Someday I’d like to bravely:
•Walk through a shark-infested aquarium
• Play a guitar while telling jokes onstage in front of a huge crowd, & see how long it takes them to realize that I have no idea whatsoever how to play a guitar
• Ask a proud, family-owned pizzeria if I might special order two dozen authentic, Old World pies made just like my great-grandma used to & then, after they agree, tell them she was Lithuanian
• Accept defeat at a round of miniature golf in a manner proportionate to losing a round of miniature golf
• Walk into an Apple store & ask an associate where they keep the typewriter ribbons
• Call the manager of a Mall Food Court burger stand & stubbornly insist that his staff got my order wrong at the drive-thru
• Drive up to the front of an Antique Shop in a DeLorean, run in, & demand all of my stuff back
• Attend a baseball card show featuring mid-‘80’s ballplayers &, upon reaching their table, off-handedly mention that isn’t it extraordinary how much athletes’ salaries have skyrocketed since 1990
• Challenge myself to pour into the washer not a single drop of laundry detergent more than is instructed on the bottle
• Write the Hershey Corporation to request they discontinue both Mounds & Almond Joy because, after years of trying, I just can’t decide between them & no longer wish to try
• Take my watch to a repair shop & tell the owner that I need it set to Western Standard Time
• Request to perform the lengthiest song in a Karaoke DJ’s catalogue & then, after she calls me to the stage, lip sync to it
• Wait until a Karaoke DJ is completely overwhelmed, then walk over & demand to see his list of instrumentals
• Walk up to a Convent with a dozen roses, knock on the door & when someone answers, ask her if she wouldn’t mind seeing if Sister Catherine is ready, as we’re already running late for the movie.
• Drive into a parking lot blaring, at maximum bass & volume levels, an ‘80’s pop song like ‘C’mon, Eileen’ or ‘The Safety Dance’
• Wear a monocle while out & about with jeans, sneakers & a tee shirt
• See if Pamplona also hosts an annual ‘Running of the Kittens’ &, if so, do that one instead
• Smugly ask a European when they finally plan on abandoning the Metric System for ours.
• Make a spectacle of successfully parachuting into my parking space from the curb
• Ask a shorter person if he or she’d mind getting me a grocery item from the bottom shelf for once, instead of it always being the other way around
• Come across one of those model-laden, late night Super Bra infomercials & see if at least just once I can bring myself to click past before it ends
• Shave my head completely bald, then walk into a barbershop & tell the barber not to shorten my bangs too much
• See if I can finish a 4 Meter Road Race
• Try & produce a neatly-signed book autograph with a quill pen & ink on the very first try
• Play chess by telephone during a thunderstorm that’s no closer than two counties away
• Notice a small grammatical error within an internet post of mine, & then see if I can let myself just leave it be
• Try to consume an order of chain restaurant chicken tenders in such a manner as to see if it’s scientifically possible to leave even an atom of sauce in the thimble-sized container that accompanies them
• Hang around an appliance store with a few paper towels till some customers ask to buy a self-cleaning oven, then walk over, introduce myself as Mr. Self, & ask if they think I’ll enjoy my new home
• Write to Lionel Richie & nicely ask if he wouldn’t mind getting me the autograph of an obscure Commodore
• Leave a restaurant buffet for home without trying to stuff down at least one form of dessert
• Finally put in the effort & patience to see if I can for once actually wrap a single present as well as any woman I’ve ever dated
• Waste not a second more time wondering if, after hearing an ad in which friends have an absurdly enthusiastic dialogue about a name brand of butter, a similar conversation has ever occurred between two people in real life at any point in recorded history
• Successfully pitch a Syndicate on the concept of a witty, cleverly written comic strip featuring nothing but stick figures so I could do the whole thing myself
• Graciously accept a compliment without instinctively tossing out a self-depreciative quip
• Know when to stop writing these occasional humor lists I craft for my blog without trying to think of just one joke more.
• No, really
What if a late 20th Century Jack the Ripper tearing apart a small Connecticut town was the result of a pancake shop bet between God and the devil? Imagine if Satan’s impact on the world in the new millennium hinged entirely on one police officer’s skill in hunting down a ruthless killer…hiding in plain sight. Detective Danny Seabrook is an unwitting pawn in a divine chess match with immeasurable consequences for all mankind. Set primarily in 1995, this action-packed suspense thriller features clever dialogue, humor and romance-with an ending you will never forget.
* * * *
As the end draws near for long-retired Sherlock Holmes in Sussex Downs, he calls one last time for the company of his best friend and colleague, Dr. John Watson. What was meant to be four last days of camaraderie and reminiscing instead leads to the most shocking, explosive revelation both of the great detective’s career, and his life.
Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal is a Holmes tale like none other ever conceived. Fans of Baker Street’s legendary detective will be left with the insatiable need to contemplate its extraordinary conclusion forevermore.
* * * *
The Bachelor Cookbook is the perfect (and likely only) addition to any guy’s collection of sarcastic culinary literature. If you’re between relationships and looking to make the most of whatever foodstuffs you’ve got until you meet that next special woman, then your prayers have been answered. Unless you’re an atheist; in which case coming across this book just means your luck was in today. For men looking for sustenance over style, I give you this spectacular cookbook. Well, I don’t “give it” to you, per se. You have to pay for it.
Featuring such taste-bud tempting recipes as:
Meat on a Bed of Rice
Cheese and Crackers
Plus Miscellaneous Cookbook Humor, too!
* * * *
Chris Gay is an author, freelance writer, voice-over artist, broadcaster and actor. He writes and broadcasts a daily, minute radio humor spot in Hartford, Connecticut. He’s also written the paranormal, theological thriller novel Ghost of a Chance, the novella Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal, (an original, extraordinary short story on the great detective) and three humor books: And That’s the Way It Was…Give or Take: A Daily Dose of My Radio Writings, Shouldn’t Ice Cold Beer Be Frozen? My 365 Random Thoughts to Improve Your Life Not One Iota, and The Bachelor Cookbook: Edible Meals with a Side of Sarcasm. He’s been published nationally in Writer’s Digest and is currently writing his fourth, fifth and sixth humor books, Another Round of Ice Cold Beer: My 365 More Random Thoughts to Improve Your Life Not One Iota, Something Witty this Way Comes and Politically Correct Movie Reviews.
Also, he’s writing the Ghost of a Chance sequel Perdition’s Wrath, and has written and voiced radio commercials, authored both comedic and non-comedic freelance articles, scripts, press releases, website, media and technical content, done occasional radio color commentary for local sports, and acted in a couple of movies and plays. His website is chrisjgay.com, and his humor blog can be found at chrisgay.wordpress.com.
2012: Hope Springs (Barfly)