By Chris Gay
(Published in Writer’s Digest, February 2011)
19 December 1843
Dear Mr. Charles Dickens:
Regretfully, we have elected to reject A CHRISTMAS CAROL.
Our primary issue is its preposterous main premise. We will grant that readers may indeed be willing to accept the idea of four omnipotent ghosts returning to Earth to do good for the betterment of mankind. However, it stretches the boundaries of credibility to their very limits to expect anyone to believe a CEO would repent his ways via voluntary monetary penance. Pay his secretary’s mortgage? Double his salary? Are you certain, Mr. Dickens, that you did not intend to submit this manuscript to our humor publishing subsidiary?
Furthermore, though we respect your sincere attempt to present the public with an uplifting, enduring yuletide classic, we feel any positive message your literary work may convey will ultimately be overshadowed by its extension of the waning popularity of plum pudding at Christmas. Quite frankly plum pudding sucks, and we do not wish to bear any responsibility for inflicting more such pudding on England for decades to come.
Another issue we have with A CHRISTMAS CAROL is that of Ebenezer Scrooge’s so-called “redemption.” It is more of a self preservation, is it not? The unamiable Mr. Scrooge sees fit to dole out tongue lashings and biting sarcasm to the three timid yet good-natured apparitions he encounters first. Only when the final specter, Death, pays him a visit does Scrooge’s tune change, and right quick. Really Mr. Dickens, would you have us believe that his reaction to the Grim Reaper’s ultimatum is in actuality some earnest conversion? Nice try.
In conclusion, it is our belief that the greatest impact A CHRISTMAS CAROL could have would be as various movie adaptations. Unfortunately, the old saying “Timing is everything!” is particularly relevant in your case, as motion pictures are still half a century away. In fact, Alastair Sim won’t even be born for another 57 years. Sorry. If it serves as any consolation, I will be required to read your unbearably lengthy “GREAT EXPECTATIONS,” sometime around 1990.
Sincerely,
Christopher J Gay
Senior Editor/Sarcastic Prodigy
Chris Gay is a freelance writer, voice-over artist, broadcaster and actor. He writes and broadcasts a daily, sponsored radio humor spot in Hartford, Connecticut. He’s written two humor books: Shouldn’t Ice Cold Beer Be Frozen? My 365 Random Thoughts To Improve Your Life Not One Iota, as well as And That’s the Way It Was…Give or Take: A Daily Dose of My Radio Writings. Look for his upcoming supernatural, theological crime novel Ghost of a Chance and its sequel, Perdition’s Wrath, his humor book The Bachelor Cookbook and, written in partnership with KSpin Designs, Suesea Sunscreen and the Big Lesson. He has written and voiced radio commercials, authored both comedic and non-comedic freelance articles, scripts, and press releases, done occasional radio color commentary for local sports, and acted in a couple of movies and plays. He is the media and technical writer for national clothing company KSpin Designs.
Movies:
2012:
Great Hope Springs (Barfly)
2009:
Testimonies of a Quiet New England Town (Constable John Gilbert)
https://chrisgay.wordpress.com
http://chrisjgay.com
