Faux-Chef Chris vs. Garlic: Round 2

Those of you who are familiar with my writings and books are aware that I’m a writer and author. But did you know that I’m also an awful karaoke singer? Anyway, we’ll move on from the latter. Today my focus is on food.

18881832_10209724618813935_215550539105895861_n

The Tale of Writer vs. Vegetable

For nearly all my life, my relationship with food has been rather simple. If it’s a meal that your average nutritionist would reflexively gasp at in horror, it was probably something you’d find on my personal menu. A steady diet of flavored corn chips and ice cream was my regular fare. Pepperoni pizza was also a regular staple, as it is a perfect representation of the Four Food Groups. (Well, technically.)

I was so proud of my culinary creations as a divorced bachelor in possession of fewer cooking skills than a politician’s cache of morals, I decided to write one of my books on them.

As a quick aside, allow me to show you an example of a cheap, shameless personal plug: That humor book, The Bachelor Cookbook: Edible Meals with a Side of Sarcasm, is easily available via paperback or on Kindle by clicking on the link thoughtfully and conveniently below. But I digress.

I’ve been putting in a lot of time at the gym for awhile now and have been looking for ways to augment my fitness efforts. Coincidentally, I recently came across an article on something called “fruits” and “vegetables”.

As someone who was previously unfamiliar with those terms, I was intrigued and read further. It turns out you can buy these alleged food items in something called the Produce Department of any grocery store. So I went to one and, sure enough, such a department exists.

I bought a selection of this so-called “produce” and tried it. The items varied from moderately tolerable to royally sucking. (The Cherry-flavored Mike & Ike’s were okay, though.)

However, since I’d committed to marrying a better diet to my workouts, I began trying to incorporate some of these things into my meals-rotation. And that is what brings us to the crux of the story…

Writer vs. Garlic

I’ve never had an issue with garlic; I’ve used its’ spice form for years when cooking pierogies. (It’s a Lithuanian thing.) I’ve also always loved store and restaurant-prepared garlic bread.

But to buy a bulb and try cooking one myself? Well, I’m nothing if not courageous; so I got one. Immediately, like any other red-blooded American would, I went to YouTube to find out whatever I could.

There wasn’t much on preparation, but there were several items on how to easily open it. You just shake the bulb between the closed space created by putting two equally-sized plastic bowls together.

Once done, I peeled off the remnants (of what; garlic tissue, maybe?) began chopping, (after my research revealed a simple, lousy garlic press costs $16) and then tossed the 13 cloves that the bulb had surrendered into a frying pan full of butter.

Once they started sizzling I, as required by United States and International Law, snapped a picture of my accomplishment; then proudly posted it to social media while I waited for the cloves’ ultimate destination of spaghetti sauce to simmer.

As I stirred the cloves around while enveloped within a cloud of heavenly aroma, I received a comment notification on my posted picture from my cousin who exclaimed something along the lines of, “Chris, you’re not supposed to use the whole bulb!”

Well damn it, how would I have known? There was no note stamped on the lone bulb I purchased. You know, they actually print “Contains nuts” warnings on jars of peanuts; they affix “Do not use in shower” tags to hair dryers. Is it not reasonable to expect such a heads up on garlic?

Anyway, I still tried the spaghetti and discovered two things rather quickly: I needed a tall glass of cold water stat; and that I’d never have to worry about loitering vampires again.

I didn’t finish the pasta, and it took me a month to try and contend with the plucky spice again. And so today brought the world Round 2 of Faux-Chef Chris vs. Garlic. Just like Rocky in Rocky II, I finally bested my nemesis and reigning champion Garlic to claim the belt for myself.

I ditched the bulb, peeled only 3 cloves, and put the rest in a bag for storage. I fried them in butter and this time mixed it in with meat tortellini; (ricotta blows) and it was de-li-ci-ous.

After teaching Garlic what’s what, my next kitchen-ionic mountain to climb is to tame the mighty Bell Pepper in a contest of stir fry.

I’m counting on my new reputation as Culinary King to dishearten all varieties of Bell Peppers before we even begin. I’m certain it will.

God. The Devil. The Bet. The Fate of Mankind in the Balance. Check out Chris Gay’s new theological, paranormal crime thriller, Ghost of a Chance.

Jpeg front cover with bleeds

What if a late 20th Century Jack the Ripper tearing apart a small Connecticut town was the result of a pancake shop bet between God and the devil? Imagine if Satan’s impact on the world in the new millennium hinged entirely on one police officer’s skill in hunting down a ruthless killer…hiding in plain sight. Detective Danny Seabrook is an unwitting pawn in a divine chess match with immeasurable consequences for all mankind. Set primarily in 1995, this action-packed suspense thriller features clever dialogue, humor and romance-with an ending you will never forget.

*     *     *     *

‘Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal’ by Chris Gay

CJGSherlock1c

As the end draws near for long-retired Sherlock Holmes in Sussex Downs, he calls one last time for the company of his best friend and colleague, Dr. John Watson. What was meant to be four last days of camaraderie and reminiscing instead leads to the most shocking, explosive revelation both of the great detective’s career, and his life.

Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal is a Holmes tale like none other ever conceived. Fans of Baker Street’s legendary detective will be left with the insatiable need to contemplate its extraordinary conclusion forevermore.

1977287_10152267078273756_2109539589_n

*     *     *     *

Chris Gay is an author, freelance writer, voice-over artist, broadcaster and actor. For 7 years he wrote and broadcast a daily, minute radio humor spot in Hartford, Connecticut. He’s been published nationally in Writer’s Digest and has written the paranormal, theological thriller novel Ghost of a Chance, Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal, (an original, extraordinary short story on the great detective with a spectacular twist) and four humor books: And That’s the Way It Was…Give or Take: A Daily Dose of My Radio Writings, Shouldn’t Ice Cold Beer Be Frozen? My 365 Random Thoughts to Improve Your Life Not One Iota, and The Bachelor Cookbook: Edible Meals with a Side of Sarcasm & Another Round of Ice Cold Beer: My 365 More Random Thoughts to Improve Your Life Not One Iota. He’s written and voiced radio commercials, authored both comedic and non-comedic freelance articles, scripts, press releases, website, media and technical content, done occasional radio color commentary for local sports, and acted in a couple of movies and plays. His website is chrisjgay.com, and his humor blog can be found at chrisgay.wordpress.com.

http://www.chrisjgay.com

Author Page (on Facebook)

Chris Gay Author/Writer/ Humorist (on Facebook)

Ghost of a Chance (on Facebook)

Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal (on Facebook)

The Bachelor Cookbook: Edible Meals with a Side of Sarcasm (on Facebook)

And That’s the Way it Was…Give or Take: A Daily Dose of My Radio Writings (on Facebook)

Shouldn’t Ice Cold Beer Be Frozen? My 365 Random Thoughts to Improve Your Life Not One Iota (on Facebook)

Another Round of Ice Cold Beer: My 365 More Random Thoughts to Improve Your Life Not One Iota (on Facebook)

https://chrisgay.wordpress.com

Movies:

2012: Hope Springs (Barfly)

2009: Testimonies of a Quiet New England Town (Constable John Gilbert)

Ads, Ads, Everywhere!

There once was a simpler time; a time well before mine, in which advertisements were nostalgic and classy. Well, they weren’t nostalgic during their original run, of course; but to us now. Let’s not quibble, though. Ah…at long last, I’ve finally gotten to use quibble in a sentence. But I digress. I digress a lot.

1187215_10200564375653581_1729544547_n

Ads have been with us seemingly forever; actually. And they have served useful purposes. They’ve been the lifeblood of the commercial TV, radio and newspaper mediums since their beginnings.

And frankly without their influence they, along with many other business entities, would’ve (and it is would’ve; there’s no such thing as would of, could of or should of. The ‘ve part is short for have. But as I’ve mentioned I digress a lot) failed before they even got started.

But now, frankly, they are out of control.

Generations before us had the extraordinarily clever Burma Shave ads, dish nights at movie theaters, a jolly, obese Santa Claus downing an icy Coca Cola, and dancing hot dogs at drive-ins. (look them up, Millennials) Today, they’re just annoying interruptions- and they’re everywhere, pitching everything. There is simply no escaping them.

Every time I pump gas, drive or even relieve myself at a concert or sporting event, I’m held hostage by ads for junk I don’t care about. Unless I’m in my personal abode, everywhere I go; everywhere I look, there they are.

Ever try to read a story on your smartphone or computer- and just give up due to the blizzard of pop-ups you’re showered with throughout its wholly unnecessary slide-show format? I’d bet you have.

It doesn’t stop there. Listening to the Yankees game and want to know the score? Sure thing. They’ll bring it to you directly from the Lowe’s Broadcast Booth.

The Buffalo Bills sideline injury reports are sponsored by a law firm. Hopefully the day never comes when we hear: “Looks like Smith snapped his spine and had both legs severed on the play. This report brought to you by the law offices of Dewey, Cheatem and Howe.* Back to you, John”.

During election season, lawn signs sprout up like crabgrass. Honestly, in the history of politics, has anyone ever opted to change his or her vote based on viewing a lawn sign? I’d place the Over/Under on that at, roughly, zero.

These days, it seems political lawn signs are far more likely to invite vandalism by supporters of the opposing party than to spark any change-of-heart introspection.

I love sports, but there are no words to describe how little I care about any given product just because it’s endorsed by any athlete. Okay, sure; I do have a George Foreman grill. And while Mr. Foreman is certainly charismatic and fun to watch, I got it only because it’s a darn good grill.

I could go on and on, (I didn’t even get to the blatant product placements in movies and television shows) but I think the length of my rant is now sufficient. So I’ll move along to another topic.

Oh, and if you liked my anti-ad post, be sure to buy my six books, available at my website and online retailers everywhere.

This post has been sponsored by chrisjgay.com. Chris Gay- a great writer, a great author, a great voice-over artist, a great actor…in fact, just a great guy all-around.

*Three Stooges reference

God. The Devil. The Bet. The Fate of Mankind in the Balance. Check out Chris Gay’s new theological, paranormal crime thriller, Ghost of a Chance.

Jpeg front cover with bleeds

What if a late 20th Century Jack the Ripper tearing apart a small Connecticut town was the result of a pancake shop bet between God and the devil? Imagine if Satan’s impact on the world in the new millennium hinged entirely on one police officer’s skill in hunting down a ruthless killer…hiding in plain sight. Detective Danny Seabrook is an unwitting pawn in a divine chess match with immeasurable consequences for all mankind. Set primarily in 1995, this action-packed suspense thriller features clever dialogue, humor and romance-with an ending you will never forget.

*     *     *     *

‘Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal’ by Chris Gay

CJGSherlock1c

As the end draws near for long-retired Sherlock Holmes in Sussex Downs, he calls one last time for the company of his best friend and colleague, Dr. John Watson. What was meant to be four last days of camaraderie and reminiscing instead leads to the most shocking, explosive revelation both of the great detective’s career, and his life.

Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal is a Holmes tale like none other ever conceived. Fans of Baker Street’s legendary detective will be left with the insatiable need to contemplate its extraordinary conclusion forevermore.

1977287_10152267078273756_2109539589_n

*     *     *     *

Chris Gay is an author, freelance writer, voice-over artist, broadcaster and actor. For 7 years he wrote and broadcast a daily, minute radio humor spot in Hartford, Connecticut. He’s been published nationally in Writer’s Digest and has written the paranormal, theological thriller novel Ghost of a Chance, Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal, (an original, extraordinary short story on the great detective with a spectacular twist) and four humor books: And That’s the Way It Was…Give or Take: A Daily Dose of My Radio Writings, Shouldn’t Ice Cold Beer Be Frozen? My 365 Random Thoughts to Improve Your Life Not One Iota, and The Bachelor Cookbook: Edible Meals with a Side of Sarcasm & Another Round of Ice Cold Beer: My 365 More Random Thoughts to Improve Your Life Not One Iota. He’s written and voiced radio commercials, authored both comedic and non-comedic freelance articles, scripts, press releases, website, media and technical content, done occasional radio color commentary for local sports, and acted in a couple of movies and plays. His website is chrisjgay.com, and his humor blog can be found at chrisgay.wordpress.com.

http://www.chrisjgay.com

Author Page (on Facebook)

Chris Gay Author/Writer/ Humorist (on Facebook)

Ghost of a Chance (on Facebook)

Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal (on Facebook)

The Bachelor Cookbook: Edible Meals with a Side of Sarcasm (on Facebook)

And That’s the Way it Was…Give or Take: A Daily Dose of My Radio Writings (on Facebook)

Shouldn’t Ice Cold Beer Be Frozen? My 365 Random Thoughts to Improve Your Life Not One Iota (on Facebook)

Another Round of Ice Cold Beer: My 365 More Random Thoughts to Improve Your Life Not One Iota (on Facebook)

https://chrisgay.wordpress.com

Movies:

2012: Hope Springs (Barfly)

2009: Testimonies of a Quiet New England Town (Constable John Gilbert)

The Epic Saga of Brad’s Wife

Once in a while, we as Americans put aside our petty differences and band together to 1187215_10200564375653581_1729544547_nright an obvious wrong. We become One in the name of justice. Now is just such an occasion.

I, like many of you, love Cracker Barrel. The 60 lbs of food for $10; the attached Old Country Store bursting with Americana. But this time they’ve crossed the line, and no excuses will be tolerated.

To fire Brad’s wife, on his birthday, no less! is a travesty unlike any the world will ever see. This small-town Indiana woman was ruthlessly pink-slipped from a job she’d proudly held for 11 years.

And for what? Well, the truth is no one knows.

But that’s what we do in this country- jump to conclusions before all (or in this case, any,) facts are in about pretty much everything. Hey, it’s just how we roll.

And so, with just a mere half-dozen words on a Facebook page, Brad has ignited a social media firestorm. And We The People demand an answer that we are in no way entitled to!

This time, there’ll be no buying us off with those free corn bread squares and tasty biscuits. Well, maybe the biscuits. But I digress.

This is a matter that must be gotten to the bottom of. Because, as Jack Nicholson so eloquently said in A Few Good Men, in the (semi) fast food industry, “we use words like ‘honor’, ‘code’, ‘loyalty’…”

There’s no honor or loyalty in callously showing a dedicated long-time employee the door. Unless it was legitimately deserved; in which case forget the whole thing and click on some other blog post of mine.

We, America, insist that you provide us with this woman’s confidential information. In fact, throw in her medical records, too.

This isn’t some trite, boring issue like Obama’s still-sealed college transcripts or Trump’s unreleased tax returns.

No, this question must be answered to the Internet’s complete satisfaction Cracker Barrel; else we may just get all Edward Snowden on your backside.

God. The Devil. The Bet. The Fate of Mankind in the Balance. Check out Chris Gay’s new theological, paranormal crime thriller, Ghost of a Chance.

Jpeg front cover with bleeds

What if a late 20th Century Jack the Ripper tearing apart a small Connecticut town was the result of a pancake shop bet between God and the devil? Imagine if Satan’s impact on the world in the new millennium hinged entirely on one police officer’s skill in hunting down a ruthless killer…hiding in plain sight. Detective Danny Seabrook is an unwitting pawn in a divine chess match with immeasurable consequences for all mankind. Set primarily in 1995, this action-packed suspense thriller features clever dialogue, humor and romance-with an ending you will never forget.

*     *     *     *

‘Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal’ by Chris Gay

CJGSherlock1c

As the end draws near for long-retired Sherlock Holmes in Sussex Downs, he calls one last time for the company of his best friend and colleague, Dr. John Watson. What was meant to be four last days of camaraderie and reminiscing instead leads to the most shocking, explosive revelation both of the great detective’s career, and his life.

Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal is a Holmes tale like none other ever conceived. Fans of Baker Street’s legendary detective will be left with the insatiable need to contemplate its extraordinary conclusion forevermore.

1977287_10152267078273756_2109539589_n

*     *     *     *

Chris Gay is an author, freelance writer, voice-over artist, broadcaster and actor. For 7 years he wrote and broadcast a daily, minute radio humor spot in Hartford, Connecticut. He’s been published nationally in Writer’s Digest and has written the paranormal, theological thriller novel Ghost of a Chance, Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal, (an original, extraordinary short story on the great detective with a spectacular twist) and four humor books: And That’s the Way It Was…Give or Take: A Daily Dose of My Radio Writings, Shouldn’t Ice Cold Beer Be Frozen? My 365 Random Thoughts to Improve Your Life Not One Iota, and The Bachelor Cookbook: Edible Meals with a Side of Sarcasm & Another Round of Ice Cold Beer: My 365 More Random Thoughts to Improve Your Life Not One Iota. He’s written and voiced radio commercials, authored both comedic and non-comedic freelance articles, scripts, press releases, website, media and technical content, done occasional radio color commentary for local sports, and acted in a couple of movies and plays. His website is chrisjgay.com, and his humor blog can be found at chrisgay.wordpress.com.

http://www.chrisjgay.com

Author Page (on Facebook)

Chris Gay Author/Writer/ Humorist (on Facebook)

Ghost of a Chance (on Facebook)

Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal (on Facebook)

The Bachelor Cookbook: Edible Meals with a Side of Sarcasm (on Facebook)

And That’s the Way it Was…Give or Take: A Daily Dose of My Radio Writings (on Facebook)

Shouldn’t Ice Cold Beer Be Frozen? My 365 Random Thoughts to Improve Your Life Not One Iota (on Facebook)

Another Round of Ice Cold Beer: My 365 More Random Thoughts to Improve Your Life Not One Iota (on Facebook)

https://chrisgay.wordpress.com

Movies:

2012:

Hope Springs (Barfly)

2009:

Testimonies of a Quiet New England Town (Constable John Gilbert)

Valentine’s Day: A Humorous Exposition

And here we are again. With barely enough time for the nation to have 12036753_10205276543134823_1249559569961522867_ncollectively recovered from its annual raucous Groundhog Day celebrations, along comes the granddaddy of all Hallmark Holidays: Valentine’s Day.

The Power of Frivolity

Somewhere, somebody’s great-grandchildren are probably still living off the residuals earned by whoever it was that first came up with the idea to create a dumb holiday around an obscure Saint. A holiday that somehow has the power to prop up the greeting card, chocolate, flower, restaurant and bed & breakfast industries annually for an entire fiscal quarter. To be honest that’s pretty impressive.

Too Much, Too Soon

Is it really fair that guys have to trek right back out and search for another “perfect gift” seven lousy weeks after Christmas? Not to mention (but I will) that those men who aren’t botanists, (all of us, for example) must once again try to decipher the overly complex Carnation Color Code Chart. Or figure out the difference between long and short stem roses while debating the necessity of ferns, ribbons- and whatever the hell baby’s breath is?

Once that stuff is corralled to the best of our abilities, we must then decide on where to make reservations. And as any man who’s ever lived will tell you, whatever restaurant he picks likely won’t be the right one; unless it’s called ‘I Don’t Know,’ ‘I Don’t Care’, or ‘Anywhere Is Fine With Me’. Which brings me to the next point…

A One-Sided Affair

Although there are always exceptions to any rule, this “holiday” clearly exists for the benefit of one gender which shall women nameless. Sorry, I meant remain nameless. Men really don’t care as far as they themselves are concerned, and are just happy if they can get past it with their spouses sufficiently contented. (Though if she leaves that Whitman’s Sampler around, there’s a good chance she’ll later discover that a couple of chocolates went AWOL.) If given a vote to mothball V-Day, polling places nationwide would resemble rugby matches, with guys rushing for the chance to pull that Aye lever. And why?

Because Good Men…

Because good men who love their significant others don’t need an over-hyped day to show that love. They don’t want to give a few corporations the power to try and guilt them into performing like automatons for the benefit of those corporations’ bottom lines. A good man will remember birthdays, anniversaries, et cetera, and treat his lady well throughout the year. And also make certain to take a few other random days annually on which he’ll do something extra special. And if he doesn’t-or if she doesn’t-maybe one, or both, are settling. Ponder that, if you will.

Cupid, Draw Back Your Bow

I’ve really got nothing much to say in this paragraph. It’s just that as I’m writing this, that catchy Spinners 70’s tune about the cherubic matchmaker popped into my head. And it’s only fair that I now try to stick it into yours for the rest of the day. You’re welcome.

Singles

As of this writing, I too will be among the millions of you this year who’ll be single on Valentine’s Day. And yes, I realize that on February 14th it’ll feel like the music’s stopped and we’re left without chairs. (Though how we could be missing millions of chairs I’ll never know. Maybe they’re hanging out with all of those dryer socks.) Anyway, don’t fret.

Someday, perhaps as soon as next year, you’ll be able to join in the fun and expense of this annual bacchanalia of February romance again. So for now, just bask in the happiness that can only be truly known through binge-eating Chinese food- and having a free reign over your TV.

And if that’s not enough, just remember that the return of McDonald’s Shamrock Shakes is just around the corner!

God. The Devil. The Bet. The Fate of Mankind in the Balance. Check out Chris Gay’s new theological, paranormal crime thriller, Ghost of a Chance.

Jpeg front cover with bleeds

What if a late 20th Century Jack the Ripper tearing apart a small Connecticut town was the result of a pancake shop bet between God and the devil? Imagine if Satan’s impact on the world in the new millennium hinged entirely on one police officer’s skill in hunting down a ruthless killer…hiding in plain sight. Detective Danny Seabrook is an unwitting pawn in a divine chess match with immeasurable consequences for all mankind. Set primarily in 1995, this action-packed suspense thriller features clever dialogue, humor and romance-with an ending you will never forget.

*     *     *     *

‘Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal’ by Chris Gay

CJGSherlock1c

As the end draws near for long-retired Sherlock Holmes in Sussex Downs, he calls one last time for the company of his best friend and colleague, Dr. John Watson. What was meant to be four last days of camaraderie and reminiscing instead leads to the most shocking, explosive revelation both of the great detective’s career, and his life.

Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal is a Holmes tale like none other ever conceived. Fans of Baker Street’s legendary detective will be left with the insatiable need to contemplate its extraordinary conclusion forevermore.

1977287_10152267078273756_2109539589_n

*     *     *     *

Chris Gay is an author, freelance writer, voice-over artist, broadcaster and actor. For 7 years he wrote and broadcast a daily, minute radio humor spot in Hartford, Connecticut. He’s been published nationally in Writer’s Digest and has written the paranormal, theological thriller novel Ghost of a Chance, Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal, (an original, extraordinary short story on the great detective with a spectacular twist) and four humor books: And That’s the Way It Was…Give or Take: A Daily Dose of My Radio Writings, Shouldn’t Ice Cold Beer Be Frozen? My 365 Random Thoughts to Improve Your Life Not One Iota, and The Bachelor Cookbook: Edible Meals with a Side of Sarcasm & Another Round of Ice Cold Beer: My 365 More Random Thoughts to Improve Your Life Not One Iota. He’s written and voiced radio commercials, authored both comedic and non-comedic freelance articles, scripts, press releases, website, media and technical content, done occasional radio color commentary for local sports, and acted in a couple of movies and plays. His website is chrisjgay.com, and his humor blog can be found at chrisgay.wordpress.com.

http://www.chrisjgay.com

Author Page (on Facebook)

Chris Gay Author/Writer/ Humorist (on Facebook)

Ghost of a Chance (on Facebook)

Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal (on Facebook)

The Bachelor Cookbook: Edible Meals with a Side of Sarcasm (on Facebook)

And That’s the Way it Was…Give or Take: A Daily Dose of My Radio Writings (on Facebook)

Shouldn’t Ice Cold Beer Be Frozen? My 365 Random Thoughts to Improve Your Life Not One Iota (on Facebook)

Another Round of Ice Cold Beer: My 365 More Random Thoughts to Improve Your Life Not One Iota (on Facebook)

https://chrisgay.wordpress.com

Movies:

2012:

Hope Springs (Barfly)

2009:

Testimonies of a Quiet New England Town (Constable John Gilbert)

%d bloggers like this: