Halloween Fun: My Obituary

By Chris Gay

October 31, 2137

 

Hartford County: Gay, Christopher J

 

Chris Gay, the local bestselling author and hugely popular radio/television personality who was well known for maintaining ruggedly-handsome good looks throughout his lifetime, passed away this morning at 165.

 

He leaves behind his impossibly-buxom 31 year-old wife, who said of her husband’s passing, “It’s obvious God needed a talented right-wing for His hockey team and He just couldn’t wait any longer.”

 

Christopher James Gay was born in Hartford, CT on July 21 to Susan and James Gay and, until Hollywood super-stardom came calling, had lived in Greater Hartford for most of his life.

 

For over two and a half decades, the 2002 Connecticut School of Broadcasting graduate worked soul-sucking jobs in retail and cubicle hell, where his disgust with political correctness, distaste for BS, and penchant for honesty kept him from advancement despite his titanic intellect.

 

He taught himself how to read by age four and, despite never having attended college, went on to become the literary voice of several generations. His talent for effortlessly shifting between comedy, sarcasm, and serious writing allowed him to provide a variety of literature to suit everyone’s tastes, and is what elevated him to his monumental status. It’s widely believed that he single-handedly reintroduced reading as a popular form of entertainment back into world’s consciousness.

 

His peerless voice and lightning-quick wit assured that he wouldn’t spend his lifetime entirely behind the keyboard. In 2014 his serious books Ghost of a Chance and Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal were optioned by Tinseltown, and subsequently made into blockbuster movies; ultimately winning Gay a pair of Best Screenplay Oscars for adapting his own books into scripts.

 

Having already appeared as a drunken lobsterman in the Meryl Streep/Tommy Lee Jones vehicle Hope Springs (2012) and a nearly illiterate 18^th Century constable in Testimonies of a Quiet New England Town, (2009) Gay was the obvious choice to star as the hero in both of his own films, as well. Indeed, Ghost of a Chance still holds the #2 all-time box office sales record, second only to its own sequel, Perdition’s Wrath; (2015) the movie version of which Gay also wrote and starred in.

 

With his popularity soaring, Gay later simultaneously became America’s #1 radio and television talk show host. But he never forgot his roots, writing thirty-nine more novels and humor books for his adoring fans; as well as doing all he could to bring attention to his beloved Greater Hartford.

 

As the saying goes, women wanted him, and men wanted to be him.

 

In 2016, after having gone from a lifetime of rags to multi-billionaire status, he bought an NHL expansion team for Hartford, CT, named it the Whalers, and became the team’s first GM and head coach. In 2017, he became the first man to ever coach a first-year expansion team to the Stanley Cup Championship and, in fact, scored the Cup-winning goal himself after deciding on a whim to suit up and take an overtime shift in Game 7.

 

His media dominance continued for decades and, having little desire for big city life, the born-and-bred New Englander instead spent most of his non-working time shuttling between his oceanside mansion in Maine, lakeside mansion in New Hampshire, and garden variety mansion in central Connecticut.

 

On his 100^th birthday, his home state honored him with a 21-foot solid gold statue on the grounds of the Old State House in Hartford, and also renamed a section of Manchester, CT “Christopherville.” In appreciation of the gestures, Gay arrived at the Old State House that day by water-skiing up the Connecticut River and performing an amazing jump onto its banks; where he then tossed $1,000,000 of his own money at intervals into the gathered crowd.

 

A lock of his incredibly thick hair-which never turned gray-and a picture of his sparkling blue eyes, will be placed on permanent display at the Smithsonian Institute so that future generations of women can see what they missed out on.

 

In 2086, Gay’s off-the-cuff suggestion to the Department of Agriculture resulted in an end to World Hunger.

To celebrate, he cut a song with the descendants of Stevie Wonder, Cyndi Lauper, Bruce Springsteen, and Dionne Warwick, which went double-platinum in its first week of release.

He donated his share of the profits to his fund for building heaters under I-84, so that Connecticut highway drivers could commute without fear of ice. Well, I mean going east and west, at least. He selflessly left I-91 as is, so that some other philanthropist would have the chance to get recognition for do-gooding.

 

Gay generously granted Medical Science’s request to be cryogenically frozen, in their hopes that they will someday be able to give him back to the world.

 

Reportedly, his last words were “I never did learn to iron properly; and I couldn’t care less. And incidentally, it’s “couldn’t.” When you say you “could care less,” it means that there is something you care less about, which is not what you’re trying to say. How could that not be obvious to everyone by now? And don’t get me started on ‘loser’ vs. ‘looser’ or ‘your’ vs. ‘you’re.’ It’s basic grammar, people; learn it!” After which, he expired peacefully.

In lieu of flowers, Chris Gay specifically left instructions asking mourners to buy dinner for random homeless people. That’s just the kind of guy he was.

God. The Devil. The Bet. The Fate of Mankind in the Balance. Check out Chris Gay’s new theological, paranormal crime thriller, Ghost of a Chance.

 

 

What if a late 20th Century Jack the Ripper tearing apart a small Connecticut town was the result of a pancake shop bet between God and the devil? Imagine if Satan’s impact on the world in the new millennium hinged entirely on one police officer’s skill in hunting down a ruthless killer…hiding in plain sight. Detective Danny Seabrook is an unwitting pawn in a divine chess match with immeasurable consequences for all mankind. Set primarily in 1995, this action-packed suspense thriller features clever dialogue, humor and romance-with an ending you will never forget.

 

*     *     *     *

 

‘Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal’ by Chris Gay

 

 

As the end draws near for long-retired Sherlock Holmes in Sussex Downs, he calls one last time for the company of his best friend and colleague, Dr. John Watson. What was meant to be four last days of camaraderie and reminiscing instead leads to the most shocking, explosive revelation both of the great detective’s career, and his life.

 

Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal is a Holmes tale like none other ever conceived. Fans of Baker Street’s legendary detective will be left with the insatiable need to contemplate its extraordinary conclusion forevermore.

 

*     *     *     *

 

‘The Bachelor Cookbook: Edible Meals with a Side of Sarcasm’ by Chris Gay

 

 

The Bachelor Cookbook is the perfect (and likely only) addition to any guy’s collection of sarcastic culinary literature. If you’re between relationships and looking to make the most of whatever foodstuffs you’ve got until you meet that next special woman, then your prayers have been answered. Unless you’re an atheist; in which case coming across this book just means your luck was in today. For men looking for sustenance over style, I give you this spectacular cookbook. Well, I don’t “give it” to you, per se. You have to pay for it.

 

Featuring such taste-bud tempting recipes as:

 

Popcorn Salad

 

Meat on a Bed of Rice

 

Cheese and Crackers

 

Spaghetti Sandwich

 

Plus Miscellaneous Cookbook Humor, too!

 

*     *     *     *

 

Chris Gay is an author, freelance writer, voice-over artist, broadcaster and actor. He writes and broadcasts a daily, minute radio humor spot in Hartford, Connecticut. He’s also written the paranormal, theological thriller novel Ghost of a Chance and three humor books: And That’s the Way It Was…Give or Take: A Daily Dose of My Radio Writings, Shouldn’t Ice Cold Beer Be Frozen? My 365 Random Thoughts to Improve Your Life Not One Iota, and The Bachelor Cookbook: Edible Meals with a Side of Sarcasm. He’s been published nationally in Writer’s Digest and is currently writing his fourth and fifth humor books, Another Round of Ice Cold Beer: My 365 More Random Thoughts to Improve Your Life Not One Iota  and  Something Witty this Way Comes; the latter being a collection of pieces written for his humor blog. His book Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal, is an original, extraordinary short story on the great detective. Also, he’s writing the Ghost of a Chance sequel Perdition’s Wrath, and has written and voiced radio commercials, authored both comedic and non-comedic freelance articles, scripts, press releases, website, media and technical content, done occasional radio color commentary for local sports, and acted in a couple of movies and plays. His website is chrisjgay.com, and his humor blog can be found at chrisgay.wordpress.com.

 

 

 

http://www.chrisjgay.com

 

Author Page on Facebook

 

Chris Gay Author/Writer/ Humorist on Facebook

 

Ghost of a Chance on Facebook

 

Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal on Facebook

 

https://chrisgay.wordpress.com

 

Twitter: @chrisgay13

 

Movies:

 

2012:

 

Hope Springs (Barfly)

 

2009:

 

Testimonies of a Quiet New England Town (Constable John Gilbert)

 

Advertisement

Anatomy of a Book Signing (Sarcastic Version)

By Chris Gay

I’m guessing that many-if not all-of you have spent long, strenuous hours at one time or another pondering exactly what goes into a book signing.  Or at least I’ll take you at my word you do. At any rate, the first thing to know is that there’s a difference between someone like Stephen King setting up a book signing and, say, Chris Gay setting up a book signing. There’s also generally a difference in both attendance and compensation. But I digress. Let’s start at the beginning, shall we? We shall.

The Great American Novel

It’s often said that everyone has a great novel inside him or her just waiting to come out. Actually, that’s not altogether true. What most people have is a delusion that they are a great writer and have, instead, a third rate pile of senseless rubbish waiting to come out. The problem is that the general public can’t tell the difference until they buy the book, and there’s only so much disposable income to go around.

Delusional ‘Writers’

All people born after 1950 have generally been coddled from, approximately, their very moment of conception. Trophies just for participating, grading on curves, always being told “you’re special.” The obvious question left unanswered is that if everyone is ‘special,’ then who are all of these dull, talentless idiots you see around everywhere?

One unfortunate after-affect of this is that most people grow up thinking that they’re great when, in reality, they’re much more likely to be boring dolts, ignorant of history, science, politics and, especially, grammar. Wait-what did you just say to me? Whatever. I’m just the messenger.

Anyway, sooner or later some of these people will get to thinking they can write, and then do so. However adding words to paper doesn’t make you any more of a writer than successfully dyeing an Easter egg makes you Picasso. Then this claptrap is put out there where it ends up clogging up the literature pipeline like some kind of papery cholesterol. A lot of good writing gets lost within the sea of the inferior. That’s a lose-lose.

My advice, as once espoused by Clint Eastwood, is to know your limitations, and get the hell out of our way. Why not be a CEO of something instead? There’s good money there.

Moving Along

Okay, let’s say you’ve spent your two-to-thirty years writing and editing your novel and now it’s published, either traditionally or independently. Either way, congratulations; you’ve now been promoted to Head of Marketing for your own project. The hours suck and the pay is non-existent. However, your opportunity to run up significant debt is enormous. So there’s that.

All you need to do now is contact every place, everywhere, and ask them if they’d like to host you for a book signing at their venue. If, like 99.8% of writers,* they’ve never heard of you, that task is about as easy as slicing through a hot knife with cold butter.

With traditional book store chains, unless you know someone, or know someone who knows someone, or are sleeping with someone who knows someone, prepare to go through what has been known since the advent of this paragraph as the ‘Corporate run-around.’ Keep trying though, as there is a chance you can land a chain store signing without a name; same as there’s a chance to win yesterday’s Powerball with tomorrow’s ticket. (I didn’t say it was a good chance)

So, now what? You call everywhere. Hair salons, retail stores, financial institutions, health clubs, craft fairs, movie theaters, etc, etc. If you’re local, you stand a better chance. Also, mention that the promotion you’ll certainly do for it will bring the venue free advertising. A win-win.

Also, schedule radio and TV interviews. As an aside, if you happen to be great-looking, you’ll be much more likely to land these regardless of whatever drivel you typed onto Word, printed out, and glued between cardboard.

I’ve also heard that, if you happen to be an incredibly quick wit, that too may help you with getting interviews, as well as your ability to draw interest to your books through consistently humorous Facebook statuses.

Remember, you’ll need your own posters, placards, business cards, stands and cleverly designed bookmarks to leave out with your information on them. The latter, of course, is because everyone will take something made available for free regardless of its relevancy to their lives. Just ask anyone who passes out samples at a food membership club; those people who constantly hear things like,”I hate those pretzels. Oh, all right, I’ll try one.”

Be Prepared for Anything

Know that even if you have a great book for sale at a reasonable price, there’s always the chance you’ll make a huge effort for a signing, and then not sell a single tome. Don’t be discouraged. You’ve gotten the chance to get yourself and your name out there, and every little bit helps.

Also, console yourself with the fact that most people these days seem to be illiterate, anyway. Don’t believe me? Juste cheq the tipicahl sphelling on you’re soshul  mediuh websights.

Keys Points to Remember

As a favor to you I’ll recap the three most important points of this piece so you’ll always have easy access. Here are the best ways to sell your books, get interviews, and/or become rich:

1)      Be Incredibly Hot

2)      Be Incredibly funny

3)      Be Already Rich

In Conclusion

Be aware that if you’re trying to become a writer simply because you have the ability, and believe that writing is all you’ll have to do, think again. By the time you’re ready to start on your second book, you’ll notice that the easiest part of the prior one was just writing the damned thing. Go ahead, laugh. We’ll see what time tells. But in the meantime, as the French say: good luck. Only they say it “bon chance.”

*This percentage is a total guess, but it sounds about right. Maybe even on the low side.

God. The Devil. The Bet. The Fate of Mankind in the Balance. Check out Chris Gay’s new theological, paranormal crime thriller, Ghost of a Chance.

What if a late 20th Century Jack the Ripper tearing apart a small Connecticut town was the result of a pancake shop bet between God and the devil? Imagine if Satan’s impact on the world in the new millennium hinged entirely on one police officer’s skill in hunting down a ruthless killer…hiding in plain sight. Detective Danny Seabrook is an unwitting pawn in a divine chess match with immeasurable consequences for all mankind. Set primarily in 1995, this action-packed suspense thriller features clever dialogue, humor and romance-with an ending you will never forget.

*     *     *     *

‘Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal’ by Chris Gay

As the end draws near for long-retired Sherlock Holmes in Sussex Downs, he calls one last time for the company of his best friend and colleague, Dr. John Watson. What was meant to be four last days of camaraderie and reminiscing instead leads to the most shocking, explosive revelation both of the great detective’s career, and his life.

Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal is a Holmes tale like none other ever conceived. Fans of Baker Street’s legendary detective will be left with the insatiable need to contemplate its extraordinary conclusion forevermore.

*     *     *     *

Chris Gay is an author, freelance writer, voice-over artist, broadcaster and actor. He writes and broadcasts a daily, minute radio humor spot in Hartford, Connecticut. He’s also written the paranormal, theological thriller novel Ghost of a Chance and three humor books: And That’s the Way It Was…Give or Take: A Daily Dose of My Radio Writings, Shouldn’t Ice Cold Beer Be Frozen? My 365 Random Thoughts to Improve Your Life Not One Iota, and The Bachelor Cookbook: Edible Meals with a Side of Sarcasm. He’s been published nationally in Writer’s Digest and is currently writing his fourth and fifth humor books, Another Round of Ice Cold Beer: My 365 More Random Thoughts to Improve Your Life Not One Iota and Something Witty this Way Comes; the latter being a collection of pieces written for his humor blog. Look soon for his book Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal, an original, extraordinary short story on the great detective. Also, he’s writing the Ghost of a Chance sequel Perdition’s Wrath, and has written and voiced radio commercials, authored both comedic and non-comedic freelance articles, scripts, press releases, website, media and technical content, done occasional radio color commentary for local sports, and acted in a couple of movies and plays. His website is chrisjgay.com, and his humor blog can be found at chrisgay.wordpress.com.

http://www.chrisjgay.com

Author Page on Facebook

Chris Gay Author/Writer/ Humorist on Facebook

Ghost of a Chance on Facebook

Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal on Facebook

https://chrisgay.wordpress.com

Movies:

2012:

Hope Springs (Barfly)

2009:

Testimonies of a Quiet New England Town (Constable John Gilbert)

Exit 2016, Enter 2017

By Chris Gay

As we bid adieu to another year, it falls to us writers/ humorists to throw something out there to elicit a laugh. After all, we don’t make anything useful, such as digital toaster ovens, so we might as well toss some words together for your amusement.

At any rate, here we are.  Once again, the earth has completed its annual 365 day journey around the sun. The unspoken truth is however, that it does this every day. For instance on December 4th, it had been  a year since the prior December 4th. But no one cares about that. (Except, of course, those who were born on December 4th. But it’s not very likely that that’s you.)

So now we all look back and take inventory of what went wrong, what went right, and how we might change things for the better. Also, we buy gym memberships that will be used less than an avocado juicer purchased while watching a 3 a.m. infomercial.

Resolutions

This is the time of year in which we make numerous promises to ourselves that have zero chance of being fulfilled. That’s okay, though. No one fulfills them. If it makes you feel better we all go through the motions. However if it helps, just set the bar very low. For instance, I’ve never smoked in my life. So I resolve not to smoke. Simple. But since I love junk food, I tend to avoid making those kind of unreasonable resolutions.

I also resolve not to listen to rap music or heavy metal, cliff dive off the Rock of Gibraltar, snorkel down to the Titanic’s wreck, or drive 580 miles per hour on the Bonneville Salt Flats. See? It’s easy-that’s if you know how to play the game.

Chinese Take-Out Food

On those New Year‘s Eves in which you find yourself either divorced or too lazy and/or uninspired to go out, Chinese take-out food is essential. Nothing goes better with a DVD, followed by whatever hack hairdo is hosting ‘Dick Clark‘s Rockin’ New Year’s Eve’, than a sea of sweet and sour chicken. Plus, while you’re waiting for your order, you can usually help yourself to a generously provided, free Styrofoam cup of tea, which completely wipes out any calories you’re about to consume. *

Live TV Specials

If you do stay home this New Year’s Eve, there’s likely to be a slew of year-end specials featuring untalented singers that, if you’re in your 30’s or 40’s,  you’ve never heard of. Or if you have, you could not care less about. (Though a few of the divas may be hot enough to justify some cursory viewing.)

Your best bet is to either throw in a DVD or watch whatever’s still taking up space on your DVR. Then around 11:50 p.m., switch over to watch the countdown. Though many stations will show it, who is kidding who? You’re going to go back to the network you grew up watching this Times Square spectacle occur on, ABC, with or without Dick Clark. (RIP) If you don’t remember doing that, you’re probably not reading this blog, anyway.

Times Square

At some point during the evening, you’re likely to reminisce on long ago promises made to yourself to attend in person the ball dropping on New Year’s Eve. Don’t screw with yourself. If you were born during Reagan’s first term or earlier, it’s just not happening. Who needs all of that hassle, anyway? Especially if you live in, like, Iowa.

Champagne

Some of you may wish to celebrate the Earth’s most recent revolution with a bit ‘o the bubbly. If so, more power to you. I’m a vodka man myself. If you’re home, or out with a group that includes a designated driver, whatever floats your boat. In point of fact it’s water that floats my boat; but there’s much less fun in consuming H2O.

New Year’s Day

When you awaken late morning (or more likely early afternoon) the new tradition is to watch the National Hockey League’s signature game, the outdoor Winter Classic. Or you can catch one of the TBS showings of 24 Hours of a Christmas Story. No, wait. Scratch that. I got my holidays mixed up. Give me a break; as I edit this it’s after 4 a.m. And also, May.

Biblical Implications

Technically, I’m an Agnostic Catholic. But I did attend Catholic school, and (blatant plug alert) wrote a theological, paranormal thriller novel. (Please see the even more blatant reference in my Author Biography.) So I’m fully authorized to delve into this topic with sarcasm.

You may not realize it, but our system of measuring contemporary time begins with the birth of Jesus Christ. It goes: B.C. = Before Christ, A.D. = Anno Domino, A.C. = Air Conditioning.

Having never taken Latin, I can only assume that the middle one translates to After Domino’s, & references how my early Christian brethren and sister-en ordered their more recent pizzas.

Anyway, what we’re actually celebrating each January is the number of years that have passed since Jesus’s birth. The only issue there is that He was almost certainly born in the spring. But that’s okay. Like all good writing, it got cleaned up during the editing process.

Plus it’s more convenient this way. Since Earth is over 4 billion years old, if we counted from the actual beginning of time imagine how long it’d take to write out personal checks. Not to mention the looks you’d get in the express line at the supermarket. I guess it will become an issue for those people living here in 8 Billion A.D., but who cares? That’ll be their problem.

In Conclusion

Just go with it. Enjoy the day, be responsible, and be safe. And if you sleep through it all, that’s okay. Super Bowl Sunday is only five weeks away.

* I’m not even close to a doctor, so there is a slight chance that my statement is wholly and completely inaccurate

God. The Devil. The Bet. The Fate of Mankind in the Balance. Check out Chris Gay’s new theological, paranormal crime thriller, Ghost of a Chance.

What if a late 20th Century Jack the Ripper tearing apart a small Connecticut town was the result of a pancake shop bet between God and the devil? Imagine if Satan’s impact on the world in the new millennium hinged entirely on one police officer’s skill in hunting down a ruthless killer…hiding in plain sight. Detective Danny Seabrook is an unwitting pawn in a divine chess match with immeasurable consequences for all mankind. Set primarily in 1995, this action-packed suspense thriller features clever dialogue, humor and romance-with an ending you will never forget.

*     *     *     *

‘Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal’ by Chris Gay

As the end draws near for long-retired Sherlock Holmes in Sussex Downs, he calls one last time for the company of his best friend and colleague, Dr. John Watson. What was meant to be four last days of camaraderie and reminiscing instead leads to the most shocking, explosive revelation both of the great detective’s career, and his life.

Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal is a Holmes tale like none other ever conceived. Fans of Baker Street’s legendary detective will be left with the insatiable need to contemplate its extraordinary conclusion forevermore.

*     *     *     *

Chris Gay is an author, freelance writer, voice-over artist, broadcaster and actor. For 7 years he wrote and broadcast a daily, minute radio humor spot in Hartford, Connecticut. He’s been published nationally in Writer’s Digest and has written the paranormal, theological thriller novel Ghost of a Chance, Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal, (an original, extraordinary short story on the great detective with a spectacular twist) and four humor books: And That’s the Way It Was…Give or Take: A Daily Dose of My Radio Writings, Shouldn’t Ice Cold Beer Be Frozen? My 365 Random Thoughts to Improve Your Life Not One Iota, and The Bachelor Cookbook: Edible Meals with a Side of Sarcasm & Another Round of Ice Cold Beer: My 365 More Random Thoughts to Improve Your Life Not One Iota. He’s written and voiced radio commercials, authored both comedic and non-comedic freelance articles, scripts, press releases, website, media and technical content, done occasional radio color commentary for local sports, and acted in a couple of movies and plays. His website is chrisjgay.com, and his humor blog can be found at chrisgay.wordpress.com.

http://www.chrisjgay.com

Author Page on Facebook

Chris Gay Author/Writer/ Humorist on Facebook

Ghost of a Chance on Facebook

Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal on Facebook

https://chrisgay.wordpress.com

Movies:

2012:

Hope Springs (Barfly)

2009:

Testimonies of a Quiet New England Town (Constable John Gilbert)

Leap Year

By Chris Gay             

Leap Year                    

I’m not exactly certain about the origins of Leap Year, though my guess is that at some point or another, some King, Cardinal or Pope decided to muddle around with the calendar for some long forgotten, (or lazily un-researched) purpose.

The Reasoning

Apparently a year’s actual duration is 365 days and 6 hours. So the end result is, with three exceptions every 400 years,* February gets an extra day every election cycle. How happy February must be.

According to the Book of Google, it was Caesar Augustus who poached a few days from the second month. He did so in order to add them to his namesake August; evidently so as not to feel inferior to his predecessor Julius Caesar, whose own month, July, contains 31 days. And things have remained the same ever since; probably because no Caesar Februarius ever came along.

It has been speculated too that Caesar Augustus did it because the following song, as originally sung: “30 days hath November; April, June and September. Oh yeah, and February,” simply sounded too clunky. Of course, that speculation was primarily done by me in an effort to extend this blog post by an extra paragraph. Whatever. You read it, didn’t you?

Customs

It is said that on Leap Day, it’s acceptable for a woman to propose marriage to her man. Actually, that is a pretty good idea. In fact if I ever get remarried and I’m the one proposed to, I hope whoever she is uses a reproduction of the New York Giants Super Bowl XLII Championship ring.

Meteorological Impact

Although rarely discussed, Leap Year also mathematically influences weather prognostications when it puts in its quadrennial appearance. How? Because any shadow-seeing groundhogs inadvertently condemn us to six more weeks-and a day-of winter.

Leap Year’s Most Noteworthy Event

Though opinions may vary, it’s practically inarguable that the greatest Leap Year moment in all of recorded history came in 1980, when Gordie Howe, the legendary Mr. Hockey, scored his 800^th career goal for my beloved Hartford Whalers. In fact, you know what? That is inarguable.

Benefits of Leap Year

Perhaps the greatest benefit Leap Year offers is that it provides yet another relatively obscure topic for comedy writers to blog on when they can’t think of anything better to write about.

* This fact may have been slightly researched, as I suck at math.

God. The Devil. The Bet. The Fate of Mankind in the Balance. Check out Chris Gay’s new theological, paranormal crime thriller, Ghost of a Chance.

What if a late 20th Century Jack the Ripper tearing apart a small Connecticut town was the result of a pancake shop bet between God and the devil? Imagine if Satan’s impact on the world in the new millennium hinged entirely on one police officer’s skill in hunting down a ruthless killer…hiding in plain sight. Detective Danny Seabrook is an unwitting pawn in a divine chess match with immeasurable consequences for all mankind. Set primarily in 1995, this action-packed suspense thriller features clever dialogue, humor and romance-with an ending you will never forget.

*     *     *     *

‘Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal’ by Chris Gay

 

 

 

 

 

As the end draws near for long-retired Sherlock Holmes in Sussex Downs, he calls one last time for the company of his best friend and colleague, Dr. John Watson. What was meant to be four last days of camaraderie and reminiscing instead leads to the most shocking, explosive revelation both of the great detective’s career, and his life.

Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal is a Holmes tale like none other ever conceived. Fans of Baker Street’s legendary detective will be left with the insatiable need to contemplate its extraordinary conclusion forevermore.

*     *     *     *

Chris Gay is an author, freelance writer, voice-over artist, broadcaster and actor. For 7 years he wrote and broadcast a daily, minute radio humor spot in Hartford, Connecticut. He’s been published nationally in Writer’s Digest and has written the paranormal, theological thriller novel Ghost of a Chance, Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal, (an original, extraordinary short story on the great detective with a spectacular twist) and four humor books: And That’s the Way It Was…Give or Take: A Daily Dose of My Radio Writings, Shouldn’t Ice Cold Beer Be Frozen? My 365 Random Thoughts to Improve Your Life Not One Iota, and The Bachelor Cookbook: Edible Meals with a Side of Sarcasm & Another Round of Ice Cold Beer: My 365 More Random Thoughts to Improve Your Life Not One Iota. He’s written and voiced radio commercials, authored both comedic and non-comedic freelance articles, scripts, press releases, website, media and technical content, done occasional radio color commentary for local sports, and acted in a couple of movies and plays. His website is chrisjgay.com, and his humor blog can be found at chrisgay.wordpress.com.

http://www.chrisjgay.com

Author Page (on Facebook)

Chris Gay Author/Writer/ Humorist (on Facebook)

Ghost of a Chance (on Facebook)

Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal (on Facebook)

The Bachelor Cookbook: Edible Meals with a Side of Sarcasm (on Facebook)

And That’s the Way it Was…Give or Take: A Daily Dose of My Radio Writings (on Facebook)

Shouldn’t Ice Cold Beer Be Frozen? My 365 Random Thoughts to Improve Your Life Not One Iota (on Facebook)

Another Round of Ice Cold Beer: My 365 More Random Thoughts to Improve Your Life Not One Iota (on Facebook)

https://chrisgay.wordpress.com

Movies:

2012:

Hope Springs (Barfly)

2009:

Testimonies of a Quiet New England Town (Constable John Gilbert)

 

A Connecticut Yankee Fan in Red Sox-leaning Hartford

By Chris Gay

I am a New Englander, born and bred. I love pumpkins, hayrides, and the concept of clambakes. (What can I tell you; I hate seafood. Except for those little Pepperidge Farm Goldfish) I also love flea markets, sledding, autumn leaves, long walks on longer beaches and…the New York Yankees. How is that, you ask? It’s a short story. But first, a little filler; er, perspective.

Connecticut’s  Identity Crisis

I’m from Hartford, Connecticut, where generations of people have grown up rooting for either of these teams not only in the same neighborhood, but often in the same household. As if Hartford doesn’t have enough of an identity crisis. (I’ll get to that topic another time) For those of you more well-versed in the Jersey Shore than in geography; unless, of course, the geographical question is actually about the New Jersey shore, we’re centrally located between New York and Boston. In fact, depending on whom you ask, “Hartford” translates either to “Southern Massachusetts” or “Upper Manhattan County.” Just kidding. In truth, Hartford translated loosely means “Deer Crossing,” but that wouldn’t have been quite as funny. (Incidentally New England trivia buffs, “Boston’s Lap Dog” can be interpreted as “Providence, Rhode Island”)

I’ve played softball next to nine other men alternatively wearing Red Sox and Yankees jerseys; where else on Earth would you see that? What baseball has regressed into here in the Constitution State is a never-ending war of words between native Nutmeggers; both fighting for the honor of two wholly separate states that, apart from the contents of our wallets, couldn’t possibly care less about us. Be that as it may, the barbs are unending. Arguments between friends, family. co-workers, teammates, gym attendees and wait staff are common, everyday occurrences here.

In the Beginning…

Here’s the chronology of becoming a baseball fan in Connecticut. You’re 1) Born 2) You choose (or in many cases, be assigned to) the Yankees or Red Sox while still in the maternity ward. From that day on, the only thing that separates you from the native fans of either team in their respective states, is that you don’t have some form of unintelligible accent.

If you’re a guy, generally your preference for one team over the other is based on either emulating or rebelling against your father. If you’re a woman, I couldn’t tell you. I chose the Yankees in my formative years, and if you think I’m a bandwagon jumper it’s worth noting that over my lifetime I’ve also rooted hard; and in some cases much harder, for the Hartford Whalers, Buffalo Bills, Buffalo Sabres, Montreal Expos, Seattle Super Sonics and Kansas City Royals. But I digress. As I grew up, became my own man and began forming my own opinions on everything from sports to politics, I realized I had made the right choice, regardless of parentage.

Like both Democrats and Republicans, fans of the Red Sox and Yankees are to some extent hypocrites. The Red Sox ladle out contracts by the multi-millions while their fans still accuse the Yankees of buying titles. (One can only imagine a Pittsburgh Pirate fan’s reaction after listening to Boston-ians whine about payroll) Citing loyalty, they simultaneously call Johnny Damon a carpetbagger and worse for taking 12 million more dollars to play the same game 4 hours south, while remaining curiously silent as their own management signs Bronson Arroyo to a hometown discount, just before promptly trading him to Cincinnati. They erupt intermittently with chants of “Yankees suck!” even when the Red Sox are below them in the standings. (Which makes sense, one would imagine, if you’ve consumed enough liquefied barley and hops) Prior to 2004, listening to arrogant Red Sox fans you’d never know which team had gone 86 years without winning the World Series. In fact, among my friends who dislike both teams, they prefer the Yankees to win just to keep Sox fans quiet for awhile, as if that were possible.

As for Yankees fans, we are…well, on second thought, a perfect representation of manners and sportsmanship. (What did you expect? This isn’t Curt Shilling’s blog)

At any rate, I love New England. It’s part of the fabric of who I am and always will be. I’m a history buff who’d much prefer spending the day in Boston than New York. I treasure the foliage of Vermont, the beauty of New Hampshire, and the beaches of southern Maine. But as for becoming a New England pro sports fan, aside from a return of my beloved Hartford Whalers, I’ll pass.

The best thing I can think to say on behalf of Boston fans is this: a bartender in Old Orchard Beach, Maine once served me a cold beverage in a New England Patriots glass, and didn’t throw it at me when she was immediately asked to pour it into a neutral one.

God. The Devil. The Bet. The Fate of Mankind in the Balance. Check out my new theological, paranormal crime thriller, Ghost of a Chance.

What if a late 20th Century Jack the Ripper tearing apart a small Connecticut town was the result of a pancake shop bet between God and the devil? Imagine if Satan’s impact on the world in the new millennium hinged entirely on one police officer’s skill in hunting down a ruthless killer…hiding in plain sight. Detective Danny Seabrook is an unwitting pawn in a divine chess match with immeasurable consequences for all mankind. Set primarily in 1995, this action-packed suspense thriller features clever dialogue, humor and romance-with an ending you will never forget.

Chris Gay is an author, freelance writer, voice-over artist, broadcaster and actor. He writes and broadcasts a daily, sponsored minute radio humor spot in Hartford, Connecticut. He’s written three humor books: Shouldn’t Ice Cold Beer Be Frozen? My 365 Random Thoughts to Improve Your Life Not One Iota, And That’s the Way It Was…Give or Take: A Daily Dose of My Radio Writings, and The Bachelor Cookbook: Recipes with a Side of Sarcasm for the Single Guy. He’s currently writing his fourth humor book, Another Round of Ice Cold Beer: My 365 More Random Thoughts to Improve Your Life Not One Iota, along with the Ghost of a Chance sequel Perdition’s Wrath. He has written and voiced radio commercials, authored both comedic and non-comedic freelance articles, scripts, press releases, website, media and technical content, done occasional radio color commentary for local sports, and acted in a couple of movies and plays. He lives in Connecticut.

http://www.chrisjgay.com

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Movies:

2012:

Hope Springs (Barfly)

2009:

Testimonies of a Quiet New England Town (Constable John Gilbert