Chris Gay’s Politically Correct Movie Reviews

By Chris Gay

Jaws  (1975)                                                                                                                                                                                                             

In a measured response to a massive Great White patrolling its waters, the leadership of a New England island community shrewdly decides that the best way to protect the townsfolk is to close the beach for a single day-and then just kind of hope that it decides to swim away.

This clever approach goes inexplicably awry when, instead, the shark opts to stay local and continue dining on Bather du Jour. Realizing their slight error in judgment the Mayor, Chief of Police and a renowned oceanographer all agree that a more effective course of action might be to eschew modern hunting techniques in favor of hiring an aged, lunatic captain in possession of a boat slightly larger than those once provided in cereal boxes.

Out on the open ocean, the seasoned mariner is seemingly surprised to discover his inability to land the three-ton animal with a fishing pole. His failure in this endeavor allows the question of what he would’ve done with it-had he somehow actually hauled it in-to remain forever unanswered.

At any rate, the ichthyologist fails next in his own attempt to end the beast by, one can only presume, flossing its teeth with a glorified Lawn Jart.

Irked at the trio’s continual attempts on him, as well as a slight ancillary annoyance likely stemming from three beer kegs harpooned to its body, Jaws sups on the boat’s captain; rendering his earlier, bold decision to shun a life jacket irrelevant.

However, after apparently being misled by an episode of Mythbusters, the shark succumbs to the Chief of Police after neglecting to pass on a dessert course featuring a tank of highly compressed air- as well as the accompanying introduction to it of a lightning-fast projectile.

Rocky (1976)

The inspirational story of a downtrodden pugilist who, despite being significantly punch drunk, gets inexplicably smarter throughout the course of the movie.

After several figurative bouts with self-esteem and, despite being tethered to a best friend with the morals of a career lobbyist, Rocky becomes determined to win the Heavyweight Championship belt from an arrogant, underestimating Chubbs; who reigns supreme over the boxing world in the years prior to an alligator tragically biting his damn hand off.

However in a clever plot twist, Rocky loses the fight and goes home not with the coveted belt but, rather, no belt at all and a busted face.

Die Hard (1988)

On Christmas Eve, police officer John McClane unexpectedly finds himself in a barefoot race against time to save his wife from a gang of villains led by a British guy with a pseudo-German accent and his German henchman; who for some reason understands his boss’ commands better when given to him in English.

With outside moral support coming  from a reasonable, spongecake-loving beat cop possessing the  motorcar maneuvering  skills of Helen Keller, McClane  is able to soldier on and pick off the mercenaries in turn. Ultimately, the sarcastic constable thwarts the entire nefarious, half-billion dollar scheme with help from a swatch of cleverly positioned,  festively decorated masking tape.

Afterward in a gesture of seasonal goodwill he effectively demonstrates, with assistance from gravity, why a master criminal would be better served choosing for his captive someone whose personal taste in watches favors a singularly whole, clasp-less band.

The Empire Strikes Back (1980)

The highly anticipated sequel to the original Star Wars finds former moisture farmer-turned Death Star weakness exploiter Luke Skywalker hiding from the Empire with his cohorts on the North Pole. While there, maverick pilot Han Solo begins a relationship with Princess Leia, though not so much out of love, but rather due to a seemingly 4 million to 1 ratio of men to women all through the galaxy.

Throughout, the dialogue repetitively highlights much ‘Dark Side of the Force’ underestimating by central characters. Further along, Obi-Wan Kenobi returns to play second fiddle to a sickly puppet who sounds suspiciously like Fozzi Bear; while once again proving that being deceased is not all that much of a hindrance to getting around.

After an unexpected betrayal Han Solo becomes a slug’s Feng Shui, while his betrayer tries to repent by re-destroying the new Death Star. However, prior to the aforementioned climax, the film reveals a rather disconcerting paternal subplot that ultimately causes Darth Vader to turn on his Emperor, while inexplicably leaving unscathed the designer who yet again neglected to protect the Death Star’s singular, obvious Achilles’ Heel.

The Exorcist (1973)

The heartwarming story of a young woman’s journey to find inner peace through her impromptu relationship with God…Give or take.

The Godfather (1972)

A gripping saga detailing one immigrant’s rise from youthful poverty, through his somewhat aggressive quest to provide for his extended family during war torn, 1940’sAmerica.

Forrest Gump (1994)

A lovable simpleton inadvertently finds himself in the middle of numerous situations of historical and political consequence, then afterward reiterates them to attentive passersby with such eloquence, it makes one realize he’s most likely too intelligent to get into politics himself.

Dirty Harry (1971)

The story of a lonely, yet good-hearted San Francisco detective who generously donates the contents of his .44 Magnum to the chest cavities of the city’s most unrepentant criminals, as a creative and effective alternative to rehabilitation.

Halloween (1978)

The haunting tale of a misunderstood recluse who attempts to overcome his personal demons by returning to his hometown, in an ultimately tragic attempt to reconnect with his kin.

Independence Day (1996)

The highly precise plans for Earth’s domination by a group of sophisticated extra-terrestrials possessing high tech transportation and weaponry are derailed at the last second, by an inebriated moron portrayed by the same actor who played Cousin Eddie in Christmas Vacation.

Wall Street (1987)

Wall Street tycoon Gordon Gekko’s attempt to further add to his impressive, albeit questionably obtained fortune is derailed by The Man, who views Gekko’s law un-abiding initiatives in a rather different light then he does.

Silence Of The Lambs (1991)

A highly-educated professional resorts to the manipulation and cannibalism of those beneath him with such effectiveness, you may begin to wonder how he managed to avoid becoming a CEO in the private sector.

Back To The Future (1985)

A chronicle of the wacky time traveling misadventures between a wily, sarcastic teen and his sanity- divested scientific mentor with a penchant for static electricity-inspired hairstyles.

God. The Devil. The Bet. The Fate of Mankind in the Balance. Check out Chris Gay’s new theological, paranormal crime thriller, Ghost of a Chance.

What if a late 20th Century Jack the Ripper tearing apart a small Connecticut town was the result of a pancake shop bet between God and the devil? Imagine if Satan’s impact on the world in the new millennium hinged entirely on one police officer’s skill in hunting down a ruthless killer…hiding in plain sight. Detective Danny Seabrook is an unwitting pawn in a divine chess match with immeasurable consequences for all mankind. Set primarily in 1995, this action-packed suspense thriller features clever dialogue, humor and romance-with an ending you will never forget.

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‘Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal’ by Chris Gay

As the end draws near for long-retired Sherlock Holmes in Sussex Downs, he calls one last time for the company of his best friend and colleague, Dr. John Watson. What was meant to be four last days of camaraderie and reminiscing instead leads to the most shocking, explosive revelation both of the great detective’s career, and his life.

Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal is a Holmes tale like none other ever conceived. Fans of Baker Street’s legendary detective will be left with the insatiable need to contemplate its extraordinary conclusion forevermore.

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‘The Bachelor Cookbook: Edible Meals with a Side of Sarcasm’ by Chris Gay

The Bachelor Cookbook is the perfect (and likely only) addition to any guy’s collection of sarcastic culinary literature. If you’re between relationships and looking to make the most of whatever foodstuffs you’ve got until you meet that next special woman, then your prayers have been answered. Unless you’re an atheist; in which case coming across this book just means your luck was in today. For men looking for sustenance over style, I give you this spectacular cookbook. Well, I don’t “give it” to you, per se. You have to pay for it.

Featuring such taste-bud tempting recipes as:

Popcorn Salad

Meat on a Bed of Rice

Cheese and Crackers

Spaghetti Sandwich

Plus Miscellaneous Cookbook Humor, too!

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Chris Gay is an author, freelance writer, voice-over artist, broadcaster and actor. He writes and broadcasts a daily, minute radio humor spot in Hartford, Connecticut. He’s also written the paranormal, theological thriller novel Ghost of a Chance and three humor books: And That’s the Way It Was…Give or Take: A Daily Dose of My Radio Writings, Shouldn’t Ice Cold Beer Be Frozen? My 365 Random Thoughts to Improve Your Life Not One Iota, and The Bachelor Cookbook: Edible Meals with a Side of Sarcasm. He’s been published nationally in Writer’s Digest and is currently writing his fourth and fifth humor books, Another Round of Ice Cold Beer: My 365 More Random Thoughts to Improve Your Life Not One Iota  and  Something Witty this Way Comes; the latter being a collection of pieces written for his humor blog. His book Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal, is an original, extraordinary short story on the great detective. Also, he’s writing the Ghost of a Chance sequel Perdition’s Wrath, and has written and voiced radio commercials, authored both comedic and non-comedic freelance articles, scripts, press releases, website, media and technical content, done occasional radio color commentary for local sports, and acted in a couple of movies and plays. His website is chrisjgay.com, and his humor blog can be found at chrisgay.wordpress.com.

http://www.chrisjgay.com

Author Page on Facebook

Chris Gay Author/Writer/ Humorist on Facebook

Ghost of a Chance on Facebook

Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal on Facebook

https://chrisgay.wordpress.com

Twitter: @chrisgay13

Movies:

2012:

Hope Springs (Barfly)

2009:

Testimonies of a Quiet New England Town (Constable John Gilbert)

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A Few Minutes on an Early Influence…Andy Rooney

By Chris Gay

Somewhat infrequently, I’m asked who has influenced me with regard to the humor portion of my writings. Indeed, it was a question I’d also asked myself at times as comedy became more and more the genre I was focusing on. As I thought back on it, I realized the most accurate answer was probably Andy Rooney. To backtrack just a little, I was born in 1972, and by the time the Yankees had beaten the Dodgers for the second consecutive time in the ‘78 World Series, I was already reading everything I could get my hands on. I’d wanted to be a writer and, to a very young me, two of them stood out among the others at that time; primarily for the same reason.

Roald Dahl & Andy Rooney

By the time I was nine I had read many of the now classic books that author Roald Dahl had written for people my age, such as Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. What I hadn’t known at first though was that he had also written the script for the James Bond film You Only Live Twice. Having already seen and loved a few Bond movies by then, I’d thought that that was pretty cool. That the same person was able to change gears like that and write such distinctly different works using the same typewriter struck me as fantastic. Although not as impressive, however, as me finding a way to use the word that three times in six words in the previous two sentences. But let’s move on.

In 1981 or ‘82, I found a copy of A Few Minutes with Andy Rooney in my mom’s living room bookcase and read it. I’d heard of Mr. Rooney, but at ten I can tell you with relative certainty that I didn’t spend all that much time watching 60 Minutes. (The Greatest America Hero however, was another story. Maybe re-runs of Wonder Woman, too. Although, to be honest, not really all that much for the story lines) Most of his essays were short, and many were funny.

What really jumped out at me though was the impressive range of the topics he wrote on, ranging from soap to politics and everything in between. The lesson I learned reading that book was that you could wring comedy out of anything. Though I hadn’t thought about that in a while, a few years back it occurred to me that the radio spots I broadcast today, as well as my books based on them,  And That’s the Way it Was…Give or Take: A Daily Dose of My Radio Writings & Shouldn’t Ice Cold Beer be Frozen? My 365 Random Thoughts To Improve Your Life Not One Iota  are, to some extent, a result of that lesson.

From The Greatest Generation to Generation X

So, what else could an aspiring writer/performer learn from a seasoned essayist 53 years his senior? Quite a bit, actually. It turns out that Andy Rooney and Roald Dahl, aside from their material, weren’t all that different. In fact they both rode on the Cross-Genre Expressway at times. Before writing comedy, Rooney corresponded for the Stars and Stripes newspaper during World War II, and wrote many non-comedic pieces on his experiences during that time. But as some writers can tell you, if you write a variety of stuff in relative anonymity- yet broadcast one particular type on the air somewhere- that’s generally what you’ll start becoming known for. Or so I’ve heard.

Opinions, I’ve Had a Few

In the course of writing this piece I’ve come to realize that maybe he was a bigger influence than I’d thought. I’m a freelance writer who does a little broadcasting, voice-over, and acting. I also have myriad opinions. The difference of course is that having opinions on innumerable topics is one thing; getting millions of people to care what you think about them is quite another. Some I share with Mr. Rooney (I’m very nostalgic, as well as being an agnostic with a love for Christmas) and some I don’t. Further, most Americans have heard of Andy Rooney while, conversely, most have not heard of Chris Gay. Laugh if you will, but if you’re reading this now, once again my number has climbed by one. The point is that Rooney wasn’t a household name until well into the second half of his life. Indeed, he was nearly sixty when he debuted on 60 Minutes.

And The Lesson There is…

It truly is never too late to go after your dreams or, at least, try something more befitting of your natural abilities than whatever you’re doing now. I believe that everyone-including you- has at least one thing they’re very good at doing. When you realize what that is, it might be worth looking into making that what you do in life. Listen, I waited until my thirties to let go of the side boards and try to skate around the rink as a writer. What made me start thinking about trying to go for it, about eight or nine years ago now? It was when I thought about whether four billion years of evolution occurred just to bring us to a place where we spend our time working our tails off for little, in some cubicle-esque or retail environment, while kissing the backside of people we’re likely more talented than. I know what that answer was for me; I’ll leave your answer to you.

I still wonder if I can be a successful writer. I think so, but I’m not sure yet. All I can do is work hard to put myself in a position to be successful. My guess that last sentence is some old football or baseball coach’s cliche’. I’m not sure, I’m just guessing. But it’s my belief notwithstanding. What I do know for sure though is that I won’t be looking back in twenty years asking myself why I didn’t try.

A friend of mine in the radio business once said to me, “Chris, everybody’s always getting ready to get ready.” That was his simplistic yet profound way of saying that while people talk a good game, most never take a chance on themselves. Take what you will from it. But I digress. Actually, I digress a lot.

Wait, Where’s the Humor?

To those who’ve read the majority of my previous writings for their comedy and wonder why this one isn’t all that funny; it’s because it’s not meant to be. The list of people who’ve influenced me in any way is very short and, when one passes, it seems like the proper time to acknowledge them and how they’ve impacted me. The humor will return soon, I promise. In the meantime, if you’re impatient scroll down my blog and reacquaint yourself with some of my previous humor writings. Or don’t. Either way I was able to get a shameless plug into this blog post. And really, that’s what counts.

In Conclusion

Though I’m still hanging on to my thirties, I’m beginning to find that the older one gets, the less one cares all that much about pulling punches with one’s opinions- written or otherwise. I can’t even imagine how much that will be magnified in the unlikely event that I reach age 92. Whether writing straight or writing satire, as long as a writer is honest with himself (or herself) and his readers, some people will agree with you and some won’t. And sometimes, those two groups will trade places.

Thank you, Andy Rooney, for inadvertently teaching us that good writers don’t have to tether themselves to one genre. Even though you probably don’t care that you did. Rest in peace.

God. The Devil. The Bet. The Fate of Mankind in the Balance. Check out my new theological, paranormal crime thriller, Ghost of a Chance.

What if a late 20th Century Jack the Ripper tearing apart a small Connecticut town was the result of a pancake shop bet between God and the devil? Imagine if Satan’s impact on the world in the new millennium hinged entirely on one police officer’s skill in hunting down a ruthless killer…hiding in plain sight. Detective Danny Seabrook is an unwitting pawn in a divine chess match with immeasurable consequences for all mankind. Set primarily in 1995, this action-packed suspense thriller features clever dialogue, humor and romance-with an ending you will never forget.

Chris Gay is an author, freelance writer, voice-over artist, broadcaster and actor. He writes and broadcasts a daily, sponsored minute radio humor spot in Hartford, Connecticut. He’s written three humor books: Shouldn’t Ice Cold Beer Be Frozen? My 365 Random Thoughts to Improve Your Life Not One Iota, And That’s the Way It Was…Give or Take: A Daily Dose of My Radio Writings, and The Bachelor Cookbook: Recipes with a Side of Sarcasm for the Single Guy. He’s currently writing his fourth humor book, Another Round of Ice Cold Beer: My 365 More Random Thoughts to Improve Your Life Not One Iota, along with the Ghost of a Chance sequel Perdition’s Wrath. He has written and voiced radio commercials, authored both comedic and non-comedic freelance articles, scripts, press releases, website, media and technical content, done occasional radio color commentary for local sports, and acted in a couple of movies and plays. He lives in Connecticut.

http://www.chrisjgay.com

Author Page on Facebook

On Facebook

https://chrisgay.wordpress.com

Movies:

2012:

Hope Springs (Barfly)

2009:

Testimonies of a Quiet New England Town (Constable John Gilbert)