1) In some bars, regardless of what you order you’ll get bourbon and like it.
2) During the time an angel is showing a man how his family and friends are affected by his no longer having been born, his current born/not born status somehow also determines whether or not it snows.
3) It’s a good idea for a financial institution to leave its safe, which is located in full view of the public and blocked only by a counter so easy to hurdle that its own CEO routinely jumps over it, completely unlocked and open.
4) Despite the almost comical number of Keep off the Grass signs a town places along the median strip of its main street, that is exactly where the townsfolk will choose to stand on or run across at every chance they get.
5) In response to being punched by a drunk who then runs off into the night, a senior police officer, while surrounded by hundreds of people, will pull his piece and, without really aiming, casually squeeze off multiple rounds through the center of town.
6) In some towns, snow will visibly remain on you and your clothes not only long after you’ve entered a home or business, but also while you’re submerged in a river.
7) When a man’s date is interrupted by an uncle driving up to him with urgent news, instead of offering her a ride back with them, he’ll leave the woman standing on the street in the dark of night wearing only a bathrobe.
8) A man who will otherwise do anything for anyone, will consistently mock and ignore the only friend in town who has, despite his annoying “Hee-Haw!” catchphrase, tried to legitimately make him rich throughout his entire adult life.
9) Unless you’re a relatively dim-witted angel, the type of tasks you’re assigned by Heaven to successfully complete in order to earn your wings are apparently not all that difficult.
10) A movie theater with the capacity to show only two films would rather its customers try and guess what the second feature is, instead of just listing it by its name below the first one on the marquee.
11) When a group of men arrive at a house to talk to its owner and find that neither he nor his wife are home, they’ll simply walk in and hang out in the living room.
12) The maximum depth of the Bedford Falls High School swimming pool is approximately four feet.
13) A town in which a man and an elderly angel can walk completely around and across in less than ten minutes needs a full-time taxi driver.
14) An uncle so daft as to forget his nephew’s wedding, which the entire town attends and occurs three blocks away, is the logical choice to be entrusted with handling the family business’s large cash transactions.
15) A police officer is able to leave a small town bridge during a blizzard and drive to the nearest airport to pick up a man who he didn’t even know was coming, then drive all the way back to that man’s brother’s house…in around eight minutes.
16) An old, blighted house with no windows intact, broken-fencing and a desperate need for grounds-keeping maintenance will be allowed to sit in its decrepit, condemnable state for years in the middle of a residential neighborhood.
17) An angel will somehow be able to acquire and read a book that was published 223 years after he passed away.
18) While on-duty, a town’s only police officer has plenty of time to spend on its outskirts hanging leisure and travel destination posters all over the house of a grown man.
19) A man’s impromptu workday can apparently be so busy, he’ll actually forget that he was married in an immense ceremony a few hours earlier.
20) A county will knowingly appoint its most unscrupulous, despised citizen head of the local draft board.
21) A man will get angry at his uncle for carelessly waving thousands of dollars around, even though both he and his wife did the same thing earlier in the back of a taxi.
22) A customer can sit at a drug store counter and eat the same chocolate coconut ice cream sundae for over an hour without it melting at all whatsoever.
23) There somewhere exists a newly married, nearly-broke man who would turn down the equivalent of a $300,000 annual salary plus extensive perks, to continue doing the same job for the equivalent $35,000.
24) A public financial institution is the best place for its senior officer to keep and let roam free his pet squirrel, raven, owl, dog and parakeet.
25) No one in Bedford Falls, including the owner of its only-and thriving- bar, apparently has enough credit to receive a small home loan from the town’s primary bank; begging the question as to how Henry F. Potter could be so filthy rich without seemingly ever lending out money to anyone. Even Ebenezer Scrooge lent money to the riff-raff.
What if a late 20th Century Jack the Ripper tearing apart a small Connecticut town was the result of a pancake shop bet between God and the devil? Imagine if Satan’s impact on the world in the new millennium hinged entirely on one police officer’s skill in hunting down a ruthless killer…hiding in plain sight. Detective Danny Seabrook is an unwitting pawn in a divine chess match with immeasurable consequences for all mankind. Set primarily in 1995, this action-packed suspense thriller features clever dialogue, humor and romance-with an ending you will never forget.
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As the end draws near for long-retired Sherlock Holmes in Sussex Downs, he calls one last time for the company of his best friend and colleague, Dr. John Watson. What was meant to be four last days of camaraderie and reminiscing instead leads to the most shocking, explosive revelation both of the great detective’s career, and his life.
Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal is a Holmes tale like none other ever conceived. Fans of Baker Street’s legendary detective will be left with the insatiable need to contemplate its extraordinary conclusion forevermore.
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The Bachelor Cookbook is the perfect (and likely only) addition to any guy’s collection of sarcastic culinary literature. If you’re between relationships and looking to make the most of whatever foodstuffs you’ve got until you meet that next special woman, then your prayers have been answered. Unless you’re an atheist; in which case coming across this book just means your luck was in today. For men looking for sustenance over style, I give you this spectacular cookbook. Well, I don’t “give it” to you, per se. You have to pay for it.
Featuring such taste-bud tempting recipes as:
Meat on a Bed of Rice
Cheese and Crackers
Plus Miscellaneous Cookbook Humor, too!
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Chris Gay is an author, freelance writer, voice-over artist, broadcaster and actor. He writes and broadcasts a daily, minute radio humor spot in Hartford, Connecticut. He’s also written the paranormal, theological thriller novel Ghost of a Chance, the novella Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal, (an original, extraordinary short story on the great detective) and three humor books: And That’s the Way It Was…Give or Take: A Daily Dose of My Radio Writings, Shouldn’t Ice Cold Beer Be Frozen? My 365 Random Thoughts to Improve Your Life Not One Iota, and The Bachelor Cookbook: Edible Meals with a Side of Sarcasm. He’s been published nationally in Writer’s Digest and is currently writing his fourth, fifth and sixth humor books, Another Round of Ice Cold Beer: My 365 More Random Thoughts to Improve Your Life Not One Iota, Something Witty this Way Comes and Politically Correct Movie Reviews.
Also, he’s writing the Ghost of a Chance sequel Perdition’s Wrath, and has written and voiced radio commercials, authored both comedic and non-comedic freelance articles, scripts, press releases, website, media and technical content, done occasional radio color commentary for local sports, and acted in a couple of movies and plays. His website is chrisjgay.com, and his humor blog can be found at chrisgay.wordpress.com.
2012: Hope Springs (Barfly)