By Chris Gay
Each year we seem to get collectively dumber as a society. Or, if we haven’t, we sure seem to be treated as if we are. As I look around lately I’ve noticed some things that, upon either first glance or reflection, make me feel like somebody out there thinks I’m a simpleton. Here are a few examples:
Peanut Allergy Warnings on Bags of Peanuts
Whenever you open up a bag of peanuts and happen to catch the Contains Nuts warning on the label, whom do you tend to feel sorrier for in that instant; our legal system, or our society as a whole?
‘No Diving’ Signs Above Health Club Hot Tubs
I guess that also explains the lack of any miniature life guard chairs.
The Word Ambulance Spelled Backward on Such Vehicles
I’d like to think that if I suddenly found myself being tailgated by a speeding ambulance, with sirens wailing, I’d be able to recognize it for what it was; regardless of whether or not Ambulance was spelled inversely.
Admit it: At least once, after losing a huge $300 Million dollar jackpot, you’ve thought about going back to the convenience store and asking if they wouldn’t mind exchanging your ticket for one bearing the previous night’s winning numbers, instead.
Wash, Rinse, Repeat Shampoo Instructions
Have you ever noticed the Wash, Rinse, Repeat directions on a bottle of shampoo and wondered if, by comparison to the national average, you just had to be way smarter than you’d originally thought?
Corporate Voice Recording ‘Hang Up’ Instructions
Have you ever paid a bill or checked an account balance via phone then, when finished, heard the computer voice tell you: “If you’re through, press 9 to disconnect. Or just hang up the phone.” Thanks for the info HAL, but this ain’t my first rodeo.
Dollar Store Flyers
I opened the paper to a dollar store flyer and, curious to see if I was missing some point, I opened it up. Sure enough, every product shown had a listed price, in excessive font, of…$1. Thanks, guys. Next time though just send me a single sheet with that week’s available products. I’ll assume the price.
State Law Requires Motorists Yield to Pedestrians in Crosswalk
Tell me, in the absence of such a sign, does anyone really think he or she can mow down a pedestrian with a vehicle and then claim afterward, “Hey, what do you want from me? There was no sign.”
Bleach Bottles with ‘Don’t Use on Colors’ Warnings
If you didn’t already know that, why would you be buying a bottle of bleach in the first place?
CYA Warnings on Products Bought Specifically to Use for what they’re not intended
The King of such products has got to be Q-Tips. What percentage of its consumers do you think heed the Do Not Use in Ear Canal warning on its package?
Of course, this list could go on forever; but there’s a hockey game on in a few minutes and by leaving it open, it gives me a chance to write a sequel column somewhere down the road when I’m stuck for something original. Clever, huh? Clever, eh? The latter is for my Canadian readers.
*Some material above also appears in Shouldn’t Ice Cold Beer be Frozen? My 365 Random Thoughts to Improve Your Life Not One Iota 2nd Edition (Copyright 2011, Christopher J Gay)
What if a late 20th Century Jack the Ripper tearing apart a small Connecticut town was the result of a pancake shop bet between God and the devil? Imagine if Satan’s impact on the world in the new millennium hinged entirely on one police officer’s skill in hunting down a ruthless killer…hiding in plain sight. Detective Danny Seabrook is an unwitting pawn in a divine chess match with immeasurable consequences for all mankind. Set primarily in 1995, this action-packed suspense thriller features clever dialogue, humor and romance-with an ending you will never forget.
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As the end draws near for long-retired Sherlock Holmes in Sussex Downs, he calls one last time for the company of his best friend and colleague, Dr. John Watson. What was meant to be four last days of camaraderie and reminiscing instead leads to the most shocking, explosive revelation both of the great detective’s career, and his life.
Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal is a Holmes tale like none other ever conceived. Fans of Baker Street’s legendary detective will be left with the insatiable need to contemplate its extraordinary conclusion forevermore.
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The Bachelor Cookbook is the perfect (and likely only) addition to any guy’s collection of sarcastic culinary literature. If you’re between relationships and looking to make the most of whatever foodstuffs you’ve got until you meet that next special woman, then your prayers have been answered. Unless you’re an atheist; in which case coming across this book just means your luck was in today. For men looking for sustenance over style, I give you this spectacular cookbook. Well, I don’t “give it” to you, per se. You have to pay for it.
Featuring such taste-bud tempting recipes as:
Meat on a Bed of Rice
Cheese and Crackers
Plus Miscellaneous Cookbook Humor, too!
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Chris Gay is an author, freelance writer, voice-over artist, broadcaster and actor. He writes and broadcasts a daily, minute radio humor spot in Hartford, Connecticut. He’s also written the paranormal, theological thriller novel Ghost of a Chance and three humor books: And That’s the Way It Was…Give or Take: A Daily Dose of My Radio Writings, Shouldn’t Ice Cold Beer Be Frozen? My 365 Random Thoughts to Improve Your Life Not One Iota, and The Bachelor Cookbook: Edible Meals with a Side of Sarcasm. He’s been published nationally in Writer’s Digest and is currently writing his fourth and fifth humor books, Another Round of Ice Cold Beer: My 365 More Random Thoughts to Improve Your Life Not One Iota and Something Witty this Way Comes; the latter being a collection of pieces written for his humor blog. His book Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal, is an original, extraordinary short story on the great detective. Also, he’s writing the Ghost of a Chance sequel Perdition’s Wrath, and has written and voiced radio commercials, authored both comedic and non-comedic freelance articles, scripts, press releases, website, media and technical content, done occasional radio color commentary for local sports, and acted in a couple of movies and plays. His website is chrisjgay.com, and his humor blog can be found at chrisgay.wordpress.com.
Hope Springs (Barfly)