with immeasurable consequences for all mankind. Set primarily in 1995, this action-packed suspense thriller features clever dialogue, humor and romance-with an ending you will never forget.

*     *     *     *

‘Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal’ by Chris Gay

As the end draws near for long-retired Sherlock Holmes in Sussex Downs, he calls one last time for the company of his best friend and colleague, Dr. John Watson. What was meant to be four last days of camaraderie and reminiscing instead leads to the most shocking, explosive revelation both of the great detective’s career, and his life.

Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal is a Holmes tale like none other ever conceived. Fans of Baker Street’s legendary detective will be left with the insatiable need to contemplate its extraordinary conclusion forevermore.

*     *     *     *

‘The Bachelor Cookbook: Edible Meals with a Side of Sarcasm’ by Chris Gay

The Bachelor Cookbook is the perfect (and likely only) addition to any guy’s collection of sarcastic culinary literature. If you’re between relationships and looking to make the most of whatever foodstuffs you’ve got until you meet that next special woman, then your prayers have been answered. Unless you’re an atheist; in which case coming across this book just means your luck was in today. For men looking for sustenance over style, I give you this spectacular cookbook. Well, I don’t “give it” to you, per se. You have to pay for it.

Featuring such taste-bud tempting recipes as:

Popcorn Salad

Meat on a Bed of Rice

Cheese and Crackers

Spaghetti Sandwich

Plus Miscellaneous Cookbook Humor, too!

*     *     *     *

Chris Gay is an author, freelance writer, voice-over artist, broadcaster and actor. He writes and broadcasts a daily, minute radio humor spot in Hartford, Connecticut. He’s also written the paranormal, theological thriller novel Ghost of a Chance, the novella Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal, (an original, extraordinary short story on the great detective) ‘Santa Claus: Kris Kringle From Man to Myth,’ a unique, realistic take of a classic tale, and several humor books: And That’s the Way It Was…Give or Take: A Daily Dose of My Radio Writings, Shouldn’t Ice Cold Beer Be Frozen? My 365 Random Thoughts to Improve Your Life Not One Iota, The Bachelor Cookbook: Edible Meals with a Side of Sarcasm, Another Round of Ice Cold Beer: My 365 More Random Thoughts to Improve Your Life Not One Iota,  and Something Witty this Way Comes He’s been published nationally in Writer’s Digest and is currently writing the Ghost of a Chance sequel Perdition’s Wrath. Chris has written and voiced radio commercials, authored comedic, non-comedic and sports freelance articles, scripts, press releases, website, media and technical content, done occasional radio color commentary for local sports, and acted in a couple of movies and plays. His website is chrisjgay.com.

Facebook

Twitter: @chrisgay13

Movies:

2012: Hope Springs (Barfly)

2009: Testimonies of a Quiet New England Town (Constable John Gilbert)

Published in: on May 27, 2014 at 12:00 am  Leave a Comment  

25 Things I’ve Learned from the Original Star Wars Trilogy

By Chris Gay1531953_10201253358477721_1937314015_n

25) A planet can be located within close proximity of two massive suns & not have a surface temperature of, like, 500 degrees Fahrenheit.

24) Cantina bands apparently don’t spend all that much time working on new material.

23) In galaxies far, far away, even moderately decent dialogue isn’t all that much of a priority.

22) The Emperor of this particular galaxy seems to possess the ability to foresee everything…except that one time his top subordinate will lift up & fling him into that bottomless abyss.

21) For those Jedi deemed the Chosen Ones, it pays to be left-handed.

20) It’s unclear as to whether Sith Lords fully understand the word Destiny as, generally speaking, they really don’t fluctuate all that much.

19) Despite emerging victorious in two out of three movies, no one in the Rebel Alliance ever seems to have a good feeling about anything.

18) A ruling-class space slug will build a fully caged-in rock pit for his carnivorous pet dinosaur, yet also build a massive, unnecessary steel door within it for seemingly no other reason than to give an adversarial Jedi a credible method in which to dispatch it.

17) When the helmet of a human cyborg is removed, his British accent will immediately become American.

16) The Princesses in some galaxies are far more blue collar than they are in others.

15) Wookies can apparently speak an entire language using, roughly, five different growls.

14) Little emphasis seems to be placed on the Marksmanship section of Stormtrooper Employee Entrance Exams.

13) Some of those X-Wing fighters get an astonishing amount of miles per gallon.

12) I guess depending on its mood, a light saber can either vaporize you entirely out of your incarnate existence or merely sever a limb.

11) 900 years of life is apparently still not long enough for the highest intellect in the galaxy to learn how to speak the words of his native language with anything even close to proper sentence construction.

10) In significantly advanced societies, affluent women change hairstyles only once every three years or so.

9) Despite state-of-the-art space ships, cruisers & cockpit technology, engineers evidently don’t see the need to install even one cup holder nor place one vending machine, like, anywhere in any of them.

8) Of all the pilots in the galaxy, the Rebel Alliance will decide to entrust the guy who just betrayed their most prominent members to their worst enemy with leading their charge against that same enemy.

7) A light saber is a beam of light that can easily pass through any substance in the universe; except the beam of light produced from another one.

6) In some galaxies, everyone from pilots to droids to animals to princesses possess the mechanical knowledge and ability to repair the internal workings of virtually any gigantic spacecraft.

5) Perhaps to satisfy a glaring need for etiquette, a galaxy inhabited almost exclusively by evil scum & protective monks will feel the need to construct a remarkably significant number of protocol droids.

4) There’s a certain irony in a desert-dwelling moisture farmer suddenly having to live on a snow-covered ice planet.

3) There evidently exists a species of cattle that can not only survive on a planet that possesses not so much as a single blade of grass but, also, produce blue milk.

2) If you’re the embodiment of evil who has nonchalantly destroyed billions of humans without care, as long as at the last possible second of your life you offer up a quick, quasi-apology, you can spend the afterlife peacefully hanging out with your ghost friends.

1) While in training, Jedi Knights seem to possess an almost superhuman ability to whine.

God. The Devil. The Bet. The Fate of Mankind in the Balance. Check out Chris Gay’s new theological, paranormal crime thriller, Ghost of a Chance.

Ghost of a Chance Cover jpeg What if a late 20th Century Jack the Ripper tearing apart a small Connecticut town was the result of a pancake shop bet between God and the devil? Imagine if Satan’s impact on the world in the new millennium hinged entirely on one police officer’s skill in hunting down a ruthless killer…hiding in plain sight. Detective Danny Seabrook is an unwitting pawn in a divine chess match with immeasurable consequences for all mankind. Set primarily in 1995, this action-packed suspense thriller features clever dialogue, humor and romance-with an ending you will never forget.

*     *     *     *

‘Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal’ by Chris Gay #1(A!A)CJGSherlockHomesCoverCMYK1d

As the end draws near for long-retired Sherlock Holmes in Sussex Downs, he calls one last time for the company of his best friend and colleague, Dr. John Watson. What was meant to be four last days of camaraderie and reminiscing instead leads to the most shocking, explosive revelation both of the great detective’s career, and his life.

Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal is a Holmes tale like none other ever conceived. Fans of Baker Street’s legendary detective will be left with the insatiable need to contemplate its extraordinary conclusion forevermore.

*     *     *     *

‘The Bachelor Cookbook: Edible Meals with a Side of Sarcasm’ by Chris Gay

CJG Full Kindle Cover For Promotions

The Bachelor Cookbook is the perfect (and likely only) addition to any guy’s collection of sarcastic culinary literature. If you’re between relationships and looking to make the most of whatever foodstuffs you’ve got until you meet that next special woman, then your prayers have been answered. Unless you’re an atheist; in which case coming across this book just means your luck was in today. For men looking for sustenance over style, I give you this spectacular cookbook. Well, I don’t “give it” to you, per se. You have to pay for it.

Featuring such taste-bud tempting recipes as:

Popcorn Salad

Meat on a Bed of Rice

Cheese and Crackers

Spaghetti Sandwich

Plus Miscellaneous Cookbook Humor, too!

*     *     *     *

Chris Gay is an author, freelance writer, voice-over artist, broadcaster and actor. He writes and broadcasts a daily, minute radio humor spot in Hartford, Connecticut. He’s also written the paranormal, theological thriller novel Ghost of a Chance, the novella Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal, (an original, extraordinary short story on the great detective) and several humor books: Something Witty this Way Comes, And That’s the Way It Was…Give or Take: A Daily Dose of My Radio Writings, Shouldn’t Ice Cold Beer Be Frozen? My 365 Random Thoughts to Improve Your Life Not One Iota, The Bachelor Cookbook: Edible Meals with a Side of Sarcasm and Another Round of Ice Cold Beer: My 365 More Random Thoughts to Improve Your Life Not One Iota; he’s also been published in Writer’s Digest. Currently he’s writing the Ghost of a Chance sequel Perdition’s Wrath, and has written and voiced radio commercials, authored both comedic, non-comedic and sports freelance articles, scripts, press releases, website, media and technical content, done occasional radio color commentary for local sports, and acted in a couple of movies and plays. His website is chrisjgay.com, and his humor blog can be found at chrisgay.wordpress.com.

Jpeg front cover with bleedsKindle Cookbook Cover 7.12.2013

book2book1CJGSherlock1c

Twitter: @chrisgay13

Movies:

2012: Hope Springs (Barfly)

2009: Testimonies of a Quiet New England Town (Constable John Gilbert)

25 Things I’ve Learned from Watching James Bond Movies

By Chris Gay1531953_10201253358477721_1937314015_n

25) The U.S. military would actually sign off on a plan that allows a lunatic to waltz right into Fort Knox with an atomic device.

24) Highly-budgeted Casino Royale will be lavishly praised by critics, despite its climax being nearly identical to that of the Mel Gibson-Jodie Foster comedy Maverick.

23) There are haberdashers who will not only impeccably craft a bowler hat to your personal taste and comfort, but also customize it with a razor-sharp steel brim.

22) A secret agent will walk past a snake charmer and actually recognize that the guy is playing his own theme song.

21) The parents of gorgeous ‘60’s, ‘70’s & ‘80’s women were both cunningly creative and remarkably prophetic while naming their daughters.

20) MI6 will allow one single agent to bring the head of its organization to his secluded-and-fully-exposed home, let a treacherous villain and his gang of mercenaries know its exact location and then…provide no backup whatsoever and wait around to hear how it all turned out.

19) There exists people who are unable to notice a full-sized blimp flying so close behind them that a passenger can actually scoop them up right off the ground.

18) No matter where a secret agent goes in the world, be it a sunken ship or a cargo plane, there’s a better than average chance he’ll run into his boss sitting in an improvised-yet-fully-furnished office.

17) Neither a brilliant super-villain nor his team of pilots seem to have the capability of grasping the consequences of sudden cabin depressurization.

16) A satellite which could easily spot a 300 meter-wide satellite dish would not notice it being built into a massive lake that had been drained, cemented over, and refilled again.

15) A hundred miles from Earth with a space station crumbling around you is the best time to turn your focus toward celebrating a blossoming romance.

14) There are multi-billionaire newspaper magnates who believe that anonymously starting a full-scale nuclear war, just so their media empire can cover it, is a perfectly rational way to earn a little extra coin.

13) The British military actually allows milkmen to deliver to its top-secret safe houses.

12) A villain will be sadistic enough to set up an elaborate demise showcasing the evisceration of his adversary with a laser beam, but not be sadistic enough to stick around and watch.

11) Evil, bald, disfigured, cat-stroking megalomaniacal CEO’s who dismiss incompetent employees via piranha-infested indoor office ponds, are still overwhelmed with job applications for henchmen.

10) Q Branch has the capability to design the exact gadgets Bond will need for every predicament that he’ll find himself in during a mission…prior to that mission.

9) Two outwardly intelligent adults will look upon a flame-throwing tank with teeth literally painted on it…and actually believe that it’s a real dragon.

8) Two people sliding down a mountain in a cello case can outrun a small army of skiing mercenaries all the way into another country.

7) The best ways for a secret agent to maintain his anonymity are to ski off a mountain while employing a huge, Union Jack-adorned parachute, and to convert his submarine into a car then drive it directly out of the ocean and over the sand through a crowded beach.

6) With laughably-cheap eye prosthetics and a bad toupee, you can easily pass off a hairy, 6’2” heavily- accented Scottish man as Japanese, and no one will ever be the wiser.

5) There are casting directors and movie producers who truly believe that anyone, anywhere, at any time would buy Denise Richards as a nuclear physicist.

4) There are casting directors and movie producers who truly believe that anyone, anywhere, at any time would buy Madonna as a fencing instructor.

3) Regardless of strength or intellect, villains with peroxide-blond hair will have exceptionally short lifespans.

2) Hired mercenaries will still go to great lengths to carry out their contract on Bond even after the villain who commissioned them has been liquidated.

1) It’s seemingly an MI6 requirement that James Bond must dispatch his adversaries while simultaneously delivering a complementary wise-crack.

God. The Devil. The Bet. The Fate of Mankind in the Balance. Check out Chris Gay’s new theological, paranormal crime thriller, Ghost of a Chance.

Ghost of a Chance Cover jpeg What if a late 20th Century Jack the Ripper tearing apart a small Connecticut town was the result of a pancake shop bet between God and the devil? Imagine if Satan’s impact on the world in the new millennium hinged entirely on one police officer’s skill in hunting down a ruthless killer…hiding in plain sight. Detective Danny Seabrook is an unwitting pawn in a divine chess match with immeasurable consequences for all mankind. Set primarily in 1995, this action-packed suspense thriller features clever dialogue, humor and romance-with an ending you will never forget.

*     *     *     *

‘Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal’ by Chris Gay #1(A!A)CJGSherlockHomesCoverCMYK1d

As the end draws near for long-retired Sherlock Holmes in Sussex Downs, he calls one last time for the company of his best friend and colleague, Dr. John Watson. What was meant to be four last days of camaraderie and reminiscing instead leads to the most shocking, explosive revelation both of the great detective’s career, and his life.

Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal is a Holmes tale like none other ever conceived. Fans of Baker Street’s legendary detective will be left with the insatiable need to contemplate its extraordinary conclusion forevermore.

*     *     *     *

‘The Bachelor Cookbook: Edible Meals with a Side of Sarcasm’ by Chris Gay

CJG Full Kindle Cover For Promotions

The Bachelor Cookbook is the perfect (and likely only) addition to any guy’s collection of sarcastic culinary literature. If you’re between relationships and looking to make the most of whatever foodstuffs you’ve got until you meet that next special woman, then your prayers have been answered. Unless you’re an atheist; in which case coming across this book just means your luck was in today. For men looking for sustenance over style, I give you this spectacular cookbook. Well, I don’t “give it” to you, per se. You have to pay for it.

Featuring such taste-bud tempting recipes as:

Popcorn Salad

Meat on a Bed of Rice

Cheese and Crackers

Spaghetti Sandwich

Plus Miscellaneous Cookbook Humor, too!

*     *     *     *

Chris Gay is an author, freelance writer, voice-over artist, broadcaster and actor. He writes and broadcasts a daily, minute radio humor spot in Hartford, Connecticut. He’s also written the paranormal, theological thriller novel Ghost of a Chance, the novella Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal, (an original, extraordinary short story on the great detective) and three humor books: And That’s the Way It Was…Give or Take: A Daily Dose of My Radio Writings, Shouldn’t Ice Cold Beer Be Frozen? My 365 Random Thoughts to Improve Your Life Not One Iota, and The Bachelor Cookbook: Edible Meals with a Side of Sarcasm. He’s been published nationally in Writer’s Digest and is currently writing his fourth, fifth and sixth humor books, Another Round of Ice Cold Beer: My 365 More Random Thoughts to Improve Your Life Not One Iota,  Something Witty this Way Comes and Politically Correct Movie Reviews.

Also, he’s writing the Ghost of a Chance sequel Perdition’s Wrath, and has written and voiced radio commercials, authored both comedic and non-comedic freelance articles, scripts, press releases, website, media and technical content, done occasional radio color commentary for local sports, and acted in a couple of movies and plays. His website is chrisjgay.com, and his humor blog can be found at chrisgay.wordpress.com.

Jpeg front cover with bleedsKindle Cookbook Cover 7.12.2013

book2book1CJGSherlock1c

Twitter: @chrisgay13

Movies:

2012: Hope Springs (Barfly)

2009: Testimonies of a Quiet New England Town (Constable John Gilbert)

My More Realistic, Yet Still Fun, Bucket List

By Chris Gay 1531953_10201253358477721_1937314015_n

Someday I’d like to bravely:

•Walk through a shark-infested aquarium

• Play a guitar while telling jokes onstage in front of a huge crowd, & see how long it takes them to realize that I have no idea whatsoever how to play a guitar

• Ask a proud, family-owned pizzeria if I might special order two dozen authentic, Old World pies made just like my great-grandma used to & then, after they agree, tell them she was Lithuanian

• Accept defeat at a round of miniature golf in a manner proportionate to losing a round of miniature golf

• Walk into an Apple store & ask an associate where they keep the typewriter ribbons

• Call the manager of a Mall Food Court burger stand & stubbornly insist that his staff got my order wrong at the drive-thru

• Call every rock station in Cincinnati, Ohio & stubbornly insist that they put Dr. Johnny Fever back on the air

• Drive up to the front of an Antique Shop in a DeLorean, run in, & demand all of my stuff back

• Attend a baseball card show featuring mid-‘80’s ballplayers &, upon reaching their table, off-handedly mention that isn’t it extraordinary how much athletes’ salaries have skyrocketed since 1990

• Challenge myself to pour into the washer not a single drop of laundry detergent more than is instructed on the bottle

• Write the Hershey Corporation to request they discontinue both Mounds & Almond Joy because, after years of trying, I just can’t decide between them & no longer wish to try

• Take my watch to a repair shop & tell the owner that I need it set to Western Standard Time

• Request to perform the lengthiest song in a Karaoke DJ’s catalogue & then, after she calls me to the stage, lip sync to it

• Wait until a Karaoke DJ is completely overwhelmed, then walk over & demand to see his list of instrumentals

• Walk up to a Convent with a dozen roses, knock on the door & when someone answers, ask her if she wouldn’t mind seeing if Sister Catherine is ready, as we’re already running late for the movie.

• Drive into a parking lot blaring, at maximum bass & volume levels, an ‘80’s pop song like ‘C’mon, Eileen’ or ‘The Safety Dance

• Wear a monocle while out & about with jeans, sneakers & a tee shirt

• See if Pamplona also hosts an annual ‘Running of the Kittens’ &, if so, do that one instead

• Smugly ask a European when they finally plan on abandoning the Metric System for ours.

• Make a spectacle of successfully parachuting into my parking space from the curb

• Ask a shorter person if he or she’d mind getting me a grocery item from the bottom shelf for once, instead of it always being the other way around

• Come across one of those model-laden, late night Super Bra infomercials & see if at least just once I can bring myself to click past before it ends

• Shave my head completely bald, then walk into a barbershop & tell the barber not to shorten my bangs too much

• See if I can finish a 4 Meter Road Race

• Try & produce a neatly-signed book autograph with a quill pen & ink on the very first try

• Play chess by telephone during a thunderstorm that’s no closer than two counties away

• Notice a small grammatical error within an internet post of mine, & then see if I can let myself just leave it be

• Try to consume an order of chain restaurant chicken tenders in such a manner as to see if it’s scientifically possible to leave even an atom of sauce in the thimble-sized container that accompanies them

• Hang around an appliance store with a few paper towels till some customers ask to buy a self-cleaning oven, then walk over, introduce myself as Mr. Self, & ask if they think I’ll enjoy my new home

• Write to Lionel Richie & nicely ask if he wouldn’t mind getting me the autograph of an obscure Commodore

• Leave a restaurant buffet for home without trying to stuff down at least one form of dessert

• Finally put in the effort & patience to see if I can for once actually wrap a single present as well as any woman I’ve ever dated

• Waste not a second more time wondering if, after hearing an ad in which friends have an absurdly enthusiastic dialogue about a name brand of butter, a similar conversation has ever occurred between two people in real life at any point in recorded history

• Successfully pitch a Syndicate on the concept of a witty, cleverly written comic strip featuring nothing but stick figures so I could do the whole thing myself

• Graciously accept a compliment without instinctively tossing out a self-depreciative quip

• Know when to stop writing these occasional humor lists I craft for my blog without trying to think of just one joke more.

• No, really

God. The Devil. The Bet. The Fate of Mankind in the Balance. Check out Chris Gay’s new theological, paranormal crime thriller, Ghost of a Chance.

Ghost of a Chance Cover jpeg What if a late 20th Century Jack the Ripper tearing apart a small Connecticut town was the result of a pancake shop bet between God and the devil? Imagine if Satan’s impact on the world in the new millennium hinged entirely on one police officer’s skill in hunting down a ruthless killer…hiding in plain sight. Detective Danny Seabrook is an unwitting pawn in a divine chess match with immeasurable consequences for all mankind. Set primarily in 1995, this action-packed suspense thriller features clever dialogue, humor and romance-with an ending you will never forget.

*     *     *     *

‘Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal’ by Chris Gay #1(A!A)CJGSherlockHomesCoverCMYK1d

As the end draws near for long-retired Sherlock Holmes in Sussex Downs, he calls one last time for the company of his best friend and colleague, Dr. John Watson. What was meant to be four last days of camaraderie and reminiscing instead leads to the most shocking, explosive revelation both of the great detective’s career, and his life.

Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal is a Holmes tale like none other ever conceived. Fans of Baker Street’s legendary detective will be left with the insatiable need to contemplate its extraordinary conclusion forevermore.

*     *     *     *

‘The Bachelor Cookbook: Edible Meals with a Side of Sarcasm’ by Chris Gay

CJG Full Kindle Cover For Promotions

The Bachelor Cookbook is the perfect (and likely only) addition to any guy’s collection of sarcastic culinary literature. If you’re between relationships and looking to make the most of whatever foodstuffs you’ve got until you meet that next special woman, then your prayers have been answered. Unless you’re an atheist; in which case coming across this book just means your luck was in today. For men looking for sustenance over style, I give you this spectacular cookbook. Well, I don’t “give it” to you, per se. You have to pay for it.

Featuring such taste-bud tempting recipes as:

Popcorn Salad

Meat on a Bed of Rice

Cheese and Crackers

Spaghetti Sandwich

Plus Miscellaneous Cookbook Humor, too!

*     *     *     *

Chris Gay is an author, freelance writer, voice-over artist, broadcaster and actor. He writes and broadcasts a daily, minute radio humor spot in Hartford, Connecticut. He’s also written the paranormal, theological thriller novel Ghost of a Chance, the novella Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal, (an original, extraordinary short story on the great detective) and three humor books: And That’s the Way It Was…Give or Take: A Daily Dose of My Radio Writings, Shouldn’t Ice Cold Beer Be Frozen? My 365 Random Thoughts to Improve Your Life Not One Iota, and The Bachelor Cookbook: Edible Meals with a Side of Sarcasm. He’s been published nationally in Writer’s Digest and is currently writing his fourth, fifth and sixth humor books, Another Round of Ice Cold Beer: My 365 More Random Thoughts to Improve Your Life Not One Iota,  Something Witty this Way Comes and Politically Correct Movie Reviews.

Also, he’s writing the Ghost of a Chance sequel Perdition’s Wrath, and has written and voiced radio commercials, authored both comedic and non-comedic freelance articles, scripts, press releases, website, media and technical content, done occasional radio color commentary for local sports, and acted in a couple of movies and plays. His website is chrisjgay.com, and his humor blog can be found at chrisgay.wordpress.com.

Jpeg front cover with bleedsKindle Cookbook Cover 7.12.2013

book2book1CJGSherlock1c

Twitter: @chrisgay13

Movies:

2012: Hope Springs (Barfly)

2009: Testimonies of a Quiet New England Town (Constable John Gilbert)

25 Things I’ve Learned from Watching It’s a Wonderful Life

By Chris Gay1469975_10201000610079169_1984329585_n

1) In some bars, regardless of what you order you’ll get bourbon and like it.

2) During the time an angel is showing a man how his family and friends are affected by his no longer having been born, his current born/not born status somehow also determines whether or not it snows.

3) It’s a good idea for a financial institution to leave its safe, which is located in full view of the public and blocked only by a counter so easy to hurdle that its own CEO routinely jumps over it, completely unlocked and open.

4) Despite the almost comical number of Keep off the Grass signs a town places along the median strip of its main street, that is exactly where the townsfolk will choose to stand on or run across at every chance they get.

5) In response to being punched by a drunk who then runs off into the night, a senior police officer, while surrounded by hundreds of people, will pull his piece and, without really aiming, casually squeeze off multiple rounds through the center of town.

6) In some towns, snow will visibly remain on you and your clothes not only long after you’ve entered a home or business, but also while you’re submerged in a river.

7) When a man’s date is interrupted by an uncle driving up to him with urgent news, instead of offering her a ride back with them, he’ll leave the woman standing on the street in the dark of night wearing only a bathrobe.

8) A man who will otherwise do anything for anyone, will consistently mock and ignore the only friend in town who has, despite his annoying “Hee-Haw!” catchphrase, tried to legitimately make him rich throughout his entire adult life.

9) Unless you’re a relatively dim-witted angel, the type of tasks you’re assigned by Heaven to successfully complete in order to earn your wings are apparently not all that difficult.

10) A movie theater with the capacity to show only two films would rather its customers try and guess what the second feature is, instead of just listing it by its name below the first one on the marquee.

11) When a group of men arrive at a house to talk to its owner and find that neither he nor his wife are home, they’ll simply walk in and hang out in the living room.

12) The maximum depth of the Bedford Falls High School swimming pool is approximately four feet.

13) A town in which a man and an elderly angel can walk completely around and across in less than ten minutes needs a full-time taxi driver.

14) An uncle so daft as to forget his nephew’s wedding, which the entire town attends and occurs three blocks away, is the logical choice to be entrusted with handling the family business’s large cash transactions.

15) A police officer is able to leave a small town bridge during a blizzard and drive to the nearest airport to pick up a man who he didn’t even know was coming, then drive all the way back to that man’s brother’s house…in around eight minutes.

16) An old, blighted house with no windows intact, broken-fencing and a desperate need for grounds-keeping maintenance will be allowed to sit in its decrepit, condemnable state for years in the middle of a residential neighborhood.

17) An angel will somehow be able to acquire and read a book that was published 223 years after he passed away.

18) While on-duty, a town’s only police officer has plenty of time to spend on its outskirts hanging leisure and travel destination posters all over the house of a grown man.

19) A man’s impromptu workday can apparently be so busy, he’ll actually forget that he was married in an immense ceremony a few hours earlier.

20) A county will knowingly appoint its most unscrupulous, despised citizen head of the local draft board.

21) A man will get angry at his uncle for carelessly waving thousands of dollars around, even though both he and his wife did the same thing earlier in the back of a taxi.

22) A customer can sit at a drug store counter and eat the same chocolate coconut ice cream sundae for over an hour without it melting at all whatsoever.

23) There somewhere exists a newly married, nearly-broke man who would turn down the equivalent of a $300,000 annual salary plus extensive perks, to continue doing the same job for the equivalent $35,000.

24) A public financial institution is the best place for its senior officer to keep and let roam free his pet squirrel, raven, owl, dog and parakeet.

25) No one in Bedford Falls, including the owner of its only-and thriving- bar, apparently has enough credit to receive a small home loan from the town’s primary bank; begging the question as to how Henry F. Potter could be so filthy rich without seemingly ever lending out money to anyone. Even Ebenezer Scrooge lent money to the riff-raff.

God. The Devil. The Bet. The Fate of Mankind in the Balance. Check out Chris Gay’s new theological, paranormal crime thriller, Ghost of a Chance.

Ghost of a Chance Cover jpeg What if a late 20th Century Jack the Ripper tearing apart a small Connecticut town was the result of a pancake shop bet between God and the devil? Imagine if Satan’s impact on the world in the new millennium hinged entirely on one police officer’s skill in hunting down a ruthless killer…hiding in plain sight. Detective Danny Seabrook is an unwitting pawn in a divine chess match with immeasurable consequences for all mankind. Set primarily in 1995, this action-packed suspense thriller features clever dialogue, humor and romance-with an ending you will never forget.

*     *     *     *

‘Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal’ by Chris Gay #1(A!A)CJGSherlockHomesCoverCMYK1d

As the end draws near for long-retired Sherlock Holmes in Sussex Downs, he calls one last time for the company of his best friend and colleague, Dr. John Watson. What was meant to be four last days of camaraderie and reminiscing instead leads to the most shocking, explosive revelation both of the great detective’s career, and his life.

Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal is a Holmes tale like none other ever conceived. Fans of Baker Street’s legendary detective will be left with the insatiable need to contemplate its extraordinary conclusion forevermore.

*     *     *     *

‘The Bachelor Cookbook: Edible Meals with a Side of Sarcasm’ by Chris Gay

CJG Full Kindle Cover For Promotions

The Bachelor Cookbook is the perfect (and likely only) addition to any guy’s collection of sarcastic culinary literature. If you’re between relationships and looking to make the most of whatever foodstuffs you’ve got until you meet that next special woman, then your prayers have been answered. Unless you’re an atheist; in which case coming across this book just means your luck was in today. For men looking for sustenance over style, I give you this spectacular cookbook. Well, I don’t “give it” to you, per se. You have to pay for it.

Featuring such taste-bud tempting recipes as:

Popcorn Salad

Meat on a Bed of Rice

Cheese and Crackers

Spaghetti Sandwich

Plus Miscellaneous Cookbook Humor, too!

*     *     *     *

Chris Gay is an author, freelance writer, voice-over artist, broadcaster and actor. He writes and broadcasts a daily, minute radio humor spot in Hartford, Connecticut. He’s also written the paranormal, theological thriller novel Ghost of a Chance, the novella Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal, (an original, extraordinary short story on the great detective) and three humor books: And That’s the Way It Was…Give or Take: A Daily Dose of My Radio Writings, Shouldn’t Ice Cold Beer Be Frozen? My 365 Random Thoughts to Improve Your Life Not One Iota, and The Bachelor Cookbook: Edible Meals with a Side of Sarcasm. He’s been published nationally in Writer’s Digest and is currently writing his fourth, fifth and sixth humor books, Another Round of Ice Cold Beer: My 365 More Random Thoughts to Improve Your Life Not One Iota,  Something Witty this Way Comes and Politically Correct Movie Reviews.

Also, he’s writing the Ghost of a Chance sequel Perdition’s Wrath, and has written and voiced radio commercials, authored both comedic and non-comedic freelance articles, scripts, press releases, website, media and technical content, done occasional radio color commentary for local sports, and acted in a couple of movies and plays. His website is chrisjgay.com, and his humor blog can be found at chrisgay.wordpress.com.

Jpeg front cover with bleedsKindle Cookbook Cover 7.12.2013

book2book1CJGSherlock1c

Twitter: @chrisgay13

Movies:

2012: Hope Springs (Barfly)

2009: Testimonies of a Quiet New England Town (Constable John Gilbert)

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