By Chris Gay
In a measured response to a massive Great White patrolling its waters, the leadership of a New England island community shrewdly decides that the best way to protect the townsfolk is to close the beach for a single day-and then just kind of hope that it decides to swim away.
This clever approach goes inexplicably awry when, instead, the shark opts to stay local and continue dining on Bather du Jour. Realizing their slight error in judgment the Mayor, Chief of Police and a renowned oceanographer all agree that a more effective course of action might be to eschew modern hunting techniques in favor of hiring an aged, lunatic captain in possession of a boat slightly larger than those once provided in cereal boxes.
Out on the open ocean, the seasoned mariner is seemingly surprised to discover his inability to land the three-ton animal with a fishing pole. His failure in this endeavor allows the question of what he would’ve done with it-had he somehow actually hauled it in-to remain forever unanswered.
At any rate, the ichthyologist fails next in his own attempt to end the beast by, one can only presume, flossing its teeth with a glorified Lawn Jart.
Irked at the trio’s continual attempts on him, as well as a slight ancillary annoyance likely stemming from three beer kegs harpooned to its body, Jaws sups on the boat’s captain; rendering his earlier, bold decision to shun a life jacket irrelevant.
However, after apparently being misled by an episode of Mythbusters, the shark succumbs to the Chief of Police after neglecting to pass on a dessert course featuring a tank of highly compressed air- as well as the accompanying introduction to it of a lightning-fast projectile.
The inspirational story of a downtrodden pugilist who, despite being significantly punch drunk, gets inexplicably smarter throughout the course of the movie.
After several figurative bouts with self-esteem and, despite being tethered to a best friend with the morals of a career lobbyist, Rocky becomes determined to win the Heavyweight Championship belt from an arrogant, underestimating Chubbs; who reigns supreme over the boxing world in the years prior to an alligator tragically biting his damn hand off.
However in a clever plot twist, Rocky loses the fight and goes home not with the coveted belt but, rather, no belt at all and a busted face.
Die Hard (1988)
On Christmas Eve, police officer John McClane unexpectedly finds himself in a barefoot race against time to save his wife from a gang of villains led by a British guy with a pseudo-German accent and his German henchman; who for some reason understands his boss’ commands better when given to him in English.
With outside moral support coming from a reasonable, spongecake-loving beat cop possessing the motorcar maneuvering skills of Helen Keller, McClane is able to soldier on and pick off the mercenaries in turn. Ultimately, the sarcastic constable thwarts the entire nefarious, half-billion dollar scheme with help from a swatch of cleverly positioned, festively decorated masking tape.
Afterward in a gesture of seasonal goodwill he effectively demonstrates, with assistance from gravity, why a master criminal would be better served choosing for his captive someone whose personal taste in watches favors a singularly whole, clasp-less band.
The Empire Strikes Back (1980)
The highly anticipated sequel to the original Star Wars finds former moisture farmer-turned Death Star weakness exploiter Luke Skywalker hiding from the Empire with his cohorts on the North Pole. While there, maverick pilot Han Solo begins a relationship with Princess Leia, though not so much out of love, but rather due to a seemingly 4 million to 1 ratio of men to women all through the galaxy.
Throughout, the dialogue repetitively highlights much ‘Dark Side of the Force’ underestimating by central characters. Further along, Obi-Wan Kenobi returns to play second fiddle to a sickly puppet who sounds suspiciously like Fozzi Bear; while once again proving that being deceased is not all that much of a hindrance to getting around.
After an unexpected betrayal Han Solo becomes a slug’s Feng Shui, while his betrayer tries to repent by re-destroying the new Death Star. However, prior to the aforementioned climax, the film reveals a rather disconcerting paternal subplot that ultimately causes Darth Vader to turn on his Emperor, while inexplicably leaving unscathed the designer who yet again neglected to protect the Death Star’s singular, obvious Achilles’ Heel.
The Exorcist (1973)
The heartwarming story of a young woman’s journey to find inner peace through her impromptu relationship with God…Give or take.
The Godfather (1972)
A gripping saga detailing one immigrant’s rise from youthful poverty, through his somewhat aggressive quest to provide for his extended family during war torn, 1940’sAmerica.
Forrest Gump (1994)
A lovable simpleton inadvertently finds himself in the middle of numerous situations of historical and political consequence, then afterward reiterates them to attentive passersby with such eloquence, it makes one realize he’s most likely too intelligent to get into politics himself.
The story of a lonely, yet good-hearted San Francisco detective who generously donates the contents of his .44 Magnum to the chest cavities of the city’s most unrepentant criminals, as a creative and effective alternative to rehabilitation.
The haunting tale of a misunderstood recluse who attempts to overcome his personal demons by returning to his hometown, in an ultimately tragic attempt to reconnect with his kin.
The highly precise plans for Earth’s domination by a group of sophisticated extra-terrestrials possessing high tech transportation and weaponry are derailed at the last second, by an inebriated moron portrayed by the same actor who played Cousin Eddie in Christmas Vacation.
Wall Street (1987)
Wall Street tycoon Gordon Gekko’s attempt to further add to his impressive, albeit questionably obtained fortune is derailed by The Man, who views Gekko’s law un-abiding initiatives in a rather different light then he does.
Silence Of The Lambs (1991)
A highly-educated professional resorts to the manipulation and cannibalism of those beneath him with such effectiveness, you may begin to wonder how he managed to avoid becoming a CEO in the private sector.
Back To The Future (1985)
A chronicle of the wacky time traveling misadventures between a wily, sarcastic teen and his sanity- divested scientific mentor with a penchant for static electricity-inspired hairstyles.
What if a late 20th Century Jack the Ripper tearing apart a small Connecticut town was the result of a pancake shop bet between God and the devil? Imagine if Satan’s impact on the world in the new millennium hinged entirely on one police officer’s skill in hunting down a ruthless killer…hiding in plain sight. Detective Danny Seabrook is an unwitting pawn in a divine chess match with immeasurable consequences for all mankind. Set primarily in 1995, this action-packed suspense thriller features clever dialogue, humor and romance-with an ending you will never forget.
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As the end draws near for long-retired Sherlock Holmes in Sussex Downs, he calls one last time for the company of his best friend and colleague, Dr. John Watson. What was meant to be four last days of camaraderie and reminiscing instead leads to the most shocking, explosive revelation both of the great detective’s career, and his life.
Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal is a Holmes tale like none other ever conceived. Fans of Baker Street’s legendary detective will be left with the insatiable need to contemplate its extraordinary conclusion forevermore.
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The Bachelor Cookbook is the perfect (and likely only) addition to any guy’s collection of sarcastic culinary literature. If you’re between relationships and looking to make the most of whatever foodstuffs you’ve got until you meet that next special woman, then your prayers have been answered. Unless you’re an atheist; in which case coming across this book just means your luck was in today. For men looking for sustenance over style, I give you this spectacular cookbook. Well, I don’t “give it” to you, per se. You have to pay for it.
Featuring such taste-bud tempting recipes as:
Meat on a Bed of Rice
Cheese and Crackers
Plus Miscellaneous Cookbook Humor, too!
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Chris Gay is an author, freelance writer, voice-over artist, broadcaster and actor. He writes and broadcasts a daily, minute radio humor spot in Hartford, Connecticut. He’s also written the paranormal, theological thriller novel Ghost of a Chance and three humor books: And That’s the Way It Was…Give or Take: A Daily Dose of My Radio Writings, Shouldn’t Ice Cold Beer Be Frozen? My 365 Random Thoughts to Improve Your Life Not One Iota, and The Bachelor Cookbook: Edible Meals with a Side of Sarcasm. He’s been published nationally in Writer’s Digest and is currently writing his fourth and fifth humor books, Another Round of Ice Cold Beer: My 365 More Random Thoughts to Improve Your Life Not One Iota and Something Witty this Way Comes; the latter being a collection of pieces written for his humor blog. His book Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal, is an original, extraordinary short story on the great detective. Also, he’s writing the Ghost of a Chance sequel Perdition’s Wrath, and has written and voiced radio commercials, authored both comedic and non-comedic freelance articles, scripts, press releases, website, media and technical content, done occasional radio color commentary for local sports, and acted in a couple of movies and plays. His website is chrisjgay.com, and his humor blog can be found at chrisgay.wordpress.com.
Hope Springs (Barfly)