Halloween Fun: My Obituary

By Chris Gay

October 31, 2137

 

Hartford County: Gay, Christopher J

 

Chris Gay, the local bestselling author and hugely popular radio/television personality who was well known for maintaining ruggedly-handsome good looks throughout his lifetime, passed away this morning at 165.

 

He leaves behind his impossibly-buxom 31 year-old wife, who said of her husband’s passing, “It’s obvious God needed a talented right-wing for His hockey team and He just couldn’t wait any longer.”

 

Christopher James Gay was born in Hartford, CT on July 21 to Susan and James Gay and, until Hollywood super-stardom came calling, had lived in Greater Hartford for most of his life.

 

For over two and a half decades, the 2002 Connecticut School of Broadcasting graduate worked soul-sucking jobs in retail and cubicle hell, where his disgust with political correctness, distaste for BS, and penchant for honesty kept him from advancement despite his titanic intellect.

 

He taught himself how to read by age four and, despite never having attended college, went on to become the literary voice of several generations. His talent for effortlessly shifting between comedy, sarcasm, and serious writing allowed him to provide a variety of literature to suit everyone’s tastes, and is what elevated him to his monumental status. It’s widely believed that he single-handedly reintroduced reading as a popular form of entertainment back into world’s consciousness.

 

His peerless voice and lightning-quick wit assured that he wouldn’t spend his lifetime entirely behind the keyboard. In 2014 his serious books Ghost of a Chance and Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal were optioned by Tinseltown, and subsequently made into blockbuster movies; ultimately winning Gay a pair of Best Screenplay Oscars for adapting his own books into scripts.

 

Having already appeared as a drunken lobsterman in the Meryl Streep/Tommy Lee Jones vehicle Hope Springs (2012) and a nearly illiterate 18^th Century constable in Testimonies of a Quiet New England Town, (2009) Gay was the obvious choice to star as the hero in both of his own films, as well. Indeed, Ghost of a Chance still holds the #2 all-time box office sales record, second only to its own sequel, Perdition’s Wrath; (2015) the movie version of which Gay also wrote and starred in.

 

With his popularity soaring, Gay later simultaneously became America’s #1 radio and television talk show host. But he never forgot his roots, writing thirty-nine more novels and humor books for his adoring fans; as well as doing all he could to bring attention to his beloved Greater Hartford.

 

As the saying goes, women wanted him, and men wanted to be him.

 

In 2016, after having gone from a lifetime of rags to multi-billionaire status, he bought an NHL expansion team for Hartford, CT, named it the Whalers, and became the team’s first GM and head coach. In 2017, he became the first man to ever coach a first-year expansion team to the Stanley Cup Championship and, in fact, scored the Cup-winning goal himself after deciding on a whim to suit up and take an overtime shift in Game 7.

 

His media dominance continued for decades and, having little desire for big city life, the born-and-bred New Englander instead spent most of his non-working time shuttling between his oceanside mansion in Maine, lakeside mansion in New Hampshire, and garden variety mansion in central Connecticut.

 

On his 100^th birthday, his home state honored him with a 21-foot solid gold statue on the grounds of the Old State House in Hartford, and also renamed a section of Manchester, CT “Christopherville.” In appreciation of the gestures, Gay arrived at the Old State House that day by water-skiing up the Connecticut River and performing an amazing jump onto its banks; where he then tossed $1,000,000 of his own money at intervals into the gathered crowd.

 

A lock of his incredibly thick hair-which never turned gray-and a picture of his sparkling blue eyes, will be placed on permanent display at the Smithsonian Institute so that future generations of women can see what they missed out on.

 

In 2086, Gay’s off-the-cuff suggestion to the Department of Agriculture resulted in an end to World Hunger.

To celebrate, he cut a song with the descendants of Stevie Wonder, Cyndi Lauper, Bruce Springsteen, and Dionne Warwick, which went double-platinum in its first week of release.

He donated his share of the profits to his fund for building heaters under I-84, so that Connecticut highway drivers could commute without fear of ice. Well, I mean going east and west, at least. He selflessly left I-91 as is, so that some other philanthropist would have the chance to get recognition for do-gooding.

 

Gay generously granted Medical Science’s request to be cryogenically frozen, in their hopes that they will someday be able to give him back to the world.

 

Reportedly, his last words were “I never did learn to iron properly; and I couldn’t care less. And incidentally, it’s “couldn’t.” When you say you “could care less,” it means that there is something you care less about, which is not what you’re trying to say. How could that not be obvious to everyone by now? And don’t get me started on ‘loser’ vs. ‘looser’ or ‘your’ vs. ‘you’re.’ It’s basic grammar, people; learn it!” After which, he expired peacefully.

In lieu of flowers, Chris Gay specifically left instructions asking mourners to buy dinner for random homeless people. That’s just the kind of guy he was.

God. The Devil. The Bet. The Fate of Mankind in the Balance. Check out Chris Gay’s new theological, paranormal crime thriller, Ghost of a Chance.

 

 

What if a late 20th Century Jack the Ripper tearing apart a small Connecticut town was the result of a pancake shop bet between God and the devil? Imagine if Satan’s impact on the world in the new millennium hinged entirely on one police officer’s skill in hunting down a ruthless killer…hiding in plain sight. Detective Danny Seabrook is an unwitting pawn in a divine chess match with immeasurable consequences for all mankind. Set primarily in 1995, this action-packed suspense thriller features clever dialogue, humor and romance-with an ending you will never forget.

 

*     *     *     *

 

‘Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal’ by Chris Gay

 

 

As the end draws near for long-retired Sherlock Holmes in Sussex Downs, he calls one last time for the company of his best friend and colleague, Dr. John Watson. What was meant to be four last days of camaraderie and reminiscing instead leads to the most shocking, explosive revelation both of the great detective’s career, and his life.

 

Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal is a Holmes tale like none other ever conceived. Fans of Baker Street’s legendary detective will be left with the insatiable need to contemplate its extraordinary conclusion forevermore.

 

*     *     *     *

 

‘The Bachelor Cookbook: Edible Meals with a Side of Sarcasm’ by Chris Gay

 

 

The Bachelor Cookbook is the perfect (and likely only) addition to any guy’s collection of sarcastic culinary literature. If you’re between relationships and looking to make the most of whatever foodstuffs you’ve got until you meet that next special woman, then your prayers have been answered. Unless you’re an atheist; in which case coming across this book just means your luck was in today. For men looking for sustenance over style, I give you this spectacular cookbook. Well, I don’t “give it” to you, per se. You have to pay for it.

 

Featuring such taste-bud tempting recipes as:

 

Popcorn Salad

 

Meat on a Bed of Rice

 

Cheese and Crackers

 

Spaghetti Sandwich

 

Plus Miscellaneous Cookbook Humor, too!

 

*     *     *     *

 

Chris Gay is an author, freelance writer, voice-over artist, broadcaster and actor. He writes and broadcasts a daily, minute radio humor spot in Hartford, Connecticut. He’s also written the paranormal, theological thriller novel Ghost of a Chance and three humor books: And That’s the Way It Was…Give or Take: A Daily Dose of My Radio Writings, Shouldn’t Ice Cold Beer Be Frozen? My 365 Random Thoughts to Improve Your Life Not One Iota, and The Bachelor Cookbook: Edible Meals with a Side of Sarcasm. He’s been published nationally in Writer’s Digest and is currently writing his fourth and fifth humor books, Another Round of Ice Cold Beer: My 365 More Random Thoughts to Improve Your Life Not One Iota  and  Something Witty this Way Comes; the latter being a collection of pieces written for his humor blog. His book Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal, is an original, extraordinary short story on the great detective. Also, he’s writing the Ghost of a Chance sequel Perdition’s Wrath, and has written and voiced radio commercials, authored both comedic and non-comedic freelance articles, scripts, press releases, website, media and technical content, done occasional radio color commentary for local sports, and acted in a couple of movies and plays. His website is chrisjgay.com, and his humor blog can be found at chrisgay.wordpress.com.

 

 

 

http://www.chrisjgay.com

 

Author Page on Facebook

 

Chris Gay Author/Writer/ Humorist on Facebook

 

Ghost of a Chance on Facebook

 

Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal on Facebook

 

https://chrisgay.wordpress.com

 

Twitter: @chrisgay13

 

Movies:

 

2012:

 

Hope Springs (Barfly)

 

2009:

 

Testimonies of a Quiet New England Town (Constable John Gilbert)

 

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Exit 2016, Enter 2017

By Chris Gay

As we bid adieu to another year, it falls to us writers/ humorists to throw something out there to elicit a laugh. After all, we don’t make anything useful, such as digital toaster ovens, so we might as well toss some words together for your amusement.

At any rate, here we are.  Once again, the earth has completed its annual 365 day journey around the sun. The unspoken truth is however, that it does this every day. For instance on December 4th, it had been  a year since the prior December 4th. But no one cares about that. (Except, of course, those who were born on December 4th. But it’s not very likely that that’s you.)

So now we all look back and take inventory of what went wrong, what went right, and how we might change things for the better. Also, we buy gym memberships that will be used less than an avocado juicer purchased while watching a 3 a.m. infomercial.

Resolutions

This is the time of year in which we make numerous promises to ourselves that have zero chance of being fulfilled. That’s okay, though. No one fulfills them. If it makes you feel better we all go through the motions. However if it helps, just set the bar very low. For instance, I’ve never smoked in my life. So I resolve not to smoke. Simple. But since I love junk food, I tend to avoid making those kind of unreasonable resolutions.

I also resolve not to listen to rap music or heavy metal, cliff dive off the Rock of Gibraltar, snorkel down to the Titanic’s wreck, or drive 580 miles per hour on the Bonneville Salt Flats. See? It’s easy-that’s if you know how to play the game.

Chinese Take-Out Food

On those New Year‘s Eves in which you find yourself either divorced or too lazy and/or uninspired to go out, Chinese take-out food is essential. Nothing goes better with a DVD, followed by whatever hack hairdo is hosting ‘Dick Clark‘s Rockin’ New Year’s Eve’, than a sea of sweet and sour chicken. Plus, while you’re waiting for your order, you can usually help yourself to a generously provided, free Styrofoam cup of tea, which completely wipes out any calories you’re about to consume. *

Live TV Specials

If you do stay home this New Year’s Eve, there’s likely to be a slew of year-end specials featuring untalented singers that, if you’re in your 30’s or 40’s,  you’ve never heard of. Or if you have, you could not care less about. (Though a few of the divas may be hot enough to justify some cursory viewing.)

Your best bet is to either throw in a DVD or watch whatever’s still taking up space on your DVR. Then around 11:50 p.m., switch over to watch the countdown. Though many stations will show it, who is kidding who? You’re going to go back to the network you grew up watching this Times Square spectacle occur on, ABC, with or without Dick Clark. (RIP) If you don’t remember doing that, you’re probably not reading this blog, anyway.

Times Square

At some point during the evening, you’re likely to reminisce on long ago promises made to yourself to attend in person the ball dropping on New Year’s Eve. Don’t screw with yourself. If you were born during Reagan’s first term or earlier, it’s just not happening. Who needs all of that hassle, anyway? Especially if you live in, like, Iowa.

Champagne

Some of you may wish to celebrate the Earth’s most recent revolution with a bit ‘o the bubbly. If so, more power to you. I’m a vodka man myself. If you’re home, or out with a group that includes a designated driver, whatever floats your boat. In point of fact it’s water that floats my boat; but there’s much less fun in consuming H2O.

New Year’s Day

When you awaken late morning (or more likely early afternoon) the new tradition is to watch the National Hockey League’s signature game, the outdoor Winter Classic. Or you can catch one of the TBS showings of 24 Hours of a Christmas Story. No, wait. Scratch that. I got my holidays mixed up. Give me a break; as I edit this it’s after 4 a.m. And also, May.

Biblical Implications

Technically, I’m an Agnostic Catholic. But I did attend Catholic school, and (blatant plug alert) wrote a theological, paranormal thriller novel. (Please see the even more blatant reference in my Author Biography.) So I’m fully authorized to delve into this topic with sarcasm.

You may not realize it, but our system of measuring contemporary time begins with the birth of Jesus Christ. It goes: B.C. = Before Christ, A.D. = Anno Domino, A.C. = Air Conditioning.

Having never taken Latin, I can only assume that the middle one translates to After Domino’s, & references how my early Christian brethren and sister-en ordered their more recent pizzas.

Anyway, what we’re actually celebrating each January is the number of years that have passed since Jesus’s birth. The only issue there is that He was almost certainly born in the spring. But that’s okay. Like all good writing, it got cleaned up during the editing process.

Plus it’s more convenient this way. Since Earth is over 4 billion years old, if we counted from the actual beginning of time imagine how long it’d take to write out personal checks. Not to mention the looks you’d get in the express line at the supermarket. I guess it will become an issue for those people living here in 8 Billion A.D., but who cares? That’ll be their problem.

In Conclusion

Just go with it. Enjoy the day, be responsible, and be safe. And if you sleep through it all, that’s okay. Super Bowl Sunday is only five weeks away.

* I’m not even close to a doctor, so there is a slight chance that my statement is wholly and completely inaccurate

God. The Devil. The Bet. The Fate of Mankind in the Balance. Check out Chris Gay’s new theological, paranormal crime thriller, Ghost of a Chance.

What if a late 20th Century Jack the Ripper tearing apart a small Connecticut town was the result of a pancake shop bet between God and the devil? Imagine if Satan’s impact on the world in the new millennium hinged entirely on one police officer’s skill in hunting down a ruthless killer…hiding in plain sight. Detective Danny Seabrook is an unwitting pawn in a divine chess match with immeasurable consequences for all mankind. Set primarily in 1995, this action-packed suspense thriller features clever dialogue, humor and romance-with an ending you will never forget.

*     *     *     *

‘Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal’ by Chris Gay

As the end draws near for long-retired Sherlock Holmes in Sussex Downs, he calls one last time for the company of his best friend and colleague, Dr. John Watson. What was meant to be four last days of camaraderie and reminiscing instead leads to the most shocking, explosive revelation both of the great detective’s career, and his life.

Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal is a Holmes tale like none other ever conceived. Fans of Baker Street’s legendary detective will be left with the insatiable need to contemplate its extraordinary conclusion forevermore.

*     *     *     *

Chris Gay is an author, freelance writer, voice-over artist, broadcaster and actor. For 7 years he wrote and broadcast a daily, minute radio humor spot in Hartford, Connecticut. He’s been published nationally in Writer’s Digest and has written the paranormal, theological thriller novel Ghost of a Chance, Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal, (an original, extraordinary short story on the great detective with a spectacular twist) and four humor books: And That’s the Way It Was…Give or Take: A Daily Dose of My Radio Writings, Shouldn’t Ice Cold Beer Be Frozen? My 365 Random Thoughts to Improve Your Life Not One Iota, and The Bachelor Cookbook: Edible Meals with a Side of Sarcasm & Another Round of Ice Cold Beer: My 365 More Random Thoughts to Improve Your Life Not One Iota. He’s written and voiced radio commercials, authored both comedic and non-comedic freelance articles, scripts, press releases, website, media and technical content, done occasional radio color commentary for local sports, and acted in a couple of movies and plays. His website is chrisjgay.com, and his humor blog can be found at chrisgay.wordpress.com.

http://www.chrisjgay.com

Author Page on Facebook

Chris Gay Author/Writer/ Humorist on Facebook

Ghost of a Chance on Facebook

Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal on Facebook

https://chrisgay.wordpress.com

Movies:

2012:

Hope Springs (Barfly)

2009:

Testimonies of a Quiet New England Town (Constable John Gilbert)

Chris Gay’s Hurricane Sandy Journal (10/29/2012)

By Chris Gay

Chris’s Hurricane Sandy Journal (10/29/2012)

8:56p.m.-Considered taking out trash, ultimately opted not to risk ending up in Kansas.

8:39p.m.-Power remains, vodka refreshingly cold. Paused MNF game on DVR only to write this sentence. With no wish to lose electricity at this late hour, will not taunt hurricane gods by making sarcastic comment regarding their aim.

7:16p.m.-Wind howling, power still on. Catching the end of  ‘Goldfinger‘ now a distinct possibility. (Update: Watch end of movie. James Bond defeats Goldfinger; outcome never in any real doubt)

6:44p.m.-Lights flicker while Hot Pockets still in microwave. Power holds out, Hot Pockets are delicious.

5:37p.m.-Woke up from short nap in the darkness thinking power had gone out; turns out I’d just left the lights off before I fell asleep.

12:21p.m.- Watched a ‘Pumpkinhead’ sequel on DVR. Story turns out to be little different than any other ‘Pumpkinheads.’ (Oscar not likely, retroactively or other)

11:18a.m.-Considered praying that power stays on through Monday Night Football; remember I’m agnostic. (Pray anyway for ice to to stay cold for vodka later. So far, so good)

10:06a.m.-Made a Modified Shepherd’s Pie out of refrigerated mashed potatoes, frozen corn in butter, and cheap breakfast sausage. (‘The Bachelor Cookbook’ not yet published, but already paying dividends)

8:46a.m.-Go to dollar store for candles, actually get less value than what I paid for.

7:01a.m.-Woke up, listened to Buffalo, NY sports radio on phone app for four minutes; predictably, fell right back to sleep.

God. The Devil. The Bet. The Fate of Mankind in the Balance. Check out my new theological, paranormal crime thriller, Ghost of a Chance.

What if a late 20th Century Jack the Ripper tearing apart a small Connecticut town was the result of a pancake shop bet between God and the devil? Imagine if Satan’s impact on the world in the new millennium hinged entirely on one police officer’s skill in hunting down a ruthless killer…hiding in plain sight. Detective Danny Seabrook is an unwitting pawn in a divine chess match with immeasurable consequences for all mankind. Set primarily in 1995, this action-packed suspense thriller features clever dialogue, humor and romance-with an ending you will never forget.

Chris Gay is an author, freelance writer, voice-over artist, broadcaster and actor. He writes and broadcasts a daily, sponsored minute radio humor spot in Hartford, Connecticut. He’s written three humor books: Shouldn’t Ice Cold Beer Be Frozen? My 365 Random Thoughts to Improve Your Life Not One Iota, And That’s the Way It Was…Give or Take: A Daily Dose of My Radio Writings, and The Bachelor Cookbook: Recipes with a Side of Sarcasm for the Single Guy. He’s currently writing his fourth humor book, Another Round of Ice Cold Beer: My 365 More Random Thoughts to Improve Your Life Not One Iota, along with the Ghost of a Chance sequel Perdition’s Wrath. He has written and voiced radio commercials, authored both comedic and non-comedic freelance articles, scripts, press releases, website, media and technical content, done occasional radio color commentary for local sports, and acted in a couple of movies and plays. He lives in Connecticut.

http://www.chrisjgay.com

Author Page on Facebook

On Facebook

https://chrisgay.wordpress.com

Movies:

2012:

Hope Springs (Barfly)

2009:

Testimonies of a Quiet New England Town (Constable John Gilbert)

Better Cereal Box Prizes and Other Ideas

By Chris Gay 

Due to a rather large sweet tooth, I still eat the junk cereal on occasion. One thing about cereals these days is that they don’t seem to include prizes in the box anymore. Of course, unless the prize was even more junk food I wouldn’t have use for it anyway.

However, it did get me thinking about how cool it’d be if other products gave away prizes with their purchase, too.

I don’t mean the baking soda-powered plastic boats, compasses, or temporary tattoos of yesteryear, but rather more practical items.

For example, how about a bottle of vodka with a sample pack of aspirin taped to the bottom?

A doorbell that comes with a sensor and a downloadable secondary ringtone that can distinguish early on a Saturday morning between the FedEx guy, and the pamphlet-laden guy who’s there to ‘bring you the Good News.’ When it’s the latter, the doorbell rings the alternate tone.

A bag of microwave popcorn that comes with one of those dental-floss-on-a-stick things attached.

A greatest hits CD that comes with two free song downloads, so you can get the two greatest hits the band left off the CD in order to include their two new ones you’ve never heard of.

A clothes dryer that comes with a sensor which beeps if you turn it on and walk away without cleaning the lint trap; thus saving you two hours of your time and two dollars in quarters.

A sticker taped to your credit card that automatically turns from green to red a month before the year of 0% interest on your card runs out; thereby reminding you to look through your junk mail so you’ll have a reasonable chance to make a balance transfer before it’s suddenly 18.9%.

A pair of pants with magnets in the pockets, so when you get off the couch you still have all the loose change you started with.

Expanding to Useful Services and Ideas

A gas station that delivers, just in case you’re watching TV one night and suddenly realize you may have driven a little too long with the yellow light on yesterday.

Disposable dress shirts for people who really, really don’t like to iron.

Self-cleaning George Foreman grills for after you lose the little plastic spatulas they come with.

A dishwasher soap that gets your glassware anywhere close to as spot-free as they do in their commercials.

A television that will automatically sync-up the volume of the show you’re watching with its accompanying absurdly louder commercials.

Edible toothpaste for lazy brushers.

Green Tea and Omega 3-infused bacon cheeseburgers.

A restaurant that will fully commit to completely straining the pasta of water before serving it with their Chicken Parmesan.

Daylight Saving Time starting every Friday, and then returning to Standard Time every Monday morning.

Reality shows with minimum intellect requirements.

Tip calculators that factor in poor service.

Mandatory college courses that teach the difference between ‘loser’ and ‘looser.’

Thank you for reading. Tune in next week when the topic will be something else.

God. The Devil. The Bet. The Fate of Mankind in the Balance. Check out my new theological, paranormal crime thriller, Ghost of a Chance.

What if a late 20th Century Jack the Ripper tearing apart a small Connecticut town was the result of a pancake shop bet between God and the devil? Imagine if Satan’s impact on the world in the new millennium hinged entirely on one police officer’s skill in hunting down a ruthless killer…hiding in plain sight. Detective Danny Seabrook is an unwitting pawn in a divine chess match with immeasurable consequences for all mankind. Set primarily in 1995, this action-packed suspense thriller features clever dialogue, humor and romance-with an ending you will never forget.

Chris Gay is an author, freelance writer, voice-over artist, broadcaster and actor. He writes and broadcasts a daily, sponsored minute radio humor spot in Hartford, Connecticut. He’s written three humor books: Shouldn’t Ice Cold Beer Be Frozen? My 365 Random Thoughts to Improve Your Life Not One Iota, And That’s the Way It Was…Give or Take: A Daily Dose of My Radio Writings, and The Bachelor Cookbook: Recipes with a Side of Sarcasm for the Single Guy. He’s currently writing his fourth humor book, Another Round of Ice Cold Beer: My 365 More Random Thoughts to Improve Your Life Not One Iota, along with the Ghost of a Chance sequel Perdition’s Wrath. He has written and voiced radio commercials, authored both comedic and non-comedic freelance articles, scripts, press releases, website, media and technical content, done occasional radio color commentary for local sports, and acted in a couple of movies and plays. He lives in Connecticut.

http://www.chrisjgay.com

Author Page on Facebook

On Facebook

https://chrisgay.wordpress.com

Movies:

2012:

Hope Springs (Barfly)

2009:

Testimonies of a Quiet New England Town (Constable John Gilbert)

A Toast to Carrier, the Patron Saint of Air Conditioning

It’s hard to believe that a century has passed since Willis Carrier bestowed upon civilization its greatest man-made gift. Looking back on the 20th Century, it’s not hard to discern its most important contribution to mankind.

Okay, I’ll grant that maybe penicillin is up there.  And maybe…okay, okay. Let’s just stipulate all the medical advances. And definitely yoga pants.

So, what’s left?

Before you all answer at once, (which would be odd, as this isn’t a traditional conversation) remember that the telephone, radio, motorcar, movie camera, record player, fax machine, Coca-Cola, Pepsi-Cola, and even television (well, technically) all have their roots planted firmly in the 19th Century and therefore don’t count. Nice try, though.

If you care about my opinion on the matter and, since you’re reading the fourth paragraph I’m guessing you do, (unless you’re just bored, which is still cool; as either way you’ve already increased my page views) it is without question air conditioning.

Yes, I’d give up DVD’s, stuffed crust pizza, the treadmill-and even the microchips that allow me to write these very words before I’d ever part with my AC.

I was born and bred in New England. So I’m sure there are people reading this in Georgia, Texas or Louisiana laughing heartily at my inability to abide our semi-annual fluctuating inferno by comparison to Southerners’ ability to handle the relentless, even sweltering-er version, of theirs.

Fair enough. In fact, I’ll even showcase our famed Northern Hospitality by not mentioning it’s their ridiculous choice to live there.

Ironically Mr. Carrier, the man who made possible such a large exodus to our South, invented modern air conditioning in Buffalo, New York. In fact his company remained a mainstay in nearby Syracuse for decades. These, of course, are two cities where spring and autumn are myths, summer is encompassed between July 16th through July 20th, and in which winter resides the rest of the year.

The reality is that nothing can truly be enjoyed when you’re surrounded by oppressive heat. I’d rather be comfortable and bored than lose a quart of water weight sitting on the couch watching a ballgame in 50-inch high definition. Besides, there’s always a book to read. (Though I guess it does depend on the game.)

So the next time someone comes up for Canonization or Beautification, (As I’m about 25% Catholic and 75% Agnostic, I can never quite remember which one applies. As a writer though, I did know to capitalize them) I’d like to nominate Willis Haviland Carrier. At the very least he was truly, literally, one cool dude.

God. The Devil. The Bet. The Fate of Mankind in the Balance. Check out Chris Gay’s new theological, paranormal crime thriller, Ghost of a Chance.

What if a late 20th Century Jack the Ripper tearing apart a small Connecticut town was the result of a pancake shop bet between God and the devil? Imagine if Satan’s impact on the world in the new millennium hinged entirely on one police officer’s skill in hunting down a ruthless killer…hiding in plain sight. Detective Danny Seabrook is an unwitting pawn in a divine chess match with immeasurable consequences for all mankind. Set primarily in 1995, this action-packed suspense thriller features clever dialogue, humor and romance-with an ending you will never forget.

*     *     *     *

‘Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal’ by Chris Gay

As the end draws near for long-retired Sherlock Holmes in Sussex Downs, he calls one last time for the company of his best friend and colleague, Dr. John Watson. What was meant to be four last days of camaraderie and reminiscing instead leads to the most shocking, explosive revelation both of the great detective’s career, and his life.

Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal is a Holmes tale like none other ever conceived. Fans of Baker Street’s legendary detective will be left with the insatiable need to contemplate its extraordinary conclusion forevermore.

*     *     *     *

Chris Gay is an author, freelance writer, voice-over artist, broadcaster and actor. For 7 years he wrote and broadcast a daily, minute radio humor spot in Hartford, Connecticut. He’s been published nationally in Writer’s Digest and has written the paranormal, theological thriller novel Ghost of a Chance, Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal, (an original, extraordinary short story on the great detective with a spectacular twist) and four humor books: And That’s the Way It Was…Give or Take: A Daily Dose of My Radio Writings, Shouldn’t Ice Cold Beer Be Frozen? My 365 Random Thoughts to Improve Your Life Not One Iota, and The Bachelor Cookbook: Edible Meals with a Side of Sarcasm & Another Round of Ice Cold Beer: My 365 More Random Thoughts to Improve Your Life Not One Iota. He’s written and voiced radio commercials, authored both comedic and non-comedic freelance articles, scripts, press releases, website, media and technical content, done occasional radio color commentary for local sports, and acted in a couple of movies and plays. His website is chrisjgay.com, and his humor blog can be found at chrisgay.wordpress.com.

http://www.chrisjgay.com

Author Page on Facebook

Chris Gay Author/Writer/ Humorist on Facebook

Ghost of a Chance on Facebook

Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal on Facebook

https://chrisgay.wordpress.com

Movies:

2012:

Hope Springs (Barfly)

2009:

Testimonies of a Quiet New England Town (Constable John Gilbert)

Leap Year

By Chris Gay             

Leap Year                    

I’m not exactly certain about the origins of Leap Year, though my guess is that at some point or another, some King, Cardinal or Pope decided to muddle around with the calendar for some long forgotten, (or lazily un-researched) purpose.

The Reasoning

Apparently a year’s actual duration is 365 days and 6 hours. So the end result is, with three exceptions every 400 years,* February gets an extra day every election cycle. How happy February must be.

According to the Book of Google, it was Caesar Augustus who poached a few days from the second month. He did so in order to add them to his namesake August; evidently so as not to feel inferior to his predecessor Julius Caesar, whose own month, July, contains 31 days. And things have remained the same ever since; probably because no Caesar Februarius ever came along.

It has been speculated too that Caesar Augustus did it because the following song, as originally sung: “30 days hath November; April, June and September. Oh yeah, and February,” simply sounded too clunky. Of course, that speculation was primarily done by me in an effort to extend this blog post by an extra paragraph. Whatever. You read it, didn’t you?

Customs

It is said that on Leap Day, it’s acceptable for a woman to propose marriage to her man. Actually, that is a pretty good idea. In fact if I ever get remarried and I’m the one proposed to, I hope whoever she is uses a reproduction of the New York Giants Super Bowl XLII Championship ring.

Meteorological Impact

Although rarely discussed, Leap Year also mathematically influences weather prognostications when it puts in its quadrennial appearance. How? Because any shadow-seeing groundhogs inadvertently condemn us to six more weeks-and a day-of winter.

Leap Year’s Most Noteworthy Event

Though opinions may vary, it’s practically inarguable that the greatest Leap Year moment in all of recorded history came in 1980, when Gordie Howe, the legendary Mr. Hockey, scored his 800^th career goal for my beloved Hartford Whalers. In fact, you know what? That is inarguable.

Benefits of Leap Year

Perhaps the greatest benefit Leap Year offers is that it provides yet another relatively obscure topic for comedy writers to blog on when they can’t think of anything better to write about.

* This fact may have been slightly researched, as I suck at math.

God. The Devil. The Bet. The Fate of Mankind in the Balance. Check out Chris Gay’s new theological, paranormal crime thriller, Ghost of a Chance.

What if a late 20th Century Jack the Ripper tearing apart a small Connecticut town was the result of a pancake shop bet between God and the devil? Imagine if Satan’s impact on the world in the new millennium hinged entirely on one police officer’s skill in hunting down a ruthless killer…hiding in plain sight. Detective Danny Seabrook is an unwitting pawn in a divine chess match with immeasurable consequences for all mankind. Set primarily in 1995, this action-packed suspense thriller features clever dialogue, humor and romance-with an ending you will never forget.

*     *     *     *

‘Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal’ by Chris Gay

 

 

 

 

 

As the end draws near for long-retired Sherlock Holmes in Sussex Downs, he calls one last time for the company of his best friend and colleague, Dr. John Watson. What was meant to be four last days of camaraderie and reminiscing instead leads to the most shocking, explosive revelation both of the great detective’s career, and his life.

Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal is a Holmes tale like none other ever conceived. Fans of Baker Street’s legendary detective will be left with the insatiable need to contemplate its extraordinary conclusion forevermore.

*     *     *     *

Chris Gay is an author, freelance writer, voice-over artist, broadcaster and actor. For 7 years he wrote and broadcast a daily, minute radio humor spot in Hartford, Connecticut. He’s been published nationally in Writer’s Digest and has written the paranormal, theological thriller novel Ghost of a Chance, Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal, (an original, extraordinary short story on the great detective with a spectacular twist) and four humor books: And That’s the Way It Was…Give or Take: A Daily Dose of My Radio Writings, Shouldn’t Ice Cold Beer Be Frozen? My 365 Random Thoughts to Improve Your Life Not One Iota, and The Bachelor Cookbook: Edible Meals with a Side of Sarcasm & Another Round of Ice Cold Beer: My 365 More Random Thoughts to Improve Your Life Not One Iota. He’s written and voiced radio commercials, authored both comedic and non-comedic freelance articles, scripts, press releases, website, media and technical content, done occasional radio color commentary for local sports, and acted in a couple of movies and plays. His website is chrisjgay.com, and his humor blog can be found at chrisgay.wordpress.com.

http://www.chrisjgay.com

Author Page (on Facebook)

Chris Gay Author/Writer/ Humorist (on Facebook)

Ghost of a Chance (on Facebook)

Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal (on Facebook)

The Bachelor Cookbook: Edible Meals with a Side of Sarcasm (on Facebook)

And That’s the Way it Was…Give or Take: A Daily Dose of My Radio Writings (on Facebook)

Shouldn’t Ice Cold Beer Be Frozen? My 365 Random Thoughts to Improve Your Life Not One Iota (on Facebook)

Another Round of Ice Cold Beer: My 365 More Random Thoughts to Improve Your Life Not One Iota (on Facebook)

https://chrisgay.wordpress.com

Movies:

2012:

Hope Springs (Barfly)

2009:

Testimonies of a Quiet New England Town (Constable John Gilbert)

 

“Haha” versus “Lol”-So What’ll it Be?

By Chris Gay

So, you’re about to send or respond to a text or email; or perhaps comment on a social media thread. With your thought completed, you now seek to punctuate your words with something to indicate a humorous intent, as you fear your recipient may be too much of a simpleton to grasp the underlying comedy. You now face a choice that will likely define you for years, nay, decades to come.

‘Haha’…or ‘Lol’?

With the exception of the occasional miscreant who insists on bucking the system and utilizing some other suffix to denote a droll post, most of us are going to pick from the two. Why? For the same reason that nobody really wants to buy domain names if they can’t get what they want to end in .com or .net. Indeed, domain merchants practically pay you to take the .infos off their hands.

At any rate, what you go with at the outset of your texting career will almost certainly set the tone for a lifetime. If this last sentence sounds a lot like the one that concluded the first paragraph, it’s because some topics don’t lend themselves well to my self-imposed ‘minimum four hundred words per humor blog post,’ and so filler is required. Even clever-er is that that unnecessary explanation, for that which you likely didn’t even notice anyway, brought me even further toward my goal. In fact it went so well, I’m even tempted to go into the reason one would use ‘further’ in place of  ‘farther’ just then. However that might be pushing it. So moving along, decisions like this take time as well as consideration. As a service to you, let’s take them in turn shall we? We shall.

Lol. What does that even mean? Yes, I realize that literally it expands to Laughing out Loud. But it’s nonsensical. No one actually ‘laughs out loud’ at nearly any of the electronic correspondence he or she receives. Indeed, the funniest thing about a text or email from a friend is likely the ludicrous grammar used by someone who you otherwise thought was an adult of reasonable intelligence.

It’s even more absurd when someone inexplicably uses it after a blatant insult. For instance, you might receive a text reading something like: “Btw thanx 4 the bday gift, but next time don’t get me clothes. U seem 2 have the fashion sense of a far-sighted circus clown. lol.”

It’s to the point where people now believe they can write anything in a message, so long as they tack on an lol. So now texts like these become commonplace:

“It was nice meeting you for lunch after so long, although I was somewhat surprised at how fat you’d gotten. Hopefully, that buffet we ate at will still be able to stay in business. lol”

Or, “Wow, the plastic surgeon really screwed up your nose job. Well maybe now you can get work posing for comic strip characters. lol.”   

Haha, while not ideal, is more practical. It’s used for the most part to compassionately explain that the writer’s intent is not meant to be serious, as it’s sometimes difficult to determine the context of a given message. For example, which one of these two texts would you rather receive?

1) “Dude, the doctor just said my “issue” should clear up on its own in a few weeks. So is it okay now if I call your sister?”

2) “Dude, the doctor just said my “issue” should clear up on its own in a few weeks. So is it okay now if I call your sister? Haha.” 

Or these:

1) “Thanks for letting me borrow your credit card to fill up the Toyota, honey. Oh btw, I also decided to buy $700 worth of Omaha steaks to stock our new freezer.”

2) “Thanks for letting me borrow your credit card to fill up the Toyota, honey. Oh btw, I also decided to buy $700 worth of Omaha steaks to stock our new freezer, haha.”

So you see, there is a measurable difference between the two and, now that you know it, the choice is yours. So as not to influence your decision I won’t give you my own preference, haha.

God. The Devil. The Bet. The Fate of Mankind in the Balance. Check out my new theological, paranormal crime thriller, Ghost of a Chance.

What if a late 20th Century Jack the Ripper tearing apart a small Connecticut town was the result of a pancake shop bet between God and the devil? Imagine if Satan’s impact on the world in the new millennium hinged entirely on one police officer’s skill in hunting down a ruthless killer…hiding in plain sight. Detective Danny Seabrook is an unwitting pawn in a divine chess match with immeasurable consequences for all mankind. Set primarily in 1995, this action-packed suspense thriller features clever dialogue, humor and romance-with an ending you will never forget.

Chris Gay is an author, freelance writer, voice-over artist, broadcaster and actor. He writes and broadcasts a daily, sponsored minute radio humor spot in Hartford, Connecticut. He’s written three humor books: Shouldn’t Ice Cold Beer Be Frozen? My 365 Random Thoughts to Improve Your Life Not One Iota, And That’s the Way It Was…Give or Take: A Daily Dose of My Radio Writings, and The Bachelor Cookbook: Recipes with a Side of Sarcasm for the Single Guy. He’s currently writing his fourth humor book, Another Round of Ice Cold Beer: My 365 More Random Thoughts to Improve Your Life Not One Iota, along with the Ghost of a Chance sequel Perdition’s Wrath. He has written and voiced radio commercials, authored both comedic and non-comedic freelance articles, scripts, press releases, website, media and technical content, done occasional radio color commentary for local sports, and acted in a couple of movies and plays. He lives in Connecticut.

http://www.chrisjgay.com

Author Page on Facebook

On Facebook

https://chrisgay.wordpress.com

Movies:

2012:

Hope Springs (Barfly)

2009:

Testimonies of a Quiet New England Town (Constable John Gilbert)

Remembering Frank Buckles

By Chris Gay

On February 27, 2011 America lost Frank Buckles, the last of her surviving World War I veterans. Since then, the question has been asked: should a relatively nondescript ambulance driver be remembered above the millions of other American and Allied servicemen who gave their lives in that horrendous conflict? I believe the answer is yes.

So many are quick to forget the famous, haunting words of George Santayana, who noted that “those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it.” Mr. Buckles will now serve as a symbol to that very sentiment, having fought in what was referred to as both the “Great War” and “War to End All Wars.”

If history teaches us any lesson, it’s that no such war exists. There is always another.

Remembering Our Past

The notoriety achieved by this former corporal at the time of his passing should be used as a catalyst to enlighten younger generations to the atrocities of World War I. If so, we’ll all be better for it.

As time marches forward; as participants in, and witnesses to, this monumental event die out, memories and justifications will continue to recede. Until all that’s left are written accounts that many will simply ignore-or worse; be unaware of. It’s a recession that cannot continue.

Indeed, Armistice Day, the holiday initially established to commemorate the end of the Great War, has already been absorbed and re-christened as Veteran’s Day. The only thing left to distinguish it from other wars is the date we celebrate it: November 11.

One wonders whether the same fate awaits the equally brave World War II veterans in twenty years. After that, perhaps Korea. And then Viet Nam.

We have long had a tendency to pick and choose which war’s veterans should be honored, which should be forgotten or even, reprehensibly, cast aside. The truth is that no war or its veterans should ever be forgotten; regardless of its popularity or the distance from the present at which it happens to reside.

The sacrifices made year after year, decade after decade, war after war, need to be honored indefinitely.

Frank Woodruff Buckles deserved the posthumous attention he received on behalf of himself and the millions of Allied soldiers who did not make it home.

There are few greater acts of selflessness one can perform than to risk all that one has, so that others might be safer for the effort.

From the Revolutionary War through all that have since followed, few generations have been able to escape anteing up their share of young soldiers. These men and women must all be remembered by their families individually, and by their country collectively-and with more than just hot dogs, mattress sales and zero interest automobile loans.

Godspeed, Corporal Buckles. And to all of those men with whom you served so bravely in World War I.

God. The Devil. The Bet. The Fate of Mankind in the Balance. Check out Chris Gay’s new theological, paranormal crime thriller, Ghost of a Chance.

What if a late 20th Century Jack the Ripper tearing apart a small Connecticut town was the result of a pancake shop bet between God and the devil? Imagine if Satan’s impact on the world in the new millennium hinged entirely on one police officer’s skill in hunting down a ruthless killer…hiding in plain sight. Detective Danny Seabrook is an unwitting pawn in a divine chess match with immeasurable consequences for all mankind. Set primarily in 1995, this action-packed suspense thriller features clever dialogue, humor and romance-with an ending you will never forget.

*     *     *     *

‘Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal’ by Chris Gay

As the end draws near for long-retired Sherlock Holmes in Sussex Downs, he calls one last time for the company of his best friend and colleague, Dr. John Watson. What was meant to be four last days of camaraderie and reminiscing instead leads to the most shocking, explosive revelation both of the great detective’s career, and his life.

Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal is a Holmes tale like none other ever conceived. Fans of Baker Street’s legendary detective will be left with the insatiable need to contemplate its extraordinary conclusion forevermore.

*     *     *     *

‘The Bachelor Cookbook: Edible Meals with a Side of Sarcasm’ by Chris Gay

The Bachelor Cookbook is the perfect (and likely only) addition to any guy’s collection of sarcastic culinary literature. If you’re between relationships and looking to make the most of whatever foodstuffs you’ve got until you meet that next special woman, then your prayers have been answered. Unless you’re an atheist; in which case coming across this book just means your luck was in today. For men looking for sustenance over style, I give you this spectacular cookbook. Well, I don’t “give it” to you, per se. You have to pay for it.

Featuring such taste-bud tempting recipes as:

Popcorn Salad

Meat on a Bed of Rice

Cheese and Crackers

Spaghetti Sandwich

Plus Miscellaneous Cookbook Humor, too!

*     *     *     *

Chris Gay is an author, freelance writer, voice-over artist, broadcaster and actor. For 7 years he wrote and broadcast a daily, minute radio humor spot in Hartford, Connecticut. He’s been published nationally in Writer’s Digest and has written the paranormal, theological thriller novel Ghost of a Chance, Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal, (an original, extraordinary short story on the great detective with a spectacular twist) and four humor books: And That’s the Way It Was…Give or Take: A Daily Dose of My Radio Writings, Shouldn’t Ice Cold Beer Be Frozen? My 365 Random Thoughts to Improve Your Life Not One Iota, and The Bachelor Cookbook: Edible Meals with a Side of Sarcasm & Another Round of Ice Cold Beer: My 365 More Random Thoughts to Improve Your Life Not One Iota. He’s written and voiced radio commercials, authored both comedic and non-comedic freelance articles, scripts, press releases, website, media and technical content, done occasional radio color commentary for local sports, and acted in a couple of movies and plays. His website is chrisjgay.com, and his humor blog can be found at chrisgay.wordpress.com.

http://www.chrisjgay.com

Author Page on Facebook

Chris Gay Author/Writer/ Humorist on Facebook

Ghost of a Chance on Facebook

Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal on Facebook

https://chrisgay.wordpress.com

Twitter: @chrisgay13

Movies:

2012:

Hope Springs (Barfly)

2009:

Testimonies of a Quiet New England Town (Constable John Gilbert)

The Holidays Are Over…Happy Now?

The Holidays are Over… Happy Now?

By Chris Gay

You hear it every year. It’s tedious, and as predictable as Punxsutawney Phil on February 3rd. What is it, you ask? Why, the incessant complaining about the holiday season, of course. You know who they are; those people who whine about Christmas display racks in September, cornucopias in October, Christmas songs in November and year ’round icicle lights.

All right, fine. So now it’s January and you’ve got your wish. You’ve made the noble sacrifice of enduring two turkey dinners in five weeks, while being forced to drive past festive, brightly colored decorations illuminating the freshly fallen snow. Too, you’ve survived the horrifying experience of spending perhaps ten total hours over two months with those people from whose gene pool you sprang. Now, you’re right where you want to be-the majestic wonderland known as January, February and March. This is the endearing part of the year that you’ve been dying to get through to, right? So…here it is! Enjoy.

Now that you’ve suffered through a 4th quarter where you were made to tolerate an endless procession of good food, good friends, family, goodwill, spirited music, TV specials, kindness, and charity, you’ve finally reached your reward: three bitterly cold months with a few beers on St. Patrick’s Day to look forward to. Congratulations.

On the other hand maybe-just maybe- you might try looking at the holidays from a different angle. Is it that much of a chore to visit relatives; even the crazy ones? We work our boring jobs, play our unending video games, and listen to our jam-packed iPods for days on end. However if we spend two days out of 365 eating Aunt Mary’s Death by Chocolate, for some reason our world may come to an end. If you’re lucky, real lucky, you’ll get 80 Christmas seasons on this Earth. If you’re reading this now, you’re probably down to less than 50. Next year, try sitting back and taking it all in, and truly see the season for what it is.

God. The Devil. The Bet. The Fate of Mankind in the Balance. Check out Chris Gay’s new theological, paranormal crime thriller, Ghost of a Chance.

What if a late 20th Century Jack the Ripper tearing apart a small Connecticut town was the result of a pancake shop bet between God and the devil? Imagine if Satan’s impact on the world in the new millennium hinged entirely on one police officer’s skill in hunting down a ruthless killer…hiding in plain sight. Detective Danny Seabrook is an unwitting pawn in a divine chess match with immeasurable consequences for all mankind. Set primarily in 1995, this action-packed suspense thriller features clever dialogue, humor and romance-with an ending you will never forget.

*     *     *     *

‘Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal’ by Chris Gay

As the end draws near for long-retired Sherlock Holmes in Sussex Downs, he calls one last time for the company of his best friend and colleague, Dr. John Watson. What was meant to be four last days of camaraderie and reminiscing instead leads to the most shocking, explosive revelation both of the great detective’s career, and his life.

Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal is a Holmes tale like none other ever conceived. Fans of Baker Street’s legendary detective will be left with the insatiable need to contemplate its extraordinary conclusion forevermore.

*     *     *     *

‘The Bachelor Cookbook: Edible Meals with a Side of Sarcasm’ by Chris Gay

The Bachelor Cookbook is the perfect (and likely only) addition to any guy’s collection of sarcastic culinary literature. If you’re between relationships and looking to make the most of whatever foodstuffs you’ve got until you meet that next special woman, then your prayers have been answered. Unless you’re an atheist; in which case coming across this book just means your luck was in today. For men looking for sustenance over style, I give you this spectacular cookbook. Well, I don’t “give it” to you, per se. You have to pay for it.

Featuring such taste-bud tempting recipes as:

Popcorn Salad

Meat on a Bed of Rice

Cheese and Crackers

Spaghetti Sandwich

Plus Miscellaneous Cookbook Humor, too!

*     *     *     *

Chris Gay is an author, freelance writer, voice-over artist, broadcaster and actor. He writes and broadcasts a daily, minute radio humor spot in Hartford, Connecticut. He’s also written the paranormal, theological thriller novel Ghost of a Chance, the novella Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal, (an original, extraordinary short story on the great detective) and three humor books: And That’s the Way It Was…Give or Take: A Daily Dose of My Radio Writings, Shouldn’t Ice Cold Beer Be Frozen? My 365 Random Thoughts to Improve Your Life Not One Iota, and The Bachelor Cookbook: Edible Meals with a Side of Sarcasm. He’s been published nationally in Writer’s Digest and is currently writing his fourth & fifth humor books, Another Round of Ice Cold Beer: My 365 More Random Thoughts to Improve Your Life Not One Iota,  Something Witty this Way Comes .

Also, he’s writing the Ghost of a Chance sequel Perdition’s Wrath, and has written and voiced radio commercials, authored both comedic and non-comedic freelance articles, scripts, press releases, website, media and technical content, done occasional radio color commentary for local sports, and acted in a couple of movies and plays. His website is chrisjgay.com, and his humor blog can be found at chrisgay.wordpress.com.

 

Facebook

Twitter: @chrisgay13

Chrisjgay.com

Movies:

2012: Hope Springs (Barfly)

2009: Testimonies of a Quiet New England Town (Constable John Gilbert)