By Chris Gay
Here are this week’s questions for The Askin’ of the Chris: A Realistic, Semi-Fictitious Advice Column
I’m a guy who just can’t figure out women. In most cases we seem to speak the same language literally, but not figuratively. In conversations with various girlfriends I’ve been straightforward and enunciate clearly; and when they talk I take their words at face value, under the presumption that what they’re saying is indeed what they mean. However, my words always seem to be misinterpreted into some odd meaning I never intended. While conversely, I’m often chastised for not looking past their actual words to read the signs that supposedly reveal the clues to what they really mean. I’m about ready to join a monastery. Any suggestions?
-Confused in Columbus
My guess is that you’re under 25, and as such not quite as experienced in navigating through such feminine verbal gymnastics as you will later become. There is some good news, however. As time goes by, you’ll realize that it doesn’t get any easier to figure out, anyway. Eventually though you’ll take great comfort in the understanding that most men of all ages never will, either. So there’s that. At any rate, the next time a woman asks you to ignore what she’s saying outwardly and instead read her “signs,” mention politely that you’re fluent in English, and not trying to date a 3rd base coach. While this sentiment most likely won’t be warmly received, you do have to admit that it’s a fairly decent comeback.
Alternate Politically Correct Response-
Learn to better explore your inner feelings so that you may better understand hers. Only then will you be able to correctly interpret the signs she so lovingly longs for you to translate. This will permit you both to continue along on your mutual path of respect, as well as allow for the construction of the strong foundation on which the building of a healthy relationship is required.
I have dated a long string of jerks and I just don’t know how to break the cycle. The pattern seems to be that I fall for a guy who’s smoking hot. However once in the relationship, he begins to treat me with immense disrespect. For example, against my requests and better judgment he’ll engage in a diversity of undesirable activities, as well as use various types of derogatory nouns in place of my given name. Also, it soon becomes apparent that his most significant skill is a seemingly ethereal proficiency with Halo 2 on Xbox. Why can’t I change any of these guys into the good men I’d hope they would be?
Do you know why, after 4,500 years, Stonehenge still remains a collection of stones? Because that’s what they are. If you stand by those rocks and treat them well in hopes of seeing one change into a BMW at some point, you’ll likely be very disappointed. On average, the women who relate stories similar to yours indicate that they generally spend two years, give or take, in relationships like these before finally giving up on them. If you’re 40, that’s 5% of your life- per jerk. You’re probably younger than forty, too; which makes it an even higher percentage. Anyway, here’s a little secret- guys are very simple to figure out, and once set in their own ways rarely change. If it helps at all to know, men like those of whom you speak are shallower than an empty pool after a light rain. Instead of dating a jerk and trying to change him into the decent man he’ll never be, why not try dating a man who’s decent from the start? It saves a lot of time and is much more effective. From what I’ve seen countless times however, that’s a path many women simply don’t wish to choose. And while it’s their prerogative, all it ever results in is for them to be parodied later in some writer’s fictional humor blog ‘Advice column’ piece. Think about it.
Alternate Politically Correct Response-
Like the Monarch butterfly, all men need to fly free in order to truly find out who they are. Only after they know themselves thoroughly can they better work on what others are expecting from them. With certain men, such as those you’ve described, patience is the key. While it likely won’t change who they are into what you’d hope they might become, the silver lining is that there’s an outside chance they may someday win a video game tournament. The downside to that, however, is if the winnings are large enough, they’ll probably leave you for someone else. On the other hand you never know; they may be too lazy to look.
*I am not a psychologist, psychiatrist, or professional doctor of any kind. I’m a writer and a humorist with an honorary degree in Common Sense. These columns are for entertainment purposes only, and some submitted questions may have even been written by me. That oughta cover things.
To submit your questions for consideration of use in this periodic humor column, please place them in the comments section of this blog.
What if a late 20th Century Jack the Ripper tearing apart a small Connecticut town was the result of a pancake shop bet between God and the devil? Imagine if Satan’s impact on the world in the new millennium hinged entirely on one police officer’s skill in hunting down a ruthless killer…hiding in plain sight. Detective Danny Seabrook is an unwitting pawn in a divine chess match with immeasurable consequences for all mankind. Set primarily in 1995, this action-packed suspense thriller features clever dialogue, humor and romance-with an ending you will never forget.
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As the end draws near for long-retired Sherlock Holmes in Sussex Downs, he calls one last time for the company of his best friend and colleague, Dr. John Watson. What was meant to be four last days of camaraderie and reminiscing instead leads to the most shocking, explosive revelation both of the great detective’s career, and his life.
Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal is a Holmes tale like none other ever conceived. Fans of Baker Street’s legendary detective will be left with the insatiable need to contemplate its extraordinary conclusion forevermore.
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Chris Gay is an author, freelance writer, voice-over artist, broadcaster and actor. He writes and broadcasts a daily, minute radio humor spot in Hartford, Connecticut. He’s also written the paranormal, theological thriller novel Ghost of a Chance and three humor books: And That’s the Way It Was…Give or Take: A Daily Dose of My Radio Writings, Shouldn’t Ice Cold Beer Be Frozen? My 365 Random Thoughts to Improve Your Life Not One Iota, and The Bachelor Cookbook: Edible Meals with a Side of Sarcasm. He’s been published nationally in Writer’s Digest and is currently writing his fourth and fifth humor books, Another Round of Ice Cold Beer: My 365 More Random Thoughts to Improve Your Life Not One Iota and Something Witty this Way Comes; the latter being a collection of pieces written for his humor blog. His book Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal, is an original, extraordinary short story on the great detective. Also, he’s writing the Ghost of a Chance sequel Perdition’s Wrath, and has written and voiced radio commercials, authored both comedic and non-comedic freelance articles, scripts, press releases, website, media and technical content, done occasional radio color commentary for local sports, and acted in a couple of movies and plays. His website is chrisjgay.com, and his humor blog can be found at chrisgay.wordpress.com.
Hope Springs (Barfly)