Attempting to write a humor piece on a holiday whose relevance is now primarily owed to the humor movie bearing its name is no easy task. Such a challenge though is why we comedy bloggers get into comedy blogging. Well, in truth I do it for money. Except no one pays me yet, so my reasoning defaults to “for love of the craft.”

Groundhog Day Origins

The Groundhog Day ceremony dates back to whenever it first started. Odds are the inhabitants of some European country or other created a custom out of observing the climate-deducing habits of a rodent whose closest relative their descendants could find when they ended up in America was a groundhog. Such a tradition is in the spirit of the German Hessians bringing Christmas trees here during the American Revolution, and the British introducing us to Cadbury Crème Eggs in celebration of the Resurrection. (It’s okay, you can laugh. I’m technically Catholic)

Groundhog Day Mysteries

Let’s examine perhaps the two most perplexing mysteries surrounding Groundhog Day. The first is why those descendants opted to settle in a town whose only other contribution to society seems to be the highly impressive score its name would rack up in a game of Scrabble. The second mystery is that February 2^nd somehow marks Groundhog Day in both the United States and Canada, yet our two countries can’t even agree to set Thanksgiving Day in the same month.

Hedge-hogging His Bets

From the time his predictions were first recorded, Punxsutawney Phil has seen his shadow far more times than he hasn’t. To some, this may indicate that Phil’s natural inclination to return to hibernation is his primary motivation. However, with Groundhog Day permanently set on February 2^nd and the onset of spring consistently March 21^st, the reality is that whether or not Phil sees his shadow there’s going to be six more weeks of winter. Do the math, people.

Groundhog Day in Pop Culture

When comedian Buddy Hackett voiced the cartoon groundhog in the 1979 Rankin/Bass television production Jack Frost, one can only surmise that he secretly rejoiced in cornering the groundhog character for generations of viewers. However two things would conspire to deny him his chance at securing immortality. First, unlike Rankin/Bass’s reigning Christmas classic Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, Jack Frost kind of sucked. As such, it’s rarely seen or even remembered today. Hackett’s disappointment at not overtaking Rudolph was later transformed to complete and utter dismay by two simple words: Bill Murray.

Regardless of the unending speculations of how many consecutive days Phil Connors actually spent waking up on February 2^nd in Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania; or for that matter how both his friends and the townsfolk could possibly not notice that they too were reliving the same day, Groundhog Day remains the gold standard for movies based on non-holiday holidays. The film has something for everyone, and will no doubt result in laughter, tears, and a loathing of Sonny and Cher.

The Groundhog Day Setting

Although Gobbler’s Knob sounds more like the name of an R-Rated Bond Girl, (Even though Saltzman and Broccoli somehow got away with “Pussy Galore”- in 1964) it’s actually the little nook east of Punxsutawney where tuxedo-clad men pull Phil out of a plastic tree stump annually. Though the pomp and circumstance of the day is no doubt appealing, the question remains that if these men are indeed able to understand the language of Groundhog, one might think they’d also be smart enough to avoid dressing in top hats and standing in sub-freezing temperatures at 7:30a.m. in order to speak with a rodent.

In Conclusion

Groundhog Day is nothing more than a little benign fun for all. In fact the most perplexing thing about it is why, unlike the winter non-holiday holidays named after Saints Valentine and Patrick, so few have found a way to make truckloads of cash commercializing it. So enjoy the day- though if you’re looking for an accurate weather forecast you’re probably better off checking in with Doppler than Gobbler.

Chris Gay is a freelance writer, voice-over artist, and broadcaster/actor. He writes and broadcasts a daily, sponsored radio humor spot in Hartford, Connecticut, and has written two humor books: Shouldn’t Ice Cold Beer Be Frozen? My 365 Random Thoughts To Improve Your Life Not One Iota, as well as And That’s the Way It Was…Give or Take: A Daily Dose of My Radio Writings. Look for his upcoming supernatural, theological crime novel Ghost of a Chance and later its sequel, Perdition’s Wrath, his humor book The Bachelor Cookbook and, written in partnership with KSpin Designs for the benefit of Melanoma research, Suesea Sunscreen and the Big Lesson.  He has written and voiced radio commercials, authored both comedic and non-comedic freelance articles, scripts, and press releases, done occasional radio color commentary for local sports, and acted in a couple of movies and plays. He is the media and technical writer for the clothing company KSpin Designs, and the publicity director for the Connecticut Authors & Publishers Association. (CAPA)

http://www.chrisjgay.com

https://chrisgay.wordpress.com

Movies:

2012:

Great Hope Springs (Barfly)

2009:

Testimonies of a Quiet New England Town (Constable John Gilbert)

So, you’re about to send or respond to a text or email; or perhaps comment on a social media thread. With your thought completed, you now seek to punctuate your words with something to indicate a humorous intent, as you fear your recipient may be too much of a simpleton to grasp the underlying comedy. You now face a choice that will likely define you for years, nay, decades to come.

‘Haha’…or ‘Lol’?

With the exception of the occasional miscreant who insists on bucking the system and utilizing some other suffix to denote a droll post, most of us are going to pick from the two. Why? For the same reason that nobody really wants to buy domain names if they can’t get what they want to end in .com or .net. Indeed, domain merchants practically pay you to take the .infos off their hands.

At any rate, what you go with at the outset of your texting career will almost certainly set the tone for a lifetime. If this last sentence sounds a lot like the one that concluded the first paragraph, it’s because some topics don’t lend themselves well to my self-imposed ‘minimum four hundred words per humor blog post,’ and so filler is required. Even clever-er is that that unnecessary explanation, for that which you likely didn’t even notice anyway, brought me even further toward my goal. In fact it went so well, I’m even tempted to go into the reason one would use ‘further’ in place of  ‘farther’ just then. However that might be pushing it. So moving along, decisions like this take time as well as consideration. As a service to you, let’s take them in turn shall we? We shall.

Lol. What does that even mean? Yes, I realize that literally it expands to Laughing out Loud. But it’s nonsensical. No one actually ‘laughs out loud’ at nearly any of the electronic correspondence he or she receives. Indeed, the funniest thing about a text or email from a friend is likely the ludicrous grammar used by someone who you otherwise thought was an adult of reasonable intelligence.

It’s even more absurd when someone inexplicably uses it after a blatant insult. For instance, you might receive a text reading something like: “Btw thanx 4 the bday gift, but next time don’t get me clothes. U seem 2 have the fashion sense of a far-sighted circus clown. lol.”

It’s to the point where people now believe they can write anything in a message, so long as they tack on an lol. So now texts like these become commonplace:

“It was nice meeting you for lunch after so long, although I was somewhat surprised at how fat you’d gotten. Hopefully, that buffet we ate at will still be able to stay in business. lol”

Or, “Wow, the plastic surgeon really screwed up your nose job. Well maybe now you can get work posing for comic strip characters. lol.”   

Haha, while not ideal, is more practical. It’s used for the most part to compassionately explain that the writer’s intent is not meant to be serious, as it’s sometimes difficult to determine the context of a given message. For example, which one of these two texts would you rather receive?

1) “Dude, the doctor just said my “issue” should clear up on its own in a few weeks. So is it okay now if I call your sister?”

2) “Dude, the doctor just said my “issue” should clear up on its own in a few weeks. So is it okay now if I call your sister? Haha.” 

Or these:

1) “Thanks for letting me borrow your credit card to fill up the Toyota, honey. Oh btw, I also decided to buy $700 worth of Omaha steaks to stock our new freezer.”

2) “Thanks for letting me borrow your credit card to fill up the Toyota, honey. Oh btw, I also decided to buy $700 worth of Omaha steaks to stock our new freezer, haha.”

So you see, there is a measurable difference between the two and, now that you know it, the choice is yours. So as not to influence your decision I won’t give you my own preference, haha.

Chris Gay is a freelance writer, voice-over artist, and broadcaster/actor. He writes and broadcasts a daily, sponsored radio humor spot in Hartford, Connecticut, and has written two humor books: Shouldn’t Ice Cold Beer Be Frozen? My 365 Random Thoughts To Improve Your Life Not One Iota, as well as And That’s the Way It Was…Give or Take: A Daily Dose of My Radio Writings. Look for his upcoming supernatural, theological crime novel Ghost of a Chance and later its sequel, Perdition’s Wrath, his humor book The Bachelor Cookbook and, written in partnership with KSpin Designs for the benefit of Melanoma research, Suesea Sunscreen and the Big Lesson.  He has written and voiced radio commercials, authored both comedic and non-comedic freelance articles, scripts, and press releases, done occasional radio color commentary for local sports, and acted in a couple of movies and plays. He is the media and technical writer for the clothing company KSpin Designs, and the publicity director for the Connecticut Authors & Publishers Association. (CAPA)

Movies:

2012:

Great Hope Springs (Barfly)

2009:

Testimonies of a Quiet New England Town (Constable John Gilbert)

http://www.chrisjgay.com

https://chrisgay.wordpress.com

The following is excerpted from my upcoming 3rd humor book, “The Bachelor Cookbook” (2012)

Meat on a Bed of Rice

What you’ll need:

1) Some kind of meat

2) Rice. Preferably the boil-in bag kind

3) Grated cheese (Optional)

Preparation:

Start by boiling a bag of rice in a saucepan. Though that will to take awhile, feel free to glance over at it from time to time, anyway. Contrary to what they say a watched pot will in fact boil, unless the burner was never turned on. In that case, whoever ‘they’ are would be correct. But they’d be right on a technicality. We can live with that.

Now have a look in your refrigerator/freezer and search around for something meat-based. Hot dogs or pre-cooked, ready to eat chicken or turkey chunks will work. If you’ve got the latter- jackpot! You don’t even have to cook them. When mixed together, the hot rice will warm up the meat sufficiently enough to be acceptable. If all you find are hot dogs, unfortunately it doesn’t work that way. Once out of the water, the finished rice won’t hold its heat long enough to cook them to palatability. Unless for some reason you like them cold and, if that’s the case…dude. Come on.

Also, don’t try saving time by tossing the hot dogs into the same saucepan as the rice bag. Look, I get that some-if not most-of you have thrown sliced hot dogs into a pan of beans and let the bean juice* cook them for you. You can’t do that here though, because rice cooks in water whose excess you won’t be consuming. Well, theoretically you could do it, as hot dogs have been cooked in water for millennia.** However, nobody wants to eat rice cooked in hot dog water. Nobody.

Luckily there’s an easy solution right within reach. Plug in your George Foreman grill and cook them independently. It’s quick and, if you care, cleanup’s a snap. Don’t try to tell me you don’t have one. I know you do.

When the rice is done (You’ll know because the water, via a scientific process known as absorption, will be nearly gone while the rice will be, like, four*** times larger) cut the bag and dump it into some sort of container that’s at least larger than the bag itself was. A plate would work, but it’d be much tougher to thoroughly stir everything together. I refer you back to the saved Chinese food take-out containers from an earlier recipe. Told you- a million and one uses for those things.

Now toss the meat on top and mix. If desired, add some grated parmesan. If you’re feeling a little wild, toss on some of that store brand barbeque sauce you keep around to serve as a cheap, easy dip for virtually anything.

* Term made up on the fly, and not derived from the nonexistent, also just made up bean sauce species Juicodon Legumias.

** Give or take

*** Total guess. Really though, who cares?

Utensil Options:

1) Spoon

2) Fork

Pizza

 What you’ll need:

1) The telephone number for a local pizza parlor that delivers

2)  A telephone

Preparation:

Dial the number for a pizza parlor in your area. If you don’t know any, do an internet search. Or just look around outside your apartment door for one of those flyers different pizzerias stick between the doorjamb and doorknob. You know; the ones you toss aside nonchalantly upon returning home, because you figure that hallway cleanup of unsolicited advertisements by the resident “Schneider” is built into your rent.

Whatever, I’m not here to judge you. I just want to point out that in addition to a phone number those flyers often have coupons printed on them. You never know, you may score a gratis two-liter bottle of soda with your purchase. It’s worth it too, because nobody likes paying the absurd retail most pizza parlors charge for syrup-infused seltzer water.

Dial the number. When you reach someone- place your order, confirm your address, thank him or her, and hang up. Generally, someone will show up at the door with your pie in anywhere from forty-five minutes to an hour. (Add additional time in twenty minute increments based on a direct relation to how hungry you are when you called)

When the time comes, answer the door and pay the driver. Once your task is complete, bring the entire box to the coffee table. If you think of it grab a couple of paper towels on your way by the kitchen. Toss the pizza on a nearby coffee table or ottoman and have at it. If there are any leftovers, be sure to get them into the fridge by the 8^th inning at the latest. (The end of the second period if you’re watching ice hockey)

The next morning enjoy a hearty breakfast out of whatever’s left. And remember, pepperoni pizza is a perfect representation of the four food groups.

Utensil Options:

1)   Your hands

2)   Knife & fork*

* If you plan to go this route while your buddies are over watching the game, you may wish to reconsider.  I’m just saying.

(The writing in this post is courtesy of the upcoming, as yet unpublished humor book, “The Bachelor Cookbook” Copyright 2011 Christopher J Gay. This material may not be reproduced without the written permission of the author)

Chris Gay is a freelance writer, voice-over artist, broadcaster/actor. He writes and broadcasts a daily, sponsored radio humor spot in Hartford, Connecticut. He’s written two humor books: Shouldn’t Ice Cold Beer Be Frozen? My 365 Random Thoughts To Improve Your Life Not One Iota, as well as And That’s the Way It Was…Give or Take: A Daily Dose of My Radio Writings. Look for his upcoming supernatural, theological crime novel Ghost of a Chance and its sequel, Perdition’s Wrath, his humor book The Bachelor Cookbook and, written in partnership with KSpin Designs for the benefit of Melanoma research, Suesea Sunscreen and the Big Lesson.  He has written and voiced radio commercials, authored both comedic and non-comedic freelance articles, scripts, and press releases, done occasional radio color commentary for local sports, and acted in a couple of movies and plays. He is the media and technical writer for the clothing company KSpin Designs, and the publicity director for the Connecticut Authors & Publishers Association. (CAPA)

Movies:

2012:

Great Hope Springs (Barfly)

2009:

Testimonies of a Quiet New England Town (Constable John Gilbert)

https://chrisgay.wordpress.com

http://chrisjgay.com

Jaws (1975)

In a measured response to a massive Great White patrolling its waters, the leadership of a New England island community shrewdly decides that the best way to protect the townsfolk is to close the beach for a single day-and then just kind of hope that it decides to swim away.

This clever approach goes inexplicably awry when, instead, the shark opts to stay local and continue dining on Bather du Jour. Realizing their slight error in judgment the Mayor, Chief of Police and a renowned oceanographer all agree that a more effective course of action might be to eschew modern hunting techniques in favor of hiring an aged, lunatic captain in possession of a boat slightly larger than those once provided in cereal boxes.

Out on the open ocean, the seasoned mariner is seemingly surprised to discover his inability to land the three-ton animal with a fishing pole. His failure in this endeavor allows the question of what he would’ve done with it-had he somehow actually hauled it in-to remain forever unanswered.

At any rate, the ichthyologist fails next in his own attempt to end the beast by, one can only presume, flossing its teeth with a glorified Lawn Jart.

Irked at the trio’s continual attempts on him, as well as a slight ancillary annoyance likely stemming from three beer kegs harpooned to its body, Jaws sups on the boat’s captain; rendering his earlier, bold decision to shun a life jacket irrelevant.

However, after apparently being misled by an episode of Mythbusters, the shark succumbs to the Chief of Police after neglecting to pass on a dessert course featuring a tank of highly compressed air- as well as the accompanying introduction to it of a lightning-fast projectile.

Rocky (1976)

The inspirational story of a downtrodden pugilist who, despite being significantly punch drunk, gets inexplicably smarter throughout the course of the movie.

After several figurative bouts with self-esteem and, despite being tethered to a best friend with the morals of a career lobbyist, Rocky becomes determined to win the Heavyweight Championship belt from an arrogant, underestimating Chubbs; who reigns supreme over the boxing world in the years prior to an alligator tragically biting his damn hand off.

However in a clever plot twist, Rocky loses the fight and goes home not with the coveted belt but, rather, no belt at all and a busted face.

Die Hard (1988)

On Christmas Eve, police officer John McClane unexpectedly finds himself in a barefoot race against time to save his wife from a gang of villains led by a British guy with a pseudo-German accent and his German henchman; who for some reason understands his boss’ commands better when given to him in English.

With outside moral support coming  from a reasonable, spongecake-loving beat cop possessing the  motorcar maneuvering  skills of Helen Keller, McClane  is able to soldier on and pick off the mercenaries in turn. Ultimately, the sarcastic constable thwarts the entire nefarious, half-billion dollar scheme with help from a swatch of cleverly positioned,  festively decorated masking tape.

Afterward in a gesture of seasonal goodwill he effectively demonstrates, with assistance from gravity, why a master criminal would be better served choosing for his captive someone whose personal taste in watches favors a singularly whole, clasp-less band.

The Empire Strikes Back (1980)

The highly anticipated sequel to the original Star Wars finds former moisture farmer-turned Death Star weakness exploiter Luke Skywalker hiding from the Empire with his cohorts on the North Pole. While there, maverick pilot Han Solo begins a relationship with Princess Leia, though not so much out of love, but rather due to a seemingly 4 million to 1 ratio of men to women all through the galaxy.

Throughout, the dialogue repetitively highlights much ‘Dark Side of the Force’ underestimating by central characters. Further along, Obi-Wan Kenobi returns to play second fiddle to a sickly puppet who sounds suspiciously like Fozzi Bear; while once again proving that being deceased is not all that much of a hindrance to getting around.

After an unexpected betrayal Han Solo becomes a slug’s Feng Shui, while his betrayer tries to repent by re-destroying the new Death Star. However, prior to the aforementioned climax, the film reveals a rather disconcerting paternal subplot that ultimately causes Darth Vader to turn on his Emperor, while inexplicably leaving unscathed the designer who yet again neglected to protect the Death Star’s singular, obvious Achilles’ Heel.

For your reading pleasure, I’m including my original Politically Correct Movie Reviews below.

By Chris Gay

The Exorcist (1973)

The heartwarming story of a young woman’s journey to find inner peace through her impromptu relationship with God…Give or take.

The Godfather (1972)

A gripping saga detailing one immigrant’s rise from youthful poverty, through his somewhat aggressive quest to provide for his extended family during war torn, 1940’sAmerica.

Forrest Gump (1994)

A lovable simpleton inadvertently finds himself in the middle of numerous situations of historical and political consequence, then afterward reiterates them to attentive passersby with such eloquence, it makes one realize he’s most likely too intelligent to get into politics himself.

Dirty Harry (1971)

The story of a lonely, yet good-hearted San Francisco detective who generously donates the contents of his .44 Magnum to the chest cavities of the city’s most unrepentant criminals, as a creative and effective alternative to rehabilitation.

Halloween (1978)

The haunting tale of a misunderstood recluse who attempts to overcome his personal demons by returning to his hometown, in an ultimately tragic attempt to reconnect with his kin.

Independence Day (1996)

The highly precise plans for Earth’s domination by a group of sophisticated extra-terrestrials possessing high tech transportation and weaponry are derailed at the last second, by an inebriated moron portrayed by the same actor who played Cousin Eddie in Christmas Vacation.

Wall Street (1987)

Wall Street tycoon Gordon Gekko’s attempt to further add to his impressive, albeit questionably obtained fortune is derailed by The Man, who views Gekko’s law un-abiding initiatives in a rather different light then he does.

Silence Of The Lambs (1991)

A highly-educated professional resorts to the manipulation and cannibalism of those beneath him with such effectiveness, you may begin to wonder how he managed to avoid becoming a CEO in the private sector.

Back To The Future (1985)

A chronicle of the wacky time traveling misadventures between a wily, sarcastic teen and his sanity- divested scientific mentor with a penchant for static electricity-inspired hairstyles.

Chris Gay is a freelance writer, voice-over artist, broadcaster/actor. He writes and broadcasts a daily, sponsored radio humor spot in Hartford, Connecticut. He’s written two humor books: Shouldn’t Ice Cold Beer Be Frozen? My 365 Random Thoughts To Improve Your Life Not One Iota, as well as And That’s the Way It Was…Give or Take: A Daily Dose of My Radio Writings. Look for his upcoming supernatural, theological crime novel Ghost of a Chance and its sequel, Perdition’s Wrath, his humor book The Bachelor Cookbook and, written in partnership with KSpin Designs for the benefit of Melanoma research, Suesea Sunscreen and the Big Lesson.  He has written and voiced radio commercials, authored both comedic and non-comedic freelance articles, scripts, and press releases, done occasional radio color commentary for local sports, and acted in a couple of movies and plays. He is the media and technical writer for the clothing company KSpin Designs, and the publicity director for the Connecticut Authors & Publishers Association. (CAPA)

Movies:

2012:

Great Hope Springs (Barfly)

2009:

Testimonies of a Quiet New England Town (Constable John Gilbert)

https://chrisgay.wordpress.com

http://chrisjgay.com

Chris Gay

Somewhat infrequently, I’m asked who has influenced me with regard to the humor portion of my writings. Indeed, it was a question I’d also asked myself at times as comedy became more and more the genre I was focusing on. As I thought back on it, I realized the most accurate answer was probably Andy Rooney. To backtrack just a little, I was born in 1972, and by the time the Yankees had beaten the Dodgers for the second consecutive time in the ‘78 World Series, I was already reading everything I could get my hands on. I’d wanted to be a writer and, to a very young me, two of them stood out among the others at that time; primarily for the same reason.

Roald Dahl & Andy Rooney

By the time I was nine I had read many of the now classic books that author Roald Dahl had written for people my age, such as Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. What I hadn’t known at first though was that he had also written the script for the James Bond film You Only Live Twice. Having already seen and loved a few Bond movies by then, I’d thought that that was pretty cool. That the same person was able to change gears like that and write such distinctly different works using the same typewriter struck me as fantastic. Although not as impressive, however, as me finding a way to use the word that three times in six words in the previous two sentences. But let’s move on.

In 1981 or ‘82, I found a copy of A Few Minutes with Andy Rooney in my mom’s living room bookcase and read it. I’d heard of Mr. Rooney, but at ten I can tell you with relative certainty that I didn’t spend all that much time watching 60 Minutes. (The Greatest America Hero however, was another story. Maybe re-runs of Wonder Woman, too. Although, to be honest, not really all that much for the story lines) Most of his essays were short, and many were funny.

What really jumped out at me though was the impressive range of the topics he wrote on, ranging from soap to politics and everything in between. The lesson I learned reading that book was that you could wring comedy out of anything. Though I hadn’t thought about that in a while, a few years back it occurred to me that the radio spots I broadcast today, as well as my books based on them,  And That’s the Way it Was…Give or Take: A Daily Dose of My Radio Writings & Shouldn’t Ice Cold Beer be Frozen? My 365 Random Thoughts To Improve Your Life Not One Iota  are, to some extent, a result of that lesson.

From The Greatest Generation to Generation X

So, what else could an aspiring writer/performer learn from a seasoned essayist 53 years his senior? Quite a bit, actually. It turns out that Andy Rooney and Roald Dahl, aside from their material, weren’t all that different. In fact they both rode on the Cross-Genre Expressway at times. Before writing comedy, Rooney corresponded for the Stars and Stripes newspaper during World War II, and wrote many non-comedic pieces on his experiences during that time. But as some writers can tell you, if you write a variety of stuff in relative anonymity- yet broadcast one particular type on the air somewhere- that’s generally what you’ll start becoming known for. Or so I’ve heard.

Opinions, I’ve Had a Few

In the course of writing this piece I’ve come to realize that maybe he was a bigger influence than I’d thought. I’m a freelance writer who does a little broadcasting, voice-over, and acting. I also have myriad opinions. The difference of course is that having opinions on innumerable topics is one thing; getting millions of people to care what you think about them is quite another. Some I share with Mr. Rooney (I’m very nostalgic, as well as being an agnostic with a love for Christmas) and some I don’t. Further, most Americans have heard of Andy Rooney while, conversely, most have not heard of Chris Gay. Laugh if you will, but if you’re reading this now, once again my number has climbed by one. The point is that Rooney wasn’t a household name until well into the second half of his life. Indeed, he was nearly sixty when he debuted on 60 Minutes.

And The Lesson There is…

It truly is never too late to go after your dreams or, at least, try something more befitting of your natural abilities than whatever you’re doing now. I believe that everyone-including you- has at least one thing they’re very good at doing. When you realize what that is, it might be worth looking into making that what you do in life. Listen, I waited until my thirties to let go of the side boards and try to skate around the rink as a writer. What made me start thinking about trying to go for it, about eight or nine years ago now? It was when I thought about whether four billion years of evolution occurred just to bring us to a place where we spend our time working our tails off for little, in some cubicle-esque or retail environment, while kissing the backside of people we’re likely more talented than. I know what that answer was for me; I’ll leave your answer to you.

I still wonder if I can be a successful writer. I think so, but I’m not sure yet. All I can do is work hard to put myself in a position to be successful. My guess that last sentence is some old football or baseball coach’s cliche’. I’m not sure, I’m just guessing. But it’s my belief notwithstanding. What I do know for sure though is that I won’t be looking back in twenty years asking myself why I didn’t try.

A friend of mine in the radio business once said to me, “Chris, everybody’s always getting ready to get ready.” That was his simplistic yet profound way of saying that while people talk a good game, most never take a chance on themselves. Take what you will from it. But I digress. Actually, I digress a lot.

Wait, Where’s the Humor?

To those who’ve read the majority of my previous writings for their comedy and wonder why this one isn’t all that funny; it’s because it’s not meant to be. The list of people who’ve influenced me in any way is very short and, when one passes, it seems like the proper time to acknowledge them and how they’ve impacted me. The humor will return soon, I promise. In the meantime, if you’re impatient scroll down my blog and reacquaint yourself with some of my previous humor writings. Or don’t. Either way I was able to get a shameless plug into this blog post. And really, that’s what counts.

In Conclusion

Though I’m still hanging on to my thirties, I’m beginning to find that the older one gets, the less one cares all that much about pulling punches with one’s opinions- written or otherwise. I can’t even imagine how much that will be magnified in the unlikely event that I reach age 92. Whether writing straight or writing satire, as long as a writer is honest with himself (or herself) and his readers, some people will agree with you and some won’t. And sometimes, those two groups will trade places.

Thank you, Andy Rooney, for inadvertently teaching us that good writers don’t have to tether themselves to one genre. Even though you probably don’t care that you did. Rest in peace.

Chris Gay is a freelance writer, voice-over artist, broadcaster/actor. He writes and broadcasts a daily, sponsored radio humor spot in Hartford, Connecticut. He’s written two humor books: Shouldn’t Ice Cold Beer Be Frozen? My 365 Random Thoughts To Improve Your Life Not One Iota, as well as And That’s the Way It Was…Give or Take: A Daily Dose of My Radio Writings. Look for his upcoming supernatural, theological crime novel Ghost of a Chance and its sequel, Perdition’s Wrath, his humor book The Bachelor Cookbookand, written in partnership with KSpin Designs, Suesea Sunscreen and the Big Lesson.  He has written and voiced radio commercials, authored both comedic and non-comedic freelance articles, scripts, and press releases, done occasional radio color commentary for local sports, and acted in a couple of movies and plays. He is the media and technical writer for the clothing company KSpin Designs, and the publicity director for the Connecticut Authors & Publishers Association. (CAPA)

Movies:

2012:

Great Hope Springs (Barfly)

2009:

Testimonies of a Quiet New England Town (Constable John Gilbert)

http://www.chrisjgay.com

https://chrisgay.wordpress.com

October 17, 2011

Autumn had arrived, and brought with it a majestic, colorful splendor to that crisp October day. Although it was only 14 years ago, already it feels like 5,110 days. To begin, I had met my friend Jeff at the Twin Hills golf course in Coventry, Connecticut, and though we lost track of each other some years back, I’m confident he pauses to warmly recall my Hole-in-One on this date each year.

Certain other friends of mine who had the misfortune to not be there remember the moment well, anyway. One of them- Keith- who shall remain nameless, may have even mumbled something at some point about me having a slight tendency to “over reflect” on this wondrous sporting achievement. I’m sure that not only was he joking, but in fact looks forward to my annual retelling of the story.

The Tale

I’d started out that day having my typical golf outing. In other words, seven holes of play that almost certainly were the inspiration for Tim Conway’s old ‘Dorf on Golf’ videos. The eleven strokes I took to finish out the 7^th hole, however, was not on me. That can be laid squarely at the feet of Mother Nature. She had had the nerve to drape the entire woods to the right of the tee box with an absurd amount of foliage, showing no regard for my tendency to slice whatsoever. I’d been out there all summer; she, like, had to have seen my swing before. Whatever though, I’m past that. The gist of the story is that several of my Spaulding Plus 3’s went to their eternal rest under a carpet of multi-colored leaves.

As I walked to the 8^th hole sullenly recording my septuple bogey, I had no idea that my next swing would forever catapult me into the annals of New England sports history. When my turn to tee off came I strode with great masculinity to the box as I gazed out toward the green of this familiar Par 3, looking for the flag that constantly mocked me with its placement directly behind a sand trap.

The Swing

This time however, it lay straight ahead; the proverbial one time out of a hundred that it did. Now in its more advantageous location I sensed something unusual, as if this time the gods had something special planned for me. I was sure that Jeff could sense it too, as he looked upon me with what can only be described as a remarkable indifference.

I set the dimpled sphere on its curved wooden stand and stepped back. Within seconds I drew back a 7-iron over my head and, after pausing ever-so-briefly, swung it forward with uncanny precision. As the ball took flight on its 152-yard journey, I momentarily wondered where the slice I had labored so long to perfect had gone. For some reason the orb was traveling straight for the dance floor and, when it landed, rolled right up to the lip of the cup and…disappeared. I held my breath. Not believing my own 20/15 vision, I turned and asked Jeff if it had instead just rolled right off the back of the green. He didn’t think so.

Nirvana

Slowly we walked toward the pin, its attached flag moving gently as a result of a trivial breeze. As I reached the brink of the cup, my feet froze and stayed firmly planted a half-yard away. I leaned in to the point where the top of my head was resting against the pole. The part in my hair was impacted slightly by this action, yet I took no notice. I looked down and there, resting comfortably a few inches deep inside of the hole, was seemingly the only Spaulding Plus 3 that I hadn’t already lost. (Yes, I see you smirking at the Spauldings. Look, I was very young and they were on sale)

To my left a previously unnoticed foursome, who only recently vacated the green that I had just immortalized, began applauding. As the magnitude of the accomplishment sank in I jumped into Jeff’s arms, in an exact replay of a scene made famous forty-one years earlier- nearly to the day- by Yogi Berra and Don Larsen. In fact, the only difference between the two moments was that 64,513 fewer people, including no attractive women, were around to witness mine. Ah well, what can you do? I still took tremendous joy in scoring my first ever Hole-in-One that didn’t involve outsmarting a motorized toy windmill.

Afterword

The remaining ten holes were anticlimactic. The last thing I recall before we got to the clubhouse was writing a ‘1’ next to the ’11’ on my scorecard. It was there, at the 19^th hole, that I related the first ever telling of this tale to an attentive, beer sipping audience of elderly men.

That day as I left my information with the attendant to be engraved on the trophy that I can see clearly as I write this run-on sentence, I looked idly down at my dress code-mocking New York Giants sweatshirt. I wondered where this memory would reside alongside other amateur sports accomplishments of mine in ice hockey, football, baseball and basketball that no one cares anything about, either. Ultimately I decided that it didn’t matter. I had accomplished something that few other golfers have ever done: I had gotten incredibly, amazingly lucky. I was the blind squirrel that found his acorn, on October 17, 1997.

Chris Gay is a freelance writer, voice-over artist, broadcaster and actor. He writes and broadcasts a daily, sponsored radio humor spot in Hartford, Connecticut. He’s written two humor books: Shouldn’t Ice Cold Beer Be Frozen? My 365 Random Thoughts To Improve Your Life Not One Iota, as well as And That’s the Way It Was…Give or Take: A Daily Dose of My Radio Writings. Look for his upcoming supernatural, theological crime novel Ghost of a Chance and its sequel, Perdition’s Wrath, his humor book The Bachelor Cookbook and, written in partnership with KSpin Designs, Suesea Sunscreen and the Big Lesson.  He has written and voiced radio commercials, authored both comedic and non-comedic freelance articles, scripts, and press releases, done occasional radio color commentary for local sports, and acted in a couple of movies and plays. He is the media and technical writer for national clothing company KSpin Designs, and the publicity director for the Connecticut Authors & Publishers Association. (CAPA)

Movies:

2012:

Great Hope Springs (Barfly)

2009:

Testimonies of a Quiet New England Town (Constable John Gilbert)

http://www.chrisjgay

https://chrisgay.wordpress.com

Chris Gay

While waiting on a checkout line the other day I did something I rarely do; I made an impulse buy. There I was, staring blankly at headlines I couldn’t care less about only because there really was nowhere else for me to look. Did it matter to me which star had kept a diary detailing his experiences after being captured by a Centaur? No. Was I intrigued enough with the prospect of discovering what the cast of “Eight is Enough” is doing now to include among my purchases the magazine willing to spill the beans? To put it kindly, not really.

However one item did catch my eye; a tin of Altoids. The more I looked at it, the more I realized it had been awhile since I’d bought them. Too long, in fact. So I took a tin from the display and tossed it on the conveyor belt. As I was still bored, I reflected back on the first one I’d ever had.  I remembered thinking (although not in italics) they’re mass produced mints. How strong can they be? I thought about it the same way I did the first time a waitress at Chili’s claimed their salsa was “real spicy.” Right.

After trying my first Altoid- once my sinuses had cleared- I’d thought huh. These mints ARE curiously strong. The British had come up with the absolute perfect adjective to describe them. True, they weren’t powerful enough that you’d find someone trying to achieve glory by downing ten of them on an episode of Man vs. Mint Nation, but they were strong enough to make you take notice.

As I continued my wait on that line, behind the last person on Earth to still pay with checks, I reflected on how rare it was to come across such truth in advertising.

To wit, I’d used Axe body spray before only to find myself not immediately inundated with women. I’d had a York Peppermint Patty and hadn’t gotten any “sensation” other than the sense of tasting chocolate covered peppermint. (On the other hand, I always thought it was clever of them to be the sole sponsor on all of those Charlie Brown television specials years back) But I digress.

The point is, seldom does a product deliver exactly what it says it’s going to. So I say thank you to our cousins across the pond. I mean really; first James Bond, and now Altoids? Just splendid. I’d thank you for Cadbury chocolate too, but I’m not sure if, like Haagen Daz, they’re not just one of our companies here in the States trying to give itself a more distinguished sounding name. I could Google it of course, but I’m feeling kind of lazy tonight.

Chris Gay is a freelance writer, voice-over artist, broadcaster and actor. He writes and broadcasts a daily, sponsored radio humor spot in Hartford, Connecticut. He’s written two humor books: Shouldn’t Ice Cold Beer Be Frozen? My 365 Random Thoughts To Improve Your Life Not One Iota, as well as And That’s the Way It Was…Give or Take: A Daily Dose of My Radio Writings. Look for his upcoming supernatural, theological crime novel Ghost of a Chance and its sequel, Perdition’s Wrath, his humor book The Bachelor Cookbook and, written in partnership with KSpin Designs, Suesea Sunscreen and the Big Lesson.  He has written and voiced radio commercials, authored both comedic and non-comedic freelance articles, scripts, and press releases, done occasional radio color commentary for local sports, and acted in a couple of movies and plays. He is the media and technical writer for national clothing company KSpin Designs, and the publicity director for the Connecticut Authors & Publishers Association. (CAPA)

Movies:

2012:

Great Hope Springs (Barfly)

2009:

Testimonies of a Quiet New England Town (Constable John Gilbert)

http://www.chrisjgay.com

https://chrisgay.wordpress.com

Mourning Grammar

My friends, it is with great sadness today that we come together to mourn the loss of Grammar. I’d known Grammar for nearly my entire life and, as we had such a great working relationship over the years, I feel it’s my obligation to deliver a eulogy on his behalf.

Similar to many of our nation’s deceptive aunts and grandmothers, no one truly knows how old Grammar really is…or was. So let’s approximate his birth year to be 1828. That was the year Noah Webster published the First Edition of the American Dictionary of the English Language. If the logic of this decision escapes you, you’ll recall that CBS actually aired Green Acres for six seasons. I guess my point is, sometimes it’s better to just accept things and move on.

What’s truly painful is that his loss could have been avoided. Although a relatively young 183, he slowly began to suffer this past decade from the effects of apathy, abuse and neglect until it simply became too much to bear. Or was it bare? Beer? No, wait-it’s bear.

Grammar’s Untimely Passing

Grammar’s untimely passing is indeed ironic. For example as America begins the official remembrance of our Civil War Sesquicentennial, we’ve had greater interest in and occasion to read some of the massive correspondence generated throughout that era. Remarkably, those thousands of young men with little education and no computers, spell checkers, search engines or smart phones were able to compose a garden variety sentence far more eloquently than most of today’s college graduates.

In the 21^st Century it’s easier to check one’s grammar than it is to find something for which the state of Connecticut will tax you; yet still we somehow managed to let Grammar unceremoniously expire. It’s hard to determine whether most people just don’t care anymore, or simply can’t tell the good from the bad. I’m not quite sure which is worse.

In honor of Grammar’s memory, here are two? Too? To? of his many pet peeves that he would’ve wanted you to know about:

If you’re commenting on an internet news story or a social media website and want to express your contempt for a fellow poster by questioning whether he or she possesses a life, that person would be known as a “loser.” Referring to someone as a “looser” simply let’s him or her know that you think he or she has a knack for rendering various objects less tight.

If the word you’re writing is meant to be a contraction of “they are,” it’s “they’re.” If you’re specifying possession, it’s “their.” If you’re talking about a place, it’s “there.” Such as, “they’re over there looking for their keys.” If you find yourself becoming increasingly irritated by a word snob sarcastically pointing out the obvious to you, it’d be “Now there’s a guy who really ought to shut the hell up.”

In conclusion, as we continue to celebrate the life of a truly decent form of communication let’s also hope that numbers can elude Grammar’s fate. After all, the repercussions of careless, sloppy mathematics would be much worse.

By the way, I know what you’re thinking and don’t bother. I absolutely made damn sure to spell check this piece thrice before posting.

Love,

-Christopher

Chris Gay is a freelance writer, voice-over artist, broadcaster and actor. He writes and broadcasts a daily, sponsored radio humor spot in Hartford, Connecticut. He’s written two humor books; Shouldn’t Ice Cold Beer Be Frozen? My 365 Random Thoughts To Improve Your Life Not One Iota, as well as And That’s the Way It Was…Give or Take: A Daily Dose of My Radio Writings. Look for his upcoming supernatural, theological crime novel Ghost of a Chance and its sequel, Perdition’s Wrath, his humor book The Bachelor Cookbook, and the children’s book written in partnership with KSpin Designs, Suesea Sunscreen and the Big Lesson.  He has written and voiced color commentary for local sports, and acted in a couple of movies and plays. He is the media and technical writer for national clothing company KSpin Designs.

http://www.chrisjgay.com

https://chrisgay.wordpress.com

Movies:

2012:

Great Hope Springs (Barfly)

2009:

Testimonies of a Quiet New England Town (Constable John Gilbert)

By Chris Gay

10 ) “Injuries” sustained during play are more fake than the ones the actors treat on the set of “House“

9 ) Concept of game clock running up simply too difficult to grasp

8 ) Have trouble with the English translation of “Goooooooooooooooooooooooooooallllllllllllll!”

7 ) A 1-0 deficit in the 4th minute nearly insurmountable

6 ) After a bad call, chants of “kill the ref” are not necessarily facetious

5 ) Color-blind Americans can’t tell the difference between yellow and red cards

4 ) No Designated Hitter

3 ) The goal isn’t quite big enough

2 ) Penalty kicks simply too difficult to make

1 ) Please, somebody, just pick up the freakin’ ball

Chris Gay is a freelance writer, voice-over artist, broadcaster and actor. He writes and broadcasts a daily, sponsored radio humor spot in Hartford, Connecticut. He’s written two humor books; Shouldn’t Ice Cold Beer Be Frozen? My 365 Random Thoughts To Improve Your Life Not One Iota, as well asAnd That’s the Way It Was…Give or Take: A Daily Dose of My Radio Writings. Look for his upcoming supernatural, theological crime novel Ghost of a Chance and its sequel, Perdition’s Wrath, his humor book The Bachelor Cookbook and, written in partnership with KSpin Designs, Suesea Sunscreen and the Big Lesson.  He has written and voiced radio
commercials, authored both comedic and non-comedic freelance
articles, scripts, and press releases, done occasional radio color commentary for local sports, and acted in a couple of movies and plays. He is the media and technical writer for national clothing company KSpin Designs, and the publicity director for the Connecticut Authors & Publishers Association. (CAPA)

Movies:

2012:

Great Hope Springs (Barfly)

2009:

Testimonies of a Quiet New England Town (Constable John Gilbert)

http://www.chrisjgay.com

https://chrisgay.wordpress.com

By Chris Gay

Dear Chris:

I’m a guy who just can’t figure out women. In most cases we seem to speak the same language literally, but not figuratively. In conversations with various girlfriends I’ve been straightforward and enunciate clearly; and when they talk I take their words at face value, under the presumption that what they’re saying is indeed what they mean. However, my words always seem to be misinterpreted into some odd meaning I never intended, while conversely I’m often chastised for not looking past their actual words to read the signs that supposedly reveal clues to what they really mean. I’m almost ready to join a monastery. Any suggestions?

-Confused in Columbus

Dear Columbus:

My guess is you’re under 25, and as such not quite as experienced in navigating through such verbal gymnastics as you will later become. There is some good news, however. As you get older, you’ll realize that it doesn’t  get any easier to figure out. But eventually you’ll take comfort in the understanding that most men of all ages never will, either. So there’s that. At any rate, the next time someone asks you to ignore what they’re saying outwardly and instead read their signs, mention politely that you’re fluent in English, and not trying to date a 3^rd base coach. This sentiment most likely won’t be warmly received, but you have to admit it’s a fairly decent comeback.

Alternate Politically Correct Response-

Dear Columbus:

Learn to better explore your inner feelings so that you may better understand hers. Only then will you be able to correctly interpret the signs she so lovingly longs for you to translate. This will permit you both to continue along on your mutual path of respect, as well as allow for the construction of the strong foundation required on which to build a healthy relationship.

Dear Chris:

I have dated a long string of jerks and I don’t know how to break the cycle. The pattern seems to be that I fall for a guy who’s smoking hot. However once in the relationship, he begins to treat me with immense disrespect. For example, against my requests and better judgment he’ll engage in a diversity of undesirable activities, as well as use various types of derogatory nouns in place of my given name. Also, it soon becomes apparent that his most significant skill is a seemingly ethereal proficiency with Halo 2 on Xbox. Why can’t I change any of these guys into the good men I’d hope they would be?

-Lady in Waiting  

Dear Waiting:

Do you know why, after 4,500 years, Stonehenge still remains a collection of stones? Because that’s what they are. If you stand by one hoping for it to become a pillow someday, you’ll likely be in for an awfully long wait. On average, the women who relate stories similar to yours indicate that they generally spend two years, give or take, in relationships like these before finally giving up on them. If you’re 40, that’s 5% of your life- per jerk. You’re probably younger than forty, too; which makes it an even higher percentage. I only used forty because it’s an easier number to figure out a percentage on, and frankly I’m awful at math. Anyway, here’s a little secret; guys are very simple to figure out, and once set in their ways they rarely change. If it helps at all to know, men like these are shallower than an empty pool after a light rain. Instead of dating a jerk and trying to change him into the decent man he’ll never be, why not try dating a man who’s decent from the start?

Alternate Politically Correct Response-

Dear Waiting:

Like the Monarch butterfly, all men need to fly free in order to truly find out who they are. Only after they know themselves thoroughly can they better work on what others are expecting from them. With certain men, such as those you’ve described, patience is the key. While it likely won’t change who they are into what you’d hope they might become, the silver lining is there’s an outside chance they may someday win a video game tournament. The downside to that, however, is if the winnings are large enough, they’ll probably leave you for someone else. On the other hand you never know; they may be too lazy to look.

To submit your questions for consideration of use in this periodic humor column, please email them to christopherjgay@gmail.com.

*I am not a psychologist, psychiatrist, or professional doctor of any kind. I’m a writer and a humorist with an honorary degree in Common Sense. These columns are for entertainment purposes only, and some submitted questions may have even been written by me. That oughta cover things.

Chris Gay is a freelance writer, voice-over artist, broadcaster and actor. He writes and broadcasts a daily, sponsored radio humor spot in Hartford, Connecticut. He’s written two humor books: Shouldn’t Ice Cold Beer Be Frozen? My 365 Random Thoughts To Improve Your Life Not One Iota, as well as And That’s the Way It Was…Give or Take: A Daily Dose of My Radio Writings. Look for his upcoming supernatural, theological crime novel Ghost of a Chance and its sequel, Perdition’s Wrath, his humor book The Bachelor Cookbookand, written in partnership with KSpin Designs, Suesea Sunscreen and the Big Lesson.  He has written and voiced radio
commercials, authored both comedic and non-comedic freelance
articles, scripts, and press releases, done occasional radio color commentary for local sports, and acted in a couple of movies and plays. He is the media and technical writer for national clothing company KSpin Designs, and the publicity director for the Connecticut Authors & Publishers Association. (CAPA)

Movies:

2012:

Great Hope Springs (Barfly)

2009:

Testimonies of a Quiet New England Town (Constable John Gilbert)

http://www.chrisjgay.com

https://chrisgay.wordpress.com