The following two recipes are excerpted from my upcoming 3rd humor book, “The Bachelor Cookbook: Edible Meals with a Side of Sarcasm” (2013) (By Chris Gay: Copyright 2011-2013)
Stir Fry Mac & Cheese
What you’ll need:
1) 1 lb box Rotini
2) 1 lb stir fry beef
3) 16 oz jar Cheesy Ragu Double Cheddar *
4) Grated Parmesan
If I were to open a restaurant, this would almost certainly be its signature dish; which is of course why I’ll likely never open a restaurant.
I will continue to eat in them, however.
Now, the most important thing to remember about Stir Fry Mac and Cheese is this: The appreciation you should be feeling right now that it’s even in here at all.
Though you don’t know it, the manuscript for this book was completed months ago. It was just sitting around waiting for the tsunami of interest in my recent theological, paranormal thriller novel Ghost of a Chance to subside. I’d tell you more about my highly-rated, non-humor book featuring a 1990’s pancake shop breakfast bet between God and Satan, but I think we can both agree that anything more than the blatant, shameless plug I just gave it would be excessive.
Now, where was I? Oh yes. In the time between writing the previous last words in this draft and the ones I’m writing now, in addition to learning how to become a more effective, albeit annoying marketer, I realized I didn’t include this fantastic recipe.
Being the generous guy that I am, I felt obliged to return and include it. Just joking; truth is I just wanted to use the word oblige in this book at least once. There does exist the possibility that I already did, but if so I don’t remember and I’m awfully lazy at research.
Anyway, boil the pasta and sauté the beef. Incidentally, ‘sauté’ is a French word meaning ‘Just kind of stir meat around a frying pan with one of those oddly heat-resistant plastic spatulas until it turns a color that Gordon Ramsay wouldn’t yell at you for.’
When both are done, toss the colander-ized Rotini into one of those large plastic Dollar Store bowls, then pour the cheese sauce over it and mix together. As you’re doing this try not to be distracted by wondering why a one pound jar of name brand cheddar sauce costs under $2, while a much smaller can of plain commercial cheese dip costs twice as much.
Once the pasta’s coated, throw in the beef and mix again. Lastly, for an extra cheesy flavor add some of that all-world champion condiment, grated parmesan.
The best part? You don’t even have to heat the cheese sauce in advance, as the cooked pasta does it for you. I’m telling you, Science thinks of everything.
Now, without further ado, I’d like to thank you for buying my The Bachelor Cookbook and dedicate these last words in it to my gratitude for your doing so. Of course, they won’t seem like its last words because there’s still a decent amount of this book that was previously written left for you to read.
Don’t spend a lot of time thinking about it though; few movie scenes are ever filmed in order, either. Speaking of movies, did you know I played a barfly extra in Hope Springs? Or had a speaking part in Testimonies of a Quiet New England Town? You may be thinking that’s just another cheap attempt at a shameless plug for my versatility. But I read it in my author biography, so it must be true.
1) Fork. That way you can cherry pick the Rotini and beef in just the right ratio to suit your individual taste.
* For those of you who wondered why I listed the first two ingredients as ‘1 lb’ while the 3rd one as ‘16oz’ when it’s the same weight, well, who knows? It just seems right that liquefied foodstuffs in jars should be listed in ounces. Much like baseball managers, humorists go with our guts. Anyway, I’m a writer not a chef. Let it go.
Faux Big Mac
What you’ll need:
1) A hamburger bun or English muffin
2) A hunk of iceberg lettuce
3) A slice of American cheese
4) Thousand Island dressing (Regular or Non-fat)
Open the bun, and place the cheese on it. (If using an English muffin, like, toast it first) Add the iceberg lettuce, (Ideally, use a fresh, crunchy part) top it off with Thousand Island dressing and you’re all set. Not only is this quick and easy, it also contains much less fat and fewer calories than its inspiration.
If you close your eyes while eating this and imagine a Big Mac, it’ll actually taste like…iceberg lettuce with cheese and Thousand Island dressing on a bun. However, the combination is serviceable and, if you really want a Big Mac, just go out and buy one.
Wherever you are, you can’t possibly be more than four minutes from a McDonald’s; unless for some reason you’re on I-91 in Vermont. They’re really hard to find there, even off of exits.* Well, I guess there are some in Brattleboro; most definitely in Burlington. However look at a map. Those two cities are at the very southern and northern ends of the state, respectively. In between, there’s like a four hour drive. What gives, Vermont? Not enough cows? Doubtful.
* Notice how I successfully navigated through the ‘They’re’ and ‘there’ quagmire? Using the correct form of these two, or three if you throw in ‘their,’ isn’t very difficult. When you write it incorrectly, it says something about you. Potentially to the point where people don’t really pay attention to the rest of what you’ve written because they’re too busy judging you on your inability to grasp even basic elements of grammar.
Is that fair? Perhaps not. Then again, I don’t make the rules. On the other hand, it seems most people can’t tell the difference anyway, so you may be off the hook on a technicality.
1) Use your hands.
2) I don’t know what else to tell you, man.
(The writing in this post is courtesy of the upcoming, as yet unpublished humor book, ‘The Bachelor Cookbook’ Copyright 2011-2013 (by Christopher J Gay) This material may not be reproduced without the written permission of the author)
What if a late 20th Century Jack the Ripper tearing apart a small Connecticut town was the result of a pancake shop bet between God and the devil? Imagine if Satan’s impact on the world in the new millennium hinged entirely on one police officer’s skill in hunting down a ruthless killer…hiding in plain sight. Detective Danny Seabrook is an unwitting pawn in a divine chess match with immeasurable consequences for all mankind. Set primarily in 1995, this action-packed suspense thriller features clever dialogue, humor and romance-with an ending you will never forget.
* * * *
As the end draws near for long-retired Sherlock Holmes in Sussex Downs, he calls one last time for the company of his best friend and colleague, Dr. John Watson. What was meant to be four last days of camaraderie and reminiscing instead leads to the most shocking, explosive revelation both of the great detective’s career, and his life.
Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal is a Holmes tale like none other ever conceived. Fans of Baker Street’s legendary detective will be left with the insatiable need to contemplate its extraordinary conclusion forevermore.
* * * *
Chris Gay is an author, freelance writer, voice-over artist, broadcaster and actor. He writes and broadcasts a daily, minute radio humor spot in Hartford, Connecticut. He’s also written the paranormal, theological thriller novel Ghost of a Chance and three humor books: And That’s the Way It Was…Give or Take: A Daily Dose of My Radio Writings, Shouldn’t Ice Cold Beer Be Frozen? My 365 Random Thoughts to Improve Your Life Not One Iota, and The Bachelor Cookbook: Edible Meals with a Side of Sarcasm. He’s been published nationally in Writer’s Digest and is currently writing his fourth and fifth humor books, Another Round of Ice Cold Beer: My 365 More Random Thoughts to Improve Your Life Not One Iota and Something Witty this Way Comes; the latter being a collection of pieces written for his humor blog. Look soon for his book Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal, an original, extraordinary short story on the great detective. Also, he’s writing the Ghost of a Chance sequel Perdition’s Wrath, and has written and voiced radio commercials, authored both comedic and non-comedic freelance articles, scripts, press releases, website, media and technical content, done occasional radio color commentary for local sports, and acted in a couple of movies and plays. His website is chrisjgay.com, and his humor blog can be found at chrisgay.wordpress.com.
Hope Springs (Barfly)