25 Things I’ve Learned from Watching the ‘Die Hard’ Movie Series

By Chris Gay

Generally when starting one of my humor posts I ease into it with a sarcastic paragraph; then finish it up with several more sarcastic paragraphs. In this case however, the entire post is simply a list; even I can’t really stretch it out.

So read it and laugh. Or don’t. I don’t care; you’ve already clicked on it so I get credit regardless.

Luckily for you though I do have integrity, and as such actually made an effort here. Don’t thank me, my name is on this. I have to at least try. So without further ado, I present:

25 Things I’ve Learned from Watching the ‘Die Hard’ Movie Series

25. While in your 30’s, walking barefoot over broken glass can cause a serious, debilitating injury. In your 50’s however, you can crash through multiple panes of glass at various high rates of speed, and emerge almost completely unscathed. Then make a wise-crack and continue on with your day.

24. Villainous German henchmen seem to better understand commands given to them in English, rather than in their native German.

23. No matter how many times you spend Christmas vacation single-handedly saving your wife from the clutches of unsympathetic, highly paid professional mercenaries, she’ll still call you selfish and want a divorce.

22. After faking out the entire NYPD and walking off with billions in gold, never try to hide your army in a Canadian truck stop long enough to have a quickie with your mistress. It’s better to just keep going and wait till you’re back in Germany.

21. A limo driver will allow himself to remain stuck in a parking garage; and then easily break through the gate hours later after all of the villains have been defeated.

20. Movie grenades used against the hero will inexplicably have a 40-second long fuse.

19. A lobby security guard will watch you spend 5 minutes struggling to figure out how to use a computerized directory before casually mentioning that the only people left in the building anyway are on the 30th floor.

18. When trying to thwart a villain who has taken over our entire computer infrastructure and whom no agency can stop, it really pays to know Silent Bob.

17. Apparently, some stores sell 60-gallon bottles of maple syrup.

16. A guard assigned to watch one of the world’s biggest criminals will be paid the compliment of being an “excellent soldier,” simply because he was smart enough to deny that criminal’s own request to remove his handcuffs for him.

15. Seemingly, you can buy dugout tickets to Yankee Stadium for days they’re not even playing. Then just walk right down, take your seat, and watch the grounds crew manicure the lawn.

14. When leaving your adversary to an unverifiable doom, never toss him a bottle of aspirin with the name of your hotel stamped on the bottle.

13. A cop coming across an angry, menacing right-handed villain who has already escaped a vicious hanging, will believe that the best way to stop him is with 5 straight rounds to the same spot in his left-shoulder.

12. The highly-educated head of the American division of a billion dollar corporation will be too busy making wise-cracks to notice that his third-in-command is a blatantly drug-addicted slime ball womanizer.

11. After barely surviving your own efforts at bringing down an entire platoon of corrupt soldiers and mercenaries in order to get your wife back safely, you’ll pause momentarily with real concern over whether the police chief whose job and backside you just saved will or won’t forgive your earlier $40 parking ticket.

10. A villain who is precise enough to take out a deodorant spray can held by John McClane from 50 feet away, will still not be good enough a marksman to strike McClane himself.

9. While checking out the rooftop in a building he completely controls, a villain will take time to memorize a few random names from a wall directory; just on the off-chance he needs an alias if unexpectedly confronted by a previously neutralized, shoeless cop.

8. While in a room desperately trying to remain hidden in an effort to evade villains who are diligently searching for you, it’s a good idea to chain smoke cigarettes.

7. After finally securing the grizzled detective and his Agency son who you’ve been chasing, the most effective way to intimidate them is to eat a carrot and do a nice little dance.

6. After a broken-down cop has spent hours alone risking his life to take out your entire crew of mercenaries one by one, and then finally gets to you-who he finds holding his wife-it’s safe to assume that that’s the point at which he’d decide to laugh and give himself up with no backup plan whatsoever.

5. When trying to get the jump on a group of villainous mercenaries, your best ally would be a dim-witted janitor who somehow has access to the all of the extensive blueprints and architectural floor plans necessary for you to do so.

4. A villain will believe that if he hires someone to drop billions of dollars worth of gold bullion 30 feet to the bottom of Long Island Sound, the state, feds, and every single person with a scuba license or a snorkeling mask the entire world over would just leave it there, forever.

3. Of all possible moments, it’s with mere seconds left to figure out how to escape their near-certain, mutual doom that is the best time for two men to get into a heated debate on race relations.

2. The odds of running into the same narcissistic, adversarial news reporter during two separate but similar evil mercenary schemes, one apiece on each coast, are not nearly as long as you might think they’d be.

1. Instead of assisting in any way, the ranking officer at the LAPD Emergency Dispatch Call Center will tell a man, who is under fire, to hang up and phone a slightly more appropriate Emergency Dispatch Call Center.

God. The Devil. The Bet. The Fate of Mankind in the Balance. Check out Chris Gay’s new theological, paranormal crime thriller, Ghost of a Chance.

What if a late 20th Century Jack the Ripper tearing apart a small Connecticut town was the result of a pancake shop bet between God and the devil? Imagine if Satan’s impact on the world in the new millennium hinged entirely on one police officer’s skill in hunting down a ruthless killer…hiding in plain sight. Detective Danny Seabrook is an unwitting pawn in a divine chess match with immeasurable consequences for all mankind. Set primarily in 1995, this action-packed suspense thriller features clever dialogue, humor and romance-with an ending you will never forget.

*     *     *     *

‘Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal’ by Chris Gay

As the end draws near for long-retired Sherlock Holmes in Sussex Downs, he calls one last time for the company of his best friend and colleague, Dr. John Watson. What was meant to be four last days of camaraderie and reminiscing instead leads to the most shocking, explosive revelation both of the great detective’s career, and his life.

Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal is a Holmes tale like none other ever conceived. Fans of Baker Street’s legendary detective will be left with the insatiable need to contemplate its extraordinary conclusion forevermore.

*     *     *     *

‘The Bachelor Cookbook: Edible Meals with a Side of Sarcasm’ by Chris Gay

The Bachelor Cookbook is the perfect (and likely only) addition to any guy’s collection of sarcastic culinary literature. If you’re between relationships and looking to make the most of whatever foodstuffs you’ve got until you meet that next special woman, then your prayers have been answered. Unless you’re an atheist; in which case coming across this book just means your luck was in today. For men looking for sustenance over style, I give you this spectacular cookbook. Well, I don’t “give it” to you, per se. You have to pay for it.

Featuring such taste-bud tempting recipes as:

Popcorn Salad

Meat on a Bed of Rice

Cheese and Crackers

Spaghetti Sandwich

Plus Miscellaneous Cookbook Humor, too!

*     *     *     *

Chris Gay is an author, freelance writer, voice-over artist, broadcaster and actor. He writes and broadcasts a daily, minute radio humor spot in Hartford, Connecticut. He’s also written the paranormal, theological thriller novel Ghost of a Chance and three humor books: And That’s the Way It Was…Give or Take: A Daily Dose of My Radio Writings, Shouldn’t Ice Cold Beer Be Frozen? My 365 Random Thoughts to Improve Your Life Not One Iota, and The Bachelor Cookbook: Edible Meals with a Side of Sarcasm. He’s been published nationally in Writer’s Digest and is currently writing his fourth and fifth humor books, Another Round of Ice Cold Beer: My 365 More Random Thoughts to Improve Your Life Not One Iota  and  Something Witty this Way Comes; the latter being a collection of pieces written for his humor blog. His book Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal, is an original, extraordinary short story on the great detective. Also, he’s writing the Ghost of a Chance sequel Perdition’s Wrath, and has written and voiced radio commercials, authored both comedic and non-comedic freelance articles, scripts, press releases, website, media and technical content, done occasional radio color commentary for local sports, and acted in a couple of movies and plays. His website is chrisjgay.com, and his humor blog can be found at chrisgay.wordpress.com.

http://www.chrisjgay.com

Author Page on Facebook

Chris Gay Author/Writer/ Humorist on Facebook

Ghost of a Chance on Facebook

Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal on Facebook

https://chrisgay.wordpress.com

Twitter: @chrisgay13

Movies:

2012:

Hope Springs (Barfly)

2009:

Testimonies of a Quiet New England Town (Constable John Gilbert)

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Why Jaws is the “Quint”essential 1970’s Movie

By Chris Gay

Though I was only seven and change when the ball dropped in Times Square on New Year’s Day 1980, I still have a few fond memories of the Disco Decade. And while it’s tempting to write a piece on long gas lines, awful hair, absurd fashions, or the Bee Gees, I’ll instead discuss an often overlooked reality of the 1970’s; namely that it was America’s last ten years of naivety.

Some may argue that I’m a decade late; that that ship sailed in the 1960’s.  That using three that’s in a single sentence such as I did in the one prior is lazy writing. Not so fast. (On the former points at least. The latter may have some merit).

If all of the technological advancements created for use by the common (wo)man were combined, from the time we crawled out of the oceans up until slightly past the final out of the Pittsburgh Pirates 1979 We Are Family World Series Championship, they’d pale laughably by comparison to the thirty-eight years that have followed.

This made much of the 1970’s similar in that respect to the eras preceding it. The difference though was that by the time they’d ended, our world had taken its first steps toward an irreversible course regarding technology and the societal changes it brought.

At any rate, you may wonder what made a time period from our very recent past so vastly different from today. Since you’re still reading this, I assume you do. So I’ll proceed.

Consider that in the 1970’s:

• Grocery stores had no register scanners. Consequently, you were stuck waiting for uninspired cashiers to type your order into a machine roughly equivalent to what Rutherford B. Hayes used to compose his inaugural address on.

• The closest thing to microwave popcorn was Jiffy Pop. Although, it was way cooler to make.

• There were three television networks for 227,000,000 people. So if a variety of TV programming was the spice of your life, the technical term for you was “SOL.”

• Almost everything was closed on Sundays. I can only guess that that was so everyone could feel like they lived in Connecticut from the comfort of virtually any other state.

• If your idea of tasteful interior design included a significant amount of the colors Garish Yellow, Avocado Green, and Something Kind of Like Orange, you had hit the jackpot.

• You weren’t stuck watching a cheesy TV series like That ’70’s Show, which was a 1990’s sitcom set in 1970’s Wisconsin. Instead, you could watch a quality TV series like Happy Days; a 1970’s sitcom set in 1950’s Wisconsin.

• Each December, in the spirit of good will, the secular and religious alike greeted each other with a festive “Merry Christmas,” and yet somehow managed to go on with their daily lives without media backlash or interference from agenda-driven protest groups.

• Birthdays were celebrated using cakes decorated with real frosting; not a whipped cream concoction tasting like it was made by someone’s aunt giving a magazine recipe for diet desserts “the old college try.”

• What’s known today as a Tamagotchi, was known then as a “Pet Rock.” The Pet Rock was great for apathetic people because it was impossible to neglect. And with its personality and intellect, there was also the possibility that it might get elected to some public office or another.

• When you called someone who was already on the telephone, you received what was termed a busy signal. To combat that, as part of your unlimited monthly plan, Bell Atlantic offered you a popular feature they referred to as “Hang up & Call Back Later.”

• Approximately no one had a home computer. It wasn’t that big a deal though, as you could easily snag a pocket calculator for around $150.00.

• Although few people had VCR’s and DVDs were science fiction, if you’d managed to stay awake till 3a.m. you still might catch a re-run of The Six Million Dollar Man.

• There was no X-Box, but there was Pong; a graphics-laden video game in which the difference between hockey and tennis was a few more vertical hyphens and the speed of what was, inexplicably, a square ball.

To be fair however, before we go on let’s look at a few things that were better in the 1970’s:

• Even stupid people used decent grammar.

•  Most people had a sense of humor.
• The music was WAY better.

• Lots more food was made with real butter.
• No one knew or cared what Johnny Carson’s political affiliation was.
• Quality TV shows were given more than 45 seconds to prove themselves.

• 95% fewer ordinary, everyday events ended up in some sort of litigation.

• Nosy busybodies had to work much, much harder to acquire gossip on their friends.

•  More often than not, people disagreed with each other using their “inside voices.”

• One could pump gas or patronize a urinal without being subjected to a product advertisement that there was no possible way to avoid.

• Elton John somehow had less hair than he does now.

• No one thought that either The Captain & Tennille’s Daryl Dragon or Cap’n Crunch were authentic Naval officers.

•  Instead of a magical, portable telephone possessing nearly all the world’s collective knowledge, people carried around a Library Card. And somehow still seemed more informed than we are today. Not you though. You’re a smart one, you are.

So, what does any of this have to do with Jaws? Fair enough. Jaws is regarded as the first summer “blockbuster,” and it forever changed the way that movies were marketed and conceptualized.

It was also among the last non-period movies to perfectly capture the very essence of its own time period. There, preserved for all time, are scenes depicting the remnants of the old days we knew, yet would soon know no more. That it almost certainly did so unknowingly is inconsequential and, indeed, adds to its allure.

Here are some examples of scenes you would not have seen had Jaws been filmed just a scant few years later:

• Beach-goers listening to music and ballgames on transistor radios similar to what MacGyver might have constructed out of a coat hanger and dental floss.

• Quint ripping the pull-tab off his beer. Pull-tabs were the brilliantly-conceived, curled-up pieces of razor-sharp metal left over from carbonated beverage cans. They were typically dropped into the cans and forgotten. That is, until the consumer finished the contents only to discover he’d just given himself an involuntary tonsillectomy.

• Any municipality actually thinking it could get away with hiring a shark hunter without nationwide press vilification and a public protest from PETA claiming that Jaws itself was the real victim.

• Hooper crushing a Styrofoam cup and casually tossing it on the deck. Today, he’d be hauled in by the Green Police and heavily reprimanded for utilizing Environmentally un-friendly beverage containers, and then fined three figures for littering. Afterward, they’d go back for Quint to scold him about the waste associated with using the standard light bulb he dared to install in the lamp over the Orca’s dining table.

• A mayor voluntarily wearing a suit publicly and on television that looked like it was stolen from Popeye’s closet.

• Communications accomplished only through land-line phones, CB radios, or walkie-talkies similar to what I once bought at Radio Shack after saving up two-weeks’ allowance.

• Amity’s beaches were re-opened after a confirmed shark attack for the sole purpose of maintaining profit; yet not a single lawyer endeavored to cash in at the expense of either the town or the bereaved.

Now, here are some scenes you might not expect to see regardless of the decade:

• Any kid asking for coffee ice cream.

• After spending hours in the ocean, a 20-foot wooden boat still remaining afloat with a head-sized hole in the hull a foot below the waterline.

• A large group of people simultaneously deciding to throw caution to the wind and swim in great white shark-infested waters, simply because four cops and an oceanographer are cruising around the Atlantic Ocean on a couple of modified dinghies.

• Quint seriously thinking the town council would even consider paying him $3,000 to “find” the shark. And then what; ask it nicely to stay put? Hell, Chrissie Watkins found it for free.

• A newspaper publisher actually believing that the “grocery ads” are the least relevant section of the paper to its subscribers.

• Quint attempting to catch a 25-foot great white shark on the open ocean using such sophisticated equipment as a rod-and-reel fishing pole, and in a boat that  I wouldn’t trust to get me across the Connecticut River during a mid-summer drought.

Well, that’s all for now. Thank you for taking a trip down Seventies Lane with me. Oh, and as if you didn’t see this coming: Have a nice day 🙂

* Though you may think it’s grammatically incorrect to begin a sentence with the conjunction “And,” in actuality there are different schools of thought on that. If you’re still drawn back to it however, there’s really not much I can do. Take heart that, at some point, you’ll most likely get past this.

God. The Devil. The Bet. The Fate of Mankind in the Balance. Check out Chris Gay’s new theological, paranormal crime thriller, Ghost of a Chance.

What if a late 20th Century Jack the Ripper tearing apart a small Connecticut town was the result of a pancake shop bet between God and the devil? Imagine if Satan’s impact on the world in the new millennium hinged entirely on one police officer’s skill in hunting down a ruthless killer…hiding in plain sight. Detective Danny Seabrook is an unwitting pawn in a divine chess match with immeasurable consequences for all mankind. Set primarily in 1995, this action-packed suspense thriller features clever dialogue, humor and romance-with an ending you will never forget.

*     *     *     *

‘Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal’ by Chris Gay

As the end draws near for long-retired Sherlock Holmes in Sussex Downs, he calls one last time for the company of his best friend and colleague, Dr. John Watson. What was meant to be four last days of camaraderie and reminiscing instead leads to the most shocking, explosive revelation both of the great detective’s career, and his life.

Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal is a Holmes tale like none other ever conceived. Fans of Baker Street’s legendary detective will be left with the insatiable need to contemplate its extraordinary conclusion forevermore.

*     *     *     *

Chris Gay is an author, freelance writer, voice-over artist, broadcaster and actor. For 7 years he wrote and broadcast a daily, minute radio humor spot in Hartford, Connecticut. He’s been published nationally in Writer’s Digest and has written the paranormal, theological thriller novel Ghost of a Chance, Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal, (an original, extraordinary short story on the great detective with a spectacular twist) and four humor books: And That’s the Way It Was…Give or Take: A Daily Dose of My Radio Writings, Shouldn’t Ice Cold Beer Be Frozen? My 365 Random Thoughts to Improve Your Life Not One Iota, and The Bachelor Cookbook: Edible Meals with a Side of Sarcasm & Another Round of Ice Cold Beer: My 365 More Random Thoughts to Improve Your Life Not One Iota. He’s written and voiced radio commercials, authored both comedic and non-comedic freelance articles, scripts, press releases, website, media and technical content, done occasional radio color commentary for local sports, and acted in a couple of movies and plays. His website is chrisjgay.com, and his humor blog can be found at chrisgay.wordpress.com.

http://www.chrisjgay.com

Author Page on Facebook

Chris Gay Author/Writer/ Humorist on Facebook

Ghost of a Chance on Facebook

Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal on Facebook

https://chrisgay.wordpress.com

Movies:

2012:

Hope Springs (Barfly)

2009:

Testimonies of a Quiet New England Town (Constable John Gilbert)

A Few Minutes on an Early Influence…Andy Rooney

By Chris Gay

Somewhat infrequently, I’m asked who has influenced me with regard to the humor portion of my writings. Indeed, it was a question I’d also asked myself at times as comedy became more and more the genre I was focusing on. As I thought back on it, I realized the most accurate answer was probably Andy Rooney. To backtrack just a little, I was born in 1972, and by the time the Yankees had beaten the Dodgers for the second consecutive time in the ‘78 World Series, I was already reading everything I could get my hands on. I’d wanted to be a writer and, to a very young me, two of them stood out among the others at that time; primarily for the same reason.

Roald Dahl & Andy Rooney

By the time I was nine I had read many of the now classic books that author Roald Dahl had written for people my age, such as Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. What I hadn’t known at first though was that he had also written the script for the James Bond film You Only Live Twice. Having already seen and loved a few Bond movies by then, I’d thought that that was pretty cool. That the same person was able to change gears like that and write such distinctly different works using the same typewriter struck me as fantastic. Although not as impressive, however, as me finding a way to use the word that three times in six words in the previous two sentences. But let’s move on.

In 1981 or ‘82, I found a copy of A Few Minutes with Andy Rooney in my mom’s living room bookcase and read it. I’d heard of Mr. Rooney, but at ten I can tell you with relative certainty that I didn’t spend all that much time watching 60 Minutes. (The Greatest America Hero however, was another story. Maybe re-runs of Wonder Woman, too. Although, to be honest, not really all that much for the story lines) Most of his essays were short, and many were funny.

What really jumped out at me though was the impressive range of the topics he wrote on, ranging from soap to politics and everything in between. The lesson I learned reading that book was that you could wring comedy out of anything. Though I hadn’t thought about that in a while, a few years back it occurred to me that the radio spots I broadcast today, as well as my books based on them,  And That’s the Way it Was…Give or Take: A Daily Dose of My Radio Writings & Shouldn’t Ice Cold Beer be Frozen? My 365 Random Thoughts To Improve Your Life Not One Iota  are, to some extent, a result of that lesson.

From The Greatest Generation to Generation X

So, what else could an aspiring writer/performer learn from a seasoned essayist 53 years his senior? Quite a bit, actually. It turns out that Andy Rooney and Roald Dahl, aside from their material, weren’t all that different. In fact they both rode on the Cross-Genre Expressway at times. Before writing comedy, Rooney corresponded for the Stars and Stripes newspaper during World War II, and wrote many non-comedic pieces on his experiences during that time. But as some writers can tell you, if you write a variety of stuff in relative anonymity- yet broadcast one particular type on the air somewhere- that’s generally what you’ll start becoming known for. Or so I’ve heard.

Opinions, I’ve Had a Few

In the course of writing this piece I’ve come to realize that maybe he was a bigger influence than I’d thought. I’m a freelance writer who does a little broadcasting, voice-over, and acting. I also have myriad opinions. The difference of course is that having opinions on innumerable topics is one thing; getting millions of people to care what you think about them is quite another. Some I share with Mr. Rooney (I’m very nostalgic, as well as being an agnostic with a love for Christmas) and some I don’t. Further, most Americans have heard of Andy Rooney while, conversely, most have not heard of Chris Gay. Laugh if you will, but if you’re reading this now, once again my number has climbed by one. The point is that Rooney wasn’t a household name until well into the second half of his life. Indeed, he was nearly sixty when he debuted on 60 Minutes.

And The Lesson There is…

It truly is never too late to go after your dreams or, at least, try something more befitting of your natural abilities than whatever you’re doing now. I believe that everyone-including you- has at least one thing they’re very good at doing. When you realize what that is, it might be worth looking into making that what you do in life. Listen, I waited until my thirties to let go of the side boards and try to skate around the rink as a writer. What made me start thinking about trying to go for it, about eight or nine years ago now? It was when I thought about whether four billion years of evolution occurred just to bring us to a place where we spend our time working our tails off for little, in some cubicle-esque or retail environment, while kissing the backside of people we’re likely more talented than. I know what that answer was for me; I’ll leave your answer to you.

I still wonder if I can be a successful writer. I think so, but I’m not sure yet. All I can do is work hard to put myself in a position to be successful. My guess that last sentence is some old football or baseball coach’s cliche’. I’m not sure, I’m just guessing. But it’s my belief notwithstanding. What I do know for sure though is that I won’t be looking back in twenty years asking myself why I didn’t try.

A friend of mine in the radio business once said to me, “Chris, everybody’s always getting ready to get ready.” That was his simplistic yet profound way of saying that while people talk a good game, most never take a chance on themselves. Take what you will from it. But I digress. Actually, I digress a lot.

Wait, Where’s the Humor?

To those who’ve read the majority of my previous writings for their comedy and wonder why this one isn’t all that funny; it’s because it’s not meant to be. The list of people who’ve influenced me in any way is very short and, when one passes, it seems like the proper time to acknowledge them and how they’ve impacted me. The humor will return soon, I promise. In the meantime, if you’re impatient scroll down my blog and reacquaint yourself with some of my previous humor writings. Or don’t. Either way I was able to get a shameless plug into this blog post. And really, that’s what counts.

In Conclusion

Though I’m still hanging on to my thirties, I’m beginning to find that the older one gets, the less one cares all that much about pulling punches with one’s opinions- written or otherwise. I can’t even imagine how much that will be magnified in the unlikely event that I reach age 92. Whether writing straight or writing satire, as long as a writer is honest with himself (or herself) and his readers, some people will agree with you and some won’t. And sometimes, those two groups will trade places.

Thank you, Andy Rooney, for inadvertently teaching us that good writers don’t have to tether themselves to one genre. Even though you probably don’t care that you did. Rest in peace.

God. The Devil. The Bet. The Fate of Mankind in the Balance. Check out my new theological, paranormal crime thriller, Ghost of a Chance.

What if a late 20th Century Jack the Ripper tearing apart a small Connecticut town was the result of a pancake shop bet between God and the devil? Imagine if Satan’s impact on the world in the new millennium hinged entirely on one police officer’s skill in hunting down a ruthless killer…hiding in plain sight. Detective Danny Seabrook is an unwitting pawn in a divine chess match with immeasurable consequences for all mankind. Set primarily in 1995, this action-packed suspense thriller features clever dialogue, humor and romance-with an ending you will never forget.

Chris Gay is an author, freelance writer, voice-over artist, broadcaster and actor. He writes and broadcasts a daily, sponsored minute radio humor spot in Hartford, Connecticut. He’s written three humor books: Shouldn’t Ice Cold Beer Be Frozen? My 365 Random Thoughts to Improve Your Life Not One Iota, And That’s the Way It Was…Give or Take: A Daily Dose of My Radio Writings, and The Bachelor Cookbook: Recipes with a Side of Sarcasm for the Single Guy. He’s currently writing his fourth humor book, Another Round of Ice Cold Beer: My 365 More Random Thoughts to Improve Your Life Not One Iota, along with the Ghost of a Chance sequel Perdition’s Wrath. He has written and voiced radio commercials, authored both comedic and non-comedic freelance articles, scripts, press releases, website, media and technical content, done occasional radio color commentary for local sports, and acted in a couple of movies and plays. He lives in Connecticut.

http://www.chrisjgay.com

Author Page on Facebook

On Facebook

https://chrisgay.wordpress.com

Movies:

2012:

Hope Springs (Barfly)

2009:

Testimonies of a Quiet New England Town (Constable John Gilbert)

 

RIP, Grammar (1828-2011)

By Chris Gay

Mourning Grammar

My friends, it is with great sadness today that we come together to mourn the loss of Grammar. I’d known Grammar for nearly my entire life and, as we had such a great working relationship over the years, I feel it’s my obligation to deliver a eulogy on his behalf.

Similar to many of our nation’s deceptive aunts and grandmothers, no one truly knows how old Grammar really is…or was. So let’s approximate his birth year to be 1828. That was the year Noah Webster published the First Edition of the American Dictionary of the English Language. If the logic of this decision escapes you, you’ll recall that CBS actually aired Green Acres for six seasons. I guess my point is, sometimes it’s better to just accept things and move on.

What’s truly painful is that his loss could have been avoided. Although a relatively young 183, he slowly began to suffer this past decade from the effects of apathy, abuse and neglect until it simply became too much to bear.Or was it bare? Beer? No, wait-it’s bear.

Grammar’s Untimely Passing

Grammar’s untimely passing is indeed ironic. For example as America begins the official remembrance of our Civil War Sesquicentennial, we’ve had greater interest in and occasion to read some of the massive correspondence generated throughout that era. Remarkably, those thousands of young men with little education and no computers, spell checkers, search engines or smart phones were able to compose a garden variety sentence far more eloquently than most of today’s college graduates.

In the 21^st Century it’s easier to check one’s grammar than it is to find something for which the state of Connecticut will tax you; yet still we somehow managed to let Grammar unceremoniously expire. It’s hard to determine whether most people just don’t care anymore, or simply can’t tell the good from the bad. I’m not quite sure which is worse.

In honor of Grammar’s memory, here are two? Too? To? of his many pet peeves that he would’ve wanted you to know about:

If you’re commenting on an internet news story or a social media website and want to express your contempt for a fellow poster by questioning whether he or she possesses a life, that person would be known as a “loser.” Referring to someone as a “looser” simply let’s him or her know that you think he or she has a knack for rendering various objects less tight.

If the word you’re writing is meant to be a contraction of “they are,” it’s “they’re.” If you’re specifying possession, it’s “their.” If you’re talking about a place, it’s “there.” Such as, “they’re over there looking for their keys.” If you find yourself becoming increasingly irritated by a word snob sarcastically pointing out the obvious to you, it’d be “Now there’s a guy who really ought to shut the hell up.”

In conclusion, as we continue to celebrate the life of a truly decent form of communication let’s also hope that numbers can elude Grammar’s fate. After all, the repercussions of careless, sloppy mathematics would be much worse.

By the way, I know what you’re thinking and don’t bother. I absolutely made damn sure to spell check this piece thrice before posting.

Love,

-Christopher

God. The Devil. The Bet. The Fate of Mankind in the Balance. Check out my new theological, paranormal crime thriller, Ghost of a Chance.

What if a late 20th Century Jack the Ripper tearing apart a small Connecticut town was the result of a pancake shop bet between God and the devil? Imagine if Satan’s impact on the world in the new millennium hinged entirely on one police officer’s skill in hunting down a ruthless killer…hiding in plain sight. Detective Danny Seabrook is an unwitting pawn in a divine chess match with immeasurable consequences for all mankind. Set primarily in 1995, this action-packed suspense thriller features clever dialogue, humor and romance-with an ending you will never forget.

Chris Gay is an author, freelance writer, voice-over artist, broadcaster and actor. He writes and broadcasts a daily, sponsored minute radio humor spot in Hartford, Connecticut. He’s written three humor books: Shouldn’t Ice Cold Beer Be Frozen? My 365 Random Thoughts to Improve Your Life Not One Iota, And That’s the Way It Was…Give or Take: A Daily Dose of My Radio Writings, and The Bachelor Cookbook: Recipes with a Side of Sarcasm for the Single Guy. He’s currently writing his fourth humor book, Another Round of Ice Cold Beer: My 365 More Random Thoughts to Improve Your Life Not One Iota, along with the Ghost of a Chance sequel Perdition’s Wrath. He has written and voiced radio commercials, authored both comedic and non-comedic freelance articles, scripts, press releases, website, media and technical content, done occasional radio color commentary for local sports, and acted in a couple of movies and plays. He lives in Connecticut.

http://www.chrisjgay.com

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https://chrisgay.wordpress.com

Movies:

2012:

Hope Springs (Barfly)

2009:

Testimonies of a Quiet New England Town (Constable John Gilbert)