Faux-Chef Chris vs. Garlic: Round 2

Those of you who are familiar with my writings and books are aware that I’m a writer and author. But did you know that I’m also an awful karaoke singer? Anyway, we’ll move on from the latter. Today my focus is on food.

The Tale of Writer vs. Vegetable

For nearly all my life, my relationship with food has been rather simple. If it’s a meal that your average nutritionist would reflexively gasp at in horror, it was probably something you’d find on my personal menu. A steady diet of flavored corn chips and ice cream was my regular fare. Pepperoni pizza was also a regular staple, as it is a perfect representation of the Four Food Groups. (Well, technically.)

I was so proud of my culinary creations as a divorced bachelor in possession of fewer cooking skills than a politician’s cache of morals, I decided to write one of my books on them.

As a quick aside, allow me to show you an example of a cheap, shameless personal plug: That humor book, The Bachelor Cookbook: Edible Meals with a Side of Sarcasm, is easily available via paperback or on Kindle by clicking on the link thoughtfully and conveniently below. But I digress.

I’ve been putting in a lot of time at the gym for awhile now and have been looking for ways to augment my fitness efforts. Coincidentally, I recently came across an article on something called “fruits” and “vegetables”.

As someone who was previously unfamiliar with those terms, I was intrigued and read further. It turns out you can buy these alleged food items in something called the Produce Department of any grocery store. So I went to one and, sure enough, such a department exists.

I bought a selection of this so-called “produce” and tried it. The items varied from moderately tolerable to royally sucking. (The Cherry-flavored Mike & Ike’s were okay, though.)

However, since I’d committed to marrying a better diet to my workouts, I began trying to incorporate some of these things into my meals-rotation. And that is what brings us to the crux of the story…

Writer vs. Garlic

I’ve never had an issue with garlic; I’ve used its’ spice form for years when cooking pierogies. (It’s a Lithuanian thing.) I’ve also always loved store and restaurant-prepared garlic bread.

But to buy a bulb and try cooking one myself? Well, I’m nothing if not courageous; so I got one. Immediately, like any other red-blooded American would, I went to YouTube to find out whatever I could.

There wasn’t much on preparation, but there were several items on how to easily open it. You just shake the bulb between the closed space created by putting two equally-sized plastic bowls together.

Once done, I peeled off the remnants (of what; garlic tissue, maybe?) began chopping, (after my research revealed a simple, lousy garlic press costs $16) and then tossed the 13 cloves that the bulb had surrendered into a frying pan full of butter.

Once they started sizzling I, as required by United States and International Law, snapped a picture of my accomplishment; then proudly posted it to social media while I waited for the cloves’ ultimate destination of spaghetti sauce to simmer.

As I stirred the cloves around while enveloped within a cloud of heavenly aroma, I received a comment notification on my posted picture from my cousin who exclaimed something along the lines of, “Chris, you’re not supposed to use the whole bulb!”

Well damn it, how would I have known? There was no note stamped on the lone bulb I purchased. You know, they actually print “Contains nuts” warnings on jars of peanuts; they affix “Do not use in shower” tags to hair dryers. Is it not reasonable to expect such a heads up on garlic?

Anyway, I still tried the spaghetti and discovered two things rather quickly: I needed a tall glass of cold water stat; and that I’d never have to worry about loitering vampires again.

I didn’t finish the pasta, and it took me a month to try and contend with the plucky spice again. And so today brought the world Round 2 of Faux-Chef Chris vs. Garlic. Just like Rocky in Rocky II, I finally bested my nemesis and reigning champion Garlic to claim the belt for myself.

I ditched the bulb, peeled only 3 cloves, and put the rest in a bag for storage. I fried them in butter and this time mixed it in with meat tortellini; (ricotta blows) and it was de-li-ci-ous.

After teaching Garlic what’s what, my next kitchen-ionic mountain to climb is to tame the mighty Bell Pepper in a contest of stir fry.

I’m counting on my new reputation as Culinary King to dishearten all varieties of Bell Peppers before we even begin. I’m certain it will.

God. The Devil. The Bet. The Fate of Mankind in the Balance. Check out Chris Gay’s new theological, paranormal crime thriller, Ghost of a Chance.

What if a late 20th Century Jack the Ripper tearing apart a small Connecticut town was the result of a pancake shop bet between God and the devil? Imagine if Satan’s impact on the world in the new millennium hinged entirely on one police officer’s skill in hunting down a ruthless killer…hiding in plain sight. Detective Danny Seabrook is an unwitting pawn in a divine chess match with immeasurable consequences for all mankind. Set primarily in 1995, this action-packed suspense thriller features clever dialogue, humor and romance-with an ending you will never forget.

*     *     *     *

‘Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal’ by Chris Gay

As the end draws near for long-retired Sherlock Holmes in Sussex Downs, he calls one last time for the company of his best friend and colleague, Dr. John Watson. What was meant to be four last days of camaraderie and reminiscing instead leads to the most shocking, explosive revelation both of the great detective’s career, and his life.

Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal is a Holmes tale like none other ever conceived. Fans of Baker Street’s legendary detective will be left with the insatiable need to contemplate its extraordinary conclusion forevermore.

*     *     *     *

Chris Gay is an author, freelance writer, voice-over artist, broadcaster and actor. For 7 years he wrote and broadcast a daily, minute radio humor spot in Hartford, Connecticut. He’s been published nationally in Writer’s Digest and has written the paranormal, theological thriller novel Ghost of a Chance, Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal, (an original, extraordinary short story on the great detective with a spectacular twist) and four humor books: And That’s the Way It Was…Give or Take: A Daily Dose of My Radio Writings, Shouldn’t Ice Cold Beer Be Frozen? My 365 Random Thoughts to Improve Your Life Not One Iota, and The Bachelor Cookbook: Edible Meals with a Side of Sarcasm & Another Round of Ice Cold Beer: My 365 More Random Thoughts to Improve Your Life Not One Iota. He’s written and voiced radio commercials, authored both comedic and non-comedic freelance articles, scripts, press releases, website, media and technical content, done occasional radio color commentary for local sports, and acted in a couple of movies and plays. His website is chrisjgay.com, and his humor blog can be found at chrisgay.wordpress.com.

http://www.chrisjgay.com

Author Page (on Facebook)

Chris Gay Author/Writer/ Humorist (on Facebook)

Ghost of a Chance (on Facebook)

Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal (on Facebook)

The Bachelor Cookbook: Edible Meals with a Side of Sarcasm (on Facebook)

And That’s the Way it Was…Give or Take: A Daily Dose of My Radio Writings (on Facebook)

Shouldn’t Ice Cold Beer Be Frozen? My 365 Random Thoughts to Improve Your Life Not One Iota (on Facebook)

Another Round of Ice Cold Beer: My 365 More Random Thoughts to Improve Your Life Not One Iota (on Facebook)

https://chrisgay.wordpress.com

Movies:

2012: Hope Springs (Barfly)

2009: Testimonies of a Quiet New England Town (Constable John Gilbert)

Ads, Ads, Everywhere!

There once was a simpler time; a time well before mine, in which advertisements were nostalgic and classy. Well, they weren’t nostalgic during their original run, of course; but to us now. Let’s not quibble, though. Ah…at long last, I’ve finally gotten to use quibble in a sentence. But I digress. I digress a lot.

Ads have been with us seemingly forever; actually. And they have served useful purposes. They’ve been the lifeblood of the commercial TV, radio and newspaper mediums since their beginnings.

And frankly without their influence they, along with many other business entities, would’ve (and it is would’ve; there’s no such thing as would of, could of or should of. The ‘ve part is short for have. But as I’ve mentioned I digress a lot) failed before they even got started.

But now, frankly, they are out of control.

Generations before us had the extraordinarily clever Burma Shave ads, dish nights at movie theaters, a jolly, obese Santa Claus downing an icy Coca Cola, and dancing hot dogs at drive-ins. (look them up, Millennials) Today, they’re just annoying interruptions- and they’re everywhere, pitching everything. There is simply no escaping them.

Every time I pump gas, drive or even relieve myself at a concert or sporting event, I’m held hostage by ads for junk I don’t care about. Unless I’m in my personal abode, everywhere I go; everywhere I look, there they are.

Ever try to read a story on your smartphone or computer- and just give up due to the blizzard of pop-ups you’re showered with throughout its wholly unnecessary slide-show format? I’d bet you have.

It doesn’t stop there. Listening to the Yankees game and want to know the score? Sure thing. They’ll bring it to you directly from the Lowe’s Broadcast Booth.

The Buffalo Bills sideline injury reports are sponsored by a law firm. Hopefully the day never comes when we hear: “Looks like Smith snapped his spine and had both legs severed on the play. This report brought to you by the law offices of Dewey, Cheatem and Howe.* Back to you, John”.

During election season, lawn signs sprout up like crabgrass. Honestly, in the history of politics, has anyone ever opted to change his or her vote based on viewing a lawn sign? I’d place the Over/Under on that at, roughly, zero.

These days, it seems political lawn signs are far more likely to invite vandalism by supporters of the opposing party than to spark any change-of-heart introspection.

I love sports, but there are no words to describe how little I care about any given product just because it’s endorsed by any athlete. Okay, sure; I do have a George Foreman grill. And while Mr. Foreman is certainly charismatic and fun to watch, I got it only because it’s a darn good grill.

I could go on and on, (I didn’t even get to the blatant product placements in movies and television shows) but I think the length of my rant is now sufficient. So I’ll move along to another topic.

Oh, and if you liked my anti-ad post, be sure to buy my six books, available at my website and online retailers everywhere.

This post has been sponsored by chrisjgay.com. Chris Gay- a great writer, a great author, a great voice-over artist, a great actor…in fact, just a great guy all-around.

*Three Stooges reference

God. The Devil. The Bet. The Fate of Mankind in the Balance. Check out Chris Gay’s new theological, paranormal crime thriller, Ghost of a Chance.

What if a late 20th Century Jack the Ripper tearing apart a small Connecticut town was the result of a pancake shop bet between God and the devil? Imagine if Satan’s impact on the world in the new millennium hinged entirely on one police officer’s skill in hunting down a ruthless killer…hiding in plain sight. Detective Danny Seabrook is an unwitting pawn in a divine chess match with immeasurable consequences for all mankind. Set primarily in 1995, this action-packed suspense thriller features clever dialogue, humor and romance-with an ending you will never forget.

*     *     *     *

‘Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal’ by Chris Gay

As the end draws near for long-retired Sherlock Holmes in Sussex Downs, he calls one last time for the company of his best friend and colleague, Dr. John Watson. What was meant to be four last days of camaraderie and reminiscing instead leads to the most shocking, explosive revelation both of the great detective’s career, and his life.

Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal is a Holmes tale like none other ever conceived. Fans of Baker Street’s legendary detective will be left with the insatiable need to contemplate its extraordinary conclusion forevermore.

*     *     *     *

Chris Gay is an author, freelance writer, voice-over artist, broadcaster and actor. For 7 years he wrote and broadcast a daily, minute radio humor spot in Hartford, Connecticut. He’s been published nationally in Writer’s Digest and has written the paranormal, theological thriller novel Ghost of a Chance, Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal, (an original, extraordinary short story on the great detective with a spectacular twist) and four humor books: And That’s the Way It Was…Give or Take: A Daily Dose of My Radio Writings, Shouldn’t Ice Cold Beer Be Frozen? My 365 Random Thoughts to Improve Your Life Not One Iota, and The Bachelor Cookbook: Edible Meals with a Side of Sarcasm & Another Round of Ice Cold Beer: My 365 More Random Thoughts to Improve Your Life Not One Iota. He’s written and voiced radio commercials, authored both comedic and non-comedic freelance articles, scripts, press releases, website, media and technical content, done occasional radio color commentary for local sports, and acted in a couple of movies and plays. His website is chrisjgay.com, and his humor blog can be found at chrisgay.wordpress.com.

http://www.chrisjgay.com

Author Page (on Facebook)

Chris Gay Author/Writer/ Humorist (on Facebook)

Ghost of a Chance (on Facebook)

Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal (on Facebook)

The Bachelor Cookbook: Edible Meals with a Side of Sarcasm (on Facebook)

And That’s the Way it Was…Give or Take: A Daily Dose of My Radio Writings (on Facebook)

Shouldn’t Ice Cold Beer Be Frozen? My 365 Random Thoughts to Improve Your Life Not One Iota (on Facebook)

Another Round of Ice Cold Beer: My 365 More Random Thoughts to Improve Your Life Not One Iota (on Facebook)

https://chrisgay.wordpress.com

Movies:

2012: Hope Springs (Barfly)

2009: Testimonies of a Quiet New England Town (Constable John Gilbert)

Valentine’s Day: A Humorous Exposition

And here we are again. With barely enough time for the nation to have collectively recovered from its annual raucous Groundhog Day celebrations, along comes the granddaddy of all Hallmark Holidays: Valentine’s Day.

The Power of Frivolity

Somewhere, somebody’s great-grandchildren are probably still living off the residuals earned by whoever it was that first came up with the idea to create a dumb holiday around an obscure Saint. A holiday that somehow has the power to prop up the greeting card, chocolate, flower, restaurant and bed & breakfast industries annually for an entire fiscal quarter. To be honest that’s pretty impressive.

Too Much, Too Soon

Is it really fair that guys have to trek right back out and search for another “perfect gift” seven lousy weeks after Christmas? Not to mention (but I will) that those men who aren’t botanists, (all of us, for example) must once again try to decipher the overly complex Carnation Color Code Chart. Or figure out the difference between long and short stem roses while debating the necessity of ferns, ribbons- and whatever the hell baby’s breath is?

Once that stuff is corralled to the best of our abilities, we must then decide on where to make reservations. And as any man who’s ever lived will tell you, whatever restaurant he picks likely won’t be the right one; unless it’s called ‘I Don’t Know,’ ‘I Don’t Care’, or ‘Anywhere Is Fine With Me’. Which brings me to the next point…

A One-Sided Affair

Although there are always exceptions to any rule, this “holiday” clearly exists for the benefit of one gender which shall women nameless. Sorry, I meant remain nameless. Men really don’t care as far as they themselves are concerned, and are just happy if they can get past it with their spouses sufficiently contented. (Though if she leaves that Whitman’s Sampler around, there’s a good chance she’ll later discover that a couple of chocolates went AWOL.) If given a vote to mothball V-Day, polling places nationwide would resemble rugby matches, with guys rushing for the chance to pull that Aye lever. And why?

Because Good Men…

Because good men who love their significant others don’t need an over-hyped day to show that love. They don’t want to give a few corporations the power to try and guilt them into performing like automatons for the benefit of those corporations’ bottom lines. A good man will remember birthdays, anniversaries, et cetera, and treat his lady well throughout the year. And also make certain to take a few other random days annually on which he’ll do something extra special. And if he doesn’t-or if she doesn’t-maybe one, or both, are settling. Ponder that, if you will.

Cupid, Draw Back Your Bow

I’ve really got nothing much to say in this paragraph. It’s just that as I’m writing this, that catchy Spinners 70’s tune about the cherubic matchmaker popped into my head. And it’s only fair that I now try to stick it into yours for the rest of the day. You’re welcome.

Singles

As of this writing, I too will be among the millions of you this year who’ll be single on Valentine’s Day. And yes, I realize that on February 14th it’ll feel like the music’s stopped and we’re left without chairs. (Though how we could be missing millions of chairs I’ll never know. Maybe they’re hanging out with all of those dryer socks.) Anyway, don’t fret.

Someday, perhaps as soon as next year, you’ll be able to join in the fun and expense of this annual bacchanalia of February romance again. So for now, just bask in the happiness that can only be truly known through binge-eating Chinese food- and having a free reign over your TV.

And if that’s not enough, just remember that the return of McDonald’s Shamrock Shakes is just around the corner!

God. The Devil. The Bet. The Fate of Mankind in the Balance. Check out Chris Gay’s new theological, paranormal crime thriller, Ghost of a Chance.

What if a late 20th Century Jack the Ripper tearing apart a small Connecticut town was the result of a pancake shop bet between God and the devil? Imagine if Satan’s impact on the world in the new millennium hinged entirely on one police officer’s skill in hunting down a ruthless killer…hiding in plain sight. Detective Danny Seabrook is an unwitting pawn in a divine chess match with immeasurable consequences for all mankind. Set primarily in 1995, this action-packed suspense thriller features clever dialogue, humor and romance-with an ending you will never forget.

*     *     *     *

‘Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal’ by Chris Gay

As the end draws near for long-retired Sherlock Holmes in Sussex Downs, he calls one last time for the company of his best friend and colleague, Dr. John Watson. What was meant to be four last days of camaraderie and reminiscing instead leads to the most shocking, explosive revelation both of the great detective’s career, and his life.

Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal is a Holmes tale like none other ever conceived. Fans of Baker Street’s legendary detective will be left with the insatiable need to contemplate its extraordinary conclusion forevermore.

*     *     *     *

Chris Gay is an author, freelance writer, voice-over artist, broadcaster and actor. For 7 years he wrote and broadcast a daily, minute radio humor spot in Hartford, Connecticut. He’s been published nationally in Writer’s Digest and has written the paranormal, theological thriller novel Ghost of a Chance, Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal, (an original, extraordinary short story on the great detective with a spectacular twist) and four humor books: And That’s the Way It Was…Give or Take: A Daily Dose of My Radio Writings, Shouldn’t Ice Cold Beer Be Frozen? My 365 Random Thoughts to Improve Your Life Not One Iota, and The Bachelor Cookbook: Edible Meals with a Side of Sarcasm & Another Round of Ice Cold Beer: My 365 More Random Thoughts to Improve Your Life Not One Iota. He’s written and voiced radio commercials, authored both comedic and non-comedic freelance articles, scripts, press releases, website, media and technical content, done occasional radio color commentary for local sports, and acted in a couple of movies and plays. His website is chrisjgay.com, and his humor blog can be found at chrisgay.wordpress.com.

http://www.chrisjgay.com

Author Page (on Facebook)

Chris Gay Author/Writer/ Humorist (on Facebook)

Ghost of a Chance (on Facebook)

Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal (on Facebook)

The Bachelor Cookbook: Edible Meals with a Side of Sarcasm (on Facebook)

And That’s the Way it Was…Give or Take: A Daily Dose of My Radio Writings (on Facebook)

Shouldn’t Ice Cold Beer Be Frozen? My 365 Random Thoughts to Improve Your Life Not One Iota (on Facebook)

Another Round of Ice Cold Beer: My 365 More Random Thoughts to Improve Your Life Not One Iota (on Facebook)

https://chrisgay.wordpress.com

Movies:

2012:

Hope Springs (Barfly)

2009:

Testimonies of a Quiet New England Town (Constable John Gilbert)

Folklore Musings: The Loch Ness Monster & Bermuda Triangle

The Loch Ness Monster

Embedded within the Highlands of Scotland lies Loch Ness, an abyssal freshwater lake that has gained widespread notoriety due to its most reclusive inhabitant, Nessie. The “Loch Ness Monster.”

Perhaps the most integral question raised in the previous paragraph is, were it not for that damned salty lake in Utah, would writers get to bypass the silly requirement of specifying “freshwater” when referencing lakes in articles?

I suppose if there’s one salt lake, there must be another. But if there isn’t, that dumb condiment bog is creating a lot of extra work. But I digress.

Now, as this is a blog post and not a novel we’ll skip ahead hundreds of years and begin this speculation in the 20th Century.

Eye Witness Accounts

Some accounts dating back to the 1930’s had various people supposedly encountering an amphibious creature both in and out of the loch’s water.

These versions vary from the improbable-sounding to the ludicrously outlandish. Sure, perhaps the latter was somewhat hyperbolic. But it sounds good and I’ve never had the opportunity to use ludicrously outlandish in a sentence before.

At any rate as the saying goes, pictures, or it didn’t happen. Speaking of which, what a perfect segue.

Fake Photographs

An assortment of photos spanning decades have purported to depict Nessie. However, through various means many of these pictures were ultimately revealed to be fake.

But the truth is that every photograph was an authentic photo; it was merely the depicted content of some that turned out to be shams. And while in context that is an unnecessary and meaningless distinction, explaining the difference was exceedingly crucial in swelling the word count of this article.

The Loch Ness Monster Itself

If Nessie does exist, he’s/she’s kind of lame for a so-called “monster.” While you can reasonably expect monsters to maintain some semblance of seclusion, sooner or later the job description obliges them to come out and scare folks. Not play hide-and-seek over the course of a millennium.

Yet this one never does. Not even to the requisite group of annoying campers who goof-off during the day, and then pair up at night to fornicate in abandoned cabins. Per the countless reels of celluloid devoted to this, you’d almost think that’s a requirement.

It’s no wonder there are so few horror flicks made featuring this bloke. For God’s sake, at one point somebody even swam the entire lake at once without so much as a glimpse of a nefarious fin. Or tail. Or anything. That’s just plain laziness, Nessie.

Nessie’s Greatest Impact

Nevertheless, while the ol’ leviathan rarely puts in a public appearance, it doesn’t mean his impact isn’t still felt across the globe.

Nessie and his theorized likeness have been godsends for both the local tourism industry, and companies producing tee shirts and bric-a-brac. Whether he exists is irrelevant, because the dough he rakes in certainly does.

In fact, while he may appear to some as a seal, fish or Plesiosaur, in reality what he resembles most is a Cash Cow.

And don’t forget his American cousin Champ in Vermont’s Lake Champlain, who’s been evading cameras while filling coffers himself for decades.

So to all of you budding knick-knack entrepreneurs, remember: you don’t really need an actual dinosaur to prosper with a roadside stand. Just a lake and a legend.

The Bermuda Triangle

The Bermuda Triangle has long been a subject of great interest for many. Is it real? Does it exist? Well, sure. Miami, San Juan and Bermuda are three relatively equidistant points which together form a triangle. That’s no mystery, it’s just simple geometry.

Unfortunately, that’s the easy part.

For decades believers in Triangle lore have considered it to be some kind of Roach Motel, where transport vehicles check in, but they don’t check out.

However the reality is that if the amount of traffic it receives is taken into consideration, there’s not much difference between the Bermuda Triangle and the less famous Acapulco Misplaced Sock Trapezoid; an area of Acapulco Bay in which, legend has it, millions of missing socks lost in dryers the world over are hiding out.

While there’s never been any real proof of anything abnormal or supernatural regarding the Triangle, there is one interesting hypothesis that’s tough to laugh off, and it’s put forth by those who think  the fabled lost continent of Atlantis lies somewhere beneath the Triangle’s enigmatic waves.

If that’s true, then perhaps there are beautiful mermaids and cold beverages down there, too. In that instance I’m not too sure I’d want to go home, either.

The truth is that tales like this can be very beneficial. For instance they created shows like In Search Of…; thereby giving Leonard Nimoy something to appear in between television Star Trek, and motion pictures Star Trek, that didn’t require a bowl cut and applied prosthetics.

Besides, what would the world be without a little cool speculative fun to ponder every now and again?

*     *     *     *

God. The Devil. The Bet. The Fate of Mankind in the Balance. Check out Chris Gay’s new theological, paranormal crime thriller, Ghost of a Chance.

What if a late 20th Century Jack the Ripper tearing apart a small Connecticut town was the result of a pancake shop bet between God and the devil? Imagine if Satan’s impact on the world in the new millennium hinged entirely on one police officer’s skill in hunting down a ruthless killer…hiding in plain sight. Detective Danny Seabrook is an unwitting pawn in a divine chess match with immeasurable consequences for all mankind. Set primarily in 1995, this action-packed suspense thriller features clever dialogue, humor and romance-with an ending you will never forget.

*     *     *     *

‘Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal’ by Chris Gay

As the end draws near for long-retired Sherlock Holmes in Sussex Downs, he calls one last time for the company of his best friend and colleague, Dr. John Watson. What was meant to be four last days of camaraderie and reminiscing instead leads to the most shocking, explosive revelation both of the great detective’s career, and his life.

Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal is a Holmes tale like none other ever conceived. Fans of Baker Street’s legendary detective will be left with the insatiable need to contemplate its extraordinary conclusion forevermore.

*     *     *     *

‘The Bachelor Cookbook: Edible Meals with a Side of Sarcasm’ by Chris Gay

The Bachelor Cookbook is the perfect (and likely only) addition to any guy’s collection of sarcastic culinary literature. If you’re between relationships and looking to make the most of whatever foodstuffs you’ve got until you meet that next special woman, then your prayers have been answered. Unless you’re an atheist; in which case coming across this book just means your luck was in today. For men looking for sustenance over style, I give you this spectacular cookbook. Well, I don’t “give it” to you, per se. You have to pay for it.

Featuring such taste-bud tempting recipes as:

Popcorn Salad

Meat on a Bed of Rice

Cheese and Crackers

Spaghetti Sandwich

Plus Miscellaneous Cookbook Humor, too!

Click the book poster below to visit my website’s online bookstore:

Chris Gay is an author, freelance writer, voice-over artist, broadcaster and actor. He writes and broadcasts a daily, minute radio humor spot in Hartford, Connecticut. He’s also written the paranormal, theological thriller novel Ghost of a Chance, the novella Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal, (an original, extraordinary short story on the great detective) Santa Claus: Kris Kringle From Man to Myth, a unique, realistic take of a classic tale, and several humor books:Something Witty this Way Comes, And That’s the Way It Was…Give or Take: A Daily Dose of My Radio Writings, Shouldn’t Ice Cold Beer Be Frozen? My 365 Random Thoughts to Improve Your Life Not One Iota, The Bachelor Cookbook: Edible Meals with a Side of Sarcasm and Another Round of Ice Cold Beer: My 365 More Random Thoughts to Improve Your Life Not One Iota. He’s been published nationally in Writer’s Digest and is currently writing the Ghost of a Chance sequel Perdition’s Wrath. Chris has written and voiced radio commercials, authored comedic, non-comedic and sports freelance articles, scripts, press releases, website, media and technical content, done occasional radio color commentary for local sports, and acted in a couple of movies and plays. His website is chrisjgay.com.

Facebook

Twitter: @chrisgay13

Movies:

2012: Hope Springs (Barfly)

2009: Testimonies of a Quiet New England Town (Constable John Gilbert)

The Big Business of Ghost Busting

 

There’s a huge uptick in interest regarding both ghost hunting and ghost haunting these days. In fact, according to the entirely fabricated Bureau of Fictitious Statistics, nearly one in every two television shows are devoted, or in some way connected, to the post-life life.

The difficulty for the public, of course, is determining which shows’ casts, “psychic mediums” and “haunted business” owners are legitimate, (or at least believe themselves to be) and which are as sincere as a politician’s outrage.

Things that Go ‘Cha-Ching!’ In the Night

It’s hard for a layman, or anyone, really, to distinguish which perceived phenomenon is real, which is unknown or misunderstood science, and which is simply an overactive imagination.

However, it’s not hard to imagine some business owners being unaware of the untapped potential publicity and profits that might come their way, should the rumor of a haunting in the edifice housing their various saloons and eateries spread.

But to give them the benefit of the doubt, is it really necessary for these owners-who are mere proprietors untrained in matters of the occult-to speculate on odd occurrences?

I mean, how are they really to discern if a glass of beer spills due to gravity or faulty craftsmanship, or if an 1880’s temperance advocate was blowing off a little steam in the 21st Century?

Instead it’s much better for them to call the producers of a highly-rated cable show and ask if they wouldn’t mind investigating; to make sure. You know, not for a piece of the action; just peace of mind.

One Psychic Medium, Hold the Theatrics

As far as Great Unknowns go, the Afterlife is the reigning king. It’s the largest question mark of our existence.

And while everyone has different interests, it’s probably safe to assume that if given the chance at an honest reply, the one query we’d all ask the world over is: What happens next? (Although we’d skip the italics)

Well, thank G- okay; thank whomever you may believe in (if applicable) that there are people who can answer that question.

You’ve heard of psychic mediums. And surely you’ve seen many of them on TV helping others out of the goodness of their hearts. Any ancillary promotional benefits or book sales they may receive are grudgingly tolerated merely as part of the cost of assisting mankind.

Unfortunately, that’s not how some skeptics see it. And the jealousy born of that skepticism rears its ugly head in the form of these non-believers spreading sordid tales of unbridled chicanery.

They introduce deceptive terms like “Cold Readings” and speak of “mic’d up audience seats,” as if the Gifted Ones would ever resort to such disreputable tactics.

However, to be fair, I will say that some of their results are beyond me. Who would’ve thought that so many spirits would fight their way back from the Great Beyond to enlist the aid of a psychic standing two feet from a loved one; and then choose that specific moment to start playing word games with them?

You see I can’t help but wonder why on these shows, whenever “Uncle Joe” makes a cameo from the Hereafter, he just doesn’t simply say “Hi. Tell Mary it’s me, her Uncle Joe. Thanks for your help.”

Instead the medium usually seems to state things to his or her client like:

“Have you ever had a male family member who has passed on? Yes? Okay, well I’m sensing he’s here now, and that his name starts with either a consonant or a vowel. I’m also sensing he may be your brother, father, husband uncle, cousin, second cousin or third cousin twice-removed. Wait, now he’s saying that in life he enjoyed making love to women and quaffing occasional beers. Does this sound like any man you might know, Mary?”

I also wonder why, to my knowledge, not a single one of them has ever asked while on camera of a visiting spirit: “Hey, wait! Before you go, Joe-like, is there a God?” It just seems like such an opportune time to ask such an obvious question.

But what do I know?

My Experiences

I myself have lived in a couple places where the unexplained has occurred. In fact one time many years ago my mom called in a pair of very well-known names in the field of parapsychology to check out our house. Which they, and later their assistants, did.

Now I hadn’t seen anything there first-hand, but I did see a thing or two after the fact that had piqued my interest in their findings. They themselves visited only once, but on that day the performance of medium-half of this team as we all walked the cellar together was a sight to behold.

Before they came I was unsure if we’d had any ghosts, or if they even existed at all. But by the time they’d finished they almost had me convinced that not only were there ghosts there, but enough to consider asking them for rent.

See, that’s the thing. On the one hand we want answers, but on the other we know many charlatans are out there looking to make a buck off our curiosities and bereavements.

Too be honest I’m of the opinion that there are indeed a few authentic psychics here and there looking to do good for people; but I also think they’re overshadowed by many who aren’t.

And I don’t mean the $5 county-fair palm readers, I speak of those who happily profit from inconsolable people by claiming a “gift” they know full well that they don’t have. They’re unconscionable, those morals-bereft swindlers.

The TV People

Those famous guys and gals all over cable TV who run from city to city with Radio Shack’s latest hardware in tow are a different story, however. You know going in that it’s merely entertainment, and as such sometimes you’re happy and willing to suspend disbelief in exchange for a few laughs and a night on the couch with a bowl of popcorn.

Also, it can be funny to see how far they’ll go to try and turn a century-old creaking floorboard into Satan himself.

Just once though I’d like to see them do a live show during which Casper or Sam Wheat actually shows up at 3a.m. to be interviewed. But I digress.

In Conclusion

Over the past several years I’ve seen a couple of things in my home that have given me pause, along with a few Kodak moments that have produced goosebumps rather than memories. But it’s difficult not to try and think of rational, scientific explanations for things. Even when there doesn’t seem to be any.

There are millions who’ve claimed to see ghosts or ghostly phenomenon but, even with all of this new technology it’s still been difficult to produce anything concrete. And that’s without even addressing how many ordinary people can now produce full length-movies, including effects, on their smartphones and laptops.

One thing is certain, though. As long as this Great Unknown remains just that, there will be folks trying to convince us something beyond exists. And for the most part, who cares? That’s cool.

Their shows are often entertaining, and we can always console ourselves in the knowledge that sooner or later we’re all going to find out the answer, anyway.

*     *     *     *

God. The Devil. The Bet. The Fate of Mankind in the Balance. Check out Chris Gay’s new theological, paranormal crime thriller, Ghost of a Chance.

What if a late 20th Century Jack the Ripper tearing apart a small Connecticut town was the result of a pancake shop bet between God and the devil? Imagine if Satan’s impact on the world in the new millennium hinged entirely on one police officer’s skill in hunting down a ruthless killer…hiding in plain sight. Detective Danny Seabrook is an unwitting pawn in a divine chess match with immeasurable consequences for all mankind. Set primarily in 1995, this action-packed suspense thriller features clever dialogue, humor and romance-with an ending you will never forget.

*     *     *     *

‘Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal’ by Chris Gay

As the end draws near for long-retired Sherlock Holmes in Sussex Downs, he calls one last time for the company of his best friend and colleague, Dr. John Watson. What was meant to be four last days of camaraderie and reminiscing instead leads to the most shocking, explosive revelation both of the great detective’s career, and his life.

Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal is a Holmes tale like none other ever conceived. Fans of Baker Street’s legendary detective will be left with the insatiable need to contemplate its extraordinary conclusion forevermore.

*     *     *     *

‘The Bachelor Cookbook: Edible Meals with a Side of Sarcasm’ by Chris Gay

The Bachelor Cookbook is the perfect (and likely only) addition to any guy’s collection of sarcastic culinary literature. If you’re between relationships and looking to make the most of whatever foodstuffs you’ve got until you meet that next special woman, then your prayers have been answered. Unless you’re an atheist; in which case coming across this book just means your luck was in today. For men looking for sustenance over style, I give you this spectacular cookbook. Well, I don’t “give it” to you, per se. You have to pay for it.

Featuring such taste-bud tempting recipes as:

Popcorn Salad

Meat on a Bed of Rice

Cheese and Crackers

Spaghetti Sandwich

Plus Miscellaneous Cookbook Humor, too!

Click the book poster below to visit my website’s online bookstore:

Chris Gay is an author, freelance writer, voice-over artist, broadcaster and actor. He writes and broadcasts a daily, minute radio humor spot in Hartford, Connecticut. He’s also written the paranormal, theological thriller novel Ghost of a Chance, the novella Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal, (an original, extraordinary short story on the great detective) Santa Claus: Kris Kringle From Man to Myth, a unique, realistic take of a classic tale, and several humor books:Something Witty this Way Comes, And That’s the Way It Was…Give or Take: A Daily Dose of My Radio Writings, Shouldn’t Ice Cold Beer Be Frozen? My 365 Random Thoughts to Improve Your Life Not One Iota, The Bachelor Cookbook: Edible Meals with a Side of Sarcasm and Another Round of Ice Cold Beer: My 365 More Random Thoughts to Improve Your Life Not One Iota. He’s been published nationally in Writer’s Digest and is currently writing the Ghost of a Chance sequel Perdition’s Wrath. Chris has written and voiced radio commercials, authored comedic, non-comedic and sports freelance articles, scripts, press releases, website, media and technical content, done occasional radio color commentary for local sports, and acted in a couple of movies and plays. His website is chrisjgay.com.

Facebook

Twitter: @chrisgay13

Movies:

2012: Hope Springs (Barfly)

2009: Testimonies of a Quiet New England Town (Constable John Gilbert)

25 Things I’ve Learned from the Original Star Wars Trilogy

By Chris Gay

25) A planet can be located within close proximity of two massive suns & not have a surface temperature of, like, 500 degrees Fahrenheit.

24) Cantina bands apparently don’t spend all that much time working on new material.

23) In galaxies far, far away, even moderately decent dialogue isn’t all that much of a priority.

22) The Emperor of this particular galaxy seems to possess the ability to foresee everything…except that one time his top subordinate will lift up & fling him into that bottomless abyss.

21) For those Jedi deemed the Chosen Ones, it pays to be left-handed.

20) It’s unclear as to whether Sith Lords fully understand the word Destiny as, generally speaking, they really don’t fluctuate all that much.

19) Despite emerging victorious in two out of three movies, no one in the Rebel Alliance ever seems to have a good feeling about anything.

18) A ruling-class space slug will build a fully caged-in rock pit for his carnivorous pet dinosaur, yet also build a massive, unnecessary steel door within it for seemingly no other reason than to give an adversarial Jedi a credible method in which to dispatch it.

17) When the helmet of a human cyborg is removed, his British accent will immediately become American.

16) The Princesses in some galaxies are far more blue collar than they are in others.

15) Wookies can apparently speak an entire language using, roughly, five different growls.

14) Little emphasis seems to be placed on the Marksmanship section of Stormtrooper Employee Entrance Exams.

13) Some of those X-Wing fighters get an astonishing amount of miles per gallon.

12) I guess depending on its mood, a light saber can either vaporize you entirely out of your incarnate existence or merely sever a limb.

11) 900 years of life is apparently still not long enough for the highest intellect in the galaxy to learn how to speak the words of his native language with anything even close to proper sentence construction.

10) In significantly advanced societies, affluent women change hairstyles only once every three years or so.

9) Despite state-of-the-art space ships, cruisers & cockpit technology, engineers evidently don’t see the need to install even one cup holder nor place one vending machine, like, anywhere in any of them.

8) Of all the pilots in the galaxy, the Rebel Alliance will decide to entrust the guy who just betrayed their most prominent members to their worst enemy with leading their charge against that same enemy.

7) A light saber is a beam of light that can easily pass through any substance in the universe; except the beam of light produced from another one.

6) In some galaxies, everyone from pilots to droids to animals to princesses possess the mechanical knowledge and ability to repair the internal workings of virtually any gigantic spacecraft.

5) Perhaps to satisfy a glaring need for etiquette, a galaxy inhabited almost exclusively by evil scum & protective monks will feel the need to construct a remarkably significant number of protocol droids.

4) There’s a certain irony in a desert-dwelling moisture farmer suddenly having to live on a snow-covered ice planet.

3) There evidently exists a species of cattle that can not only survive on a planet that possesses not so much as a single blade of grass but, also, produce blue milk.

2) If you’re the embodiment of evil who has nonchalantly destroyed billions of humans without care, as long as at the last possible second of your life you offer up a quick, quasi-apology, you can spend the afterlife peacefully hanging out with your ghost friends.

1) While in training, Jedi Knights seem to possess an almost superhuman ability to whine.

God. The Devil. The Bet. The Fate of Mankind in the Balance. Check out Chris Gay’s new theological, paranormal crime thriller, Ghost of a Chance.

What if a late 20th Century Jack the Ripper tearing apart a small Connecticut town was the result of a pancake shop bet between God and the devil? Imagine if Satan’s impact on the world in the new millennium hinged entirely on one police officer’s skill in hunting down a ruthless killer…hiding in plain sight. Detective Danny Seabrook is an unwitting pawn in a divine chess match with immeasurable consequences for all mankind. Set primarily in 1995, this action-packed suspense thriller features clever dialogue, humor and romance-with an ending you will never forget.

*     *     *     *

‘Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal’ by Chris Gay

As the end draws near for long-retired Sherlock Holmes in Sussex Downs, he calls one last time for the company of his best friend and colleague, Dr. John Watson. What was meant to be four last days of camaraderie and reminiscing instead leads to the most shocking, explosive revelation both of the great detective’s career, and his life.

Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal is a Holmes tale like none other ever conceived. Fans of Baker Street’s legendary detective will be left with the insatiable need to contemplate its extraordinary conclusion forevermore.

*     *     *     *

‘The Bachelor Cookbook: Edible Meals with a Side of Sarcasm’ by Chris Gay

The Bachelor Cookbook is the perfect (and likely only) addition to any guy’s collection of sarcastic culinary literature. If you’re between relationships and looking to make the most of whatever foodstuffs you’ve got until you meet that next special woman, then your prayers have been answered. Unless you’re an atheist; in which case coming across this book just means your luck was in today. For men looking for sustenance over style, I give you this spectacular cookbook. Well, I don’t “give it” to you, per se. You have to pay for it.

Featuring such taste-bud tempting recipes as:

Popcorn Salad

Meat on a Bed of Rice

Cheese and Crackers

Spaghetti Sandwich

Plus Miscellaneous Cookbook Humor, too!

*     *     *     *

Chris Gay is an author, freelance writer, voice-over artist, broadcaster and actor. He writes and broadcasts a daily, minute radio humor spot in Hartford, Connecticut. He’s also written the paranormal, theological thriller novel Ghost of a Chance, the novella Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal, (an original, extraordinary short story on the great detective) and several humor books: Something Witty this Way Comes, And That’s the Way It Was…Give or Take: A Daily Dose of My Radio Writings, Shouldn’t Ice Cold Beer Be Frozen? My 365 Random Thoughts to Improve Your Life Not One Iota, The Bachelor Cookbook: Edible Meals with a Side of Sarcasm and Another Round of Ice Cold Beer: My 365 More Random Thoughts to Improve Your Life Not One Iota; he’s also been published in Writer’s Digest. Currently he’s writing the Ghost of a Chance sequel Perdition’s Wrath, and has written and voiced radio commercials, authored both comedic, non-comedic and sports freelance articles, scripts, press releases, website, media and technical content, done occasional radio color commentary for local sports, and acted in a couple of movies and plays. His website is chrisjgay.com, and his humor blog can be found at chrisgay.wordpress.com.

Twitter: @chrisgay13

Movies:

2012: Hope Springs (Barfly)

2009: Testimonies of a Quiet New England Town (Constable John Gilbert)

25 Things I’ve Learned from Watching James Bond Movies

By Chris Gay

25) The U.S. military would actually sign off on a plan that allows a lunatic to waltz right into Fort Knox with an atomic device.

24) Highly-budgeted Casino Royale will be lavishly praised by critics, despite its climax being nearly identical to that of the Mel Gibson-Jodie Foster comedy Maverick.

23) There are haberdashers who will not only impeccably craft a bowler hat to your personal taste and comfort, but also customize it with a razor-sharp steel brim.

22) A secret agent will walk past a snake charmer and actually recognize that the guy is playing his own theme song.

21) The parents of gorgeous ‘60’s, ‘70’s & ‘80’s women were both cunningly creative and remarkably prophetic while naming their daughters.

20) MI6 will allow one single agent to bring the head of its organization to his secluded-and-fully-exposed home, let a treacherous villain and his gang of mercenaries know its exact location and then…provide no backup whatsoever and wait around to hear how it all turned out.

19) There exists people who are unable to notice a full-sized blimp flying so close behind them that a passenger can actually scoop them up right off the ground.

18) No matter where a secret agent goes in the world, be it a sunken ship or a cargo plane, there’s a better than average chance he’ll run into his boss sitting in an improvised-yet-fully-furnished office.

17) Neither a brilliant super-villain nor his team of pilots seem to have the capability of grasping the consequences of sudden cabin depressurization.

16) A satellite which could easily spot a 300 meter-wide satellite dish would not notice it being built into a massive lake that had been drained, cemented over, and refilled again.

15) A hundred miles from Earth with a space station crumbling around you is the best time to turn your focus toward celebrating a blossoming romance.

14) There are multi-billionaire newspaper magnates who believe that anonymously starting a full-scale nuclear war, just so their media empire can cover it, is a perfectly rational way to earn a little extra coin.

13) The British military actually allows milkmen to deliver to its top-secret safe houses.

12) A villain will be sadistic enough to set up an elaborate demise showcasing the evisceration of his adversary with a laser beam, but not be sadistic enough to stick around and watch.

11) Evil, bald, disfigured, cat-stroking megalomaniacal CEO’s who dismiss incompetent employees via piranha-infested indoor office ponds, are still overwhelmed with job applications for henchmen.

10) Q Branch has the capability to design the exact gadgets Bond will need for every predicament that he’ll find himself in during a mission…prior to that mission.

9) Two outwardly intelligent adults will look upon a flame-throwing tank with teeth literally painted on it…and actually believe that it’s a real dragon.

8) Two people sliding down a mountain in a cello case can outrun a small army of skiing mercenaries all the way into another country.

7) The best ways for a secret agent to maintain his anonymity are to ski off a mountain while employing a huge, Union Jack-adorned parachute, and to convert his submarine into a car then drive it directly out of the ocean and over the sand through a crowded beach.

6) With laughably-cheap eye prosthetics and a bad toupee, you can easily pass off a hairy, 6’2” heavily- accented Scottish man as Japanese, and no one will ever be the wiser.

5) There are casting directors and movie producers who truly believe that anyone, anywhere, at any time would buy Denise Richards as a nuclear physicist.

4) There are casting directors and movie producers who truly believe that anyone, anywhere, at any time would buy Madonna as a fencing instructor.

3) Regardless of strength or intellect, villains with peroxide-blond hair will have exceptionally short lifespans.

2) Hired mercenaries will still go to great lengths to carry out their contract on Bond even after the villain who commissioned them has been liquidated.

1) It’s seemingly an MI6 requirement that James Bond must dispatch his adversaries while simultaneously delivering a complementary wise-crack.

God. The Devil. The Bet. The Fate of Mankind in the Balance. Check out Chris Gay’s new theological, paranormal crime thriller, Ghost of a Chance.

What if a late 20th Century Jack the Ripper tearing apart a small Connecticut town was the result of a pancake shop bet between God and the devil? Imagine if Satan’s impact on the world in the new millennium hinged entirely on one police officer’s skill in hunting down a ruthless killer…hiding in plain sight. Detective Danny Seabrook is an unwitting pawn in a divine chess match with immeasurable consequences for all mankind. Set primarily in 1995, this action-packed suspense thriller features clever dialogue, humor and romance-with an ending you will never forget.

*     *     *     *

‘Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal’ by Chris Gay

As the end draws near for long-retired Sherlock Holmes in Sussex Downs, he calls one last time for the company of his best friend and colleague, Dr. John Watson. What was meant to be four last days of camaraderie and reminiscing instead leads to the most shocking, explosive revelation both of the great detective’s career, and his life.

Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal is a Holmes tale like none other ever conceived. Fans of Baker Street’s legendary detective will be left with the insatiable need to contemplate its extraordinary conclusion forevermore.

*     *     *     *

‘The Bachelor Cookbook: Edible Meals with a Side of Sarcasm’ by Chris Gay

The Bachelor Cookbook is the perfect (and likely only) addition to any guy’s collection of sarcastic culinary literature. If you’re between relationships and looking to make the most of whatever foodstuffs you’ve got until you meet that next special woman, then your prayers have been answered. Unless you’re an atheist; in which case coming across this book just means your luck was in today. For men looking for sustenance over style, I give you this spectacular cookbook. Well, I don’t “give it” to you, per se. You have to pay for it.

Featuring such taste-bud tempting recipes as:

Popcorn Salad

Meat on a Bed of Rice

Cheese and Crackers

Spaghetti Sandwich

Plus Miscellaneous Cookbook Humor, too!

*     *     *     *

Chris Gay is an author, freelance writer, voice-over artist, broadcaster and actor. He writes and broadcasts a daily, minute radio humor spot in Hartford, Connecticut. He’s also written the paranormal, theological thriller novel Ghost of a Chance, the novella Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal, (an original, extraordinary short story on the great detective) and three humor books: And That’s the Way It Was…Give or Take: A Daily Dose of My Radio Writings, Shouldn’t Ice Cold Beer Be Frozen? My 365 Random Thoughts to Improve Your Life Not One Iota, and The Bachelor Cookbook: Edible Meals with a Side of Sarcasm. He’s been published nationally in Writer’s Digest and is currently writing his fourth, fifth and sixth humor books, Another Round of Ice Cold Beer: My 365 More Random Thoughts to Improve Your Life Not One Iota,  Something Witty this Way Comes and Politically Correct Movie Reviews.

Also, he’s writing the Ghost of a Chance sequel Perdition’s Wrath, and has written and voiced radio commercials, authored both comedic and non-comedic freelance articles, scripts, press releases, website, media and technical content, done occasional radio color commentary for local sports, and acted in a couple of movies and plays. His website is chrisjgay.com, and his humor blog can be found at chrisgay.wordpress.com.

Twitter: @chrisgay13

Movies:

2012: Hope Springs (Barfly)

2009: Testimonies of a Quiet New England Town (Constable John Gilbert)

My More Realistic, Yet Still Fun, Bucket List

By Chris Gay

Someday I’d like to bravely:

•Walk through a shark-infested aquarium

• Play a guitar while telling jokes onstage in front of a huge crowd, & see how long it takes them to realize that I have no idea whatsoever how to play a guitar

• Ask a proud, family-owned pizzeria if I might special order two dozen authentic, Old World pies made just like my great-grandma used to & then, after they agree, tell them she was Lithuanian

• Accept defeat at a round of miniature golf in a manner proportionate to losing a round of miniature golf

• Walk into an Apple store & ask an associate where they keep the typewriter ribbons

• Call the manager of a Mall Food Court burger stand & stubbornly insist that his staff got my order wrong at the drive-thru

• Call every rock station in Cincinnati, Ohio & stubbornly insist that they put Dr. Johnny Fever back on the air

• Drive up to the front of an Antique Shop in a DeLorean, run in, & demand all of my stuff back

• Attend a baseball card show featuring mid-‘80’s ballplayers &, upon reaching their table, off-handedly mention that isn’t it extraordinary how much athletes’ salaries have skyrocketed since 1990

• Challenge myself to pour into the washer not a single drop of laundry detergent more than is instructed on the bottle

• Write the Hershey Corporation to request they discontinue both Mounds & Almond Joy because, after years of trying, I just can’t decide between them & no longer wish to try

• Take my watch to a repair shop & tell the owner that I need it set to Western Standard Time

• Request to perform the lengthiest song in a Karaoke DJ’s catalogue & then, after she calls me to the stage, lip sync to it

• Wait until a Karaoke DJ is completely overwhelmed, then walk over & demand to see his list of instrumentals

• Walk up to a Convent with a dozen roses, knock on the door & when someone answers, ask her if she wouldn’t mind seeing if Sister Catherine is ready, as we’re already running late for the movie.

• Drive into a parking lot blaring, at maximum bass & volume levels, an ‘80’s pop song like ‘C’mon, Eileen’ or ‘The Safety Dance’

• Wear a monocle while out & about with jeans, sneakers & a tee shirt

• See if Pamplona also hosts an annual ‘Running of the Kittens’ &, if so, do that one instead

• Smugly ask a European when they finally plan on abandoning the Metric System for ours.

• Make a spectacle of successfully parachuting into my parking space from the curb

• Ask a shorter person if he or she’d mind getting me a grocery item from the bottom shelf for once, instead of it always being the other way around

• Come across one of those model-laden, late night Super Bra infomercials & see if at least just once I can bring myself to click past before it ends

• Shave my head completely bald, then walk into a barbershop & tell the barber not to shorten my bangs too much

• See if I can finish a 4 Meter Road Race

• Try & produce a neatly-signed book autograph with a quill pen & ink on the very first try

• Play chess by telephone during a thunderstorm that’s no closer than two counties away

• Notice a small grammatical error within an internet post of mine, & then see if I can let myself just leave it be

• Try to consume an order of chain restaurant chicken tenders in such a manner as to see if it’s scientifically possible to leave even an atom of sauce in the thimble-sized container that accompanies them

• Hang around an appliance store with a few paper towels till some customers ask to buy a self-cleaning oven, then walk over, introduce myself as Mr. Self, & ask if they think I’ll enjoy my new home

• Write to Lionel Richie & nicely ask if he wouldn’t mind getting me the autograph of an obscure Commodore

• Leave a restaurant buffet for home without trying to stuff down at least one form of dessert

• Finally put in the effort & patience to see if I can for once actually wrap a single present as well as any woman I’ve ever dated

• Waste not a second more time wondering if, after hearing an ad in which friends have an absurdly enthusiastic dialogue about a name brand of butter, a similar conversation has ever occurred between two people in real life at any point in recorded history

• Successfully pitch a Syndicate on the concept of a witty, cleverly written comic strip featuring nothing but stick figures so I could do the whole thing myself

• Graciously accept a compliment without instinctively tossing out a self-depreciative quip

• Know when to stop writing these occasional humor lists I craft for my blog without trying to think of just one joke more.

• No, really

God. The Devil. The Bet. The Fate of Mankind in the Balance. Check out Chris Gay’s new theological, paranormal crime thriller, Ghost of a Chance.

What if a late 20th Century Jack the Ripper tearing apart a small Connecticut town was the result of a pancake shop bet between God and the devil? Imagine if Satan’s impact on the world in the new millennium hinged entirely on one police officer’s skill in hunting down a ruthless killer…hiding in plain sight. Detective Danny Seabrook is an unwitting pawn in a divine chess match with immeasurable consequences for all mankind. Set primarily in 1995, this action-packed suspense thriller features clever dialogue, humor and romance-with an ending you will never forget.

*     *     *     *

‘Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal’ by Chris Gay

As the end draws near for long-retired Sherlock Holmes in Sussex Downs, he calls one last time for the company of his best friend and colleague, Dr. John Watson. What was meant to be four last days of camaraderie and reminiscing instead leads to the most shocking, explosive revelation both of the great detective’s career, and his life.

Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal is a Holmes tale like none other ever conceived. Fans of Baker Street’s legendary detective will be left with the insatiable need to contemplate its extraordinary conclusion forevermore.

*     *     *     *

‘The Bachelor Cookbook: Edible Meals with a Side of Sarcasm’ by Chris Gay

The Bachelor Cookbook is the perfect (and likely only) addition to any guy’s collection of sarcastic culinary literature. If you’re between relationships and looking to make the most of whatever foodstuffs you’ve got until you meet that next special woman, then your prayers have been answered. Unless you’re an atheist; in which case coming across this book just means your luck was in today. For men looking for sustenance over style, I give you this spectacular cookbook. Well, I don’t “give it” to you, per se. You have to pay for it.

Featuring such taste-bud tempting recipes as:

Popcorn Salad

Meat on a Bed of Rice

Cheese and Crackers

Spaghetti Sandwich

Plus Miscellaneous Cookbook Humor, too!

*     *     *     *

Chris Gay is an author, freelance writer, voice-over artist, broadcaster and actor. He writes and broadcasts a daily, minute radio humor spot in Hartford, Connecticut. He’s also written the paranormal, theological thriller novel Ghost of a Chance, the novella Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal, (an original, extraordinary short story on the great detective) and three humor books: And That’s the Way It Was…Give or Take: A Daily Dose of My Radio Writings, Shouldn’t Ice Cold Beer Be Frozen? My 365 Random Thoughts to Improve Your Life Not One Iota, and The Bachelor Cookbook: Edible Meals with a Side of Sarcasm. He’s been published nationally in Writer’s Digest and is currently writing his fourth, fifth and sixth humor books, Another Round of Ice Cold Beer: My 365 More Random Thoughts to Improve Your Life Not One Iota,  Something Witty this Way Comes and Politically Correct Movie Reviews.

Also, he’s writing the Ghost of a Chance sequel Perdition’s Wrath, and has written and voiced radio commercials, authored both comedic and non-comedic freelance articles, scripts, press releases, website, media and technical content, done occasional radio color commentary for local sports, and acted in a couple of movies and plays. His website is chrisjgay.com, and his humor blog can be found at chrisgay.wordpress.com.

Twitter: @chrisgay13

Movies:

2012: Hope Springs (Barfly)

2009: Testimonies of a Quiet New England Town (Constable John Gilbert)

25 Things I’ve Learned from Watching It’s a Wonderful Life

By Chris Gay

1) In some bars, regardless of what you order you’ll get bourbon and like it.

2) During the time an angel is showing a man how his family and friends are affected by his no longer having been born, his current born/not born status somehow also determines whether or not it snows.

3) It’s a good idea for a financial institution to leave its safe, which is located in full view of the public and blocked only by a counter so easy to hurdle that its own CEO routinely jumps over it, completely unlocked and open.

4) Despite the almost comical number of Keep off the Grass signs a town places along the median strip of its main street, that is exactly where the townsfolk will choose to stand on or run across at every chance they get.

5) In response to being punched by a drunk who then runs off into the night, a senior police officer, while surrounded by hundreds of people, will pull his piece and, without really aiming, casually squeeze off multiple rounds through the center of town.

6) In some towns, snow will visibly remain on you and your clothes not only long after you’ve entered a home or business, but also while you’re submerged in a river.

7) When a man’s date is interrupted by an uncle driving up to him with urgent news, instead of offering her a ride back with them, he’ll leave the woman standing on the street in the dark of night wearing only a bathrobe.

8) A man who will otherwise do anything for anyone, will consistently mock and ignore the only friend in town who has, despite his annoying “Hee-Haw!” catchphrase, tried to legitimately make him rich throughout his entire adult life.

9) Unless you’re a relatively dim-witted angel, the type of tasks you’re assigned by Heaven to successfully complete in order to earn your wings are apparently not all that difficult.

10) A movie theater with the capacity to show only two films would rather its customers try and guess what the second feature is, instead of just listing it by its name below the first one on the marquee.

11) When a group of men arrive at a house to talk to its owner and find that neither he nor his wife are home, they’ll simply walk in and hang out in the living room.

12) The maximum depth of the Bedford Falls High School swimming pool is approximately four feet.

13) A town in which a man and an elderly angel can walk completely around and across in less than ten minutes needs a full-time taxi driver.

14) An uncle so daft as to forget his nephew’s wedding, which the entire town attends and occurs three blocks away, is the logical choice to be entrusted with handling the family business’s large cash transactions.

15) A police officer is able to leave a small town bridge during a blizzard and drive to the nearest airport to pick up a man who he didn’t even know was coming, then drive all the way back to that man’s brother’s house…in around eight minutes.

16) An old, blighted house with no windows intact, broken-fencing and a desperate need for grounds-keeping maintenance will be allowed to sit in its decrepit, condemnable state for years in the middle of a residential neighborhood.

17) An angel will somehow be able to acquire and read a book that was published 223 years after he passed away.

18) While on-duty, a town’s only police officer has plenty of time to spend on its outskirts hanging leisure and travel destination posters all over the house of a grown man.

19) A man’s impromptu workday can apparently be so busy, he’ll actually forget that he was married in an immense ceremony a few hours earlier.

20) A county will knowingly appoint its most unscrupulous, despised citizen head of the local draft board.

21) A man will get angry at his uncle for carelessly waving thousands of dollars around, even though both he and his wife did the same thing earlier in the back of a taxi.

22) A customer can sit at a drug store counter and eat the same chocolate coconut ice cream sundae for over an hour without it melting at all whatsoever.

23) There somewhere exists a newly married, nearly-broke man who would turn down the equivalent of a $300,000 annual salary plus extensive perks, to continue doing the same job for the equivalent $35,000.

24) A public financial institution is the best place for its senior officer to keep and let roam free his pet squirrel, raven, owl, dog and parakeet.

25) No one in Bedford Falls, including the owner of its only-and thriving- bar, apparently has enough credit to receive a small home loan from the town’s primary bank; begging the question as to how Henry F. Potter could be so filthy rich without seemingly ever lending out money to anyone. Even Ebenezer Scrooge lent money to the riff-raff.

God. The Devil. The Bet. The Fate of Mankind in the Balance. Check out Chris Gay’s new theological, paranormal crime thriller, Ghost of a Chance.

What if a late 20th Century Jack the Ripper tearing apart a small Connecticut town was the result of a pancake shop bet between God and the devil? Imagine if Satan’s impact on the world in the new millennium hinged entirely on one police officer’s skill in hunting down a ruthless killer…hiding in plain sight. Detective Danny Seabrook is an unwitting pawn in a divine chess match with immeasurable consequences for all mankind. Set primarily in 1995, this action-packed suspense thriller features clever dialogue, humor and romance-with an ending you will never forget.

*     *     *     *

‘Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal’ by Chris Gay

As the end draws near for long-retired Sherlock Holmes in Sussex Downs, he calls one last time for the company of his best friend and colleague, Dr. John Watson. What was meant to be four last days of camaraderie and reminiscing instead leads to the most shocking, explosive revelation both of the great detective’s career, and his life.

Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal is a Holmes tale like none other ever conceived. Fans of Baker Street’s legendary detective will be left with the insatiable need to contemplate its extraordinary conclusion forevermore.

*     *     *     *

‘The Bachelor Cookbook: Edible Meals with a Side of Sarcasm’ by Chris Gay

The Bachelor Cookbook is the perfect (and likely only) addition to any guy’s collection of sarcastic culinary literature. If you’re between relationships and looking to make the most of whatever foodstuffs you’ve got until you meet that next special woman, then your prayers have been answered. Unless you’re an atheist; in which case coming across this book just means your luck was in today. For men looking for sustenance over style, I give you this spectacular cookbook. Well, I don’t “give it” to you, per se. You have to pay for it.

Featuring such taste-bud tempting recipes as:

Popcorn Salad

Meat on a Bed of Rice

Cheese and Crackers

Spaghetti Sandwich

Plus Miscellaneous Cookbook Humor, too!

*     *     *     *

Chris Gay is an author, freelance writer, voice-over artist, broadcaster and actor. He writes and broadcasts a daily, minute radio humor spot in Hartford, Connecticut. He’s also written the paranormal, theological thriller novel Ghost of a Chance, the novella Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal, (an original, extraordinary short story on the great detective) and three humor books: And That’s the Way It Was…Give or Take: A Daily Dose of My Radio Writings, Shouldn’t Ice Cold Beer Be Frozen? My 365 Random Thoughts to Improve Your Life Not One Iota, and The Bachelor Cookbook: Edible Meals with a Side of Sarcasm. He’s been published nationally in Writer’s Digest and is currently writing his fourth, fifth and sixth humor books, Another Round of Ice Cold Beer: My 365 More Random Thoughts to Improve Your Life Not One Iota,  Something Witty this Way Comes and Politically Correct Movie Reviews.

Also, he’s writing the Ghost of a Chance sequel Perdition’s Wrath, and has written and voiced radio commercials, authored both comedic and non-comedic freelance articles, scripts, press releases, website, media and technical content, done occasional radio color commentary for local sports, and acted in a couple of movies and plays. His website is chrisjgay.com, and his humor blog can be found at chrisgay.wordpress.com.

Twitter: @chrisgay13

Movies:

2012: Hope Springs (Barfly)

2009: Testimonies of a Quiet New England Town (Constable John Gilbert)

25 Things I Learned from Watching the ‘Rocky’ Movie Series

25 Things I Learned from Watching the Rocky Movie Series

By Chris Gay

1) You can hold an internationally televised World Heavyweight Championship title fight in an empty arena and believe no one will notice, simply because you dimmed the lights.

2) There is a script writer who thinks Thunderlips is an intimidating name for a professional wrestler.

3) I would not want to be the fool that Mr. T pities for having the nerve to step into the ring with him.

4) It apparently is not astonishingly arrogant to hire a tuxedo-clad, five-piece band to continually play your own theme song to you while you train for a fight.

5) Spending a month’s worth of days punching the ribs of cattle carcasses with your unprotected fists will result in no injury to your hands whatsoever.

6) A 34-year old punch-drunk boxer can win a footrace against a chiseled, former NFL cornerback who is still in playing shape.

7) Chicago’s toughest fighter has no issue sporting a haircut that makes him look like a Pez dispenser every time his head snaps back from a punch.

8) There exists an actual thick, hardcover book listing the names, nicknames and statistics for every no-name, washed-up club fighter in eastern Pennsylvania.

9) An extremely shy, introverted “pet shop dame” can temporarily transform into the Knute Rockne of inspirational speakers whenever her uncertain husband has a chance to earn a huge payday.

10) Trained Paramedics will leave an elderly man lying on a locker room bench gasping for air, and provide no medical attention, until the end of a sporting event because the man says he wants to wait and see who wins.

11) At one-day old, you can have a thicker head of hair than Elvis Presley and Don King combined.

12) High-ranking government officials will publicly applaud a citizen of their country’s largest enemy-immediately after he completely embarrasses them on a worldwide stage-because he manages to slur a couple sentences worth of sentimentality.

13) The more vicious a beating a boxer takes, the more intelligent he seems to become afterward.

14) In the pre-internet age, a drunken loser with less intellect than a coffee mug can successfully re-program the generic, factory-installed voice of a multi-thousand dollar robot maid into one resembling a sultry nymphomaniac.

15) When realizing the man you consider a son is getting beaten within an inch of his life you’ll repeatedly scream “Throw in the towel!” at your fellow corner-man-who is standing there like a moron-instead of reaching out, grabbing the towel, and throwing it yourself.

16) It’s a good idea for a man, whose sole legitimate means of supporting himself depends squarely upon remaining healthy and intact, to jog multiple times around an ice hockey rink in street shoes.

17) Once a boxer becomes a multi-millionaire he will move his elderly manager into his mansion, but then draw the line at helping him finally upgrade a hearing aid that looks worse than a dollar store ear bud.

18) The final round of a Championship Title bout is apparently ninety seconds shorter than every round which precedes it.

19) The best way to avenge your friend and honor his memory is to fight the steroid-enhanced monster who destroyed him-and who also owns a foot of height and sixty pound weight advantage over you-for free, in his country, on Christmas Day.

20) The Pennsylvania Boxing Commission will sanction an internationally-covered heavyweight title fight between its sport’s current beloved champion, and an unknown, amateur fighter who is employed as a “leg-breaker for a cheap, second-rate loan shark.”

21) The Pennsylvania Boxing Commission will sanction a fight between the 24-year old World Heavyweight Champion and a 60-year old restaurateur, after being talked into it upon hearing the wise, sound words of the latter; the same man who once admitted to never using “condominiums” while sleeping around.

22) A punch-drunk boxer with no ability to pronounce even a single paragraph of monosyllabic words can, after reading a couple of dime store novels, transform himself into a suave, commercial pitchman with vocal skills and diction that Morgan Freeman might envy.

23) Apollo Creed’s boxing shorts are apparently ‘One-Size-Fits-All.’

24) After a life of poverty, if you earn a decent, one-time payday and then retire, the best things a man with no marketable skills whatsoever can do financially is spend the money on a posh house at first sight, and an expensive car he doesn’t know how to drive.

25) An ex-World Champ, who is relentlessly haunted by losing the Heavyweight Title, will spend months training the guy who took it from him so he can battle someone else, when it’s clear that his former adversary is so physically and mentally out of shape he could just fight him again and easily reclaim the Belt.

God. The Devil. The Bet. The Fate of Mankind in the Balance. Check out Chris Gay’s new theological, paranormal crime thriller, Ghost of a Chance.

What if a late 20th Century Jack the Ripper tearing apart a small Connecticut town was the result of a pancake shop bet between God and the devil? Imagine if Satan’s impact on the world in the new millennium hinged entirely on one police officer’s skill in hunting down a ruthless killer…hiding in plain sight. Detective Danny Seabrook is an unwitting pawn in a divine chess match with immeasurable consequences for all mankind. Set primarily in 1995, this action-packed suspense thriller features clever dialogue, humor and romance-with an ending you will never forget.

*     *     *     *

‘Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal’ by Chris Gay

As the end draws near for long-retired Sherlock Holmes in Sussex Downs, he calls one last time for the company of his best friend and colleague, Dr. John Watson. What was meant to be four last days of camaraderie and reminiscing instead leads to the most shocking, explosive revelation both of the great detective’s career, and his life.

Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal is a Holmes tale like none other ever conceived. Fans of Baker Street’s legendary detective will be left with the insatiable need to contemplate its extraordinary conclusion forevermore.

*     *     *     *

‘The Bachelor Cookbook: Edible Meals with a Side of Sarcasm’ by Chris Gay

The Bachelor Cookbook is the perfect (and likely only) addition to any guy’s collection of sarcastic culinary literature. If you’re between relationships and looking to make the most of whatever foodstuffs you’ve got until you meet that next special woman, then your prayers have been answered. Unless you’re an atheist; in which case coming across this book just means your luck was in today. For men looking for sustenance over style, I give you this spectacular cookbook. Well, I don’t “give it” to you, per se. You have to pay for it.

Featuring such taste-bud tempting recipes as:

Popcorn Salad

Meat on a Bed of Rice

Cheese and Crackers

Spaghetti Sandwich

Plus Miscellaneous Cookbook Humor, too!

*     *     *     *

Chris Gay is an author, freelance writer, voice-over artist, broadcaster and actor. He writes and broadcasts a daily, minute radio humor spot in Hartford, Connecticut. He’s also written the paranormal, theological thriller novel Ghost of a Chance, the novella Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal, (an original, extraordinary short story on the great detective) and three humor books: And That’s the Way It Was…Give or Take: A Daily Dose of My Radio Writings, Shouldn’t Ice Cold Beer Be Frozen? My 365 Random Thoughts to Improve Your Life Not One Iota, and The Bachelor Cookbook: Edible Meals with a Side of Sarcasm. He’s been published nationally in Writer’s Digest and is currently writing his fourth, fifth and sixth humor books, Another Round of Ice Cold Beer: My 365 More Random Thoughts to Improve Your Life Not One Iota,  Something Witty this Way Comes and Politically Correct Movie Reviews. Also, he’s writing the Ghost of a Chance sequel Perdition’s Wrath, and has written and voiced radio commercials, authored both comedic and non-comedic freelance articles, scripts, press releases, website, media and technical content, done occasional radio color commentary for local sports, and acted in a couple of movies and plays. His website is chrisjgay.com, and his humor blog can be found at chrisgay.wordpress.com.

Twitter: @chrisgay13

Movies:

2012: Hope Springs (Barfly)

2009: Testimonies of a Quiet New England Town (Constable John Gilbert)