Imbedded within the Highlands of Scotland lies Loch Ness, an abyssal freshwater lake that has gained widespread notoriety due to its most reclusive inhabitant, Nessie. The “Loch Ness Monster.”
Perhaps the most integral question raised in the previous paragraph is, were it not for that damn lake in Utah, would writers get to bypass the rather silly requirement of specifying “freshwater” when referencing lakes in articles?
I suppose if there’s one salt lake, there must be another. But if there isn’t, that dumb condiment bog is creating a lot of extra work. Though I digress.
Now, as this is a blog post and not a novel we’ll skip ahead hundreds of years and begin this speculation in the 20th Century.
Eye Witness Accounts
Some accounts dating back to the 1930’s had various people supposedly encountering an amphibious creature both in and out of the Loch’s water.
These versions vary from the improbable-sounding to the ludicrously outlandish. Well, perhaps the latter was somewhat hyperbolic. But it sounds good and I’ve never had the opportunity to use ludicrously outlandish in a sentence before.
At any rate as the new saying goes, “pictures, or it didn’t happen.” Speaking of which, what a perfect segue.
An assortment of photos spanning decades have purported to depict Nessie. However, through various means many of these pictures were ultimately revealed to be fake.
But the truth is that every photograph was authentic, it was merely the content of some that turned out to be shams. And while in context that is an unnecessary and meaningless distinction, explaining the difference was exceedingly crucial in swelling the word count of this article.
The Loch Ness Monster Itself
If Nessie does exist, he’s kind of lame for a so-called “monster.” While you can reasonably expect monsters to maintain some semblance of seclusion, sooner or later the job description obliges them to come out once in a while and scare folks. Not play hide-and-seek over the course of a millennium-plus.
Yet this one never does. Not even to the requisite group of annoying campers who goof-off during the day, and then pair up at night to fornicate in abandoned cabins. Per reels of celluloid isn’t that almost required for these things?
It’s no wonder there are so few horror flicks made featuring this bloke. For God’s sake at one point somebody even swam the entire lake at once without so much as a glimpse of a nefarious fin. Or tail. Or anything. That’s just plain lazy.
Nessie’s Greatest Impact
Nevertheless, while the ol’ leviathan rarely puts in a public appearance, it doesn’t mean his impact isn’t still felt across the globe.
Nessie and his theorized likeness have been godsends for both the local tourism industry, and companies producing tee shirts or bric-a-brac. Whether he exists is irrelevant, because the dough he brings in certainly does.
In fact while he may appear to some as a seal, fish or Plesiosaur; in reality what he resembles most is a Cash Cow.
And don’t forget his cousin in Vermont’s Lake Champlain, “Champ”, who’s been evading cameras while filling coffers himself for decades.
So to all of you budding knick knack entrepreneurs, remember: you don’t really need an actual dinosaur to prosper with a roadside stand; just a lake and a legend.
The Bermuda Triangle
The Bermuda Triangle has long been a subject of great interest for many. Is it real? Does it exist? Well, sure. Miami, San Juan and Bermuda are three relatively equidistant points which form a triangle. That’s no mystery, it’s just geometry.
Unfortunately though that’s the easy part.
For decades believers in Triangle lore have seemingly considered it to be some kind of Roach Motel, where transport vehicles check in, but they don’t check out.
However the reality is that if the amount of traffic it receives is taken into consideration, there’s not much difference between the Bermuda Triangle and the less famous Acapulco Misplaced Sock Trapezoid; an area of Acapulco Bay in which, legend has it, millions of missing socks lost in dryers the world over are hiding out.
While there’s never been any real proof of anything abnormal or supernatural regarding the Triangle, there is one interesting hypothesis that is tough to laugh off, and it’s put forth by those who think that Atlantis lies somewhere beneath the Triangle’s enigmatic waves.
If that’s true, then perhaps there are beautiful mermaids and cold beverages down there, too. In that instance I’m not too sure I’d want to go home, either.
The truth is that tales like this can be very beneficial. For instance they’ve kept shows like In Search Of… on the air; thereby giving Leonard Nimoy something to appear in between television Star Trek and motion pictures Star Trek that didn’t require a bowl cut and applied prosthetics.
Besides, what would the world be without a little cool speculative fun to ponder every now and again?
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What if a late 20th Century Jack the Ripper tearing apart a small Connecticut town was the result of a pancake shop bet between God and the devil? Imagine if Satan’s impact on the world in the new millennium hinged entirely on one police officer’s skill in hunting down a ruthless killer…hiding in plain sight. Detective Danny Seabrook is an unwitting pawn in a divine chess match with immeasurable consequences for all mankind. Set primarily in 1995, this action-packed suspense thriller features clever dialogue, humor and romance-with an ending you will never forget.
* * * *
As the end draws near for long-retired Sherlock Holmes in Sussex Downs, he calls one last time for the company of his best friend and colleague, Dr. John Watson. What was meant to be four last days of camaraderie and reminiscing instead leads to the most shocking, explosive revelation both of the great detective’s career, and his life.
Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal is a Holmes tale like none other ever conceived. Fans of Baker Street’s legendary detective will be left with the insatiable need to contemplate its extraordinary conclusion forevermore.
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The Bachelor Cookbook is the perfect (and likely only) addition to any guy’s collection of sarcastic culinary literature. If you’re between relationships and looking to make the most of whatever foodstuffs you’ve got until you meet that next special woman, then your prayers have been answered. Unless you’re an atheist; in which case coming across this book just means your luck was in today. For men looking for sustenance over style, I give you this spectacular cookbook. Well, I don’t “give it” to you, per se. You have to pay for it.
Featuring such taste-bud tempting recipes as:
Meat on a Bed of Rice
Cheese and Crackers
Plus Miscellaneous Cookbook Humor, too!
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Chris Gay is an author, freelance writer, voice-over artist, broadcaster and actor. He writes and broadcasts a daily, minute radio humor spot in Hartford, Connecticut. He’s also written the paranormal, theological thriller novel Ghost of a Chance, the novella Sherlock Holmes and the Final Reveal, (an original, extraordinary short story on the great detective) Santa Claus: Kris Kringle From Man to Myth, a unique, realistic take of a classic tale, and several humor books:Something Witty this Way Comes, And That’s the Way It Was…Give or Take: A Daily Dose of My Radio Writings, Shouldn’t Ice Cold Beer Be Frozen? My 365 Random Thoughts to Improve Your Life Not One Iota, The Bachelor Cookbook: Edible Meals with a Side of Sarcasm and Another Round of Ice Cold Beer: My 365 More Random Thoughts to Improve Your Life Not One Iota. He’s been published nationally in Writer’s Digest and is currently writing the Ghost of a Chance sequel Perdition’s Wrath. Chris has written and voiced radio commercials, authored comedic, non-comedic and sports freelance articles, scripts, press releases, website, media and technical content, done occasional radio color commentary for local sports, and acted in a couple of movies and plays. His website is chrisjgay.com.
2012: Hope Springs (Barfly)