25 Things I’ve Learned from Watching the ‘Die Hard’ Movie Series

By Chris Gay

388982_3377538558968_401329802_nGenerally when starting one of my humor posts I ease into it with a sarcastic paragraph; then finish it up with several more sarcastic paragraphs. In this case however, the entire post is simply a list; even I can’t really stretch it out.

So read it and laugh. Or don’t. I don’t care; you’ve already clicked on it so I get credit regardless.

Luckily for you though I do have integrity, and as such actually made an effort here. Don’t thank me, my name is on this. I have to at least try. So without further ado, I present:

25 Things I’ve Learned from Watching the ‘Die Hard’ Movie Series


25. While in your 30’s, walking barefoot over broken glass can cause a serious, debilitating injury. In your 50’s however, you can crash through multiple panes of glass at various high rates of speed, and emerge almost completely unscathed. Then make a wise-crack and continue on with your day.

24. Villainous German henchmen seem to better understand commands given to them in English, rather than in their native German.

23. No matter how many times you spend Christmas vacation single-handedly saving your wife from the clutches of unsympathetic, highly paid professional mercenaries, she’ll still call you selfish and want a divorce.

22. After faking out the entire NYPD and walking off with billions in gold, never try to hide your army in a Canadian truck stop long enough to have a quickie with your mistress. It’s better to just keep going and wait till you’re back in Germany.

21. A limo driver will allow himself to remain stuck in a parking garage; and then easily break through the gate hours later after all of the villains have been defeated.

20. Movie grenades used against the hero will inexplicably have a 40-second long fuse.

19. A lobby security guard will watch you spend 5 minutes struggling to figure out how to use a computerized directory before casually mentioning that the only people left in the building anyway are on the 30th floor.

18. When trying to thwart a villain who has taken over our entire computer infrastructure and whom no agency can stop, it really pays to know Silent Bob.

17. Apparently, some stores sell 60-gallon bottles of maple syrup.

16. A guard assigned to watch one of the world’s biggest criminals will be paid the compliment of being an “excellent soldier,” simply because he was smart enough to deny that criminal’s own request to remove his handcuffs for him.

15. Seemingly, you can buy dugout tickets to Yankee Stadium for days they’re not even playing. Then just walk right down, take your seat, and watch the grounds crew manicure the lawn.

14. When leaving your adversary to an unverifiable doom, never toss him a bottle of aspirin with the name of your hotel stamped on the bottle.

13. A cop coming across an angry, menacing right-handed villain who has already escaped a vicious hanging, will believe that the best way to stop him is with 5 straight rounds to the same spot in his left-shoulder.

12. The highly-educated head of the American division of a billion dollar corporation will be too busy making wise-cracks to notice that his third-in-command is a blatantly drug-addicted slime ball womanizer.

11. After barely surviving your own efforts at bringing down an entire platoon of corrupt soldiers and mercenaries in order to get your wife back safely, you’ll pause momentarily with real concern over whether the police chief whose job and backside you just saved will or won’t forgive your earlier $40 parking ticket.

10. A villain who is precise enough to take out a deodorant spray can held by John McClane from 50 feet away, will still not be good enough a marksman to strike McClane himself.

9. While checking out the rooftop in a building he completely controls, a villain will take time to memorize a few random names from a wall directory; just on the off-chance he needs an alias if unexpectedly confronted by a previously neutralized, shoeless cop.

8. While in a room desperately trying to remain hidden in an effort to evade villains who are diligently searching for you, it’s a good idea to chain smoke cigarettes.

7. After finally securing the grizzled detective and his Agency son who you’ve been chasing, the most effective way to intimidate them is to eat a carrot and do a nice little dance.

6. After a broken-down cop has spent hours alone risking his life to take out your entire crew of mercenaries one by one, and then finally gets to you-who he finds holding his wife-it’s safe to assume that that’s the point at which he’d decide to laugh and give himself up with no backup plan whatsoever.

5. When trying to get the jump on a group of villainous mercenaries, your best ally would be a dim-witted janitor who somehow has access to the all of the extensive blueprints and architectural floor plans necessary for you to do so.

4. A villain will believe that if he hires someone to drop billions of dollars worth of gold bullion 30 feet to the bottom of Long Island Sound, the state, feds, and every single person with a scuba license or a snorkeling mask the entire world over would just leave it there, forever.

3. Of all possible moments, it’s with mere seconds left to figure out how to escape their near-certain, mutual doom that is the best time for two men to get into a heated debate on race relations.

2. The odds of running into the same narcissistic, adversarial news reporter during two separate but similar evil mercenary schemes, one apiece on each coast, are not nearly as long as you might think they’d be.

1. Instead of assisting in any way, the ranking officer at the LAPD Emergency Dispatch Call Center will tell a man, who is under fire, to hang up and phone a slightly more appropriate Emergency Dispatch Call Center.

God. The Devil. The Bet. The Fate of Mankind in the Balance. Check out Chris Gay’s new theological, paranormal crime thriller, Ghost of a Chance.

Ghost of a Chance Cover jpeg

What if a late 20th Century Jack the Ripper tearing apart a small Connecticut town was the result of a pancake shop bet between God and the devil? Imagine if Satan’s impact on the world in the new millennium hinged entirely on one police officer’s skill in hunting down a ruthless killer…hiding in plain sight. Detective Danny Seabrook is an unwitting pawn in a divine chess match with immeasurable consequences for all mankind. Set primarily in 1995, this action-packed suspense thriller features clever dialogue, humor and romance-with an ending you will never forget.

*     *     *     *

‘Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal’ by Chris Gay

#1(A!A)CJGSherlockHomesCoverCMYK1d

As the end draws near for long-retired Sherlock Holmes in Sussex Downs, he calls one last time for the company of his best friend and colleague, Dr. John Watson. What was meant to be four last days of camaraderie and reminiscing instead leads to the most shocking, explosive revelation both of the great detective’s career, and his life.

Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal is a Holmes tale like none other ever conceived. Fans of Baker Street’s legendary detective will be left with the insatiable need to contemplate its extraordinary conclusion forevermore.

*     *     *     *

‘The Bachelor Cookbook: Edible Meals with a Side of Sarcasm’ by Chris Gay

CJG Full Kindle Cover For Promotions

The Bachelor Cookbook is the perfect (and likely only) addition to any guy’s collection of sarcastic culinary literature. If you’re between relationships and looking to make the most of whatever foodstuffs you’ve got until you meet that next special woman, then your prayers have been answered. Unless you’re an atheist; in which case coming across this book just means your luck was in today. For men looking for sustenance over style, I give you this spectacular cookbook. Well, I don’t “give it” to you, per se. You have to pay for it.

Featuring such taste-bud tempting recipes as:

Popcorn Salad

Meat on a Bed of Rice

Cheese and Crackers

Spaghetti Sandwich

Plus Miscellaneous Cookbook Humor, too!

*     *     *     *

Chris Gay is an author, freelance writer, voice-over artist, broadcaster and actor. He writes and broadcasts a daily, minute radio humor spot in Hartford, Connecticut. He’s also written the paranormal, theological thriller novel Ghost of a Chance and three humor books: And That’s the Way It Was…Give or Take: A Daily Dose of My Radio Writings, Shouldn’t Ice Cold Beer Be Frozen? My 365 Random Thoughts to Improve Your Life Not One Iota, and The Bachelor Cookbook: Edible Meals with a Side of Sarcasm. He’s been published nationally in Writer’s Digest and is currently writing his fourth and fifth humor books, Another Round of Ice Cold Beer: My 365 More Random Thoughts to Improve Your Life Not One Iota  and  Something Witty this Way Comes; the latter being a collection of pieces written for his humor blog. His book Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal, is an original, extraordinary short story on the great detective. Also, he’s writing the Ghost of a Chance sequel Perdition’s Wrath, and has written and voiced radio commercials, authored both comedic and non-comedic freelance articles, scripts, press releases, website, media and technical content, done occasional radio color commentary for local sports, and acted in a couple of movies and plays. His website is chrisjgay.com, and his humor blog can be found at chrisgay.wordpress.com.

Jpeg front cover with bleedsKindle Cookbook Cover 7.12.2013

book2book1CJGSherlock1c

http://www.chrisjgay.com

Author Page on Facebook

Chris Gay Author/Writer/ Humorist on Facebook

Ghost of a Chance on Facebook

Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal on Facebook

https://chrisgay.wordpress.com

Twitter: @chrisgay13

Movies:

2012:

Hope Springs (Barfly)

2009:

Testimonies of a Quiet New England Town (Constable John Gilbert)

Chris Gay’s Politically Correct Movie Reviews

By Chris Gay

Jaws  (1975)                                                                                                                                                                                                              388982_3377538558968_401329802_n

In a measured response to a massive Great White patrolling its waters, the leadership of a New England island community shrewdly decides that the best way to protect the townsfolk is to close the beach for a single day-and then just kind of hope that it decides to swim away.

This clever approach goes inexplicably awry when, instead, the shark opts to stay local and continue dining on Bather du Jour. Realizing their slight error in judgment the Mayor, Chief of Police and a renowned oceanographer all agree that a more effective course of action might be to eschew modern hunting techniques in favor of hiring an aged, lunatic captain in possession of a boat slightly larger than those once provided in cereal boxes.

Out on the open ocean, the seasoned mariner is seemingly surprised to discover his inability to land the three-ton animal with a fishing pole. His failure in this endeavor allows the question of what he would’ve done with it-had he somehow actually hauled it in-to remain forever unanswered.

At any rate, the ichthyologist fails next in his own attempt to end the beast by, one can only presume, flossing its teeth with a glorified Lawn Jart.

Irked at the trio’s continual attempts on him, as well as a slight ancillary annoyance likely stemming from three beer kegs harpooned to its body, Jaws sups on the boat’s captain; rendering his earlier, bold decision to shun a life jacket irrelevant.

However, after apparently being misled by an episode of Mythbusters, the shark succumbs to the Chief of Police after neglecting to pass on a dessert course featuring a tank of highly compressed air- as well as the accompanying introduction to it of a lightning-fast projectile.

Rocky (1976)

The inspirational story of a downtrodden pugilist who, despite being significantly punch drunk, gets inexplicably smarter throughout the course of the movie.

After several figurative bouts with self-esteem and, despite being tethered to a best friend with the morals of a career lobbyist, Rocky becomes determined to win the Heavyweight Championship belt from an arrogant, underestimating Chubbs; who reigns supreme over the boxing world in the years prior to an alligator tragically biting his damn hand off.

However in a clever plot twist, Rocky loses the fight and goes home not with the coveted belt but, rather, no belt at all and a busted face.

Die Hard (1988)

On Christmas Eve, police officer John McClane unexpectedly finds himself in a barefoot race against time to save his wife from a gang of villains led by a British guy with a pseudo-German accent and his German henchman; who for some reason understands his boss’ commands better when given to him in English.

With outside moral support coming  from a reasonable, spongecake-loving beat cop possessing the  motorcar maneuvering  skills of Helen Keller, McClane  is able to soldier on and pick off the mercenaries in turn. Ultimately, the sarcastic constable thwarts the entire nefarious, half-billion dollar scheme with help from a swatch of cleverly positioned,  festively decorated masking tape.

Afterward in a gesture of seasonal goodwill he effectively demonstrates, with assistance from gravity, why a master criminal would be better served choosing for his captive someone whose personal taste in watches favors a singularly whole, clasp-less band.

The Empire Strikes Back (1980)

The highly anticipated sequel to the original Star Wars finds former moisture farmer-turned Death Star weakness exploiter Luke Skywalker hiding from the Empire with his cohorts on the North Pole. While there, maverick pilot Han Solo begins a relationship with Princess Leia, though not so much out of love, but rather due to a seemingly 4 million to 1 ratio of men to women all through the galaxy.

Throughout, the dialogue repetitively highlights much ‘Dark Side of the Force’ underestimating by central characters. Further along, Obi-Wan Kenobi returns to play second fiddle to a sickly puppet who sounds suspiciously like Fozzi Bear; while once again proving that being deceased is not all that much of a hindrance to getting around.

After an unexpected betrayal Han Solo becomes a slug’s Feng Shui, while his betrayer tries to repent by re-destroying the new Death Star. However, prior to the aforementioned climax, the film reveals a rather disconcerting paternal subplot that ultimately causes Darth Vader to turn on his Emperor, while inexplicably leaving unscathed the designer who yet again neglected to protect the Death Star’s singular, obvious Achilles’ Heel.

The Exorcist (1973)

The heartwarming story of a young woman’s journey to find inner peace through her impromptu relationship with God…Give or take.

The Godfather (1972)

A gripping saga detailing one immigrant’s rise from youthful poverty, through his somewhat aggressive quest to provide for his extended family during war torn, 1940’sAmerica.

Forrest Gump (1994)

A lovable simpleton inadvertently finds himself in the middle of numerous situations of historical and political consequence, then afterward reiterates them to attentive passersby with such eloquence, it makes one realize he’s most likely too intelligent to get into politics himself.

Dirty Harry (1971)

The story of a lonely, yet good-hearted San Francisco detective who generously donates the contents of his .44 Magnum to the chest cavities of the city’s most unrepentant criminals, as a creative and effective alternative to rehabilitation.

Halloween (1978)

The haunting tale of a misunderstood recluse who attempts to overcome his personal demons by returning to his hometown, in an ultimately tragic attempt to reconnect with his kin.

Independence Day (1996)

The highly precise plans for Earth’s domination by a group of sophisticated extra-terrestrials possessing high tech transportation and weaponry are derailed at the last second, by an inebriated moron portrayed by the same actor who played Cousin Eddie in Christmas Vacation.

Wall Street (1987)

Wall Street tycoon Gordon Gekko’s attempt to further add to his impressive, albeit questionably obtained fortune is derailed by The Man, who views Gekko’s law un-abiding initiatives in a rather different light then he does.

Silence Of The Lambs (1991)

A highly-educated professional resorts to the manipulation and cannibalism of those beneath him with such effectiveness, you may begin to wonder how he managed to avoid becoming a CEO in the private sector.

Back To The Future (1985)

A chronicle of the wacky time traveling misadventures between a wily, sarcastic teen and his sanity- divested scientific mentor with a penchant for static electricity-inspired hairstyles.

God. The Devil. The Bet. The Fate of Mankind in the Balance. Check out Chris Gay’s new theological, paranormal crime thriller, Ghost of a Chance.

Ghost of a Chance Cover jpeg

What if a late 20th Century Jack the Ripper tearing apart a small Connecticut town was the result of a pancake shop bet between God and the devil? Imagine if Satan’s impact on the world in the new millennium hinged entirely on one police officer’s skill in hunting down a ruthless killer…hiding in plain sight. Detective Danny Seabrook is an unwitting pawn in a divine chess match with immeasurable consequences for all mankind. Set primarily in 1995, this action-packed suspense thriller features clever dialogue, humor and romance-with an ending you will never forget.

*     *     *     *

‘Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal’ by Chris Gay

#1(A!A)CJGSherlockHomesCoverCMYK1d

As the end draws near for long-retired Sherlock Holmes in Sussex Downs, he calls one last time for the company of his best friend and colleague, Dr. John Watson. What was meant to be four last days of camaraderie and reminiscing instead leads to the most shocking, explosive revelation both of the great detective’s career, and his life.

Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal is a Holmes tale like none other ever conceived. Fans of Baker Street’s legendary detective will be left with the insatiable need to contemplate its extraordinary conclusion forevermore.

*     *     *     *

‘The Bachelor Cookbook: Edible Meals with a Side of Sarcasm’ by Chris Gay

CJG Full Kindle Cover For Promotions

The Bachelor Cookbook is the perfect (and likely only) addition to any guy’s collection of sarcastic culinary literature. If you’re between relationships and looking to make the most of whatever foodstuffs you’ve got until you meet that next special woman, then your prayers have been answered. Unless you’re an atheist; in which case coming across this book just means your luck was in today. For men looking for sustenance over style, I give you this spectacular cookbook. Well, I don’t “give it” to you, per se. You have to pay for it.

Featuring such taste-bud tempting recipes as:

Popcorn Salad

Meat on a Bed of Rice

Cheese and Crackers

Spaghetti Sandwich

Plus Miscellaneous Cookbook Humor, too!

*     *     *     *

Chris Gay is an author, freelance writer, voice-over artist, broadcaster and actor. He writes and broadcasts a daily, minute radio humor spot in Hartford, Connecticut. He’s also written the paranormal, theological thriller novel Ghost of a Chance and three humor books: And That’s the Way It Was…Give or Take: A Daily Dose of My Radio Writings, Shouldn’t Ice Cold Beer Be Frozen? My 365 Random Thoughts to Improve Your Life Not One Iota, and The Bachelor Cookbook: Edible Meals with a Side of Sarcasm. He’s been published nationally in Writer’s Digest and is currently writing his fourth and fifth humor books, Another Round of Ice Cold Beer: My 365 More Random Thoughts to Improve Your Life Not One Iota  and  Something Witty this Way Comes; the latter being a collection of pieces written for his humor blog. His book Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal, is an original, extraordinary short story on the great detective. Also, he’s writing the Ghost of a Chance sequel Perdition’s Wrath, and has written and voiced radio commercials, authored both comedic and non-comedic freelance articles, scripts, press releases, website, media and technical content, done occasional radio color commentary for local sports, and acted in a couple of movies and plays. His website is chrisjgay.com, and his humor blog can be found at chrisgay.wordpress.com.

Jpeg front cover with bleedsKindle Cookbook Cover 7.12.2013

book2book1CJGSherlock1c

http://www.chrisjgay.com

Author Page on Facebook

Chris Gay Author/Writer/ Humorist on Facebook

Ghost of a Chance on Facebook

Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal on Facebook

https://chrisgay.wordpress.com

Twitter: @chrisgay13

Movies:

2012:

Hope Springs (Barfly)

2009:

Testimonies of a Quiet New England Town (Constable John Gilbert)

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