The following is excerpted from my upcoming 3rd humor book, “The Bachelor Cookbook” (2012)
Meat on a Bed of Rice
What you’ll need:
1) Some kind of meat
2) Rice. Preferably the boil-in bag kind
3) Grated cheese (Optional)
Preparation:
Start by boiling a bag of rice in a saucepan. Though that will to take awhile, feel free to glance over at it from time to time, anyway. Contrary to what they say a watched pot will in fact boil, unless the burner was never turned on. In that case, whoever ‘they’ are would be correct. But they’d be right on a technicality. We can live with that.
Now have a look in your refrigerator/freezer and search around for something meat-based. Hot dogs or pre-cooked, ready to eat chicken or turkey chunks will work. If you’ve got the latter- jackpot! You don’t even have to cook them. When mixed together, the hot rice will warm up the meat sufficiently enough to be acceptable. If all you find are hot dogs, unfortunately it doesn’t work that way. Once out of the water, the finished rice won’t hold its heat long enough to cook them to palatability. Unless for some reason you like them cold and, if that’s the case…dude. Come on.
Also, don’t try saving time by tossing the hot dogs into the same saucepan as the rice bag. Look, I get that some-if not most-of you have thrown sliced hot dogs into a pan of beans and let the bean juice* cook them for you. You can’t do that here though, because rice cooks in water whose excess you won’t be consuming. Well, theoretically you could do it, as hot dogs have been cooked in water for millennia.** However, nobody wants to eat rice cooked in hot dog water. Nobody.
Luckily there’s an easy solution right within reach. Plug in your George Foreman grill and cook them independently. It’s quick and, if you care, cleanup’s a snap. Don’t try to tell me you don’t have one. I know you do.
When the rice is done (You’ll know because the water, via a scientific process known as absorption, will be nearly gone while the rice will be, like, four*** times larger) cut the bag and dump it into some sort of container that’s at least larger than the bag itself was. A plate would work, but it’d be much tougher to thoroughly stir everything together. I refer you back to the saved Chinese food take-out containers from an earlier recipe. Told you- a million and one uses for those things.
Now toss the meat on top and mix. If desired, add some grated parmesan. If you’re feeling a little wild, toss on some of that store brand barbeque sauce you keep around to serve as a cheap, easy dip for virtually anything.
* Term made up on the fly, and not derived from the nonexistent, also just made up bean sauce species Juicodon Legumias.
** Give or take
*** Total guess. Really though, who cares?
Utensil Options:
1) Spoon
2) Fork
What you’ll need:
1) The telephone number for a local pizza parlor that delivers
2) A telephone
Preparation:
Dial the number for a pizza parlor in your area. If you don’t know any, do an internet search. Or just look around outside your apartment door for one of those flyers different pizzerias stick between the doorjamb and doorknob. You know; the ones you toss aside nonchalantly upon returning home, because you figure that hallway cleanup of unsolicited advertisements by the resident “Schneider” is built into your rent.
Whatever, I’m not here to judge you. I just want to point out that in addition to a phone number those flyers often have coupons printed on them. You never know, you may score a gratis two-liter bottle of soda with your purchase. It’s worth it too, because nobody likes paying the absurd retail most pizza parlors charge for syrup-infused seltzer water.
Dial the number. When you reach someone- place your order, confirm your address, thank him or her, and hang up. Generally, someone will show up at the door with your pie in anywhere from forty-five minutes to an hour. (Add additional time in twenty minute increments based on a direct relation to how hungry you are when you called)
When the time comes, answer the door and pay the driver. Once your task is complete, bring the entire box to the coffee table. If you think of it grab a couple of paper towels on your way by the kitchen. Toss the pizza on a nearby coffee table or ottoman and have at it. If there are any leftovers, be sure to get them into the fridge by the 8th inning at the latest. (The end of the second period if you’re watching ice hockey)
The next morning enjoy a hearty breakfast out of whatever’s left. And remember, pepperoni pizza is a perfect representation of the four food groups.
Utensil Options:
1) Your hands
2) Knife & fork*
* If you plan to go this route while your buddies are over watching the game, you may wish to reconsider. I’m just saying.
(The writing in this post is courtesy of the upcoming, as yet unpublished humor book, “The Bachelor Cookbook” Copyright 2011 Christopher J Gay. This material may not be reproduced without the written permission of the author)
Chris Gay is a freelance writer, voice-over artist, broadcaster/actor. He writes and broadcasts a daily, sponsored radio humor spot in Hartford, Connecticut. He’s written two humor books: Shouldn’t Ice Cold Beer Be Frozen? My 365 Random Thoughts To Improve Your Life Not One Iota, as well as And That’s the Way It Was…Give or Take: A Daily Dose of My Radio Writings. Look for his upcoming supernatural, theological crime novel Ghost of a Chance and its sequel, Perdition’s Wrath, his humor book The Bachelor Cookbook and, written in partnership with KSpin Designs for the benefit of Melanoma research, Suesea Sunscreen and the Big Lesson. He has written and voiced radio commercials, authored both comedic and non-comedic freelance articles, scripts, and press releases, done occasional radio color commentary for local sports, and acted in a couple of movies and plays. He is the media and technical writer for the clothing company KSpin Designs, and the publicity director for the Connecticut Authors & Publishers Association. (CAPA)
Movies:
2012:
Great Hope Springs (Barfly)
2009:
Testimonies of a Quiet New England Town (Constable John Gilbert)
https://chrisgay.wordpress.com
